RJ1971 Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Hi, Just after some independent advice please. My ex-wife about 2 years ago said she did not love me any more and wanted to separate. We had been married 12 years and have 2 kids aged 11 & 9. When we split she seemed in no rush to move out (I agreed to buy her her own house), but eventually she found somewhere round the corner from me and moved out about 4 months ago. We share the kids and still saw each other regularly and indeed are good friends. Anyway recently she has declared she still loves me loads, does not know why she wanted to split and really wants to spend the rest of our lives together. At the time of our split when we had counselling she said she was depressed after the birth of our second child and felt trapped as she has not worked since our first was born. Since then she's got a job and says she has got her thoughts straight. This has really confused me - when we split we stayed good friends and I do care for her but at the moment not sure whether it is enough to be husband and wife again as I started to move on from the split. She wants to go right back to dating again and build the relationship slowly but I am scared this may happen again and upset the kids all over. I do believe she is genuine as she keeps breaking down in tears and saying it was the biggest mistake of her life. She is very genuine and not the conniving sort so I don't think this is an act. I'm not planning on diving straight back in and living together immediately but any advice gratefully received. Thanks in advance.
carhill Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Welcome to LS Sounds great. What has she done for you lately?
Author RJ1971 Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 Hi, I've recently had an op at the hospital and she could not do enough for me. She picked me up from the hospital, done my shopping, stayed overnight in the spare room in case I took a turn for the worse etc.
carhill Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 (edited) Here's something I found interesting and maybe you can help with the timeline.... For the 20 months prior to you buying her a new home and her moving out, she apparently was unhappy and self-described as depressed. After moving out, she's got a job, apparently conquered her depression and wants to date you again. The simple action of moving around the corner created this quantum change? Or, do I have the timeline wrong? From what you're writing, other than having separate 'space', you're still in each others lives as much as before. What was/is your agreement during the separation as to monogamy and fidelity? Is your wife willing to go back to MC now? Can you identify any clear signs from her which would help you avoid 'moving on'? What are your respective ages? Edited November 12, 2011 by carhill
Author RJ1971 Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 I think her getting a new job did give her the old confidence she used to have and made her feel worthwhile. She got the job halfway into the 20 months. I think the only thing I can put her change of mind to is she was not sure what she wanted and when she moved into her new home she realised it was a mistake. She told me today she wanted to ask me to stay together the day she moved out but felt a fool as it was her decision to split. We both were faithful to each other during the marriage. Like most marriages it was not perfect - she felt I did nothing around the house (probably true) as I have a tough, long hours but well paid job so I expected her to do all the housework. She often nagged and we rowed but it was not constant and seemed no worse than most of my friends. I think she will go to MC - regarding me moving on I can't really explain this to be honest.
Tiberius Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Well if she returns whatever she got in the settlement, it would show good intention.
Author RJ1971 Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 i"m sure everything will get returned as I put it all into buying her a house
andyg99 Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 the question you need to ask her is how has she gotten past all the issues that caused her to want out in the first place... and if she has actually put those issues in the past... and you need to look really hard and make sure you actually would want her back... almost a couple of years ago I let my ex back in my life after 15 years had gone by, it was a huge mistake to let her back in, but it actually worked out for me and her daughter (who is now being raised in my home after she took off)
carhill Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I think she will go to MC - regarding me moving on I can't really explain this to be honest. IMO, make this your goal. Clarify the dynamic in MC and see if your feelings, once clarified, match up with reconciling. It's time to be proactive and mindful and sensitive to your own feelings and psychology. The actions you have recited here have indicated a marked focus on how your wife felt, what she needed and how to facilitate that. Now, comes balance. She has choices. If they align with what you want to continue the M, then that. If other, that. Ask her today if her 'think' matches up with yours. Go from there.
Woggle Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Have you recently started seeing somebody or do you seem to be having fun without her? If you look like you have truly moved on maybe that is why she wants you back.
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