Are guys on online dating sites representative of the male single population?

November 13, 2011

Online dating is a marketing challenge, crap shoot, and patience game.

The ones I see who succeed are the ones who continually try to market themselves to be desirable single adults. Failures are the ones who put up crappy photos, never self-improve, and live in this "accept me as I am" logic.

The ones I see who succeed are the ones who take chances. They talk to people, go on dates, and deal with "he/she isn't for me" as opposed to believing the sites are "full of losers". They are also the ones who have a wider standard on who to date. The failures are the ones who reject 99% of their pool and keep hoping to score a date with that 1% that never writes them or responds to them.

The ones I see who succeed are the ones who give this as an investment of time. They don't quit after a week or month. They don't quit when someone they know offline sees them on a dating site. They deal with any flakes or freaks who come along. They have a tough skin and slug it out until they find an ideal match. The failures are the ones who give up after 1-4 weeks, or after one confrontation or being "spotted" by a friend, family member, or co-worker. They are the ones with their finger by the "delete account" button all the time, questioning why they joined this.

November 13, 2011

The age thing is a complete dealbreaker and since it's very, very common, it significantly reduces the dating pool. There are guys with interesting profiles (and guess, they even write to me!), but when I see someone who is 36 state as age preference between 20 and 35, then I'm out. And yep, I have grilled some of them to get a confirmation for my assumptions and it doesn't look good.

November 13, 2011

The age thing is a complete dealbreaker and since it's very, very common, it significantly reduces the dating pool. There are guys with interesting profiles (and guess, they even write to me!), but when I see someone who is 36 state as age preference between 20 and 35, then I'm out. And yep, I have grilled some of them to get a confirmation for my assumptions and it doesn't look good.

Same here. Total deal breaker.

I've refused to respond to men who have skewed age ranges. Simply based on that... nothing else. I don't look at the pics, income... nothing.

Instant delete... I bet alot of men here would be surprised at the number of women who screen them out that way.

On the other hand, I'm more inclined to give a guy a chance (even if the other stuff is so-so) if his age range is realistic... That is VERY rare though. Only once did I see a guy with an age range of say, +/- 5 years.

November 13, 2011

Online dating is a marketing challenge, crap shoot, and patience game.

The ones I see who succeed are the ones who continually try to market themselves to be desirable single adults. Failures are the ones who put up crappy photos, never self-improve, and live in this "accept me as I am" logic.

The ones I see who succeed are the ones who take chances. They talk to people, go on dates, and deal with "he/she isn't for me" as opposed to believing the sites are "full of losers". They are also the ones who have a wider standard on who to date. The failures are the ones who reject 99% of their pool and keep hoping to score a date with that 1% that never writes them or responds to them.

The ones I see who succeed are the ones who give this as an investment of time. They don't quit after a week or month. They don't quit when someone they know offline sees them on a dating site. They deal with any flakes or freaks who come along. They have a tough skin and slug it out until they find an ideal match. The failures are the ones who give up after 1-4 weeks, or after one confrontation or being "spotted" by a friend, family member, or co-worker. They are the ones with their finger by the "delete account" button all the time, questioning why they joined this.

I think it's a personality thing. I'm more extroverted so the socially restrictive realm of cyber space frustrates me. I also like extroverted men and I don't see many of those on dating sites. I prefer being away during weekends surfing and sailing while it is the weekends when most are active online. To say that online daters are more patient is probably fair. I don't have the temperament to keep chatting to a stranger sacrificing a huge amount of my spare time while the odds are he will be a duff one. I'd rather spend that time outdoors with adventurous types than be cooked up in a bedroom

once a guy asked me what I was doing on dating sites if I was so active and at first I was offended that he was telling me what to do. On reflection I realised he was right

November 13, 2011

The age thing is a complete dealbreaker and since it's very, very common, it significantly reduces the dating pool. There are guys with interesting profiles (and guess, they even write to me!), but when I see someone who is 36 state as age preference between 20 and 35, then I'm out. And yep, I have grilled some of them to get a confirmation for my assumptions and it doesn't look good.

Oh yeah. People that think in cliches are boring anyway.

When I had men writing to me where I knew I was out of their age range I used to point it out to them they obviously never read my profile anyway. Then they would drop off realising I was older than they prefered only to re-appear again clearly struggling with younger women

November 13, 2011

I've refused to respond to men who have skewed age ranges. Simply based on that... nothing else. I don't look at the pics, income... nothing.

Instant delete... I bet alot of men here would be surprised at the number of women who screen them out that way

I next the ones with unrealistic age ranges too. I also give second looks to guys who will consider women a couple years older than them.

But 50 year olds chasing after 30 year olds is rediculous. There's a 54 year old guy at work who is dating and planning on moving in with a 18 year old. She looks like she's 12. It's so mega creepy. It won't end well, but what can you say? Not even the men think he's lucky. He has 30 years of cheating on his wife and when the kids got out of college she divorced him. Now we are all waiting for the fireworks when this little girl gets pregnant and becomes full of drama and demands.

There's a 47 year old guy at work too who has a 4 year old sister. His 70 year old father married a 35 year old. I asked the guy how his father's marriage was going; was his father happy. The guy laughed and said how miserable his dad is. But he wasnt too sympathetic.

November 13, 2011

Same here. Total deal breaker.

I've refused to respond to men who have skewed age ranges. Simply based on that... nothing else. I don't look at the pics, income... nothing.

Yup, that's the first thing I do as well. Scroll down... down... AHA - to the bin! I think I have never ever seen a guy who contacted me and was in his forties who wanted to date a woman in her forties. What kind of screwed up perception do these guys have of themselves and women? So often, they're not the attractive, distinguished guys, but some old dudes who think they can bang some hot chick in her twenties.

November 13, 2011

I think it's a personality thing. I'm more extroverted so the socially restrictive realm of cyber space frustrates me. I also like extroverted men and I don't see many of those on dating sites. I prefer being away during weekends surfing and sailing while it is the weekends when most are active online. To say that online daters are more patient is probably fair. I don't have the temperament to keep chatting to a stranger sacrificing a huge amount of my spare time while the odds are he will be a duff one. I'd rather spend that time outdoors with adventurous types than be cooked up in a bedroom

It still coincides with what I said. When I get into the "marketing" ideology, then it's really about men and women putting their best feet forward. That means they work to get really good flattering photos up, write their profile so it shows who they really are as well as not showing the negativity many put into their profiles.

When I get into "self improvement", I would look at that as the fat man or woman who loses weight because they want a thin mate. The guy with no fashion sense and photos of him at dive bars deciding to get nicer clothing and better photos because he wants the kind of woman who doesn't go to those dive bars. It's about improving on who you are when you see you have red flags that keep you single.

The "crap shoot" is simply what you're doing. You're taking chances, meeting people, talking, trying to see if there happens to be an active guy on the site. Maybe he only emails on weekdays or emails you on the weekend he's home.

The patience game is when you're willing to ignore haters who give you flack because you didn't reply or are willing to sit on this site (part-time) for months to a year until you meet someone who is a good match.

once a guy asked me what I was doing on dating sites if I was so active and at first I was offended that he was telling me what to do. On reflection I realised he was right

I don't agree. If you joined the dating site, then IMHO whatever you did before that wasn't working. I always ask "how's that working out for you?" to people who think they're too good for something, but yet are single and want to be in a RL.

So you might be active, out, about, even attractive...but you're single and seemingly not meeting the men you want. Thus I and others look for the "why".

I've said it too that people who have it all together really do not need dating sites, but often times I see those "together" people chronically single and wondering why they can't find someone. Sometimes they live in an area with a terrible pool of singles. Sometimes they set the bar too high. Sometimes they are carrying a torch for an ex. Sometimes they have personality problems that cause people to back off.

You joined a site for a reason...because whatever you were doing now wasn't finding you Mr. Right.

November 13, 2011

Guys in their late 30s and early 40s I think have the most choice. But once a guy hits 50 his options start dwindling. By 55 he's far more realistic. For one thing he doesn't want kids, whereas women in their 40s usually have them. They really REALLY don't want kids or surprise pregnancies or anything like that.

To my surprise the dating pool expanded quite a bit once I got in my late 40s. I will date two years younger and up to 8 years older. I'm dating believe it or not THREE guys. They are all new acquaintances, under 5 dates any of them, and one is 3 hours younger than me, one is 18 months older than me and one is 4 years older than me. Who'd of thunk it?

And yet, in the last 2 years I know 5 women over 50 who have married. My theory: guys in their 40s are doing their last desperate sowing of wild oats. By 50+ they had probably had one who was too young, have gotten their kids out of the house or are about to, are facing retirement and don't want to be alone and are more realistic.

Also a whole new crop of men appear; a lot of men end up divorced in their early 50s from wives who were just waiting for the kids to grow up. They haven't been paying attention for the last 25 years or whatever and the wives have had it, but there's not a lot wrong with these guys. (although a lot of them are just plain boring). Among men in their 40s you have a lot of cheaters and alcoholics and anger management problems/control freaks. But guys in the 50s want a quality relationship with a good companion.

It's a hidden world I didn't know about. My mother told me about it 20 years ago, and turns out she's right.

November 13, 2011

Yup, that's the first thing I do as well. Scroll down... down... AHA - to the bin! I think I have never ever seen a guy who contacted me and was in his forties who wanted to date a woman in her forties. What kind of screwed up perception do these guys have of themselves and women? So often, they're not the attractive, distinguished guys, but some old dudes who think they can bang some hot chick in her twenties.

I can't say I even thought for two seconds about their other qualities... Whether they were distinguished, attractive, or not.

Once I saw their age ranges, I was moving onto the next one. I'm not about to give any man the time of day who leaves the impression that I need to somehow 'make up' for the fact I'm his own age...

OLD has it's fans... but I'm glad I'm not there anymore. Really doesn't project a positive image of men. I'd rather preserve the much more positive one I've gained from my day-to-day interactions with real ones

Edited November 13, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

November 13, 2011

Guys in their late 30s and early 40s I think have the most choice. But once a guy hits 50 his options start dwindling. By 55 he's far more realistic. For one thing he doesn't want kids, whereas women in their 40s usually have them. They really REALLY don't want kids or surprise pregnancies or anything like that.

To my surprise the dating pool expanded quite a bit once I got in my late 40s. I will date two years younger and up to 8 years older. I'm dating believe it or not THREE guys. They are all new acquaintances, under 5 dates any of them, and one is 3 hours younger than me, one is 18 months older than me and one is 4 years older than me. Who'd of thunk it?

And yet, in the last 2 years I know 5 women over 50 who have married. My theory: guys in their 40s are doing their last desperate sowing of wild oats. By 50+ they had probably had one who was too young, have gotten their kids out of the house or are about to, are facing retirement and don't want to be alone and are more realistic.

Also a whole new crop of men appear; a lot of men end up divorced in their early 50s from wives who were just waiting for the kids to grow up. They haven't been paying attention for the last 25 years or whatever and the wives have had it, but there's not a lot wrong with these guys. (although a lot of them are just plain boring). Among men in their 40s you have a lot of cheaters and alcoholics and anger management problems/control freaks. But guys in the 50s want a quality relationship with a good companion.

It's a hidden world I didn't know about. My mother told me about it 20 years ago, and turns out she's right.

Uhoh, I just remembered, many women do a similar thing, but instead of having a narrow upper age limit, it's reversed - they prefer men who are older. I did have younger men mention that to me. Maybe I'm just an oddity...

November 14, 2011

Because you said "between 26 and 40". You would be willing to out with someone much younger than you, but not someone much older.

I just want someone my age.

I was the one to ask him out. I'm not going to ask someone out twice. I was already thinking that asking guys out is not such a great idea anyway, so twice - no way. Also, when we left he asked me if should repeat this and I said yes. To which he replied that he would contact me. Guys who are interested ask you out and contact you when they say they will. The rest is just not interested enough.

Well what is your age?? (ish)

I would date someone older ( and have) but dont think it would work out me dating someone in their fortys as ( prob a rarity for most single guys my age) iv got to the stage the last couple of years where i want to settle down and have a family if the right women comes along and most women in their fortys arent looking for that, have done my playing around when i was a single guy in my twentys/ early thirtys but now am looking for more out of life.

Nothing wrong in a women asking a guy out but never ask someone twice for a date,( no difference if your a guy or girl) if someone really likes you they will make time to see you, move on and tell yourself its his loss..

November 14, 2011

I recommend that you follow my example if you want to have success with women. Maybe men expect me to contact them various times until they feel comfortable enough to reply back and maybe, "Hey, sorry, thanks for your message, but I took a look at your profile and I don't think we are a good match," (I never got that message, but that's what I sometimes replied) means that I should pursue them even more, but when you deal with women, it means they are not interested. If you continue visiting their profile, you will look like a stalker or someone who is quite desperate.

Were I or anyone else to follow your "example", the world would soon have far fewer than 7 billion human inhabitants.

And of course this isn't about me - I'm not the one of us participating in the online dating.

I find online dating to be convenient, because you can see immediately that a guy is single and what kind of interests he has. I can also find out much quicker what his attitude about women is when he states his age preferences.

Oh really? Very interesting that a guy's entire "attitude about women" can be derived from simple, random-ish age preferences. Most of the reasons for stated age preferences are merely to have SOMEthing in print, in a vast realm of possibility.

But maybe I should make more of an effort and invest more time, because it doesn't look to me right now as if the majority of single men online are attractive to me at all. Not at least in my area.

Of course, what you really mean, is that the age of men who would, generally, find women of your age ideal, is much too high to suit your image of yourself. So I guess that brings us back to your example, which is basically to prefer death over reality.

November 14, 2011

Oh really? Very interesting that a guy's entire "attitude about women" can be derived from simple, random-ish age preferences. Most of the reasons for stated age preferences are merely to have SOMEthing in print, in a vast realm of possibility.

Of course, what you really mean, is that the age of men who would, generally, find women of your age ideal, is much too high to suit your image of yourself. So I guess that brings us back to your example, which is basically to prefer death over reality.

It is my observation that most people put alot of thought into their desired age range... it isn't random at all.

When the 'vast realm of possibility' excludes women close to their own age (read, an equal number of years older as younger)... yes they are making a statement about how they value women. They value a woman's looks over anything else and that they prefer a certain 'dynamic' in a relationship that is not conducive to my personal definition of a healthy partnership.

...and yes... the age of men who generally find women of my age ideal IS much too high...

They come across as narcisstic, selfish, and insecure to expect something from women they aren't willing to offer themselves. That IS a statement of their character... even if they aren't aware of it.

They also come across as not serious about looking for a real relationship... despite any words to the contrary in their profiles.

BTW... These same men will be forced to make the same choices... death versus accepting realistic age ranges... or left scratching their heads why attractive women close to their own age on OLD sites won't give them the time of day.

Once they get real... they'll probably have alot better luck with attractive women their own age... not coincidentally... the ones who they are probably more compatible with in the long run anyway. Assuming they are looking for a relationship that is.

Edited November 14, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

November 14, 2011

I don't know, I'm 27, I looked for girls my age, or a few years younger...trouble is, at their ages, they don't seem to want something serious. I've never casually dated, and that's not what I'm looking for, but from my perspective, 90+% of the girls on the online dating sites(free ones) seem to just want that, even if their profile says otherwise.

November 14, 2011

I don't know, I'm 27, I looked for girls my age, or a few years younger...trouble is, at their ages, they don't seem to want something serious. I've never casually dated, and that's not what I'm looking for, but from my perspective, 90+% of the girls on the online dating sites(free ones) seem to just want that, even if their profile says otherwise.

Yeah it definitely seems that way.

I highly doubt though, that if I changed my age range from its current 18-27 (I'm 23) to 25-35 that I would suddenly get a huge number of responses.

November 14, 2011

I don't know, I'm 27, I looked for girls my age, or a few years younger...trouble is, at their ages, they don't seem to want something serious. I've never casually dated, and that's not what I'm looking for, but from my perspective, 90+% of the girls on the online dating sites(free ones) seem to just want that, even if their profile says otherwise.

women lie about their expectations and desires at least as much, if not more, than men do.

the difference in the two is men don't feel a need to pre-eliminate vast numbers of women based on whatever imagined criteria.

so your solution is to lie. lie early, lie often. figure out what she wants and mirror it in your lies to get laid as fast as possible.

and when one of your exes shows up on loveshack bemoaning the fact that "hikaru lied to me!" we can simply tell her "honey, he lied to you because you wanted him to".

Yeah it definitely seems that way.

I highly doubt though, that if I changed my age range from its current 18-27 (I'm 23) to 25-35 that I would suddenly get a huge number of responses.

no, you wouldn't.

Edited November 14, 2011 by thatone

November 14, 2011

so your solution is to lie. lie early, lie often. figure out what she wants and mirror it in your lies to get laid as fast as possible.

My interest is actually forming a meaningful relationship, but I'll keep this in mind.

November 14, 2011

Well what is your age?? (ish)

I would date someone older ( and have) but dont think it would work out me dating someone in their fortys as ( prob a rarity for most single guys my age) iv got to the stage the last couple of years where i want to settle down and have a family if the right women comes along and most women in their fortys arent looking for that, have done my playing around when i was a single guy in my twentys/ early thirtys but now am looking for more out of life.

Nothing wrong in a women asking a guy out but never ask someone twice for a date,( no difference if your a guy or girl) if someone really likes you they will make time to see you, move on and tell yourself its his loss..

Guys claim they want to date younger women because they want a family, but I don't know. I think they just don't feel comfortable with older women.

And some are such liars about their age. I saw this picture of a guy today who claimed he was 34. He was soooo wrinkly, no way he was 34.

November 14, 2011

Were I or anyone else to follow your "example", the world would soon have far fewer than 7 billion human inhabitants.

And of course this isn't about me - I'm not the one of us participating in the online dating.

I don't see your point. The discussion was about you thinking that stalking is normal behavior when pursuing a woman and I'm telling you that it's not. But hey, you're the one risking to get a "F*ck off" or getting blocked by your object of interest. But maybe she is doing that to raise her value and make you want her even more. It also means that if you overcome that obstacle as well, she will receive you with open arms.

Oh really? Very interesting that a guy's entire "attitude about women" can be derived from simple, random-ish age preferences. Most of the reasons for stated age preferences are merely to have SOMEthing in print, in a vast realm of possibility.

Well, guess what, I'm just better than you at judging men and red flags.

Of course, what you really mean, is that the age of men who would, generally, find women of your age ideal, is much too high to suit your image of yourself. So I guess that brings us back to your example, which is basically to prefer death over reality.

No, it doesn't make me think that this is reality. It rather makes me wonder if the online dating world is not indeed populated by deluded idiots.

November 14, 2011

BTW... These same men will be forced to make the same choices... death versus accepting realistic age ranges... or left scratching their heads why attractive women close to their own age on OLD sites won't give them the time of day.

I would bet my unborn child that these guys have zero success with the women they contact.

November 14, 2011

women lie about their expectations and desires at least as much, if not more, than men do.

the difference in the two is men don't feel a need to pre-eliminate vast numbers of women based on whatever imagined criteria.

so your solution is to lie. lie early, lie often. figure out what she wants and mirror it in your lies to get laid as fast as possible.

and when one of your exes shows up on loveshack bemoaning the fact that "hikaru lied to me!" we can simply tell her "honey, he lied to you because you wanted him to".

no, you wouldn't.

I remember dimly reading some posts of yours that made sense. Obviously, I was mistaken about you...

November 14, 2011

I remember dimly reading some posts of yours that made sense. Obviously, I was mistaken about you...

i remember being the age of the person i was replying to. and i can count the honest things i heard from 20-25 year old women when i was his age on the fingers of both hands, tops.

November 15, 2011

Guys claim they want to date younger women because they want a family, but I don't know. I think they just don't feel comfortable with older women.

And some are such liars about their age. I saw this picture of a guy today who claimed he was 34. He was soooo wrinkly, no way he was 34.

Saying they truly want a family... and being open to one if the perfect 20 something comes along are two different things entirely... and I agree with you.

Alot of these guys are just throwing out that hook to get dates with younger women who actually ARE serious about starting a family.... Alot of these guys couldn't care less if they had kids or not.

I tell my female friends who are seriously looking to start a family... 6 months to a year is all you give them. If they don't know by then... move on... and by all means... find some way to establish their ability to maintain a monogamous relationship before sleeping with him.

November 15, 2011

i remember being the age of the person i was replying to. and i can count the honest things i heard from 20-25 year old women when i was his age on the fingers of both hands, tops.

Thatone... darling... practically noone is self-aware at 20-25... I know it seems like lying but most of the time it isn't... People that age are still in the process of forming their identity.

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Are guys on online dating sites representative of the male single population?

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