danza7220 Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 This is a long story but I'd appreciate you reading it and offering some advice.....I'm totally on the fence with all this. My boyfriend of almost 6 years went away on business recently. I've been having alot of suspicions regarding his faithfulness lately because our sex life has been terrible. The first time he pulled away from having sex with me his reasons were because ' The dymanic of our relationship had changed' and he was having trouble having sex without thinking of all the other stuff- our arguments, my unhappiness because I missed my family and friends, his work, pressure to make more money etc. Granted, I moved here from another country, couldn't drive, needed his help for a lot of things etc but I was a 22 year old former model and professional dancer....I've always been a very sexual person, I'm in great shape, and I take good care of myself. After 2 years here we decided to get married so that I could stay because he said eventually when we had all of our ducks in a row we'd go ahead and get engaged, have the wedding etc. I am in no rush, I love to travel and have never been a " where is the ring and when is it coming' sort of girl. We've had many ups and downs in the bedroom since his revelation about our relationship dymanic. He's a big flirt....he's the guy that calls the old lady at the diner sweetheart and she toddles off giggling. He's not the worlds most attractive guy but his personality is sexy so I know if he was out looking....he'd have the opportunity to cheat, that night, in a heartbeat. And then he did. My gut was raging with certainty he had done it so I finally got it out of him. Oddly....I was more relieved to know I was right, that I had prevented letting him make a fool of me than I was upset he had cheated. In my mind, he has been cheating the whole time so to finally have an admission was a big deal. He was very upset, he insists it was a one time thing and he was angry because we had been fighting non stop for weeks ( we had been) He mentioned all of his issues with us have been hard to deal with and he hasn't known how. He offered to go to a therapist with me, and alone. I have access to this phone records, email accounts, facebook etc ( he doesn't know) so I have reason to believe his is correct about this being a one off mistake ( I had found enough proof through my sources to go after him without him knowing how I obtained it) I know that because of his past, his behavior at present, I have massive trust issues. I feel unappreciated, and unloved. He makes me, in the prime of my life, feel unattractive and undesired because he never wants to have sex with me. He rarely goes out of his way to surprise me , buy me gifts or take me out on lavish dates....however. -When I'm sick, he gets me medicine, flowers, and chicken soup and takes care of me all day -He'll sit through 4 hours of my mom's baby photos and home movies, laughing at the young versions of me -when we have financial issues he handles it, he picks up my pieces when I fall apart, when I'm stressed. -He'll clean the whole condo so I don't have to after a long day of work. And make dinner, and draw me a bath. Just randomly -He is supportive of my career, and always comes to see my plays/shows etc never has missed one. I don't know what to do...... 6 years is a long time. It's a long time to throw away. It's also a long time to stay in it if so many things seem wrong. He's been extra loving and attentive since his indiscretion. I started to feel better towards him and actually wanted to have sex ( just to feel closer to him after all this) but he pulled away from me. How can he sleep with someone else and now, after telling me he can't live without me, he'll get therapy etc....not want sex with me. He said it's because the guilt is overwhelming, he feels dirty, he is sad he hurt me. There were a few tears on his end....just a couple. All I feel is rejected. HELP. I don't know what to do.
ErgoStep Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 From the buildup I was starting to wonder if he had lots of chicks on the side. Glad it was a one time thing, and only once. The best solution is to agree that what happened was serious. And then pretend it didn't happen. What I'm hearing from you is there are good things and bad things. And the worst thing is there is no clear decision about his commitment to you. To answer your question. It is more than appropriate for you to ask for marriage, if this is what you want. If you leave him, I would consider that a sadness.
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