Wally_Bazoom Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 I've been seeing this girl for over a year now, been living together for 6 months & Im at a point where Im not too sure if Im a long term prospect or not. She tells me I am however my instinct tells me otherwise, not sure what it is, what she says or how she reacts (normally in anger if I bring up this sort of subject). Good portion of the time we have a good time, theres also a good portion that she seems distant & cold. Almost as if she's 'over it' & then she's back again. I get a very negative feeling however wait long enough & it passes. Just to give you a background on her, She's 28, studying 2 days a week as well as working full time so she's very busy. Sometimes I have to wonder if it's more out of convenience that she's with me (I do most the cooking & cleaning it would seem) until she passes her exams. At no point where she talks about future, beyond 6 months however she's the sort of person that is very disorginized & can't seem to plan properly for tomorrow. She says she simply has to concentrate on her exams before she starts thinking of a future (perhaps fair enough?). Not sure what to make of it, I don't want to be judgemental as I know all relationships have their ups & downs. But it's just that Im 33 now & I want to find a life partner, not someone here today & gone tomorrow. Im also mindful that no relationship is perfect & perhaps I just simply need to swallow it & keep going. She's very close with some of her friends, when she's with them sometimes it just simply seems like we are not on the same team. I've had other relationships where it just seemed like things really clicked & the future was more obvious, but today Im with her & Im not sure if I need to follow a gut instinct or whether I should just accept that each relationship is different & Im with her for a reason. I do have strong feelings for her but Im also very confused at the same time. Not sure what to make of it all...
bluechocolate Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 You sound to me to be full of doubts. Doubts about your feelings, doubts about her's, doubts about her intentions, fears that she is using you, doubts about your future with this girl, ........... Maybe you moved in together too soon? Maybe you could suggest a parting of the ways until she finishes her exams & is more clear about what she see's in her future? The fact that she reacts in anger when you bring up the subject of your future would be a clear warning signal to me. If she can't answer you honestly & truthfully without getting angry then I would think that you two aren't on the same wave length. But when you say "future" what exactly is it that you mean? Engagement? Marriage? Children? I would suggest that you need to be very clear in your mind about that meaning before you can honestly ask her what she sees in the furture for the two of you. I don't see that you can move forward in a relationship full of anxiety and doubts.
zoomaj1055 Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 Bluechoc is right on! When planning for your future, you both should be wanting the same things and certainly know what each one is wanting and expecting. I think the suggestion of a separation would allow you to find out more of what your wanting to know. Remember to be prepared to follow through with a separation if that is your suggestion...you have to follow through with decisions to be affective. She will either open up and tell you her true feelings, show her true feelings, or move. As far as "using" you - you have to determine if her feelings are genuine. Go with your instincts, you should know if she is genuine or not. I think you may even have a pretty good idea now. Both of you deserve to be with someone you love and that loves you back. You don't have to have the perfect life or perfect relationship to know that someone loves you....meaning...when you truly love someone, you don't have to remind them and tell them constantly, you SHOW them even in the smallest ways. I have been in a relationship where we did fun things and had a lot of good times. I was happy when we were together, there wasn't anything wrong....but..... when he would suggest marriage or any future with children...I would shrink....change the subject, and didn't want to discuss it. That was because while I liked him and we had good times, I was not in love with him and in my heart knew we had no future. I would not marry him. I simply wanted to "date" him. I didn't want to be alone and enjoyed his company on occasions. I finally revealed my feelings to him and he broke off our relationship. We were not living together. No matter what is going on in your life, school, work, distance, etc., if you find true love and want to be together, nothing should stop you. Those are just obstacles that you overcome together. Good Luck to you.
RackEmUp Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 sometimes it just simply seems like we are not on the same team Wally, I think your gut is giving you an important message here. That "same team" feeling is one of the best and most lasting parts of a true love relationship. If it's not there...you may be right in thinking that you are a convenient housekeeper, evening companion and occasional sex partner. This is not to say that she does not care for you at some level, but if you are looking for a life partner, I recommend looking for someone who can sing "You and Me Against the World" with you as a duet, and mean it. Also...she tells you that this is a long term deal, but her actions don't really back that up. Of course she has to concentrate on her studies, but that doesn't mean she has zero brain activity available to think about her future. If she is working that hard on a degree, she DOES have a future focus and probably some plans. She may not want to mention her plans and dreams because you're not in them, and that would disrupt her current arrangements...
Author Wally_Bazoom Posted May 24, 2004 Author Posted May 24, 2004 Thank you all for your wise words. It's not that Im afraid of being alone (in fact I survive quite well alone), it's just that Im reluctant to add another ex to the list unless absolutely necessary I do want a future with someone, & Im weary of chasing that ultimate dream. Last night she got angry when I questioned an expensive holiday she wants to go on (I want to buy a house & would prefer to spend a little less). She says that you need to live the moment etc etc, can buy a house anytime, yeah right. Admittedly she's had quite a bit to drink & perhaps the reaction would have been quite different otherwise. The conversation ended quite quickly when I told her to get lost (putting it very politely), she then was cursing & swearing, ended up sleeping separately. I don't want to make out that this girl is cold all of the times, admittedly much of the bad patches seem to happen around her period... Much of the time she's great & repeatedly tells me (and I mean repeatedly) how much she loves me. I have to agree that being in love means you don't necessarily mean you repeat it all the time (and i have told her that). Must say, she very rarely says sorry though. She also spends most week nights with me however it's just those 'negative moments' everynow & then that make me think. Apart from that she's busy with work & study, I seem to be tidying up after, putting up with the odd moods & as you can tell, growing more wary by the day. Perhaps, because she's a bit younger that she's in a different space & might change? hmm, darn it Im still confused!
RackEmUp Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 she's great & repeatedly tells me (and I mean repeatedly) how much she loves me Wally, words are cheap. I know it feels great when she gushes over you. But ACTIONS are real. She says that you need to live the moment etc etc, can buy a house anytime You're planning for the future, and she is whooping it up. Not that one of you is right and the other is wrong...but if you two are not at a similar point on the spending/saving spectrum, that by itselfwill be a major source of friction. So, let's hear you convince us that she really is your longterm best bet, by describing her ACTIONS that show her love for you. And by actions I don't mean caresses, etc. - I mean choices that she makes about how and where to spend her time, money, thoughts, and energy.
a_passionate_leo Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 It's possible she is using you for convenience sake and plans on fleeing when exams are over. It's also possible that you're looking too deeply into her intentions and are allowing yourself to think the worst. I'm a student, and somebody's girlfriend, so let me play devil's advocate and suppose what she might be going through. Maybe your girlfriend is really stressed, and your talk of the future adds to her feeling overwhelmed. Is it possible that you press the subject too much? Are you sure you're not sounding whiny and neurotic to her when you constantly bring it up? You mentioned her time of the month. Maybe she's chemically imbalanced or hormonally driven. (I know that some months during my cycle, I get really flighty and insecure and become a real pain in the ass to my boyfriend. Fortunately, he knows my personality and my cycle so he can tell when I get in a downswing, it's just temporary and he just waits it out.) Don't talk to her about stuff that upsets her during this time. Do the both of you a favor, and save it for later when she's feeling less bloated and cranky and unattracive, etc. Maybe she's just not ready to completely settle down yet. Maybe she does want a future with you, she's just not sure what yet. And school is kicking her ass so honestly her biggest goal is to just make it through that before dealing with things that will eventually come. (I know I have a serious problem trying to see beyond the next 12 months until I graduate, but it's not because I don't want to; I just psychologically can't from task overload.) I think you should continue to talk to her about the future, because you feel the need to talk about it. By no mean should you go silent over issues that you feel are important. But because you are aware that there's a problem in discussing it, it's up to you to initiate creative communication to land you both on middle ground. Try communicating your desires in other ways. Try doing it as you romance her. Try reverse psychology. Try anything new and different from the same old way you've been bringing it up. It couldn't hurt. As for the holiday: Spend part of the money on a vacation, save the rest for a rainy day. That's all there is to that.
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