Author coffee.girl Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 SincereOnlineGuy, yes yes and yes. Your comments (everyones, in a way) make it clear that I am repeating a pattern of behaviour, over and over... The difficulty is learning a new way of interacting.
Author coffee.girl Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) Alexz, thanks for all your input in this thread. To answer some of your questions... Re. how picked up on my comment about my ex never existing… Yes it’s true that I had checked out of the relationship romantically long before we broke up, but I did care about him a lot. That comment probably only makes sense with a bit more backstory… he was a workaholic pulling 80hr weeks. There were no photos of us together, no holiday memories, no thoughtful gifts (he always got his mother to pick out Christmas/birthday gifts ) no mutual friends (he was never interested in meeting my friends, and only introduced me to his in passing… Intellectually I knew this was a massive red flag, but hey, he was ‘special’) and so when we broke up, there were very few reminders of him in my life. I found it really interesting how you asked about the gender of my friends. These days its quite mixed (and some of my closest friends are female) but in general I do find it easier to develop an easy rapport with men. I don't have a tight-knit group of girlfriends. Partly this is because is can be a bit of a tomboy, but I'm sure there's something else at work as well. I have often wondered what this says about my personality but that's probably one for another thread. Negative Nancy, thank you so much for sharing your experience. It sounds like you've worked against the odds to do some serious healing, which is not an easy thing to do. One thing in particular that you said really resonated... due to the childhood experiences we've learnt to assess distress and turmoil as the "safe" terrain, it's what we're used to and what's "normal" to us - so when there's quietness and peace, we're not used to it cos it was not normal for us, and our gut signals us "something's wrong"...this introspective knowledge though has already paved the way to becoming better - and i notice in my relationship that things are better. Definitely. I try to keep this in mind when I’m making my way through the world…. Unfortunately the result of this is that I tend to over intellectualise things and rarely trust my gut instincts (even when they may be right). Edited November 14, 2011 by coffee.girl
Star Gazer Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 FitChick and Tony T and those who asked about my early relationships with my father…. Yes I am actually quite sure this stems from patterns created in my childhood and adolescence. Though they never divorced (god knows why not), my parents had an awful relationship and I often wished they would. I had a very stressful time at home. My father never ‘left’ but was not an active participant in my upbringing. I remember as a child longing for him to spend some time with me. I have always had a pleasant relationship with him but I wouldn’t consider us close. I was (and am) a lot closer to my mother but she is completely tumultuous. She had a severe nervous breakdown when I was 12 which she has never really recovered from, and was extremely volatile (self harm, panic attacks, paranoia) for about 5 years. I was torn between desperately wanting to care for her and resenting her for her behaviour. My father (and even her own family) did nothing to ensure she got the medical help she needed or even to protect me and preferred to keep everything hush-hush. Rather than rebelling and doing the usual destructive teenage thing, I think I craved normalcy and positive adult role models so I threw myself into school and did quite well, acted normal... no one on the outside knew how stressful my home life was. It was probably around this time I put up a ‘wall.’ Tony, you made a particular comment, “They just don't want to bond with anybody.” This really resonated with me. Thank you. I think this is relevant for me not just in my love life, but other aspects of my life as well... I have often felt like an ‘island.’ I was going to echo Tony's comments. Abandonment doesn't have to stem from a literal, physical abandonment, but can also stem from having a loved one not be there emotionally. When you experience any kind of abandonment (physical or emotional) at a young age from people who are supposed to be there and love and support you, it hurts and causes a pretty deep wound. It's all you know. It's what's normal to you, and yet your inner child also wants to repair/fix that pain. So you tend to seek out similar relationships with unavailable men not only because if it doesn't work, it can't hurt you because they were never available to begin with, but mainly because in the back of your mind you're seeking the approval, validation, and repair of that young wound... a sort of, "If I'm special enough, he will change and become available for me and just me." The unavailable man is the proverbial golden carrot for women with a history of abandonment... a sort of, "If only I could get this unavailable man to love me, everything will be right in the world, I won't feel alone and an island anymore." But if he doesn't end up loving you, it's pretty easy to bounce back and move on because you didn't allow yourself to get all that attached in the first place. My dad left my mom while she was pregnant, so I never experienced a literal/physical abandonment myself, but always felt a little different, off, and alone. Also, my mother, while close as a friend, wasn't really the most emotionally supportive parent, and certainly didn't teach me anything about how to choose healthy relationship partners. I was left to flounder and figure it out on my own. Honestly, I've dealt with very similar issues to yours for YEARS (I'm now 33), and the only thing that's helped me change (and I do occasionally regress/backslide) is the help of a well-trained, supportive therapist. It takes a lot of hard work to flip the internal script.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 SincereOnlineGuy, yes yes and yes. Your comments (everyones, in a way) make it clear that I am repeating a pattern of behaviour, over and over... The difficulty is learning a new way of interacting. Merely knowing yourself is so much the key. You have such a good jump on figuring out how to perhaps 'trick' yourself past your 'weakness' for emotionally unavailable guys. Just take your time...
grkBoy Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Has anyone else experienced this? Overcome it? How can I start attracting, and being attracted to guys are available? I am a big believer in self improvement so all thoughts will be appreciated, even if they are harsh. The problem is you're attracted to the challenge. You find it a massive boost to your self-esteem if you managed to steal a man from another woman. You think men who are with someone are more valuable than someone who is single. It's the problem even right now in employment, as employers believe the guy who didn't get laid off is better than the one who did...when the laid off guy might very well be the better choice. I suggest you look into some self-help books, maybe that one I like called "Unhooked Generation". Try to get some perspective. I also think you need to look and ponder on longer term. I mean, what happens if you manage to steal some woman's husband? Would you get bored and leave after you achieved the challenge? I have a feeling you would. Where do you want to be in 10 years? 20 years? Where do you want to be at age 60? Think about that. Do you want to keep chasing unrealistic challenges? Or happy and in a solid relationship? Or alone? Stop letting lust for a challenge guide you and instead think about what happens later...and what you want there.
Beachgirl8 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I can very much relate to the experiences you had with your mother and her troubles while you were growing up. My mom had a "nervous breakdown" when i was 14. I mirrored your reactions- throwing yourself into school, not getting in trouble, building a wall etc. One thing I have thought over the years is that having a primary female role model who "couldn't handle" life's problems and was "weak" (I'm putting all that in quotes because I'm not trying to trivialize anyone's pain caused by mental illness, I'm just focusing on the effects a parent's problems can have on the child) caused me to do things the opposite. Basically this boils down to: My mom is weak, she depended on my dad and he let her down, look what that did to her, so I'll be extra extra strong and not need anyone. The problem is that we do need people and at some point have to trust someone. Liking people who are unavailable, and being unavailable yourself is a way of avoiding dealing with past hurt and the insecurity it created in any sort of meaningful way. Meanwhile, on the outside you appear put together and capable of handling just about anything. The solution, from what I gather, is to recognize and deal with your issues, then to be vigilant about picking potential boyfriends based on character traits that will facilitate a relationship that can grow and prosper into something meaningful, and quickly rejecting potential suitors who display the red flags of "unavailable" behaviors that you are naturally drawn to because of the past.
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