Superdude87 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I will try to condense this as much as possible. About 4 months ago this new cute girl got hired at my work, but I was seeing somebody and I had heard through the grapevine that she had a boyfriend although she never brought him up. Before anyone asks, I've been at my job 6 years and NEVER dated a co-worker. I actually have (had) a strict policy about this to avoid drama. At first I just thought she was cute and pretty cool, easy to talk to, but never really thought anything more. Immediately she was flirty and I could tell she was attracted to me. She told a few female co-workers I was really hot, really funny, etc...YES, I realize this is a red flag due to her having a boyfriend at the time and never bringing him up. They started dating in June, about a month before she met me, so their relationship wasn't very established yet. So over the last few months I've dated 2 different girls, each for about 2 months. Me and her have remained friends, and gradually she got more aggressive and would hint at us dating each other, being a cute couple, etc...I shrugged it off and joked with her about it, but honestly never really planned on it becoming anything. So eventually, about a month ago, she finds out her BF cheated on her and there was a long, drawn out, "on and off" again breakup. She completely dumped him about 2 weeks ago. We hung out the following week to go costume shopping for a Halloween party together (just as friends) but it was actually amazing how well we clicked, and it was definitely mutual. We hung out a few times that week, and I was blown away at how well we clicked and how it felt to be around her. I have honestly not felt this way about a girl in a LONG time. She's so easy to talk to and our personalities are so similar it's just FUN. She confessed that when she met me, she started drifting away from her boyfriend once she realized that A) he's kind of a scumbag and B) she found what she really wanted (aka: me). So after a few times of hanging out, she starts giving me the cold shoulder and I found out she was talking to her ex again. I stopped texting her and obviously just decided to move on, but once we got together I found out that they weren't back together and she just needed time away from him, and me, to just have some time for herself to get over the breakup and deal with all that drama. So as of right now, we both want a relationship but we agreed it's not the right time and she has to deal with this breakup, as well as alot of drama in her personal life and just have some time for herself. I understand totally, but in the meantime I don't really know what to do. Last night she said that for a while she just wants to stay friends and see what happens, even though we both know that it will probably end up as a relationship. She also said something along the lines of she's afraid we'll lose each other if we just stay friends (ie: I'll find somebody else). I know this sounds like she's just keeping me on the back burner, but honestly I don't want to start anything with her if she's not totally over the ex and has all that baggage so I understand. This girl is definitely worth waiting for, but honestly I'd never tell her that. Or should I? I don't play games with dating, but I don't want to put myself out there THAT much, even though she pretty much knows where I stand. What do I do?
forms Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Before anyone asks, I've been at my job 6 years and NEVER dated a co-worker. I actually have (had) a strict policy about this to avoid drama. What's happening? Drama. If you want to avoid drama, avoid her. Not only is she creating drama at work for you (it just isn't bad drama--yet), she has exboyfriend (or maybe he's an exboyfriend) drama and she has other personal drama she needs to get over. Plus you both agree she needs time to herself. She is flakey and drama-prone. She will never take time for herself because the drama-prone can't be alone. It's only a matter of time before the drama slops over into your worklife. Even if it doesn't, your personal life with her will be filled with drama. Is this what you want?
forms Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Also look at the timeline: 4 months ago she had a boyfriend and started working with you. She drifted away from her boyfriend as soon as she met you because she decided it was you whom she wanted, not him. How did she know? How well could she have known you in that short amount of time? It has to have been a superficial relationship with her and you because she was diverted by having a boyfriend, plus you were at work. For her to decide that YOU were the one she wanted, she had to have made a whole lot of assumptions about you. Which apparently she did and she became more and more aggressive towards 'capturing' you to include involving other coworkers. All while she still had a boyfriend. Shouldn't she have finished with her old boyfriend before actively starting chasing you? I know it's flattering that it was YOU she wanted, but be honest how well could she have known you. How well in 12 weeks or less could she have determined that you were so wonderful (altho I'm sure you are) and that her boyfriend was such a scumbag? And if he's a scumbag, he's a scumbag whether she likes you or not. Then she finds out a month ago he was cheating on her. But wasn't she in a way also cheating on him? So she dumps him. For two weeks she and him do a 'long, drawn out' break up. She finishes with him 'for once and for all' and immediately clings to you. For two weeks. Then, suddenly she gives you the cold shoulder. Turns out she's talking to her ex. They aren't back together, but they aren't completely broken up either. I guess it doesn't matter if he's a cheating scumbag. I guess it doesn't matter that she decided it was YOU she wanted. Suddenly you aren't so wonderful in her eyes because she starts giving you the cold shoulder. Why? Why would she give you the cold shoulder just because she's 'talking' to him? (This is an important question to answer) How does talking to him make you any less than what she wants? And how is it she gives you the cold shoulder instead of telling you straight out what's going on? Did you do anything to deserve a cold shoulder? It doesn't sound like it. Why would you allow yourself to be treated this way? So in short, you had two 'good' weeks with her that she abruptly ended through no fault of your own, and ended in an unpleasant, rude, immature way. Now she wants to be just friends, and wants a relationship, just not now (but you really, REALLY don't want to believe you are being put on the back burner, so you've decided not to believe the obvious), and she has OTHER drama in her personal life not related to her boyfriend and you and she BOTH agree she needs time to herself, and you are wondering what you should do. You should give her time to herself. A lot of it. Like years and years. You should find all the the qualities you liked in her PLUS non-flakey drama in someone else. I know it's hard. Let this be a learning experience; I'm looking for this and this in a woman WITHOUT that. It may be a long time before you find it. But if you stay with this woman you will be choosing to be back burnered and jerked around, picked up and dropped, and you will be embarassed eventually at work. She's already been indiscreet at work. Move on.
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