How do other 'Formerly Unattractive' people deal with attention?

[RiverRunning]

About 7 years ago, I was around 120 pounds overweight. I had totally let myself go. I'm now about 70 pounds lighter than that, thankfully, so really only 40 - 50 more to go.

 

Men have never been interested in looking at me. They were always interested in my friends. Some have said some very cruel and unprompted things over the years. Well, many have. Complete strangers, acquaintances, even friends.

 

So, I've always thought of myself as unattractive. I've dated two men - my ex made a point of mentioning my weight and once got furious with me when, on a 95 degree day, I refused to go running after he told me to. I can think of two other men who showed interest in me - one was a complete loser and the other had some severe emotional problems. I'm now in my mid-20s. I haven't really met many decent men who I didn't think would someday chop me up and stuff me under the floorboards.

 

In the last year or so, I've lost 40 pounds. Along the way, I noticed that I was getting more attention. I was out with my five-year-old cousin getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and the worker serving me kept asking me about my hair, telling me it looked nice, my clothes looked nice, and he was acting incredibly nervous. He kept forgetting parts of my order.

 

Another time, I was walking into my apartment, and our front door has reflective glass. I saw the reflection of a man who was actually standing behind me, and he was staring after me. I was the only other person around.

 

Today took the cake though. It was a very uncomfortable experience and I'm guessing it's just because this has never happened to me before. I was in a store and as I was looking around, I met the eye of a guy who suddenly broke into a bright smile. I had felt him watching me out of the corner of my eye for a while. I was the only one in that part of the store, so I moved. Sure enough, he turned his head to follow me. He kept staring at me while the clerk was trying to talk to him (he was checking out).

 

My mom was with me and asked if I had seen the guy at the register staring at me for the last 10 minutes we were there, so I don't think I made it up.

 

On the one hand it's a self-esteem boost, but on the other I'm completely not accustomed to this attention. Most men either completely ignore my existence or make some kind of disgusted or disparaging comment. So, whenever it happens, I'm inclined to write it off as "he was just being nice." I think some people are TOO full of themselves and interpret every little thing as "He/She thought I was so hot."

 

Sometimes I'll mention these little happenings to friends or my partner, and they all seem to just dismiss it like I do. It makes me think that I'm really not attractive and I've just overinflated my ego for no reason. When I told a friend specifically about the time I was at a restaurant and about the guy at my apartment whose reflection I saw, he wrote them both off as "Restaurant guy was just being friendly" and "There was probably someone else around" for the latter.

 

I know there's no definitive way to know if the attention I'm getting is actually flirtatious, but at the same time I think I tend to be stupid about these things. One of the guys who was once interested in me perpetually made jokes about dating me and constantly asked if I was single, and yet I was still uncertain that it meant anything.

 

I'm uncomfortable with the attention and I wonder if I'll ever get more accustomed to it. And I guess that comments from my friends/partner really make me doubt my own judgment. It makes me feel that they think I'm so unattractive that the possibility that someone else could find me attractive seems...well, impossible.

[KathyM]

About 7 years ago, I was around 120 pounds overweight. I had totally let myself go. I'm now about 70 pounds lighter than that, thankfully, so really only 40 - 50 more to go.

 

Men have never been interested in looking at me. They were always interested in my friends. Some have said some very cruel and unprompted things over the years. Well, many have. Complete strangers, acquaintances, even friends.

 

So, I've always thought of myself as unattractive. I've dated two men - my ex made a point of mentioning my weight and once got furious with me when, on a 95 degree day, I refused to go running after he told me to. I can think of two other men who showed interest in me - one was a complete loser and the other had some severe emotional problems. I'm now in my mid-20s. I haven't really met many decent men who I didn't think would someday chop me up and stuff me under the floorboards.

 

In the last year or so, I've lost 40 pounds. Along the way, I noticed that I was getting more attention. I was out with my five-year-old cousin getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and the worker serving me kept asking me about my hair, telling me it looked nice, my clothes looked nice, and he was acting incredibly nervous. He kept forgetting parts of my order.

 

Another time, I was walking into my apartment, and our front door has reflective glass. I saw the reflection of a man who was actually standing behind me, and he was staring after me. I was the only other person around.

 

Today took the cake though. It was a very uncomfortable experience and I'm guessing it's just because this has never happened to me before. I was in a store and as I was looking around, I met the eye of a guy who suddenly broke into a bright smile. I had felt him watching me out of the corner of my eye for a while. I was the only one in that part of the store, so I moved. Sure enough, he turned his head to follow me. He kept staring at me while the clerk was trying to talk to him (he was checking out).

 

My mom was with me and asked if I had seen the guy at the register staring at me for the last 10 minutes we were there, so I don't think I made it up.

 

On the one hand it's a self-esteem boost, but on the other I'm completely not accustomed to this attention. Most men either completely ignore my existence or make some kind of disgusted or disparaging comment. So, whenever it happens, I'm inclined to write it off as "he was just being nice." I think some people are TOO full of themselves and interpret every little thing as "He/She thought I was so hot."

 

Sometimes I'll mention these little happenings to friends or my partner, and they all seem to just dismiss it like I do. It makes me think that I'm really not attractive and I've just overinflated my ego for no reason. When I told a friend specifically about the time I was at a restaurant and about the guy at my apartment whose reflection I saw, he wrote them both off as "Restaurant guy was just being friendly" and "There was probably someone else around" for the latter.

 

I know there's no definitive way to know if the attention I'm getting is actually flirtatious, but at the same time I think I tend to be stupid about these things. One of the guys who was once interested in me perpetually made jokes about dating me and constantly asked if I was single, and yet I was still uncertain that it meant anything.

 

I'm uncomfortable with the attention and I wonder if I'll ever get more accustomed to it. And I guess that comments from my friends/partner really make me doubt my own judgment. It makes me feel that they think I'm so unattractive that the possibility that someone else could find me attractive seems...well, impossible.

I think you're not used to the attention, so it feels ackward to you. I don't think you're imagining these things--I think these guys really are interested. I wouldn't recommend going on about it with your SO or your sister, though, because they probably don't want you to start getting obsessed with your newfound appeal. Just enjoy it for what it is, and congratulations on losing the weight. That's awesome.

[cutecatch]

Welcome to the club its tough being hot, but we do get alot of stuff for free

[blaze918]

Hey keep up the good work. Being physically fit will get you a lot more attention! As a high school guy I was skinny, had. Bad hair cut and zero since of fashion. Now I'm muscular, dress well, and am much more out going. You will get used to the attention to some extent. Just hang out with your friends, don't let dudes make you feel uncomfortable.

[blaze918]

Lol sorry for the errors, I'm typing this from my phone. Friggin android.

[Trovador]

I once won an important literary prize in my country. I was overwhelmed by the attention I received from some really pretty and younger women... I got more gfs at that time than in my entire life! And I had to act as if I had been that cool my entire life...

 

But I thought (I still do, actually) that I deserved it, because I learned to deserve it... and I've been riding in that success since then, ha ha!

[ascendotum]

I know there's no definitive way to know if the attention I'm getting is actually flirtatious, but at the same time I think I tend to be stupid about these things. One of the guys who was once interested in me perpetually made jokes about dating me and constantly asked if I was single, and yet I was still uncertain that it meant anything.

Yes there this...fllirt back. I realise you are not accustomed to flirting or being flirted with, so it is not 2nd nature to you, but for a woman, when she notices a guy checking her out, it so easy to just subtly flirt back, by simply looking at the guy then looking away then looking at him again, then looking away then looking at him again and this time smiling. Most guys are going to see the green light and will try to approach you and start a conversation. Or you could simple find an excuse to start a conversation about anything and majority of guys if they fancy you will run with with it.

 

Congratulations on losing the weight and taking your life in the direction you want. You mentioned you have a partner, so thats great and you say you still have 40-50 lbs to go, so that should do wonders for your self esteem.

As for the guy you were interested in joking about dating you, how did it not come about? My guess is you clammed up because you did not think he meant it, and not hearing back 'okay where do you want to go' made him suspect you were not interested in him....maybe. Single guys if they are really put off by a girl because they think she is fat would not dangle an invitation in front of her. I can relate to your mindset here, but from the opposite perspective...getting some really blunt put downs from some pretty ordinary women when I was skinny, screwed up my perspective for quite a while as to interpreting women's intentions. When things change and there is a good reason for it (weight loss) this should make it much easier in your mind to justify the different behaviour in people as now being for a different reason. I know you think you are the same person, but for guys you are not...you should embrace it.

Edited November 12, 2011 by ascendotum

[Feelin Frisky]

I totally identify, River. I was a fat child who was tormented and then at 15 I lost over 100 pounds and of course also started being "not a kid" anymore (if you know what I mean). By 16 and 17, I was getting attention I didn't know how to handle because inside me I still felt like hiding when a group of girls came down the block or w/e. Some times I revelled in being the "looker" but I didn't have the confidence to go with it. Turns out I was to gain the weight back more than once and have the same things happen when I got it together and lost it again. It wasn't until my early 30's when I had a 115 weight loss that I also got the right kind of job that helped me be confident with people. I knew I had to be a public speaker and teach groups of adults and I learned that not only did I conquer the weight but that if I shopped well I could find clothes that looked like they were made for me.

 

Please don't even fall backwards just because its comforting and natural. It's so much better to "have a place" in society, so to speak, where you are looked at with admiration. All that falls away when you get heavy again and people will treat you like you don't exist. Just keep moving ahead and think positively. If you're getting positive vibes, they are most likely because you're good-looking to start with even though weight has obscured that fact for some time. I wish you all the best.

[Cee]

I grew up as the "ugly duckling" and when I got positive attention in college, I was greedy for it. But I never thought I ever lived up to the compliments I got. That never changed. I think I'm pretty, but not special. In a way that is good because I don't equate my worth with my looks. I'm in my 40s now and seeing my looks fade. And I'm not devastated by it, only a little sad. I still think I'm pretty, but not special.

 

Enjoy your fitness. Having a healthy body is so important as you age. It keeps you youthful and energetic. Your heart, bones, and brain are the more important than hair and skin.

[Eve]

Well done you OP! Keep going!

 

I am glad that I started off looking quite awful as it made me understand how to recognise fake people. When I changed (aged about 17) I suddenly had more male attention than I had even previously wanted. It just made me cold to players and those equally as idiotic. I even had people who had been nasty to me before wanting some.

 

As if. Please.

 

I am really grateful for my experiences. Looks are superficial. It is who you are that counts. That's what I have learned anyway.. though I can be fickle at times.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[jobaba]

I had a former theory about this. Let's call it the Suzie theory.

 

We've all been to junior high school and high school and know it's a cruel place. It is possible for an average, cute, and even pretty damn attractive girl to feel very unattractive in high school.

 

Let's call this girl Suzie. Suzie dresses badly and lacks polished social skills. She is shy and also very academic. The prettier and more confident and aggressive girls put her down and pick on her. She has a crush on the Captain of the football team and he rejects her in humiliating fashion. She goes to the prom with a platonic date and has limited dating experience by the time she graduates. She might have kissed a few guys. Never had a boyfriend.

 

But the thing is ... Suzie is actually a fairly attractive young girl. As time goes on, she goes through college and young adult life and gets increasing male attention. She starts dressing better and smiling more.

 

Now, logic would have it that Suzie would be attracted to some of the nerdier, nicer, shy guys because of her former experiences. Instead, Suzie shuns them, friendzones them, and lusts after the same confident, assertive and pretty boy types who teased her in high school.

 

This is an exaggeration. But I think in general, people are all social climbers. They don't remember where they came from, they just remember where they are at. They are always looking to mate with those of equal attractiveness or higher, and as soon as they feel they've reached a higher tier, they'll disregard those at the lower tier. I think it has a lot to do with animal instinct.

 

I do know of a woman who was the inspiration for Suzie, by the way.

 

And yes, I do have too much time on my hands...

[USMCHokie]

I had a former theory about this. Let's call it the Suzie theory.

 

We've all been to junior high school and high school and know it's a cruel place. It is possible for an average, cute, and even pretty damn attractive girl to feel very unattractive in high school.

 

Let's call this girl Suzie. Suzie dresses badly and lacks polished social skills. She is shy and also very academic. The prettier and more confident and aggressive girls put her down and pick on her. She has a crush on the Captain of the football team and he rejects her in humiliating fashion. She goes to the prom with a platonic date and has limited dating experience by the time she graduates. She might have kissed a few guys. Never had a boyfriend.

 

But the thing is ... Suzie is actually a fairly attractive young girl. As time goes on, she goes through college and young adult life and gets increasing male attention. She starts dressing better and smiling more.

 

Now, logic would have it that Suzie would be attracted to some of the nerdier, nicer, shy guys because of her former experiences. Instead, Suzie shuns them, friendzones them, and lusts after the same confident, assertive and pretty boy types who teased her in high school.

 

This is an exaggeration. But I think in general, people are all social climbers. They don't remember where they came from, they just remember where they are at. They are always looking to mate with those of equal attractiveness or higher, and as soon as they feel they've reached a higher tier, they'll disregard those at the lower tier. I think it has a lot to do with animal instinct.

 

I do know of a woman who was the inspiration for Suzie, by the way.

 

And yes, I do have too much time on my hands...

 

I agree here. People are attracted to the most attractive that they themselves can attract. Therefore, as their own stock rises and the quality of the attention they receive increases, their baseline of attraction rises.

[ErgoStep]

Be aware that it's the waiter's job to flirt.

 

Also, there is a level of interest that is genuine, yet isn't at the level of asking for your number.

[jobaba]

jobaba;

 

I have a different memory of 'Suzie' in high school. That type of gal had guys drooling over her. I think the sterotype of guys chasing the airheads is based on bad movies that never reflected reality.

 

'Jocks' were not all potential sociopaths. They could be smart guys who were also attracted to smart girls. guys have always had a crush on Marian the Librarian

 

I'm not high on the looks scale but always being fit and a science geek seems to compensate. My partners would have always won the 'which of the two of us is more attractive' contest.

 

It has more to do with being shy and socially retarded than academic for my purposes. The most popular and prettiest girl in my high school was ranked 3rd or 4th.

 

But the point has to do more with the moving up tiers and shunning the very types of people which you yourself used to be...

[Wolf18]

Most women who were ugly ducklings in high school become gorgeous in college...just for not being obese.

 

I think this thread is just subtle bragging. It's laughably easy to get male attention everywhere at 25, i'll write you a check for 10 million dollars and you can cash it if it's still happening at 45.

[Nexus One]

i'll write you a check for 10 million dollars and you can cash it if it's still happening at 45.

 

But then you'll be 10 million in debt.