angelj Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Here it is - oh - background - my boyfriend and I have been together a year and we now live together. We have a loving and affectionate relationship and he has initiated talk of the future multiple times. In the beginning of our relationship, we had sex constantly - he was always ripping my pants off. *However - I must add that he also has a bit of a drinking problem. Although it has tremendously slowed down/almost stopped - once he gets started, he can't stop. Therefore, in the past, 50% of the sexual attempts ended up with him having whiskey dick. It was quite frustrating. We eventually started having better sex (when sober) and he would finish, but then we had a few pregnancy scares (I am not on BC) and he started LOUDLY voicing his thoughts on how I needed BC. You see, I could not yet get on it A. bc of financial reasons and B. more importantly - bc of a health condition - I have a thyroid condition and I am already on hormones so I need to see a specialist AGAIN before I can even go there. A few months ago he even pulled my best friend aside and asked her to talk to me about getting on it so he could enjoy sex without thinking the entire time he was terrified of getting me pregnant. Needless to say - he recently moved in and the sex has hit a RAPID decline. The last few times we tried have resulted in a sad attempt. He would lose his erection! He was unemployed for about 2 years and finally landed a very good, high stress job and has carried his work home with him most nights. I should mention the week he moved in, he got hired. We have both made several passes at how we need to get it on but nothing ever happens. He used to seem to have a very hungry sexual appetite and this lack of sex is making me think crazy thoughts such as: I am undesirable, he is losing interest, he is bored or he is cheating. He swears none of the above is going on - but what the heck! I haven't directly talked to him about this, but I know I should and not act whiny or beat around the bush. He jokes ALL THE TIME (since the beg) about very touchy subjects - weight, intelligence, etc and has always joked. But now that the lack of sex is present it is making me take them to heart. For example - this morning we were laying in bed those last few seconds before getting up (already running late for work) making a few jokes and I mentioned how I wanted him and reached at his pants and jokingly he shouts "oh god it burns! it's like little ant bites!" To which of course, I got slightly annoyed and he jumped up and grabbed my face and said I am kidding, I swear. You are beautiful and sexy. I can't say these things too much because what will I have left in the future to say?" What the hell. At least I caught him checking out my ass majorly when I got dressed this morning. Any thoughts?????????????
The Blue Knight Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 If the sex is already waning, there's a problem. But the drinking issue worries me as well. Even if he's not consuming like he was, it's just a matter of time before that could start up again and it could end up being more than just a "performance" issue if you're hooked into this guy. I can't believe you don't make him wear a condom frankly. Having kids without proper planning is a great way to complicate your life for many years to come.
Author angelj Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 I know, I was worried about the waning sex too. He is VERY selfish. He's an only child and although he is 29, his mother still does A LOT for him. And he is quite spoiled. I have been worrying a lot lately because I Have some fears of abandonment myself, but the whole lack of sex thing freaks me out and I know he doesn't like it either. A perfect example of the selfish stuff: We had plans to head to a festival about 30 min away - it was his idea earlier in the week. Actually, a knife and gun show - I was pretty excited! It's rare that we get out and do anything like that. I scheduled a hair appt. for myself today at 12 and realized it would interfere. So I was going to change it but realized I really wanted to get it done and head to the show after. I had a strong feeling he would end up cancelling on our date, however I asked multiple times before I left this morning if we could please still go after. I was truly excited to spend a fun day out together instead of couped up in the house, or football sunday with beer and his friends. He insisted we would. Of course, the minute I get home, he is involved in something else and states he is going to hang out with his buddies and do guy stuff all day instead. I calmly told him I was disappointed and I was really looking forward to it. How I had cancelled on a few friends today knowing my day was packed. He totally got an attitude and tried saying he didn't even like guns anyway. Dude, is he almost 30 or 13? I got REALLY upset after he left. I even said to him, that really is too bad I am going to be home now without plans because I cancelled on everyone that was available. And his response, "well I was home bored all morning so I have to get out of the house now" and he left. I know that is probably a very juvenile thing to bring up right now, but it really bothered me. I, of course, sent him a text saying sorry for sounding like a brat, I was excited to check out the guns and to have fun" but he didn't respond. Doesn't this sound mighty selfish? And about the condoms - you guys are right. It was just always such an issue that he insisted he would not wear one. But its such a pain in my ass because I don't have insurance and with my hormonal stuff, I honestly didn't want to get on birth control at all. I have not yet been on it and I am 28. Why start?? I just wanted some insight. There are many fabulous things about us but there are some bold areas that really bother me. And yes. the drinking and getting out of hand is of a big concern.
wildtrac77 Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 I know, I was worried about the waning sex too. He is VERY selfish. He's an only child and although he is 29, his mother still does A LOT for him. And he is quite spoiled. I have been worrying a lot lately because I Have some fears of abandonment myself, but the whole lack of sex thing freaks me out and I know he doesn't like it either. A perfect example of the selfish stuff: We had plans to head to a festival about 30 min away - it was his idea earlier in the week. Actually, a knife and gun show - I was pretty excited! It's rare that we get out and do anything like that. I scheduled a hair appt. for myself today at 12 and realized it would interfere. So I was going to change it but realized I really wanted to get it done and head to the show after. I had a strong feeling he would end up cancelling on our date, however I asked multiple times before I left this morning if we could please still go after. I was truly excited to spend a fun day out together instead of couped up in the house, or football sunday with beer and his friends. He insisted we would. Of course, the minute I get home, he is involved in something else and states he is going to hang out with his buddies and do guy stuff all day instead. I calmly told him I was disappointed and I was really looking forward to it. How I had cancelled on a few friends today knowing my day was packed. He totally got an attitude and tried saying he didn't even like guns anyway. Dude, is he almost 30 or 13? I got REALLY upset after he left. I even said to him, that really is too bad I am going to be home now without plans because I cancelled on everyone that was available. And his response, "well I was home bored all morning so I have to get out of the house now" and he left. I know that is probably a very juvenile thing to bring up right now, but it really bothered me. I, of course, sent him a text saying sorry for sounding like a brat, I was excited to check out the guns and to have fun" but he didn't respond. Doesn't this sound mighty selfish? And about the condoms - you guys are right. It was just always such an issue that he insisted he would not wear one. But its such a pain in my ass because I don't have insurance and with my hormonal stuff, I honestly didn't want to get on birth control at all. I have not yet been on it and I am 28. Why start?? I just wanted some insight. There are many fabulous things about us but there are some bold areas that really bother me. And yes. the drinking and getting out of hand is of a big concern. If he has a drink problem like that then the only answer is he gives up the booze full stop and never touchs another drop!! as for the birth control, cant he help pay towards it?? as for the sex it sounds like the stress from work is half the problem, if he has problems in that area getting to attention he will feel like **** about it and it poss will make him feel very inadequate being a guy and not something he will want to talk about, how about a long weekend away somewhere?? no work stress no mates and no booze and she what happens, if he cant get it up then he needs to seek help or this will destroy the relship longterm, sounds like he still fancys you as he is checking out your ass..
wildgeese Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 He is acting like a child and not like he's a fully grown man in a relationship. You shouldn't have to apologize to him for looking forward to something. I understand it's sometimes easier to bend to avoid conflict, but that is really just undervaluing your worth. As for the sex, maybe you could try morning sex? My boyfriend is a chef so he works ridiculous hours (and we're currently LD) but when we are together and he's too tired/feeling stressed after work, we'll both happily wake up a bit earlier for a morning quickie. Starts your day off on the right foot too. On a side note, you can still easily afford birth control without insurance. Just go to Planned Parenthood for your exam and then they will gladly find some affordable options for you. I only pay $9 a month for a generic brand and I've been very happy with it.
The Blue Knight Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I know, I was worried about the waning sex too. He is VERY selfish. He's an only child and although he is 29, his mother still does A LOT for him. And he is quite spoiled. I have been worrying a lot lately because I Have some fears of abandonment myself, but the whole lack of sex thing freaks me out and I know he doesn't like it either. A perfect example of the selfish stuff: We had plans to head to a festival about 30 min away - it was his idea earlier in the week. Actually, a knife and gun show - I was pretty excited! It's rare that we get out and do anything like that. I scheduled a hair appt. for myself today at 12 and realized it would interfere. So I was going to change it but realized I really wanted to get it done and head to the show after. I had a strong feeling he would end up cancelling on our date, however I asked multiple times before I left this morning if we could please still go after. I was truly excited to spend a fun day out together instead of couped up in the house, or football sunday with beer and his friends. He insisted we would. Of course, the minute I get home, he is involved in something else and states he is going to hang out with his buddies and do guy stuff all day instead. I calmly told him I was disappointed and I was really looking forward to it. How I had cancelled on a few friends today knowing my day was packed. He totally got an attitude and tried saying he didn't even like guns anyway. Dude, is he almost 30 or 13? I got REALLY upset after he left. I even said to him, that really is too bad I am going to be home now without plans because I cancelled on everyone that was available. And his response, "well I was home bored all morning so I have to get out of the house now" and he left. I know that is probably a very juvenile thing to bring up right now, but it really bothered me. I, of course, sent him a text saying sorry for sounding like a brat, I was excited to check out the guns and to have fun" but he didn't respond. Doesn't this sound mighty selfish? And about the condoms - you guys are right. It was just always such an issue that he insisted he would not wear one. But its such a pain in my ass because I don't have insurance and with my hormonal stuff, I honestly didn't want to get on birth control at all. I have not yet been on it and I am 28. Why start?? I just wanted some insight. There are many fabulous things about us but there are some bold areas that really bother me. And yes. the drinking and getting out of hand is of a big concern. Angel, I have no idea what you're doing with this guy. I've been in law enforcement for 20 years and these are the relationships that blow up and get us called over and over again because they are bad to begin with. Then I end up listening to either the male or female (depending on who the problem is at the moment) moan and groan about "I saw all this three years ago when we met, but now we're married with two kids, what do I do?" I'd like to say to them, RUN. In cases where it's physical obviously we take action. But if it's just an argument or someone acting selfish, or it's the typical nonsense over money, finances, sex, cheating, booze, joblessness, etc, those we just separate the two of them by sending one away. The problem for that person (you in this case) is you're faced with the problem the next day, and the day after. My point is this. You don't have those ties to this guy yet, THANK GOD! You don't have a marriage. You don't have kids. What finances you have together can surely be split at this moment without the legal problems that plague a divorce. RUN! I'm telling you that after 20 years of dealing with selfish and self-centered people like your boyfriend, guys like this can't change. They exist for their own pleasure. They do what they want to do when they want to do it. If he loved you in the normal sense of the word, he would never treat you this way. Trust me on that. And there are dozens of married people here on loveshack who will tell you the same thing. There isn't one redeeming thing about this guy that you've posted yet. DO NOT let your self esteem begin to talk you into "this is the best that I can do" and you end up settling for him. YOU WILL regret it if you do and at that point, it's too late and you're stuck with this load. Then you're tied to him because of children and many other complications that you haven't even considered.
ErgoStep Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Note that when he is unemployed, he has more energy and a higher libido. The high stress job wearies his mind, which lowers his sex drive. I'm willing to bet that if he lost his job he'd be more energetic in the sack again. I'm not sure you want him to stop working though.
Recommended Posts