Over 2 weeks no response from bf!! !!

[forms]

Five months ago you went out a few times with a guy. Not only did he tell you he didn't want an official relationship with you, he told you you and he weren't dating.

 

In the last 3 months you've seen him once. He doesn't respond to your texts and doesn't tell you he left town.

 

You've spent more time apart than together. You definitely aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. You aren't really even friends. You are pleasant acquaintances.

 

What does not matter: his astrological sign; that he said he was 'just joking' when challenged on the dating issue; that he's worried about his visa; that he might be a bit stressed/depressed; that he apologized for not getting in touch with you earlier; that his flatmates like you and referred to you as his girlfriend.

 

What matters: You've spent more time apart than together, you've been apart half again as long as you were together, he's making NO effort AT ALL to engage with you, and he's told you straight out you are not only not in a relationship, you aren't dating.

 

Time to let this one go. He hasn't thought about you one 20th as much as you've thought about him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

forms:

You've spent more time apart than together. You definitely aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. You aren't really even friends.

 

Really. And he's not "your guy," either. You are not really a part of his life, and he is not a part of yours, either.

 

Why are you grasping at it this way?

 

Spend your time and energy on a guy who gives enough of a hoot to bother with you!

[Rhia1978]

I am not saying he's my boyfriend. His friends call me his girlfriend - that's all. We were getting to spend time with each other - at the beginning who spends all their time with the other person? It slowly gets more intense as the two get to know each other better. So why does how much time we have spent apart or together matter? The time we spent together was great - to the point that he was literally at my beck & call. It wasn't me who wanted to meet when I got back. So the pull's not just from my end. Anyway I somehow believe in him so while I agree with what you'll have had to say, I can't shake my faith in him - odd but true. I was once broken up with when I was struggling with career & money. It spurred me onto better things & success - if my ex found out about this - and am sure he did cos my best friend was his family friend - he'd regret giving up on me at that crucial juncture. If he had stood by me I would have treasured him for life. But now I think of him as 'that guy who abandoned me & had no faith in me'. Now I face the same situation - except the roles have reversed. That's what I am asking myself - should I wait & support him (if he wants it that is) through these difficult times or run away. I don't want to regret my decision. I still haven't responded to his email - am enjoying the power. However, I don't want to be like him & behave rudely. Don't want a tit for tat. Some are telling me to send a brief reply while others are saying 'let him chase & show you how much he really wants you. If he dies really want you, he'll make the effort'.

[forms]

I am not saying he's my boyfriend. His friends call me his girlfriend - that's all.

 

Oh, I'm sorry. What does the 'bf' in your title stand for if not 'boyfriend'?

 

What his friends call you doesn't matter. It's what HE calls you. And he's not calling you his girlfriend. And he made it very clear he doesn't call himself your boyfriend.

 

So why does how much time we have spent apart or together matter?

 

Because there are two ways to tell what is important to a person: how they spend their money and how they spend their time. And of the two, how they spend their time is more important than how they spend their money.

 

But he's not spending time or money on you.

 

The time we spent together was great - to the point that he was literally at my beck & call.

 

If he's literally at your beck and call, then how to explain the title of this thread--you haven't heard from him in two weeks? Oh wait, I guess I overlooked the word 'was'. I guess you did too.

 

The time we spent together was great... It wasn't me who wanted to meet when I got back. So the pull's not just from my end.

 

Why didn't you want to meet him when you got back? If it was so great?

 

If it was so great, then why didn't he want to continue it? If it was so great, why did he make a point saying you weren't even dating? If it was so great, why risk alienating you? If it was so great, why hasn't he sought you out?

 

It was great for you, so-so for him. People gravitate towards pleasure and avoid pain. While you probably weren't a pain to him, you also weren't enough of a pleasure that he made any effort to nurture your friendship.

 

So he saw you ONE TIME after you returned. He probably had some fond memories of you, wondered if they were worth pursuing, met up with you, and decided he didn't want to pick up with you where you left off. This is not an indication of a 'pull' towards you; it's actually the opposite: he gave it a shot and saw nothing that interested him and wandered off without much thought of you.

 

I was once broken up with when I was struggling with career & money. It spurred me onto better things & success - if my ex found out about this - and am sure he did cos my best friend was his family friend - he'd regret giving up on me at that crucial juncture. If he had stood by me I would have treasured him for life. But now I think of him as 'that guy who abandoned me & had no faith in me'. Now I face the same situation - except the roles have reversed.

 

But that was your ex, not this guy. And just because YOU'd treasure someone for life while you ignored them, doesn't mean anyone else would. That's false assumptions on your part. You seem to be having trouble with boundaries. You having a great time doesn't mean HE's having a great time. You feeling a pull towards him, doesn't mean he feels a pull to you (in fact, his words and actions clearly indicate he didn't). Because you'd cherish some you'd ignored for life if they stood by you doesn't mean he would.

 

That's what I am asking myself - should I wait & support him (if he wants it that is) through these difficult times or run away.

 

What makes you think he even wants your 'support'?

 

Much less would cherish you forever if you give it?

 

I still haven't responded to his email - am enjoying the power.

 

And maybe that's the answer to why he's pretty much gone from your life. You are on a power trip with him being at your beck and call and withholding long-awaited for emails under the delusion you gain power from it.

 

And how much power do you think you are gaining from this? My guess is he never noticed you haven't returned his email or if he has doesn't much care.

 

However, I don't want to be like him & behave rudely. Don't want a tit for tat.

 

But you will do it anyway.

 

Some are telling me to send a brief reply while others are saying 'let him chase & show you how much he really wants you.

 

I think there is no chance of him chasing you. And he is--and has been--showing you how much he really wants you. Which is, not much.

 

If he dies really want you, he'll make the effort'.

 

And if he doesn't, he won't make any effort. Which he hasn't.

Edited November 19, 2011 by forms

[mortensorchid]

I read your original post twice and then read a few other early responses. This whole situation sounds a bit odd to say the least. First and foremost, don't blame yourself and make excuses for what you are or are not doing right or wrong. His employment/finance/visa/other things aside, if he cared enough about you, he would reach out to you and tell you what he was/is doing. No one disappears after all this and wants to be found. We've all been there, stressing over someone they had a get together with and haven't heard from in a few days/weeks since. So I think you should just move on.

[Rhia1978]

Forms - everytime we went out he'd pay for me. So yes he has spent his money on me. When I said he was at my beck & call - i don't mean I was using my power over him. You have some valid points but overall your approach is quite bullying. To tell me that I am on a power trip is rude & irrational. I am not power hungry. I was merely trying to explain that he didn't ever refuse to spend HIS time with me. Also I didn't want to meet him immediately after I got back cos I wasn't certain if my friend I was traveling with would stay the weekend & whether I'd be jetlagged. No other reason. When he texted & asked me about catching up I told him that - that I'll have to see how jetlagged I'd am. We already had a party the following weekend - there was no need to rush. Anything wrong with that? Maybe he did try & realized there wasn't any spark left - agreed - so why his email now? I am enjoying the power - as in getting some control back - some semblance of order back. His comment about us not dating - I really wasn't even expecting any commitment that early in any case. So why make such a big deal of it. I feel you are focusing on something that wasn't even an issue with me. You are saying he's a nobody to me - I accept your ruling. As for being 'rude' - I will be 'rude' cos of the advice I am getting - from you'll & friends. If I had it my way i'd email him back & let him know what's happening in my life & asking him how he is. But I am listening to the advice am getting - anything wrong with that? I detect aggression in your response - not compassion. But thanks for taking time to write.

 

Mortensorchid - hello. He has contacted & told me what's going on - you might not have read my post - have out in what he wrote there.

[forms]

When I said he was at my beck & call - i don't mean I was using my power over him. ... I am enjoying the power - as in getting some control back - some semblance of order back. ... To tell me that I am on a power trip is rude & irrational.

 

No, you said you were withholding because you ENJOYED the power of it. Doing silly things like not responding to an email you want to respond to because you imagine it gives you 'power' over someone and you ENJOY the idea of having power over him is a power trip.

 

It's pointless. Not writing him an back promptly gives you no power whatsoever. You have no control over him at all whether you write back immediately or not. And I find that you thinking this gives you a semblance of order 'back' bizarre. This is control-freak talk. "Get back in line, you; get in order, I want my beck-and-call back from you. I want control over you. I am feeling ignored and powerless and I will get back my power by ignoring YOU. There take that! No email for you!"

 

This guy has gone weeks, changed countries or whatever, moved on and never really thought it was important to let you know. He went two weeks without contacting you--he's not going to be crushed or even care or perhaps even notice that you are not writing back. You are very low on his list of priorities. Very low.

 

Any 'power' you obtain from withholding a friendly email is all in your imagination.

 

I was merely trying to explain that he didn't ever refuse to spend HIS time with me.

 

But...he has. Why don't you see that? In the two weeks you referenced in your thread title, your 'bf', didn't even have the time to send you a text. "Hey, just wanted you to know I'm moving. W/R."

 

It took me mere seconds to write those 9 words. He didn't have a couple seconds for you. I have spent more time with you in the last two days than he's spent with you in the last two weeks.

 

Also I didn't want to meet him immediately after I got back cos I wasn't certain if my friend I was traveling with would stay the weekend & whether I'd be jetlagged. No other reason. When he texted & asked me about catching up I told him that - that I'll have to see how jetlagged I'd am. We already had a party the following weekend - there was no need to rush. Anything wrong with that?

 

Yeah, a lot. Here you are wondering if you are making the right or wrong decision, worrying about whether you are going to regret not following through 'supporting' him in his 'time of need' so you can get lifetime gratitude out of him--and you are blowing him off.

 

Look at your actions. You know him two months. You leave the country for another two month. You come back and are lukewarm about seeing him. There's no way this guy is going to see you as a 'supportive' person. And yet, oddly--very, very oddly--you are agonizing (apparently on several different forums) about whether or not you ought to be supportive of him or not.

 

There's no indication he wants or expects support from you. You are just someone he hung out with for a while before she went away and he changed the direction of his life. Someone he made it clear to he was not dating (even if he paid for your meals) and did not want a relationship with (even if he was agreeable to any plans you came up with--that beck and call thing).

 

Your dilemma of whether or not to be supportive of him is all fantasy in your head, just like the idea that he's your boyfriend, or the idea that not answering his email right away gives you power.

 

Maybe he did try & realized there wasn't any spark left - agreed - so why his email now?

 

Sweetheart, there was NO spark before. Any guy who quickly corrects you and tells you "Hey, we aren't dating" and "I don't want a relationship" isn't feeling a spark. He liked you fine. But there was no spark. You probably listen to him bitch about the horrible job he worked at for 2 weeks and listened to him whining about not having his contract converted into permenant employment. You probably sympathized with his visa problems.

 

Then you went away. You spent as much time away as you were together. Then you came back and sort of blew him off. He got the message. No big deal, he'll sort his life out without whining to you about it. After all it's not like he ever dated you, or wanted a relationship with you.

 

So he sent you an email? It means nothing. I've sent 4 emails this evening all to people I like and none with whom I have any 'spark' with, am interested in dating, or want to be associated with the terms boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

You might get a Xmas card too; it won't mean he regrets 'losing' you.

 

You are saying he's a nobody to me - I accept your ruling.

 

No, I'm saying you think of him as a boyfriend and he thinks of you as a past acquaintance; ships passing in the night. You're not on the A list or the B list of his life. Maybe the C or D list. I doubt you're on the ****-list even if you play silly power games like not responding to his email that you so desperately wanted to receive from him.

 

He's clearly not a nobody to you. And you aren't significant to him.

 

As for being 'rude' - I will be 'rude' cos of the advice I am getting - from you'll & friends. If I had it my way i'd email him back & let him know what's happening in my life & asking him how he is. But I am listening to the advice am getting - anything wrong with that?

 

My, my, my. Are we having problems taking responsibility for our own decisions here? Back up. You decided not to write him back immediately BEFORE you mentioned it to us on this thread. You said you didn't want to be rude, you didn't want to be like him, you didn't want to do tit-for-tat.

 

But you are choosing to be rude, and to ignore your own inclinations because--as you already admitted--you are getting a power rush out of it. Now, on second thought, admitting to the power rush doesn't make you look so good, so you are blame-shifting, blaming strangers on a forum for making you do something you don't want to do.

 

No one is going to buy that.

 

Is there anything wrong with that. You betcha. Grown ups take responsibility for their decisions, even their bad ones. And grown ups remain true to themselves instead of getting themselves all tangled up in manipulative games like you are doing.

 

You want to write him, so write him. You don't want to be rude, so don't be rude. But wait--there's a competing desire in you: to enjoy the power of withholding, to get some semblance of order 'back', or get control again. Which path are you going to take. The mature one where you write back in a timely friendly manner--or the manipulative, game-playing path that makes you feel powerful?

 

You chose the manipulative option, and it's completely on you.

 

I detect aggression in your response - not compassion.

 

You can detect what you choose. I am civil in my responses, and they are reasonable and thought out and pertinent to your responses. And frankly I think they are far more compassionate that patting you on the head and saying, "Poor little mistreated OP", and indulge in your imaginary 'bf' and your imaginary relationship, and your imaginary 'power'.

 

I understand that looking at your situation more realistically is likely to be very uncomfortable, something that maybe you've been trying hard not to do. But there's nothing non-compassionate about saying, the emperor has no clothes.

 

And my dear, your emperor has no clothes.

[snowflakes88]

Maybe he did try & realized there wasn't any spark left - agreed - so why his email now?

 

Probably so you would stop bothering his friends and roommates about where he was / what was going on. Honestly, I think this guy could've popped back up with that sorry ass "apology" in 6 months and you'd still have been lapping it up. He doesn't even need an excuse... you're happy to make a million for him, even when he STILL isn't in touch with you. If he gave a damn, he'd be doing everything in his power to figure out why you weren't responding, trying to make sure you weren't mad, etc. Nothing about this man's behavior says he cares about you even a smidgen as much as you care for him. Nothing. It's disconcerting that you can't see it (or just don't want to).

[Rhia1978]

Forms - let me be clear with you. I am not a control freak or power hungry or rude. Nothing can be farthest from the truth. I don't need you to judge me. I have asked a question - & if you have anything to say - pls say it politely. You are personally attacking me. It's the absolute truth that I am not writing to him cos I've been advised not to. I don't care how you construe that. You don't know me & I don't need your input. I would request you not to write anymore to my post. You are extremely opinionated & refuse to budge from your rigid views. Lots of threads on this forum - am sure your opinions will be appreciated somewhere else. I don't appreciate it. Thanks & take care!

[forms]

Desperately need insight!

 

You say you 'desperately' need insight, but when that insight is contrary to your fantasy, you are terribly offended. What's the point of asking for insight if you won't consider it?

 

You say you want your question answered. Well you asked two questions in your initial post.

 

Can he be detached after I was away for the 2 months?

 

Honey, he was detached BEFORE you went away. Big clue: 'we aren't dating' and 'I don't want a relationship'.

 

If so then why bother with organising the catch up & making future plans?....This guy wanted to stay at my place before he left for the other city....we had made plans for a party the following weekend...and then....VANISH!!

 

Because he was moving and he needed a place to stay for a couple days. He asked to stay with you. You said yes. He never showed up. He decided he didn't need your housing--and never bothered to tell you about it. Just went silent and moved. He found a better, more appealing option. And your beck-and-call guy took it without letting you know he had a change in plans.

 

Is this his way of passive aggressive breakup?

 

Break up from WHAT? From your non-dating, non-relationship?

 

Do you even know what passive-aggressive means? It means he's very angry with you but pretending he's not and by using passive measures taking his anger out on you. There's nothing you've said that indicate he's involved enough to be angry with you, in fact you've said in your few and far between encounters you've only had one tiff. He's not passive-aggressively breaking up with you. He sees no need to break up with you since you were NEVER together, since he's not your boyfriend.

 

In the last 3 months you've seen him ONE TIME. And you've had, what?, 2 texts/emails from him? Many of your emails/texts he doesn't even respond to such as the stupid rhino text and the insipid are-you-alive texts. Before you leave for a long trip he doesn't spend the last night with you. He makes arrangements to stay at your house and stands you up without explanation, leaving town.

 

And you are "confused'? How on earth can you be 'confused'? You are confused because reality doesn't match up with your fantasy. And since you disregard any evidence contrary to your fantasy as being 'irrelevant', you are confused by that pesky reality that just won't go away.

 

When he comes back you sternly promise that you are going to have a face-to-face talk to him about standards. That's laughable. You know how that will go? He will listen politely, make a few excuses, promise you anything you want, eat your delicious cooking, sleep with you, and then do exactly as he's done all along. But you'll think, "We have an understanding, he explained why he was so thoughtless and uncaring, and he couldn't keep his hands off me; we are making PROGRESS."

 

You need to let go of this guy. Stop hunting him down and interrogating his flatmates, stop obsessing with your friends asking for advice and discarding any that doesn't support your fantasy that you are special to him, stop ruminating over and over until you can find an explanation that makes his behavior mesh with your hopes.

 

Most of all you need to stop looking at him for answers and start looking at yourself: ask yourself why you are being so willfully blind? Why are you tolerating this?

 

You will not end up with this guy. Find someone else. Let go and move on.

[PlumPrincess]

If he hasn't been suffering from a horrible depression or stuck in the bush with no possibility to communicate with civilization, then I would say, he is not really interested in you. My bet is, he is going to have a talk with you later on where he gives a nice, but still not very convincing excuse why he couldn't contact you, and then he will tell you that he gave this relationship a good thought and decided that it wasn't working out for him.

 

Nobody who cares for someone would disappear like that. Just check out the other threads where the guys freak out, because the girl they like hasn't replied back soon enough. Overanalysing is certainly not good, but being so cool that you think you can afford to not reply for weeks is not a sign of affection.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP,

 

People are harsh with you because it's frustrating to read things like this on an "advice" forum.

 

You have given a lot of information, and from my perspective, it all speaks perfectly clearly for itself. You don't really even need any advice. And you certainly don't want any advice.

 

You seem to be here for the purpose of finding some way to twist all the facts you have into something different than they really are, and that is what is frustrating. People get harsh because they want you to get a grip on reality. It's hard to watch someone who refuses, even aggressively, to deal with things as they really are.

 

What forms says is true and there is no other way to look at it.

 

Your "relationship" with this guy never got off the ground; it fizzled before it even started. A non event. Never happened. Not happening now.

 

I want you to think about this: being "there" for someone when they are having tough times has nothing to do starting a relationship. If you don't want to "abandon" this guy because you think he's having a tough time, that simply would mean that if he ever called you or wanted to meet up with you for coffee again, you would be open to lending an ear.

 

Someone who is dating / boyfriend material FOR YOU is someone who is showing sustained interest IN YOU.

 

Ideally, this person would also be in a place where they were emotionally and physically available to have something to give.

 

If the guy is too depressed or disorganized or underemployed or whatever to communicate with you, HE IS NOT RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL FOR YOU. Depressed, messed up people who still want to connect manage to do so.

 

None of this is happening with you and this guy. It never happened. No, he was not at your "beck and call," ever. You can't say on the one hand that the two of you were just in the "getting to know each other" stage, and then say that he was at your "beck and call" and have people believe that.

 

The person from your past who "gave up on" you and whom you believe would be so sorry now that you have your act together? I doubt it. NOT because you are not lovable, or not deserving of a boyfriend or anything - but because, most likely, that relationship didn't happen because there was not enough "spark," or whatever. It probably was another case of just not happening. This is a normal, though disheartening, part of dating.

 

And it's VERY unhealthy for YOU to start in with guys thinking of them as "projects" for you - it's also unfair to the guys. If they're not there and ready, then they simply are NOT THERE.

 

Evidently, this might be a pattern for you. If you would like, some day, to really have an actual relationship with another person who is present in the relationship with you, you are going to have to look at your own behavior and change this unhealthy pattern of refusing to deal in reality when it comes to a guy you'd like to be "dating."

 

LET THIS GO!

[Mme. Chaucer]

My bet is, he is going to have a talk with you later on where he gives a nice, but still not very convincing excuse why he couldn't contact you, and then he will tell you that he gave this relationship a good thought and decided that it wasn't working out for him.

 

 

 

That would be nice (the bolded), but I'm pretty sure that from this guy's point of view, he has already told her and demonstrated with complete clarity that the "relationship" wasn't working out for him.

[Art_Critic]

Nothing conclusive but I am relieved in a way.

 

What is conclusive is that is isn't your BF anymore.. I'd bet he is with another girl..

Sorry....