Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Desperately need insight! We’ve been together for 4 months out of which I was overseas for 2 months. I just got back a couple of weeks back. He kept in touch, waited and initiated the catch up once I got back. We spent a lovely evening together. We made plans to attend a housewarming the following Saturday and he told me he was moving to another city for a couple of weeks for work. He asked me if he could stay at my place for a few days before he left and I said yes. He told me on his emails and when we met that he missed me. Even before I left I said ‘I will kind of miss you’ to make light of what could have been a heavy topic. ‘Kind of?’ he asked and said ‘I will surely miss you’. When we saw each other for the last time before I left he asked me again ‘will you miss me?’. I’ve met his friends and flatmates and seen his place. He did this all by himself – I didn’t even have to ask him. His friends and flatmates love me…and my friends adore him. Since the morning after that evening after I got back…I have not heard from him. It’s almost 3 weeks now. Now he’s been struggling for work for these 4 months and is completely broke. He is also worried about his visa. He is pretty frustrated with all of this. I texted him once on the Sunday after we met, then on Monday and then on Tuesday. They weren’t heavy texts. Just saying hi and wondering how he was. I rang him on Wednesday in case he didn’t have credit. He didn’t pick up. Am not fussed since we normally don’t call each other. I texted him on Saturday to check about the housewarming. Nothing. I finally emailed him last Tuesday to let him know that I am not angry but concerned and that I care. I told him I am here if he needed to talk. Since quite a few people were telling me to visit his place, I finally did that last Friday. His flatmate told me he had left for the other city on Tuesday and he was physically fine. She said she was surprised too that he hadn’t contacted me and will try and get through to him. My friends think he’s sorting himself out and will come back to me. He had told me he’ll be back from the other city in a ‘couple of weeks’. So it’s not long to go before he’s back here. We have only had 1 small tiff so far. When he left on Sunday morning he said ‘see you soon’. He even forgot the t-shirt I had gotten for him…his beer’s still in the fridge and he forgot the DVD he wanted to borrow from me. He rushed out cos he was running late to meet a friend to return some money he told me. Additonally he used to go silent every Sunday and Monday. When I asked him about this he told me there was nothing sinister – he’d just be sleeping in and sometimes meeting friends. So I was getting used to that trend. But this is too long Can he be detached after I was away for the 2 months? If so then why bother with organising the catch up & making future plans? Even my flatmate said he looked ‘super keen’. Can he be depressed? My ex had lost his job and spiralled into depression and broken up with me. This is why am wondering whether he’s in a bad place and needs time to sort things out. Maybe feeling a bit emasculated too. Is this his way of passive aggressive breakup? Lastly, he is a Cancerian. I have noticed lots of articles about how they disappear and reappear. I am an Aries. He is 29 and I am 33. He has told my friends that he finds me intriguing and beautiful. He loves my cooking….could hardly keep his hands off me the last time we met and finds me ‘weird’. When we last met we were laughing so hard that we nearly fell of the couch – so it was a lovely evening we spent. I have tried to help him with his job by providing him contacts to call. I have certainly been very caring and sweet to him. He’s made a lot of effort too since it’s always him coming over to my place and it’s a 45 min journey on public transport. I really care for him and miss him. Except for once he has always been on time and I’ve never had to reschedule plans. My friends believe he genuinely likes me. Thanks in advance and sorry about the long post!!
Emilia Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Well star signs have nothing to do with this, I hope you realise that. I think he was silent on Sundays and Mondays because he had another woman and it sounds like he moved in with her. Have you ever been to his place?
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 (edited) He took me to his place himself before I left for overseas. I wasn't expecting it but he said he wanted me to know where he lived. I met all his flatmates and we all had a great time. The main flatmate told me they'd been asking him to bring me around for a while and she was glad she finally got to meet me. She was going away to babysit and told me not to leave cos she wanted to come back and hang with us. So yes I have been to his place. And I don't think he had another woman on the side cos everytime I planned anything, he was there - never asked me to reschedule. Besides he's introduced me to most of his friends as well...they call me his 'girlfriend'. When we met after I got back, we joked about how rusty we both were...so I don't think he hooked up with anyone in the meantime either. Anyway you might be right...only time will tell I guess but I trust him in that aspect. Even when we've gone out I've never seen him checking another woman out. If anything he keeps an eagle eye on the men around me and has even asked me about them later in the night. And yes I really don't think sun signs have anything to do with this behaviour....but I don't know really...too confused to tell...!! Edited November 11, 2011 by Rhia1978
Emilia Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 ... then I don't know Your post makes it sound like he is a decent guy but decent men don't behave like this.
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 See I've confused you too....!! Yes indeed he seems like a decent man...and that's why so many of my friends are still believing in him...though they are slowly giving up now...still puzzled. However, one of my closest friends refuses to give up on him...she tells me he will contact me once he gets back. She's met him and spent a lot of time talking to him...and she's normally a good judge of character....dear oh dear....why is he doing this...
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Not that I know of I asked a friend of his the first week when he vanished and he said he 'should' be fine but must be 'preoccupied'. When I went to his place and spoke to the flatmate I got along really well with - she said she was surprised as well that he hadn't contacted me. She didn't say if she had heard from him since he left for the other city. The 1st week he was still in this city - so guess his flatmates had seen him. The other friend hadn't met him since before I got back. I don't know if they are saying the truth or not. He really doesn't have close friends here...all are back in Ireland where he is from originally. When we first met and I had asked him he told me that - that all the good friends are back 'home'. I think he might feel a bit lonely at times. When he was at my place the last time, I was preparing dinner and asked him if he wanted some - he declined saying he had a big breakfast - now this was pretty late in the night. So I asked him 'how many ppl ask you if you are hungry?'. He went silent and then said 'actually no one'.
Emilia Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Oh he might be thinking about going back home and he is distancing himself. Don't mean to keep guessing here and keep coming up with different scenarios but that happened to me when my ex joined the Army. Not quite as drastically as your boyfriend but he is definitely the type of man who needs to cut contact completely - though not without warning. It's possible that he is feeling down and is distancing himself
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Well it is almost 3 weeks now in a couple of days.....it has been a while. He can't go back to Ireland....the recession there has made him come over here and he desperately wants a company to sponsor him. He mentioned his worries about the sponsorship to me the last time we met. He was frustrated and I pointed out that he needs to be patient and needs to stick to a company long enough to sponsor him. When we first met he loved the place he worked at - he was brimming over with confidence. The very next date he was distracted and I realised soon why - he had finished up at that place and was disappointed that they had not sponsored him. He had a job straightaway but he hated it so much that he quit it in less than 2 weeks. That's when he first went missing for a bit and I found out later that he had quit and had gone into a bit of a hole. Of course my contact - and very kind attempts that too - got him to open up and let me know. Before that I was assuming he'd done a runner...but no...was merely a case of hurt pride and frustration with his work. And all these weeks since then....he has gone downhill. Every week he'd tell me 'I'll surely have a job at the end of this week' almost as though to reassure me...and he wouldn't. Even in his emails to me while I was overseas he said just how frustrated he is.... Maybe he is distancing himself...but why...? This guy wanted to stay at my place before he left for the other city....we had made plans for a party the following weekend...and then....VANISH!! He had told me he'd be back in a 'couple of weeks' from the other city - well this coming week he should be back. Let's see if he initiates contact. He is completely broke - no doubts about that - he told me that many times.
Emilia Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 That's when he first went missing for a bit and I found out later that he had quit and had gone into a bit of a hole. Of course my contact - and very kind attempts that too - got him to open up and let me know. Before that I was assuming he'd done a runner...but no...was merely a case of hurt pride and frustration with his work. And all these weeks since then....he has gone downhill. Every week he'd tell me 'I'll surely have a job at the end of this week' almost as though to reassure me...and he wouldn't. Even in his emails to me while I was overseas he said just how frustrated he is.... Maybe he is distancing himself...but why...? This guy wanted to stay at my place before he left for the other city....we had made plans for a party the following weekend...and then....VANISH!! He had told me he'd be back in a 'couple of weeks' from the other city - well this coming week he should be back. Let's see if he initiates contact. He is completely broke - no doubts about that - he told me that many times. He is obviously very worried, feels a bit of shame and he is depressed. If he has done this disappearing thing before then it's a habit, he gets lost in himself and only resurfaces when he is ready. It's kinda selfish and self-centred. I know he isn't a bad guy but it sounds like his character makes him a very difficult person. My father was like this and on his dark days he just couldn't think of anyone else but himself. He ended up walking out on us because he was 'disappointed in himself' leaving 2 small kids (my sister and I) with our mum.
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Sad when a man is so broken that he has to leave his loved ones My dad's bipolar and I've seen what it has done to him. My ex loved me a lot and we had a very special little relationship before he lost his job, spiraled into depression and broke my heart. So I have seen in front of me how a job loss or a bad financial situation can change a man into a complete stranger. I have told this guy of my ex. However, I know this guy's far more resilient - if my ex was in his situation, he would have jumped off a cliff. I appreciate how through all these months he's tried to smile for me...and tried to be stable. That's why I am giving him so much time....since he has otherwise been lovely to me. I just hope that he realises how much I like him. Before I left for overseas we had a bit of an emotional parting. He stared into my eyes and went 'will you miss me?' and I said 'what do you think?'. 'I know you will miss me' - he said and I said 'of course I will'. Since he wasn't feeling well that day he didn't spend the night with me...I was disappointed but I had seen he wasn't well. The next day when I wanted to spend some time with him before I left he said 'saying goodbye yesterday was tough enough..can't do it again'. So I left it at that. But while we were saying goodbye the previous day I told him to look after himself for me. 'I will have a 6 pack and biceps by the time you get back' he joked. And I told him 'I don't care if you have 6 pack and biceps - I like you just the way you are'. And I meant every word. This is what he needs to remember. Yes he does need to knuckle down about his career and finances - but that's for him and his own well being rather than for me. Even after he quit the job he got after the one he liked, he took me out to dinner and didn't allow me to pay a cent - 'you pay the tips'. I appreciated the gesture. Whenever we went out he wouldn't allow me to buy any drinks. Maybe now he feels useless - cannot even take me out. But I don't need that. I've been organising our dates at home and don't have any issues with that. Once he's got a bit of money, we can go out then if he wants to - no rush!!
Emilia Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I don't know how it will work with this guy but if you end up splitting up somehow maybe it would work if you tried dating less melancholic guys.
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 It's quite funny you say that....my ex and this guy have been the only 2 men in my life who are going through similar situations. My ex was an alcoholic though. I have had other relationships and those men have had no similarities with my ex. I said this after our first date to my friends that he reminded me of a better looking version of my ex - 'hope that's where the similarities end'. We had met each other blindly - prior to our date the only thing either of us knew about each other was that he's Irish. So certainly not a coincidence of my doing. Anyway as I said...this guy's far more resilient than my ex ever was. This guy's by no means 'melancholic' though - he's very funny and bit of a joker in fact. My ex was a clown too.
Emilia Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Ok. Hope he gets in touch and you are able to resolve it somehow.
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 I hope so Emilia...!! Thanks for trying to unravel the puzzle for me. If he doesn't get in touch with me by the end of the next week - I will not wait any longer. I don't hold any anger towards him - just a bit of sadness that I didn't even get the opportunity to say a proper goodbye to him - if in case he still doesn't show next week. I so wish someone had some insight for me - it would really help. Surely am not the first person experiencing a situation like this...?!!!
snowflakes88 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I've seen you post this topic on another board, and you're conveniently leaving out the parts of the story where (1) he disappears on you frequently, and (2) has told you he does not want to be in an "official" relationship with you. The answer has not changed. Just not that into you, and you're still making a million +1 excuses. If he cared, he would at least text you to assure he is alive. Period.
azsinglegal Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I'm a Cancer and we often hide. I go thru stages all the time where I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone outside of work. I'm either hot or cold with relationships. It's tough for me to be in-between. Although, I'm doing it in my current relationship and I constantly go thru phases wondering if he even wants me around - even when I'm over there. We are a tough breed to "read" for sure. I like my alone time, but I also really enjoy being with people. I have friends that often worry about me cuz I won't return calls for weeks. They'll think I'm dead or hurt...but really, I'm just hiding out. It's not good or bad, it just what it is. I normally will respond to texts but not anything like "are you ok?" "please tell me you're alive" or something overly concerning, because I'm fine. I'll respond to..."I had the funniest thing happen today and thought of you..." type text. If it's too heavy I avoid it cuz I just don't want to deal with it. I'm not sure if that was much help.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Well, I am not telling you to be angry, but he is NOT your "boyfriend" if he behaves this way towards you. And his astrological sign, his financial woes or whatever is not any excuse for ignoring you. He has been your "boyfriend" for 4 months, but you were gone for 2 of the months, and now he's gone incommunicado for almost one month. That leaves very little time for the actual relationship to have developed. He wasn't interested in spending the last hours with you before you left, either. I'm sorry, but I think you should stop thinking of him as your boyfriend. It really doesn't sound like he ever was. If I were in your shoes, I would be angry.
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Snowflake88 - I didn't 'conveniently' leave bits out. I have already mentioned his trend of vanishing Sundays & mondays. As for the rest - didn't think it was relevant. Because I didn't get good enough insight from whichever forum you are talking about, I thought I'd give this one a go. If you didn't have anything different to offer, I would have understood. It's very easy to deal in black & white & say 'he's not into you' but I was told that previously once when he had vanished for a couple of days - he's bolted, he's done a runner. But one person told me to find out & jump to the most obvious assumption. When I did, I found out it had nothing to do with us & that all the 'he's not into you' people were wrong. Thanx anyway for taking your time to answer once more. Mme. Chaucer - I have only called him my boyfriend to make it easier to post. It's actually irrelevant to me what I call him. I know how short a time it has been. I wasn't after an assessment of what label I give him but of his behaviour. I agree I should be angry but since I know the predicament he is in, I cannot treat him as being any other normal person behaving like this. All these issues can make anyone want to run & hide - at least it would make me feel like getting away from it all. Of course he might not be what I think he is & time will tell. Am here, on thus forum, to see if anyone had a similar experience and/or could provide a different perspective. Azsinglegal - I was thinking exactly that. Maybe I should just tell him about something nice that's happening to me. For instance I am going to be on a gameshow & I so wanted to let him know. When I had the auditions he was so interested in it. But then again my last text on the day of the party was funny. I wrote 'i've heard a herd of wild rhinos attacked your place - are you still alive lol? If so then are we still on for the party tonight?'. That didn't work though I had decided a week back not to contact him anymore - so bit sure if I should text him now. He himself says he's a typical cancerian. Besides in the book 'men are from men, women are from venus' it says that when men go into their caves not to take it personally or prod. It says to leave them alone to sort out their issues. Any thoughts?
snowflakes88 Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 You don't think the fact that he has declined to be in an official relationship with you is relevant? Alrighty.
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 You don't think the fact that he has declined to be in an official relationship with you is relevant? Alrighty. No I actually don't. That's the truth. The reason for that is I saw what transpired prior to that - it'll be tedious to go into that - but I'll try. Basically we were on our way to meet his friends & during a conversation I said 'and now that we are dating...'. That was part of a sentence. As soon as I said that he said 'we aren't dating'. So I asked him what we were doing & that's when he laughingly said 'why do you women get so worked up with labels'. I had to go into a shop...when I came out I just told him to let it go. When we met his friends & they referred to me as his gf I immediately reacted & said 'hold on we are not dating'. I did it in a teasing manner but my sarcasm was there. He went 'I was only joking' & laughed. So the next time we met at my place I brought it up. Again he said he was joking when he said we weren't in a relationship. I told him not to think of what I want but tell me honestly what he thinks we are doing. That's when he went 'I want to see how we go..go with the flow & see?'. I was fine with that especially since his comment right after about that NOT meaning that we can see other people (so in other words exclusivity) was what I really wanted to hear. It had been less than 2 months at that point - I don't see why it's wrong of him to take things slow & see how we went. And he kept saying 'you are the one whose going away on a holiday'...as if he was scared I'd forget him. And besides actions speak louder than words - right? In that case his actions have shown he is keen about me..so need I pay much attention to words?
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Update folks: I areceived an email from him y'day. The following is what he said in the email: Really sorry i've not been in contact. It was * * * * ty of me I know. There were circumstances behind it though. I had to leave quicker than i thought. I'll explain it to you at a later date. In XXX city at the moment. Not sure when I'll be back in town yet.Hope your good anyway. I'll talk to you soon Nothing conclusive but I am relieved in a way. I knew all through that this had nothing to do with us or me but as human beings we of course assume the worst. A few of my friends have called this email lame and unacceptable. But if I have guessed correctly and he has been in a dark place, this communication would have taken a lot of effort and should be appreciated. Of course if he'd sent me this a couple of weeks back, it would have been better and I wouldn't have been kept guessing. A conversation regarding standards will happen - but it has to happen face-to-face. This is a start for sure. At least he's come out of hiding. Further, I had been texting with his flatmate the day before he sent me this email and she told me she hadn't heard from him either. So he had vanished on the whole lot of us. Which pretty much makes me wonder if I am right about him being slightly depressed at this stage and prone to running away. What do you think?
azsinglegal Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Azsinglegal - I was thinking exactly that. Maybe I should just tell him about something nice that's happening to me. For instance I am going to be on a gameshow & I so wanted to let him know. When I had the auditions he was so interested in it. But then again my last text on the day of the party was funny. I wrote 'i've heard a herd of wild rhinos attacked your place - are you still alive lol? If so then are we still on for the party tonight?'. That didn't work though I had decided a week back not to contact him anymore - so bit sure if I should text him now. He himself says he's a typical cancerian. Besides in the book 'men are from men, women are from venus' it says that when men go into their caves not to take it personally or prod. It says to leave them alone to sort out their issues. Any thoughts? I don't respond to "are you alive" txts either. Of course I'm alive, just don't want to talk to you - or sometimes anyone for that matter. Honestly, this guy isn't your boyfriend...if he's ignoring you for weeks at a time that's a bad sign. I never do that with a man in my life. When I'm depressed or down I hide. So it's possible he was doing the same. It's also possible he's just not wanting something committal with you due to the distance. I say utilize the old saying, "If you love something let it go...if it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be."
Author Rhia1978 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Hi Azsinglegal - I don't understand what you're saying. On one hand you say when you are depressed you hide but you don't treat men like the way my guy has treated me. So how long do you hide if you are depressed? And you also say that sometimes you don't want to talk to anyone - so how is it different from what's happened with me? I am only calling him my 'boyfriend' cos his friends call me his 'girlfriend' and cos it's easier to say it on these posts that keep saying 'my guy..my guy'. I don't like to use the word in any case....cos it sounds high schoolish. I'd rather call my guy my partner. Anyway really this is insignificant. So you reckon that the fact that he contacted me after 3 weeks is not something you would have done if you were depressed or in hiding? Just trying to understand that's all.
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