mtd4249 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I met a female through eHarmony about 3 months ago and from the beginning we had a strong connection. Our emails eventually went to 6 pages and our very first phone conversation went for 6 hours. We then followed that up with nearly 22 hours of phone chat during the first week of phone contact, so the bar was set high from the start. The distance between us is significant - she lives in the far north of Canada and I'm in Australia. We are planning to meet in early January. She has made it clear that she is interested in seeing where things will go and, of course, she's not getting carried away until we meet in person. I'm convinced she is interested, but recently I've sensed that things have cooled a bit from the start (and, as I said, we did set the bar high). We have talked about communication and she said she feels guilty if we make a time to chat and it doesn't go for hours. I told her I would prefer to talk to her more often for shorter periods of time than fewer chats for longer periods of time. She's been busy with work recently too and of course she has her own social life to live. She said she wants to be more spontaneous with our chats - and I suggested that it would be good to have like a quick "hi, how are you" kind of call for 5 minutes once a day -- she said, that every day might be too much at the moment (I think this is her tentativeness until we meet) and every other day would be good. She also said she enjoys our chats. I told her that it would be a shame to lose the strength of our communication connection and ability to talk for a long time together; but it should also be okay for either of us to say "I better go to bed" or whatever once that time comes. She said she likes the chats though ... so, the issue snowballs in a way - she likes the chats, the chats go for hours, then she avoids making more frequent contact because she would feel guilty if the chat didn't go for a long period of time! I also realize that we all have different levels of "neediness" when it comes to communications .... I'm surely more "needy" than she is. Personally, it would be good to set aside a couple of nights during the week to have one or two shorter chats and a night on the weekend for a longer chat. But, I know she doesn't want to have things as regimented as set days to talk ..... in part, I think, because she wants the flexibility for "me time". The issue is getting a system of communication that will work ... any advice from someone with LDR experience on a system that works would go a long way. Given the time difference between her and me (16 hours), I don't know how we can be spontaneous with our communications .... surely, we need to set aside some a particular night to chat (with some degree of flexibility)?
creighton0123 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 You shouldn't worry about a system of communication until you meet in person. Once in person, decide what is right and wrong for the both of you face to face.
Author mtd4249 Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 Thanks for your reply. In some ways, I get mixed messages - when we talk, we talk for hours. But lately I've felt she is avoiding talking or at least trying to cut it back - perhaps it is because she feels that every chat will go for hours (even though I've told her it doesn't have to and I'd be happy with a quick hello call). I sometimes feel like I'm the one emailing or texting her first ... and lately some emails she won't respond to (even though they're just emails without any real substance - like a photo of my house etc), some texts she won't respond to until the next day (others she responds to promptly), and the last couple of weeks she has made a time to chat with me but then cancels because she is busy at work. Perhaps I'm over-thinking it and perhaps it is the mixed messages that confuse me - because when we talk she makes it explicitly clear she is interested and yet some of those things I just mentioned could be construed as cooling off. I can understand she is busy at work and it has only been a month since we started talking on the phone .... maybe I should do the same as her because sometimes it feels like I'm chasing her.
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