SarahCG Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Hi everyone, I'm just new but was doing some reading and the advice given on here is great, I would really appreciate if you could read my story and advise me on my situation. Sorry in advance - this may be a long one! I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years in March. I loved him so much but I wasn't sure if it was in the right way (more brotherly/best friend love than boyfriend). I still love him though and have always questioned if I've do e the right thing. At times I think yes it was the right thing to do - but the rest of the time I have this feeling that I've made a mistake. I just hate feeling like this, it's been 9 months, surely I should be sure of my feelings by now? It feels like I'll always feel like this :-( In an attempt to try to make me feel better I've written letters to him (which I have kept) but I'm now tempted to send him one - in them I've said about how sorry I am for how I was towards the end (I used to be happy all the time with him, always laughing - I don't know what changed but I became irritable at times and down in the dumps, I should have been putting effort into being happy instead of indulging in those negative emotions) I became highly strung etc. so I explain all that in my letter. We agreed to be friends as we were best friends as well as bf gf. We had NC for months, until he texted me in July - so about 5 months, and we had a nice chat just over texts. A few weeks, maybe a month, I don't remember exactly - I texted him for a chat and it was lovely. I felt happy enough at this stage, we were still in contact and it was nice... Then a guy friend of mine and I began dating (I felt ready) and it turned out he has had feelings for me for a long time before us actually getting together. I fell for him too, I fell hard, and in our happiest moments I'm 100% with him in heart and mind but he has his problems too, insecure and jealous - he checks my ex bf's Facebook page all the time - checking in not still in touch with him. So i cant even chat to him or like/comment anything or boyfriend would be pissed, really pissed. Ex had uploaded new photos into an album which i had liked ages ago - boyf thought i had liked it that day and confronted me about it :/ when we started out I thought out of respect to his feelings I shouldn't be in touch with my ex so I stopped getting in touch, which I really regret. The last I contacted him was to wish him a happy birthday and see how he was keeping but that was all that came of it. I feel awful - it probably looks like I don't want to talk to him but if only he knew. I know this all sounds awful as I'm with a new guy - but he's so hard to handle sometimes and the major insecurity and jealousy (which no matter what I have tried to make him feel secure and happy) doesn't work. He accuses me of looking at other people when I don't etc. but anyway - Basically I don't know what to do or what my heart/head is trying to tell me. I find the concept of "moving on" or "letting go" so difficult. I want to get back in touch with my ex, even as friends but I don't know how as it has been so long. Facebook tells me he is not long back from a holiday and I think getting in touch now would look bad, like I'm jealous (which I'm surprisingly not). And whether to stay with new boyfriend - he's a sober alcoholic but it has left him with emotional/mental issues which are difficult to understand and also hard to handle. At times I'm completely content but I somehow keep coming back to feeling like this about my ex. I really miss him.. Sorry this is so long and jumbled, I hope it makes some sense! If you read through all of that - thank you.
Author SarahCG Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Here's some more info I never thought to include: I'm 21 and was 17 when I got with my ex. He was my first relationship, first love. Everything was wonderful but I think we began to take each other for granted and less effort was put in (on both our parts, but him more so). I felt bored and because we were young we should have been going out more, having fun - we were stuck in a routine of his house-DVD-tv. I compared our relationship to my friends' ones. Developed a bit of the grass-being-greener thing. Though he surprised me with a short break in Paris for my 21st birthday - which will be a year ago in a few weeks. It was so romantic and sweet. I guess I wanted more of that spontaneity and fun - not necessarily expensive holidays all the time but even going out to dinner now and again, trying new things together. He didn't want to lose me, he told me he would wait on me while I figured out my feelings - but I told him that wasn't fair. I feel now with space I know better and a little bit of effort would go a long way. But I'm scared of feeling how I felt before and it would hurt so much more. I hate how I broke his heart.
ChelseaLS Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Here's some more info I never thought to include: I'm 21 and was 17 when I got with my ex. He was my first relationship, first love. Everything was wonderful but I think we began to take each other for granted and less effort was put in (on both our parts, but him more so). I felt bored and because we were young we should have been going out more, having fun - we were stuck in a routine of his house-DVD-tv. I compared our relationship to my friends' ones. Developed a bit of the grass-being-greener thing. Though he surprised me with a short break in Paris for my 21st birthday - which will be a year ago in a few weeks. It was so romantic and sweet. I guess I wanted more of that spontaneity and fun - not necessarily expensive holidays all the time but even going out to dinner now and again, trying new things together. He didn't want to lose me, he told me he would wait on me while I figured out my feelings - but I told him that wasn't fair. I feel now with space I know better and a little bit of effort would go a long way. But I'm scared of feeling how I felt before and it would hurt so much more. I hate how I broke his heart. I personally think that many people, over a period of time in a relationship start to think that the love they are feeling has turned into a friend/family type of love instead of a lovers love. I think it is misinterpreted as this, because the hot and heavy burning passion from the start of the relationship, isn't as intense or really there anymore.. but that is normal when you get comfortable with someone. It's not that you have fallen out of love with someone, it's just changed. That being said without spicing up the relaitonship and keeping the relationship interesting it can turn into friend/family type of love. If this is really still bugging you, I would sit down and do some deep soul searching and figure out if that, the love you feel for him is friend or lover, love. Then proceed once you have figured out your answer.
ChelseaLS Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I personally think that many people, over a period of time in a relationship start to think that the love they are feeling has turned into a friend/family type of love instead of a lovers love. I think it is misinterpreted as this, because the hot and heavy burning passion from the start of the relationship, isn't as intense or really there anymore.. but that is normal when you get comfortable with someone. It's not that you have fallen out of love with someone, it's just changed. That being said without spicing up the relaitonship and keeping the relationship interesting it can turn into friend/family type of love. If this is really still bugging you, I would sit down and do some deep soul searching and figure out if that, the love you feel for him is friend or lover, love. Then proceed once you have figured out your answer. Also... I think it is very important to have seperate lives within a relationship. Go out and do your own thing... he doesn't always have to be there. If you were feeling bored, you could have started to engage your own seperate life.... go out with the girls etc. Encourage him to do the same with his buddies. You don't have to always be together. When you do that you risk smothering the relationship embers and killing the fire (I know.. I did that).
othersideofthepillow Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Also... I think it is very important to have seperate lives within a relationship. Go out and do your own thing... he doesn't always have to be there. If you were feeling bored, you could have started to engage your own seperate life.... go out with the girls etc. Encourage him to do the same with his buddies. You don't have to always be together. When you do that you risk smothering the relationship embers and killing the fire (I know.. we did that). wow i couldnt agree more!!!! this is exactly what i feel happened to my ex!!!! i just hope its not to the point that she will never realize that we do have great chemistry and are great together...
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