Poll for the ladies: Would you date a guy who fathers his ex-wife's kids?

[RecordProducer]

So, imagine this scenario: you've been dating a divorced man for a few months. His ex-wife has two children entering their teen age, but he is not their biological father. Nor has he adopted them. Nonetheless, he is totally crazy about these kids and calls them "my sons" and they call him "dad." The kids are nice to you.

 

He met them when they were 7 and he lived with his ex-wife for 3 years before they separated. Assume they spend more time with him than with the mother because she is very busy, but she lives very close. Also assume you have your own teenage kids (soon to be adults) and you hope to marry this guy.

 

Would you be like "Hey, these are HER kids, NOT HIS! Why the hell is he taking care of them?" How would you feel about living with some other woman's children, knowing they are not your partner's? Or would you think he's such a kind guy?

[lostcharm]

If I hope to marry the guy then I have to respect who was in his life before me and the relationship the kids have with him. I wouldn't be totally 100% comfortable with it but what kind of a woman would I be to take him away from the kids?

[RecordProducer]

If I hope to marry the guy then I have to respect who was in his life before me and the relationship the kids have with him. I wouldn't be totally 100% comfortable with it but what kind of a woman would I be to take him away from the kids?

 

Thanks for your response. Is that you in your avatar?

May I ask how old you are? Also, can you elaborate on what would make you feel uncomfortable? Would it be much different if the kids were his, too?

[lostcharm]

Thanks for your response. Is that you in your avatar?

May I ask how old you are? Also, can you elaborate on what would make you feel uncomfortable? Would it be much different if the kids were his, too?

 

Youre welcome! And yes, it is

 

I'm 28. I think the overall idea that there's still something keeping him and the ex in contact. I might feel insecure with that for a while. It would be different if they were his kids, yes. Mostly because that means he really doesn't have a choice to have the kids in his life or not; it would be more natural, if you will.

 

Also if they're his children, I would feel comfortable being part of their lives too

[Emilia]

I think you are both a bit... horrible. He obviously doesn't distinguish between 'real' or 'adopted' just like many people on this planet wouldn't. He must have helped them with their home work over the years, looked after them when they cried, dressed them, held them, nurtured them.

 

Do you really think he should throw away this bond just because he is dating some chick who doesn't even get it?

[lostcharm]

I think you are both a bit... horrible.

 

Who are you even talking to?

[RecordProducer]

Youre welcome! And yes, it is

 

You're gorgeous!

[Eeyore79]

If the kids were actually his biological children, would you feel differently? What if the kids were unrelated but were nothing to do with his ex - for example, what if the kids belonged to his best buddy but he was really close to them, and spent a lot of time with them and had sleepovers etc?

 

My gut feeling is that you're uncomfortable about the situation because the kids are his ex's, and would feel fine about if it the kids were someone else's. So what it comes down to is that you're jealous of him having unnecessary contact with his ex. I'm not getting at you, because I'd feel the same - I wouldn't be happy with my partner having unnecessary contact with an ex, to the extent that I don't date men who have children, and I don't even date men who keep in touch with exes.

 

What it comes down to is that, biological or not, he regards those children as his own, and will continue to act as their father. If you're not comfortable with that then just dump him and move on. If it makes you uncomfortable when someone has kids with their ex, don't date men with kids in future.

[Citizen Erased]

I think he's a good guy. Being there for who are obviously considered to be his kids, biological or not.

 

Myself, I would not date him, I've had enough family drama to last me a lifetime in this department, myself being the child with the divorced parents dating other people. Those messy situations I avoid like the plague. Obviously a little late for the "just don't date him" as there's already thinking of marriage so I'm not being terribly helpful.

 

That's me personally though. If, as in the details in the OP, I had my own children...well it'd be a little hypocritical to not make it work, as he obviously has to with my kids.

 

I guess it comes down to I wouldn't continue the relationship unless I was 100% ready and able to support him with his relationship with these children. He may not be their father but he is their dad.

[RecordProducer]

Sorry, I should've clarified this. I am the mother of the children. I just wonder what's going through her head. On the other hand, I think she only cares about his money, but the kids are still standing in her way of getting what she wants.

 

Frankly, I hope he marries her and she shows her true colors very soon; they're both bad influence on my sons. He disrespects me and she is a lowlife with prior theft convictions - while he is a much older, very welathy guy.

 

I wouldn't be happy with my partner having unnecessary contact with an ex

The touch being picking up the kids and phone calls? Or just the fact that he loves some other woman's children? See, the latter would bother me a lot if I were in her shoes, because I would think he must still love his ex.

 

I think he's a good guy. He may not be their father but he is their dad.

Well put. As for being a good guy, I am not sure he's not just trying to keep ME under control through my kids. Not that he doesn't love them.

 

Do you really think he should throw away this bond just because he is dating some chick who doesn't even get it?

Emilia, nobody is "not getting it" but this is not a math problem. It's a human instinct; you can't resolve feelings of jealousy toward another woman's children taken care by your partner just by talking yourself into it. Considering she is probably just a gold digger-scumbag, she'll be thinking all that money spent on his ex's kids could be spent on me.

[Cee]

Edit: The man (your ex) is perfectly fine. Leave him be.

 

Please focus your energy on your two boys and be grateful they have a man who loves them. And that he is supporting them. Your ex's love life isn't your concern.

Edited November 11, 2011 by Cee

[Eeyore79]

I am the mother of the children. I just wonder what's going through her head. On the other hand, I think she only cares about his money, but the kids are still standing in her way of getting what she wants.

If you're not the woman in question, how do you know how she feels about the kids, or what she wants? For all you know, she could love the kids and think you're a bad mom for allowing your kids to be mostly raised by a man who isn't even related to them. It seems presumptuous to assume that she hates the kids and wants them out of the way. I'm more inclined to question why you're allowing your children to spend most of their time with a man who isn't even their father!

 

He disrespects me and she is a lowlife with prior theft convictions - while he is a much older, very welathy guy.

If you don't like them, why are you letting your kids go anywhere near them? He isn't the father, so you're not legally required to give him access to the kids - you could just cut him out of your life any time you wanted. Sorry, but it just seems like you're fobbing your kids off on this guy and letting him raise them, then complaining about him an his new girlfriend.

 

The touch being picking up the kids and phone calls? Or just the fact that he loves some other woman's children? See, the latter would bother me a lot if I were in her shoes, because I would think he must still love his ex.

I'm not stupid enough to think that a man still loves his ex just because he loves her children. I just can't be bothered with the drama of having an ex hanging around the whole time, so I choose to only date guys who have cut contact with their exes. That means no men with kids, and no men without kids who still keep in touch with their exes.

[RecordProducer]

If you're not the woman in question, how do you know how she feels about the kids, or what she wants?

I don't know, hence this thread: I am trying to find out how other women feel about it.

 

I'm more inclined to question why you're allowing your children to spend most of their time with a man who isn't even their father!

 

The thing is I am NOT allowing them. He takes them and they are afraid to lose him. I can get a court order that he can't take the kids without my permission, but my kids will never forgive me. They're teenagers, remember? They're not 5-year olds. It's not that easy to pick them up and take them somewhere. He doesn't ask for my permission to take them either. He comes and gets them. I even called the police once and they said they couldn't do anything without a court's order since he is not really a stranger. Nobody understands that there's really nothing I can do that's not radical and upsetting for my sons.

 

And ever since she showed up, they're constantly in his house because they're afraid that he's going to ditch them because of her. They used to spend roughly half of the time with him because I was busy with grad school and work, but now they're "guarding their position" in his house/life, as my mom suggested. They're with him all the time. He disrespects me in front of them and then they disrespect me, too. They repeat everything he says to/about me. He reads to them emails that he and I exchange with comments like "your mother is nasty" (of course, he omits the parts where HE is nasty).

 

I am thinking all the time about what to do. I've examined every possibility, from letting them be to kissing their butts, to planning to move far away, etc. By the way, he's not a good guy at all. He does things to just piss people off, he is arrogant and selfish- I've lived with him for years. He is trying to control my life through the kids, because they're the last ring in the chain he had around me. In the last couple years, while we were separated, he ditched the children 4 times because he had an argument with me about something completely unrelated to the kids (I don't remember what). He once told me he'd left the kids outside in the rain and made them lie to me that they were outside - forced me to miss class and come to his house just to find that he was playing games).

 

He plays games all the time, and he lies like a dog. I can't even start telling you about all the sh*tty things he's done to me. I used to hang out on LS in the past, and people were begging me to dump him. When HE finally dumped me, people who had been following our marriage for years were telling me "Good riddance, we're glad that jerk is out of your life!" He's probably the meanest person I've ever met in terms of the things he did and said to all his ex-wives. I was his third wife, by the way.

 

Citizen Erased, ask your hubby about what a "good man" my ex is. He recalls!

Edited November 12, 2011 by RecordProducer

[RecordProducer]

Edit: The man (your ex) is perfectly fine. Leave him be. Please focus your energy on your two boys and be grateful they have a man who loves them. And that he is supporting them. Your ex's love life isn't your concern.

Cee, thanks for joining in. My previous post responds to your suggestion about being grateful to him - which I used to be very much. His life is my concern when he brings criminals around my children, like that woman and her son, who is also a criminal like his mother (and his father is in prison).

Ewww you are a freak. Based this thread on complete lies and hate. What a weirdo.

 

Emilia, thank you for your posts. Goodbye!

[Citizen Erased]

Citizen Erased, ask your hubby about what a "good man" my ex is. He recalls!

I remember your threads, no need to ask Pyro. Your ex is anything but a good man! I am actually a little surprised that he is even staying in contact with your children TBH, considering how awful he treated you.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Citizen Erased

[RecordProducer]

I remember your threads, no need to ask Pyro. Your ex is anything but a good man! I am actually a little surprised that he is even staying in contact with your children TBH, considering how awful he treated you.

Thanks. That felt good.

[daphne]

That unfolded in a different direction than where I thought it was going.

 

I thought you were the new gf. And my impression was that the woman was threatened that her own kids wouldn't get the resources (time, money, attention) from your ex. This is common with "stepmothers."

 

It sounds like she's aware that he's spending so much time with him as some sort of way of maintaining contact, also.

 

I wouldn't care so much about what she thinks. I'd care more about extricating this prick from my life and my kids' lives. Let her deal with his problems.

[RecordProducer]

I wouldn't care so much about what she thinks. I'd care more about extricating this prick from my life and my kids' lives. Let her deal with his problems.

'Zactly! I need a people eraser!

 

I realized today that he's actually holding on to me through my kids, so I'll just do what always works with his games: let him continue having the kids until he gets tired of his own game because it won't work. He wants drama, and I often fall for his tricks and create drama. From now on, he will receive zero attention from me.

 

Interestingly, when we were together, he used to tell me regularly "Get the f*** out of my life!" and I had no place to go, no family, no money, no job. But now he's not letting go of me and he's using the kids. Why doesn't HE get the F out of my life??? He even put pics of us on FB (after he started dating the criminal), pics where we're holding hands and hugging each other (and no pics of her).

 

Just a couple months before he met her, I introduced him to a friend of mine (we came together to my ex's driveway to pick up the kids), and my ex gave my friend the look of death. So, obviously he is not indifferent, and nothing will convince me that he's not doing this thing with the kids just to keep me around, to piss me off, to play games.

 

The reason why I started this thread is because I secretly hope that this scumbag woman will not want my kids around, so I'll get them back. I know one thing though: I've made so many mistakes with my ex by letting him drive me nuts, chasing after him, and the like. I will not talk to him anymore: not email, not text, not answer his calls, not talk to the kids about him. Regardless of whether he's doing something bad or good. I won't even say 'thank you' when he does something nice. Sooner or later he'll notice that he's been extricated from my life.

 

He already did the worst thing to me: took my kids away from me and turned them against me. They're not against me in the adult sense, but they tell me I am this and that, and he and his GF are nice. BTW, this and that could be anything from "why do you keep cosmetics in the fridge?!?!" to "if you shut the f*** up, you would learn something!" (Yes, I would learn something from them!). But it's ok to them that the GF is a twice convicted thief in the last two years.

 

As I started saying, he already did the worst thing to me by brainwashing the kids. There's nothing more he could (legally) do to me. I heard recently in a movie: when you try to conquer people through terror, sooner or later they will have nothing more to lose and they will start fighting back; but if you give them something they need, you can keep them under control because they're afraid you'll take it away from them.

 

In the past, he gave me something I needed: fathered my kids and helped me out when I needed a baby-sitter. So, I stuck around. And now, he thinks I need him because he holds my kids "hostage," but he is really just terrorizing me, because I just want back what belongs to me (my children) and he wants me to respond to the terror by causing drama all the time, but I am not getting anything in return for giving him what he wants (drama). By fighting for my kids, I gain absolutely nothing! So, all I can do is "turn off the video game where I'm dying all the time."

 

Funny thing, everybody on LS "begged" me to NOT let him be with the kids after we split. I kept saying 'well, he's a bad husband but a great daddy.' People told me "he's a bad person, he can't be a good daddy!" They were so right. He made me stay in the area so the kids could go to the same blue ribbon suburban school, so he could be close to them, help me out, etc. I thought I'd made the right decision for them. In addition, I had no money to rent a place in a good school district and I had no money to pay a baby-sitter. I was alone in the US for years (my mother joined me a few months ago) and he used my position to "mop the floor" with me.

 

If I could go back in time, I would've taken more loans and moved far away from him, an hour away would've done it. I even slept with him for two years after we split; I should've cut him off and never talked to him again.

 

I know one thing though: I am cutting him off now. I've had it. If one can let go, one can move forward. (I've had this quote under my posts for a couple years now, but I never implemented the idea).

Edited November 12, 2011 by RecordProducer

[forms]

It's time for you to put your big girl panties on and deal with the situation.

 

1) no contact with him. Don't send him emails. Don't interact with him when he's out in your driveway picking up the kids. Don't talk about him or to him. And stop stalking him on facebook. Get him out of your life.

 

2) Face up to the fact that you have fallen short on the mothering front. Get yourself and your kids in counseling. Your kids are looking for parenting from him that they didn't get from you. That they are disrespecting your says more about your relationship with them than his. That he could turn them away from you also says something about your relationship with them. Most of this problem has very little to do with him, and a lot to do with you.

 

You say he told you to get out of his life but you had no place to go. Do you not have a home for your children, a job, any independent resources? Or did you turn your whole life over to him to run, and then he ran it poorly and you were stuck?

 

It sounds like your kids see you as being weak and dependent and they don't trust you to take care of them, so they are adhering to someone they think is strong and capable. Counseling, counseling, counseling.

 

Focusing on the girlfriend is foolish. You want her to do what you can't; throw your kids out of his life. But she's a red herring. If she succeeded, they'd just find someone else to attach themselves to, maybe another man, maybe a teacher or a group of kids you find unsavory, who knows.

 

The problem isn't that they are attached to him; the problem is they are NOT attached to you. Fix that problem and the others will go away.

 

And frankly I wouldn't worry too much about your kids being pizzed at you. Get the court order AND get the counseling to deal with the fall out and the poor choices you've made that have gotten you into this mess.

[daphne]

I know one thing though: I am cutting him off now. I've had it. If one can let go, one can move forward. (I've had this quote under my posts for a couple years now, but I never implemented the idea).

 

I seriously hope you mean that. You have allowed him to control your life, brain wash your children and make you miserable. He'll always have something to dangle in front of you to keep you under his thumb. You have to exercise integrity and realize that nothing good can come from this. Sounds like he's trying to buy his way back into your life. He doesn't like it that you dont' want him back.

 

Also, I agree with a lot of what forms posted above. You need to stand up for yourself, stop focusing on either of them and get a backbone. You need these toxic people out of your life.

Edited November 12, 2011 by daphne

[forms]

And how old are the kids? If they are 'entering' their teen years, that means 12 or so. Certainly a big difference from a 17 year old. How is it you have no authority over them?

 

Get that court order to keep him away and let them be angry. Put them in counseling to deal with it and your parenting issues. Learn to be a strong parent instead of one who is afraid of her own kids.

[RecordProducer]

1) no contact with him. Don't send him emails. Don't interact with him when he's out in your driveway picking up the kids. Don't talk about him or to him.

I agree and I will strick to the plan. By the way, I never go out when he picks up the kids, but he always comes out when I come to pick up the kids from his house. He even lets his GF sit inside alone and he smokes outside while I am in the driveway - and he has a deck which is a much more pleasant place for smoking.

 

2) Face up to the fact that you have fallen short on the mothering front.

I've been a good mom, please don't say such things without even knowing me. This whole thing started a few months ago, precisely when the GF showed up, and I suspect he started playing this game through the kids because he's afraid I'd turn my back on him and nbot want him anymore since he has someone else (which is true!). So he is trying to keep me in his life by way of having my kids there. So,he knows I have to act and react.

 

You say he told you to get out of his life but you had no place to go. Do you not have a home for your children, a job, any independent resources? Or did you turn your whole life over to him to run, and then he ran it poorly and you were stuck?

I came to the US five years ago - naturally, I had nothing and no one here at that time. He was mentally and emotionally abusive because he could afford it.

 

It sounds like your kids see you as being weak and dependent and they don't trust you to take care of them, so they are adhering to someone they think is strong and capable. Counseling, counseling, counseling.

Well, there's also the fact that they are boys and need a father figure. And he is practically making them choose between me and him by showing them that I should be run over, or at least left out. He used to always tell people on the phone "I am here with my kids" and when I would ask him why he never mentions my name since I am there too, he'd say "You don't matter!" When his uncle died and we were going to the funeral, he told me "You can't get in my car, I don't want people to see you with me!" (By the way, he was hanging out and sleeping with me at the time). I am also forbidden entrance in his home. He does these things just because he's insecure and loves to put me down for no reason. And the kids think they have to treat me badly in order to keep him; after all, mom is not going anywhere, but he may ditch them - just like their father did.

 

Focusing on the girlfriend is foolish. You want her to do what you can't; throw your kids out of his life. But she's a red herring. If she succeeded, they'd just find someone else to attach themselves to, maybe another man, maybe a teacher or a group of kids you find unsavory, who knows.

No, until a few months ago, things were fine. The kids loved to be with me and our relationship was not in any jeopardy. I was also happy they've had him in their lives. He started this thing a few months ago when the GF showed up. Nothing in my behavior changed.

 

And frankly I wouldn't worry too much about your kids being pizzed at you.

Well, I am not you. I can't not worry.

 

Get the court order AND get the counseling to deal with the fall out and the poor choices you've made that have gotten you into this mess.

Regarding the "poor choices," I did what was facially the best for the kids: to be close to their "dad" and to remain in the same school, with the same friends. Just because it turned out to bite me in the ass because my ex decided to play games with me through the kids doesn't make my choices poor. As the quote says, retrospectively, all fools are smart. And it's certainly easy from aside to tell someone they made poor choices.

 

I seriously hope you mean that. You have allowed him to control your life, brain wash your children and make you miserable.

I indeed have allowed him all of that.

 

He'll always have something to dangle in front of you to keep you under his thumb.

And all that's left that he can dangle now is kids-related! Get it? I don't need/want/ask anything from him, not even regarding the kids, but by keeping them in his life, he is keeping me, too.

 

You have to exercise integrity and realize that nothing good can come from this.

That's true.

 

Sounds like he's trying to buy his way back into your life. He doesn't like it that you dont' want him back.

No, he always knew that I wanted him back, even when he started dating the GF. I don't want him anymore, but he doesn't know that. He knows I still have feelings and he's been telling me for a long time he didn't want me. But his actions show he's not indifferent.

You need these toxic people out of your life.

When he realizes that I've cut him off, he'll first tell me that he won't talk to me when I need to ask him something; then he'll tell me I'm being unreasonable and stubborn, and that he's all about cooperation, that we should talk, etc.

 

Daphne, he's so shrewd in his tactics, if you listened to him talk, you'd never think he is the same person who turns 180 the next minute. He'll look at you and promise the sun and the moon, until he gets what he wants from you. He'll apologize to you just to get what he wants and then he'll do the same thing he apologized for. He's such a disgusting person, I don't understand how I was able to love him knowing what I know about him.

[forms]

Your kids would not have 'turned' on you a couple months ago if you had a strong parent/child bond.

 

You exploited this man financially, and then wonder why the relationship didn't work out. I'm sure he's not a nice person, but for two years after breaking up with you you continued to sleep with him hoping to get him back. Your kids are only doing what you taught them to do; they are emulating you. And since you allowed him to mistreat you and demean you, you cannot be surprised your children are doing the same.

 

Coming to the US with no resources and clinging to the first man who would financially provide for you even though he was abusive and mean was a poor choice. And your sons are following your example: attach themselves to the strong one, disrespect the weak one.

 

It's interesting that you are accepting no responsibility for this situation. You will not be able to fix it until you do. If it's true and the boys have only 'abandoned' you the last few months, then the situation isn't too irreparable. Get that court order and put all of you into counseling and learn to live within your means with dignity and self respect.

 

That means no more contact for any of you with that man.

[RecordProducer]

And how old are the kids?

They're 13.

Get that court order to keep him away and let them be angry. Put them in counseling to deal with it

I am not going to break things and then fix them in counseling.

 

Learn to be a strong parent instead of one who is afraid of her own kids.

This is good advice. I'll need to get some literature on this and I'll also look into counseling. Thanks.

[forms]

When he realizes that I've cut him off, he'll first tell me that he won't talk to me when I need to ask him something; then he'll tell me I'm being unreasonable and stubborn, and that he's all about cooperation, that we should talk, etc.

 

Stop 'needing' to 'ask him something'. You are broken up. Figure it out on your own. Time to stand on your own little feet. As long as you 'need to ask him something' you are exposing yourself to his abuse and exploitation. You have no legal ties, no kids together, no reason to interact with him.

 

As long as you play helpless victim who has no choice but to interact with the big bad bully, you will find yourself bullied--and your kids won't respect that.