orbiting Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 (edited) We were together for three years - a very powerful, very earth-shattering (to resort to a cliché term) connection and love that even a description with all the words in the world couldn't do justice. He started giving the impression that his interest was dissipating in the last 6 or so months. We discussed it, he dismissed the thought as being inaccurate because he "knows how he feels and nothing has changed" - still, I felt some kind of shift. He stopped putting forth any effort to communicate feelings of love/affection (even the simple phrases, etc he knew were meaningful to me - they weren't said) and it began to hurt me too deeply that I was the only one who genuinely cared for us. I ended the relationship 5 weeks ago. As we had our final conversation that day and I explained why I was walking away, he said nothing. It was made clear that I loved him/wanted to be with him but that I could not stay because I felt that he no longer reciprocated those feelings. He said essentially nothing in response (no denial, no affirmation). As I said, 5 weeks have since passed. Not a word has been exchanged. As much as it does hurt me, I realise I cannot forgo my usual dependence upon logical reasoning to make sense of the situation -- that is, I understand that if he wanted to be together, he would have said something. He is not "scared/unsure of what to say/hurt because I walked away and thinking that I want nothing to do with him" .. as somehow less painful those thoughts would be, I understand that is not the case. If he loved me, he would have said something that day or during the past 5 weeks. ..I've come to terms with the reality that the one person I have single-handedly loved more genuinely and deeply than anyone else is my life no longer feels that way about me. It's sad and it was hard, but I understood that even 4 days after the break-up. The problem, however, is that something within me has changed. In all of my years, I have never had this much trouble keeping someone out of my thoughts. However unhealthy/childish it may sound, I have lived my entire life being able to switch an "OFF" switch for any given feeling at any given time -- logically reason through the situation; realise it's best to feel another way; hit the 'switch' and feel better in a couple of days at most. It has worked more times that I can count. I may not have felt 100% better immediately, but .. very close. This method has .. absolutely failed me now, from what I can tell. Five weeks and I still think of him as much as the day before. I go about my day, I think of other things, I'm even more productive than usual; I'm polite, I make jokes and I'm my normal self to everyone around me. But I am not. I wake up in the morning from a (however brief) dream of him, I get dressed and I just start .. going through the motions of normal living. I'm so very sorry this is as long and tedious (and my heart goes out to you if you actually managed to read it), but .. please, anyone: tell me what to do. I can't feel like this anymore. Edited November 11, 2011 by orbiting
Steelrain322 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 It's not long and tedious, it's nicely written. You can't really do anything about it except grieve the loss. You have to go strict No Contact ASAP if you want to heal. Some days you'll feel okay, others you might go insane. I'm 8 months after the break up and almost 6 months NC. I hit rock bottom, and had one of the most miserable times of my life. I finally feel like I've climbed out of hell. I still miss her, and sometimes get angry or sad but to look back at how I was not too long ago and how I feel now... tremendous progress. It just takes time.
Steelrain322 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Oh and you'll have to get used to having him in your thoughts. I still think about my ex everyday multiple times a day. Eventually you'll think about him less but you'll have triggers that bring the thought of him back. You just gotta ride it out, what other choice do you have? Unless you want to get back with him then that's an entirely different story.
Mcnulty Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Orbiting, I'm sorry for your situation, must be very hard to not have any answers to his change of feelings. Do you want an explanation? Will you ask him in time, to get some closure?
smokey bear Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I too had the same problem, I was a very mentally strong person. I couldnt cope with it the way i had previous break ups, months later its only now i know to get that back i have to get myself back. Start working on building yourself back up and the strength comes back with that. Love yourself Remember what makes you, you. Also i had to trace back to why i lost my mental strength and why. I think for me i had stop practicing the methods i used to get there, or it was simply a case that there wasnt challenges in my life for a while that kept me exercising that strength. I lost myself, find yourself and you'll find that strength xx
Author orbiting Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 I'm sorry for the late reply, but thank you very much to everyone who responded. It's essentially a month later and neither of us have contacted each other, making for a total of 2 months without a word. And yet I still love him with all my heart. However, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction because I've noticed there are some good days. There are still days when he is all I think about, but there are also days when I wake up and just realise (all over again) that it isn't worth it to feel this way. I'm channelling all of my time and energy into productive tasks and (not to be immodest), but it's incredible how much I've already accomplished in just one month. .. But, my God, how it still hurts.
HappyFlower Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 You write very well Just thought I'd say that. Remember that you were right to walk away from someone who didn't want to or couldn't give you the love you deserve. You may technically be the dumper as you walked away, but it sounds like you were forced to do so. Remember you did what was best for you at the time, because he wasn't. If he stopped loving you, he should have respected you enough to be honest with you about it. Sounds like you feel how us dumpees feel, and thats totally normal too! All you can do is keep going, try not to dwell. Try not to focus on that he hasn't contacted you - its much easier said than done, I went off on one via text the other day at my dumper-ex for not bothering to contact me in 3 months but when he was with me he did make a point of phoning/hanging out with previous exes! Focus instead on your awesome qualities, and that if he's not interested in them anymore its his loss Your strenght will come back and you will think of him less each day, and that by itself is a massive achievement! One other thing - 2 months from a 3 year relationship is not that long. Perhaps he has moved on or perhaps he is sitting thinking about the situation and is not ready to talk yet. You don't know...but it's better that way xx
Mcnulty Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I remember posting on this one, was very similiar to what I was going through...2 months no contact...the contact just suddenly stopped, but now I know it was because she found someone else....just trying to get my head round it all. Yes, it still hurts like hell and I miss her, still love her...always will, but she decided it and there is nothing you or i can do about it...except try to build our strength up and move on..it's very hard some days, I know. It's brick by brick, having faith that time is your friend and you will not always feel like this. My son has helped me so much and I value that bond so much. I hope you all have someone in your life that soothes and helps you in your sad times.
Author orbiting Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 @HappyFlower: Thank you! I'm trying to be as concise/clear as possible in my posts because I really do appreciate the fact that anyone as kind as yourself has taken the time to read and respond to my post. The part of your (very helpful and similarly well-written) post which particularly resonated with me was your mention that "if he stopped loving [me], he should have respected [me] enough to be honest with [me] about it." That, in a phrase, is exactly what I think. Although it can only be expected that the end of any relationship is to be difficult and emotionally straining, I feel the demise of my own has impacted me as much because of the very fact you mentioned. I genuinely could feel that he did not care anymore because all of his actions indicated he had a significant change of heart, even though he never verbally admitted to this. Regardless of how much I loved him, all I would have need to hear was "I don't love you anymore/I don't want to be with you" -- something honest and clear; something that could give me a sense of closure. It still would have been hard to emotionally let go, but it would have been considerably easier than it is now. But then again: in all of the discussions leading to our final one, and in all of the days since, he has had the option of contacting me or doing something that would give me an indication I was mistaken. He, however, has not done so. Clearly, that is reaffirmation enough. Or rather, logically I know that should be enough reaffirmation in it of itself. @Mcnulty: To be honest, I don't exactly have someone in my life who is helping me to get through this (although that is by choice). I'm a fairly private person, and as childish as this may seem, I don't like discussing such personal and less-than-happy things, even with closest friends and family. I'd truly always rather listen and help them with their problems than ever discuss my own. Discussing and dwelling on my problems with others just doesn't have the same therapeutic effect upon me as it does for others, and for that reason I strive to solve them on my own. That said, I'm really glad to hear your son has been helping you cope and emotionally recuperate - that's very sweet. All my best wishes to both of you!
olderwiser Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Sorry for your pain ! Loss of love is one of the most traumatic events that we go through in our lifetimes so don't think this is just you, your not alone. It's suppose to feel like this Like others have said so far just take it one day, one hour or even one minute at a time and get through it.
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