whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 DM, Last I talked to him (weeks ago) he told her about the 5 affairs and she kicked him out. He's back home now, so I guess she's an enabler or doesn't know the whole truth. i don't know but it crushed me again. I don't believe he will cheat again. I feel the thought of losing his kids will straightening him up. And she's probably getting so much attention and affection now. I hate it! LG, No, he's no a prize. I'm finding it hard to pity her right now. I'm disappointed in her for as I am in myself. Allowing this man to do whatever he wants and get what he wants. The thought of him kissing her @ss and me possibly strengthening their marriage by forcing his hand to tell makes me want to puke. Good news is I was doing much better for weeks up until this set back. So I CAN get back to the road of indifference. thanks for all posts! Honestly, since you were doing so well and contact was broken, why not just slip back into NC mode and go on with your life. Forget contacting her, being concerned about their marriage, if she truly knows or not. Focus on your own healing and path to recovery so you can fully get over him and move on with your life. What happens in their marriage now is none of your business nor concern, so don't 'think' about why she's chosen to take him back. For all you know, he LIED to you about telling her about the other affairs.
twinsmom Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Great post, hockeyfan..I wish you had been around while I was trying to extricate myself from my relationship with MM..I was doing a lot of the same things that Lolalou was doing, such as spending countless hours trying to "research" what was going on with MM and his wife. I actually even wasted good money paying for online searches to try and find out where he was and what he was doing. (He simply up and moved 3000 miles away without even telling me). Looking back, I realize how pathetic that was, but I am so far beyond that now. But I think your advice to Lolalou is spot-on..If I had heard those same words in the past, then maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to see the light. I hope that your words benefit someone who might be in the same position I was once in.
Author lolalou Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Yes, I did know he was married. Yes, I did know about his previous affairs. Never pretended to not know or my choice in it. I have referred to myself as an idiot, so yes I will examine why I let myself be 2nd choice from the beginning. I eventually dumped him last year and let him go be with his "precious family":rolleyes: (NC, nothing). He came back, said he was miserable without me, couldnn' move on and wanted to change paths to be with me. He eventually entered individual counseling(at my request) to work through some issues about hurting the kids by leaving. Well, Hockey, he didn't leave and then when I forced his hand again, he became chicken sh_t, again. I feel lied and used this second go around with him. He had no intention on leaving and apparently does love her. As far as judging the wife, think I said I'm disappointed in both of us. I wish we could have seen through his manipulative ways. But he's just that good, apparently. I won't be driving by anymore because I got the answer to the feeling that was gnawing at me all week. She took him back. And that does confirm he didn't tell her he was in love with me then. And no I wouldn't take him back if he knocked on my door. But I certainly don't want him to get what he wants either, being back home. He deserves to be alone and miserable. But the women in his life (including me) have and continue to think and treat him as he's worthy of our love. He's her problem now.
bentnotbroken Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Yes, I did know he was married. Yes, I did know about his previous affairs. Never pretended to not know or my choice in it. I have referred to myself as an idiot, so yes I will examine why I let myself be 2nd choice from the beginning. I eventually dumped him last year and let him go be with his "precious family":rolleyes: (NC, nothing). He came back, said he was miserable without me, couldnn' move on and wanted to change paths to be with me. He eventually entered individual counseling(at my request) to work through some issues about hurting the kids by leaving. Well, Hockey, he didn't leave and then when I forced his hand again, he became chicken sh_t, again. I feel lied and used this second go around with him. He had no intention on leaving and apparently does love her. As far as judging the wife, think I said I'm disappointed in both of us. I wish we could have seen through his manipulative ways. But he's just that good, apparently. And that does confirm he didn't tell her he was in love with me then.I won't be driving by anymore because I got the answer to the feeling that was gnawing at me all week. She took him back. And no I wouldn't take him back if he knocked on my door. But I certainly don't want him to get what he wants either, being back home. He deserves to be alone and miserable. But the women in his life (including me) have and continue to think and treat him as he's worthy of our love. He's her problem now. Really?:confused:How does that confirm anything. You know now what you knew then...not a whole hell of a lot. You know his car was in the drive way and nothing more. The possibilities are endless. He might be there while she is out of town. They might be screwing each other's brains out. She might be using his car because hers is in the car.They might be in the same house with him tied to a bed with a block between his lower legs and her with a hammer in her hands.They might be in the same house and not speaking whatsoever. Point is you are not inside that house and you can come up with any scenerio to make yourself feel better, move on, or like you won something. Whatever floats your boat I susppose.
Author lolalou Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Very true, bent. I don't know but when his car wasn't there beforevand now it is, I assume the worst. But both of their cars were there early in morning, so I assume he was spending night. And with kids involved I'm sure one wouldn't let daddy come home if it weren't for good. Too confusing and hurtful for kids. I'm working on not obsessing. It hurt to see it there. But I'm hopeful that information will help.
Author lolalou Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 And I all meant was if he said he was in love with another woman for 6 yes I doubt he would be allowed back. Others on the board want me to consider he didn't tell the wife everything. This kind of makes it seem that is the case.
Barrsitter Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 (edited) LoL This guy has a 6-year affair with you, you break it off, 1 year later he's back saying he misses you. Boo F'ing Hoo. MM who say...I want to be with you....Our path is golden....I miss you, etc., but then do nothing about it - I got no use for people like this. Edited November 13, 2011 by Barrsitter
spice4life Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Good morning lolalou. The feelings you have about wanting him to be alone and miserable are normal because you're hurting right now. It's still very raw for you. That will pass in time once you focus on your own healing and complete NC will help you. Remember this - NC = no new hurts and that inclues no more drive-bys etc. It will give you the peace you need to finally let go so you can begin to pick up the pieces in your life. There is light at the end of the tunnel with a whole new world out there just waiting for you. And that world includes finding someone who is free and willing to give you the love and respect you deserve.
bentnotbroken Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Very true, bent. I don't know but when his car wasn't there beforevand now it is, I assume the worst. But both of their cars were there early in morning, so I assume he was spending night. And with kids involved I'm sure one wouldn't let daddy come home if it weren't for good. Too confusing and hurtful for kids. I'm working on not obsessing. It hurt to see it there. But I'm hopeful that information will help. Assumptions are not your friend. As for the kids...that would also be an assumption on your part.
bentnotbroken Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 And I all meant was if he said he was in love with another woman for 6 yes I doubt he would be allowed back. Others on the board want me to consider he didn't tell the wife everything. This kind of makes it seem that is the case. You should go over to infidelity and see how many let their CS come so they could do the revenge thing. More common than you think, or hope.
AsiaRenee Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I'm new at this also but I have been where you are. I had to determine if, like other posts have said, if he has had other affairs what makes me "special" where he would leave his wife and kids and as the saying goes (just role reversal) can a whore be turned into a housewife? I went months thinking how can my relationship with him not have any emotional ties. I cared so much and even enough to be considered love. I did the drive bys, the visiting places I knew he would be and the calling or not calling sucked....but what finally pushed me to get over it was when I saw him with another girl who was not his wife and I knew for a fact that he was still married. Maybe I was stupid for thinking he cared about me, and I'm sure he did but it was only when it was convenient for him but the fact of the matter was that I deserved someone who could be with me and only me. You deserve someone who treasures you enough not to share his emotions or sex with anyone else. The healing process is a long terrible thing to go through but put it this way, what do you think you deserve and do you want to share someone with not only his wife but also all of the other women he may be sleeping with?
Ruby_shoes Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Hi Lola The advice you have had here is spot on so there's not much more to add. Spice's advice is brilliant. You will feel better in time, NC will help and the obsessive thoughts and the daydreams etc will eventually fade away if you focus on you. I took up yoga which whilst I am still 'training my brain' to not wonder off of it's own accord to places that hurt, is helping. The meditation side of things I hope will eventually get me more able to control my thoughts. I know a few others here have taken up yoga too (or other exercise classes) to help. This forum will help too, just reading the posts and knowing you're far from alone
rockergirl Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 dont even think a second thought about this man. he was probably like that before he was married and his wife let him get away with it, now he is married and nothing has changed. you will look back at this and laugh. he will do this his whole life. If his wife has children with him, she is the one who will pay for this , he will continue to be a jerk forever. Be glad your rid of him. You have your enitre life ahead of you.
nonamefornow Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Lola A similar thing has happened to me 2 wks ago and I too am finding it difficult NOT thinking about what is going on in their house. It was revealed to his wife (via phone) that he'd had an affair (not by me) but she assumed it was me and left voicemails on my phone, first one to say the next time I heard from her would be via my boss (he & I work together) and the next to say she knew EVERYTHING and I'd no need to ever contact THEM again, if I did she would be straight on the phone to my work. Our affair was intense but very short lived compared to yours. She is 'fine' with things as long as there is no more contact between us. He has kept to his word and has not text me. The only contact we've had has been in work 1/2 times per week where he will say hello, how are you - I give very short replies so as not to instigate any further conversation. That is very hard to get used to, going from multiple daily contact to almost nothing, not being able to laugh and chat freely. So like you, and what is echoed throughout this board, I need to stop thinking of them and what is going on in their life, whether she's totally forgiven or even knows EVERYTHING (I would stake my life on the fact she knows very little), whether he even thinks of me......none of it matters anymore. I need to take care of ME and you need to take care of YOU! Wishing you much luck with your healing x
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