lolalou Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 My 6 yr A ended almost 8 weeks ago. I'm still not where I would like to be in the healing process. I go from not thinking about him for most of the day to the next obsessing over what he's doing/thinking/hating him/missing him, etc. Long story short. He drug his feet for a VERY long time about leaving his M. After reading some posts on this site and others, my story doesn't sound much different or "special" like I had thought. I was his soul mate, love of his life. He was mine too. His excuse was always "can't leave the kids." After many ulitmatums (which never worked) I finally ended it on my own this time last year. He came back 8 weeks later asking if he could change his past and pick me. I let it drag on for a year of back and forth from him Finally I got fed up and lost it. After a night of heavy drinking, I threatened to tell people,(we work together) including his wife. Well, he was so worried I actually would and he told her first and he told her everything (including his previous 4 affairs). Well, needless to say, he dropped me cold. Told me to never speak to me again. He didn't love me and he loved her. I am crushed. I feel like he lied to me. He always told me he loved me and not her. And I believed it, because why would he continually cheat on her if he loved her? Oh well, I know I was an idiot and I got burned. But it's still tough. I know she kicked him out immediately when he told her. Now I'm in the obsessive mode of wanting to drive by his house to see if his car is there and check public records to see if she filed for divorce yet. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Lola
norajane Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Now I'm in the obsessive mode of wanting to drive by his house to see if his car is there and check public records to see if she filed for divorce yet. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Lola Don't give in to the crazy. You'll be happier in the end if you don't. I guess the only advice I would have is to look within yourself and think about why you chose this kind of relationship in the first place. Something within you allowed you to accept a MM in your life instead of waiting for someone who could actually give you a full relationship. Don't focus your thoughts on him and what he is doing or thinking or whatever. Focus on YOU and what in your life led you to this. and then work on changing that about yourself. I'm sure you want to get healthier so you don't let another loser guy like this one into your life.
spice4life Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 First, just stop and take a DEEP breath. Once you have done that and calmed down a bit, realize that he is just a man who was looking for an affair. Then, you called his bluff and he freaked out. I know it hurts right now, but you will get through this. Look at it like any other break up and allow yourself to grieve and then move on. He has chosen to rebuld his marriage and you need to accept that and let go because what is going on in their relationship is no longer relevant to you. The only thing that matters now is your own healing and that is the only thing you should focus on right now.
sad puppy Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Huge red flag that he already had 4 affairs - that tells you just what kind of man he is. Right there, that's it. He's not "rebuilding his marriage", he's going underground until the coast is clear and he will just end up having another affair with someone else in the future. You, my dear, dodged a bullet. Be grateful.
frozensprouts Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 oh dear... this guy says he loves his wife and always has and now she's the one he wants? Piffle! If his definition of "love" is cheating on the object of his "love" not once, nor twice , nor three or four times but FIVE times , then is his "love" really something you would want for yourself anyway? If you are feeling down, look at it this way...you dodged a bullet here...he's probably already using the same recycled sob story with some other lady. Be glad that you had the good sense to get away from him when you did.
Anna101 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Very sorry you are hurting through this. But, let it go. Obviously a lot of us on here have had affairs and can understand how you get there without realising and that good people end up in bad situations, BUT...four times?? *Serial cheating* is a whole different ballgame and even if you got together your ability to trust him would be very very difficult. He may love both of you. It's possible to love someone and treat them not that well, because despite people saying love is an action, the truth is you can still feel what YOU interpret as love and still act in ways that don't quite add up to that. Humans are just tricky that way. But he has chosen her and shown you no concern by dumping you. Love or not, he is not worth the further stress no matter how much you love him. Let it go. It may take a while, but let it go.
Author lolalou Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Thank you for words of wisdom. Yes, in retrospect, the 4previous affairs should have stopped me when he was actively pursuing. It took 2 months for me to give into him. I interpreted that as me being different than the others. He saw something "special" in me to not give up.. I was 24 at the time he was 37 with a very high position in company. Some have said that was another red flag. Again, thanks for your posts. I'm currently in counseling and meet with my church care staff often. I think what hurts is being rejected. In the end, I mean nothing to this man. If he was truly in love with me, we would be together. I think the reason I'm focused on him is, it seems these types of men always get what they want. So if she divorces him, he won't get what he wants either. I probably wouldn't be so spiteful if he didn't leave me cold and refused to answer why he doesn't love me anymore. He said his counselor told him not to answer my questions or have any further discussions about "us".
MissBee Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Thank you for words of wisdom. Yes, in retrospect, the 4previous affairs should have stopped me when he was actively pursuing. It took 2 months for me to give into him. I interpreted that as me being different than the others. He saw something "special" in me to not give up.. I was 24 at the time he was 37 with a very high position in company. Some have said that was another red flag. Again, thanks for your posts. I'm currently in counseling and meet with my church care staff often. I think what hurts is being rejected. In the end, I mean nothing to this man. If he was truly in love with me, we would be together. I think the reason I'm focused on him is, it seems these types of men always get what they want. So if she divorces him, he won't get what he wants either. I probably wouldn't be so spiteful if he didn't leave me cold and refused to answer why he doesn't love me anymore. He said his counselor told him not to answer my questions or have any further discussions about "us". Sorry about what you're going through Lola, but great for you on seeking support. I think relationships, the good and especially the bad, call us to become more aware of ourselves and give us a clue about what we need to work on and really push us to grow. My biggest growth and most positive growth came after a bad breakup. For the longest while I was so focused on him, and what happened to us and deciphering his behavior etc...a loooong time....until I got to the point where I realized it wasn't about him, I needed to learn about me, my role in the relationship, why I ignored certain flags, what was up with ME. Once I began to uncover that, the healing process sped up! It's going to be tough, you're going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions for quite some time, but so long as you're taking the positive steps of focusing on you and realizing the truth about that situation, you'll eventually end up in a better place. Keep posting! I wish you much luck!
Author lolalou Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 Don't give in to the crazy. You'll be happier in the end if you don't. well, I should have really followed this. I drove by his house very early this morning. His car was at home. I'm shocked and crushed all over again. Only 8 weeks after she kicked him out after he confessed his 5 affiars, he's back home?! I was certain after researching and finding that they just refinanced to make their payments significantly lower (like almost $1000) a month and extending their mortgage back to a 30 year (they previously were close to paying it off) was because they were preparing their finances so she could get the house and needed a lower payment... Could it be possible, he's just there as they are working through a divorce (they do have children)? I mean, I'm speechless she would let him back home after kicking him out...
Author lolalou Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 Hi LadyGrey, Thank you for your response. Yes, I have questioned that. I have acted irrationally before and driven by his house to check. Last two times I did were about 5 weeks ago and he wasn't there. When he told me he got kicked out he was staying at his mom's (and cried like a baby to me describing having to tell his kids he wasn't coming home). I'm sure if he did tell her, he probably failed to mention that he was ever "in love with me." I work with my counselor a lot on this. She wants me to just work on accepting that I was used and lied to and that not everyone is trustworthy or has good intentions. I haven't experienced a broken heart or being used before. A lot all at once to heal from. And all from a man I loved and supported for 6 years.
norajane Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Your therapist has the right idea. Focus on making yourself healthier, and he will cease to matter to you. No contact, no checking up on his whereabouts...that kind of stuff will help you heal faster. You have plenty to work through without adding new hurts to it. You'll get through this. Just give yourself some time.
norajane Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 After 5 affairs, I seriously doubt that he knows the truth himself. THIS. Someone who is so practiced at deceiving probably has no idea what his "truth" is. He is one messed up guy and incapable of giving, which is what love is about. It's going to take a long time and a lot of therapy for him to even know who he is and what his life is about at this point.
MissBee Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Don't give in to the crazy. You'll be happier in the end if you don't. well, I should have really followed this. I drove by his house very early this morning. His car was at home. I'm shocked and crushed all over again. Only 8 weeks after she kicked him out after he confessed his 5 affiars, he's back home?! I was certain after researching and finding that they just refinanced to make their payments significantly lower (like almost $1000) a month and extending their mortgage back to a 30 year (they previously were close to paying it off) was because they were preparing their finances so she could get the house and needed a lower payment... Could it be possible, he's just there as they are working through a divorce (they do have children)? I mean, I'm speechless she would let him back home after kicking him out... What does it matter? If she takes him back or not, does it really matter or affect your life? I'm not trying to be mean but just getting you to think about how you're focusing on him and his life in a way that isn't productive. I do understand the feeling though....that feeling of feeling like your life was ruined and you're in pain so you'd be "even" if he was in pain and was kicked out...but if he is not in pain and his wife has taken him back then it feels unfair, like he didn't "pay". But whether or not he has been taken back shouldn't worry you. I don't think you should drive by their house anymore or fret about what his wife is or isn't going to do and how their marriage is going. I think you should dive into your own healing and try to put these people behind you.
despicableME Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 including his previous 4 affairs You knew about these, and still let yourself fall in love with him??? I was his soul mate, love of his life. He was mine too. Are you sure about this, given the way he "dropped you like a bad habit." Forgive my bluntness, but why do people think their affair is so much different than others. Because of double-standards women in affairs ALWAYS get the short end of the stick when it comes to these situations... they're always considered the homewrecker, the psycho who can't let go, the bunny boiler. Men are considered dogs to begin with, so society gives them a free pass... very unfair. By the way, I'm a man, but "I call em' as I see em' mean."
Author lolalou Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 Hi Despicable Me, Yes, he told me in the very beginning about his previous affairs (after I asked him if he had done this before). I fought his relentless pursuit for 2 months, so I stupidly interpreted that as I was "special" at the time. And his story made sense that he didn't love his wife and was on there with for the kids because this was number 5. It wasn't until I became fed up with his reluctance to make a decision, stay married or leave and be with me and the terrible break up that followed- that I realized this man never loved me. We weren't different than any other affair out there. He used me and I meant nothing to him in the end (he told me that he loved her and not me anymore, and refusing to explain why). So no I wasn't "his soul mate, love of his life" like he told me. His wife must be.
spice4life Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 You knew about these, and still let yourself fall in love with him??? Are you sure about this, given the way he "dropped you like a bad habit." Forgive my bluntness, but why do people think their affair is so much different than others. Because of double-standards women in affairs ALWAYS get the short end of the stick when it comes to these situations... they're always considered the homewrecker, the psycho who can't let go, the bunny boiler. Men are considered dogs to begin with, so society gives them a free pass... very unfair. By the way, I'm a man, but "I call em' as I see em' mean." It only matters what others think if you let it matter though. Some situations are different as evidenced by some of the stories here. I look at it this way, everyone is on their own journey and if the situation has taught tem something about who they are, then it's not all that bad. It's not really about how you fall, it's about how you land on your feet.
spice4life Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Hi Despicable Me, Yes, he told me in the very beginning about his previous affairs (after I asked him if he had done this before). I fought his relentless pursuit for 2 months, so I stupidly interpreted that as I was "special" at the time. And his story made sense that he didn't love his wife and was on there with for the kids because this was number 5. It wasn't until I became fed up with his reluctance to make a decision, stay married or leave and be with me and the terrible break up that followed- that I realized this man never loved me. We weren't different than any other affair out there. He used me and I meant nothing to him in the end (he told me that he loved her and not me anymore, and refusing to explain why). So no I wasn't "his soul mate, love of his life" like he told me. His wife must be. Sorry for your pain. All that matters now is what you have learned from this experience. Everyone gets taken for a ride at some point in their life. Now that you have experienced being used like this, you will know how to avoid it in the future. Look at it this way, he is her problem now and not yours anymore. Time will heal the wound and you will move on.
despicableME Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 This guy is a serial cheater, and I can bet he will do this again. I don't know, but someone should really tell his wife how far back his issues go, if she doesn't already know. If she does know, then she's an enabler.
despicableME Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 It only matters what others think if you let it matter though. Its not just what "others" think... or else these terms(homewrecker, psycho b*tch, bunny boiler) would'nt have a common usage. These are ingrained in our society already as terms used to describe unstable people hell-bent on destroying relationships. These labels are commonplace, meaning that not just some people are hip to them, but most if not all people now their meaning.
Author lolalou Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 DM, Last I talked to him (weeks ago) he told her about the 5 affairs and she kicked him out. He's back home now, so I guess she's an enabler or doesn't know the whole truth. i don't know but it crushed me again. I don't believe he will cheat again. I feel the thought of losing his kids will straightening him up. And she's probably getting so much attention and affection now. I hate it! LG, No, he's no a prize. I'm finding it hard to pity her right now. I'm disappointed in her for as I am in myself. Allowing this man to do whatever he wants and get what he wants. The thought of him kissing her @ss and me possibly strengthening their marriage by forcing his hand to tell makes me want to puke. Good news is I was doing much better for weeks up until this set back. So I CAN get back to the road of indifference. thanks for all posts!
spice4life Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 DM, Last I talked to him (weeks ago) he told her about the 5 affairs and she kicked him out. He's back home now, so I guess she's an enabler or doesn't know the whole truth. i don't know but it crushed me again. I don't believe he will cheat again. I feel the thought of losing his kids will straightening him up. And she's probably getting so much attention and affection now. I hate it! LG, No, he's no a prize. I'm finding it hard to pity her right now. I'm disappointed in her for as I am in myself. Allowing this man to do whatever he wants and get what he wants. The thought of him kissing her @ss and me possibly strengthening their marriage by forcing his hand to tell makes me want to puke. Good news is I was doing much better for weeks up until this set back. So I CAN get back to the road of indifference. thanks for all posts! As hard as it is to do right now, you need to quit concerning yourself with what is going on with them. It only keeps you steeped in the toxic fumes of the affair instead of greiving the loss and moving on. He confessed, it's over and time to focus on your own healing. Thinking about him groveling at her feet should only make you see how pathetic he is. He is a five time cheating loser and he has a lot farther to go healing the damage he caused than you do. He has a serious problem that will not be fixed overnight by kissing her a$$. He needs some serious therapy and you dodged a huge bullet. It could be you he is groveling to after cheating on YOU. Think about it for a second. If he left and took up with you, his problems and baggages would have transferred to your relationship. The thought of THAT should make you more nauscious than anything else.
Author lolalou Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 Lady Grey, Would you elaborate a little on talking to the BS? Was it worth it or did it just cause more hurt? I'm not contemplating it although I did mention to him that I would be willing to speak to her if she wanted to hear my side and get the truths. He said he would ask her but I should be prepared as she would have "some words to me." that pissed me off. I told him "that I would have some words back to her as I didn't cheat on her, HE did. And if it wasn't with me it would have been with someone else." He didn't have a response. But ultimately I decided that I didn't want to speak to her. Did she divorce your MM?
Barrsitter Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Lol - 1) Join the LS First OW/OM Club 2) This guy is a loser. Repeat this to yourself ever hour. 3) Forget this guy. 4) Decide to move on. 5) Look in the mirror and tell yourself you were an idiot for getting involved with a MM (it's called accountability) 6) Reinvent yourself. Do new things. Listen to new music. Meet up with new people. Change everything. Decide to move on. That's right....DECIDE. The problem with most posters on this section of LS is that they are letting their emotions run them. Wrong. You run your emotions. You decide what to think about. You decide who not to think about. And YOU decide who is going to have 5 minutes of your precious time.
spice4life Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Its not just what "others" think... or else these terms(homewrecker, psycho b*tch, bunny boiler) would'nt have a common usage. These are ingrained in our society already as terms used to describe unstable people hell-bent on destroying relationships. These labels are commonplace, meaning that not just some people are hip to them, but most if not all people now their meaning. If I didn't know better despicable, it would appear as if you are calling someone in this forum those names. I know that's not the case, but the emphasis on them appears that way. But again, someone who knows who they are, what they want and where the are going, they also know that "good" people make mistakes and learn from them and move n. When someone worries about what others think that means they are looking for happiness to come from the outside. When one looks inside to find their own happiness, words or what others think does not matter. Everyone makes mistakes and they get past it and evolve. If they are constantly worring about what others think, they will remain stuck.
Author lolalou Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Spice, thank you for your posts. I will work very hard on focusing on myself and others worth my love and attention. I'm looking forward to my counseling session this week to discuss these obsessive thoughts. Lady Grey, I will definitely examine motivations to speak to the wife, If i'm being honest now, my motivation to speak to her is definitely not for my healing purposes but more for exposing him fully. But after reading many posts about these situations, the wives more often than not take these dirtbags back and stay married to them. So really it's a waste of my breath and expsoing him wouldn't even matter. Hell, he's already back home. Hasn't been long since the fall out. Barr, I'm new to this site. i will look to join that group. A new beginning does sound refreshing.
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