refried_beans Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 First of all, I've been with my bf for a couple of years now, but from the very beginning his ex has been inappropriate by sending racy pictures, texts, phone calls, etc. What bothers me the most is that his way of dealing with it usually is to ignore her, but this has not stopped her from contacting him. Occasionally he bites the bait and responds, because she will act like something serious that involves him has come up. She desperately tries whatever she can to get him to respond (sympathy, guilt trip). She's left voice-mails sounding distraught and saying it's important and they need to talk, and then she ends up just talking about how she can't move on or something ridiculous. It has always annoyed me how NICE he always was to her, even though she's aware of our relationship and is crossing boundaries. She would even try her best to be wherever he was intended to be (parties, etc)! I have no problem telling people that they are being disrespectful of my relationship and cutting them out of my life, and I just wanted the same in return. I've told him multiple times he needs to be a little rude and tell her to kindly **** OFF, but it took him over a year to do what I asked. I had to push for this even more so after he had a conversation with her as if they were BFF's catching up out of the blue. Most recently, though, he manned up a bit and told her he wants nothing to do with her, but she still somehow finds a way to contact him through his friends instead. Also, she is manipulative and is the type who sleeps with his friends to try to stay close to my BF and stay in the loop. Why won't she go away and how do I get over this nuisance once and for all? Any time I think it's finally behind us something new comes up, and I think I get more annoyed every time. Sometimes I obsess over it and become paranoid, too. I just want it too go away forever, and by "it" I mean his ex. I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I would like to hear stories from others who have been through this and hear how things turned out. P.S. I have already spoken to my boyfriend about this more than enough times, so I don't plan on bringing it up anymore to him which is why I am reaching out to new people about this. Thanks in advance! tl;dr - Boyfriend's ex will not go away, boyfriend took quite some time to stand his ground and tell her to never contact him again, but now she uses his friends to get through to him. I am still dealing with getting over it because incidents reoccur. Advice, similar experiences? How do you not let this kind of thing bother you anymore?
rightfield Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Yeah, she's a nutjob. That has gone on long enough. B/F needs to take care of that once and for all and cut contact in no uncertain terms.
Author refried_beans Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 This woman has some serious issues. I think you will need to bring it up again as she is using HIS friends to get through to him. Why isnt he tellimg them he doesnt want to be bothered with that BS? He has told most of his friends that he doesn't want to hear about her and that if she is going to be around that they need to inform him so he doesn't show up. He would prefer none of his friends were involved with her because he wants to avoid her. He is actually losing friends because of her, but it's not just her fault; some of his "friends" were hooking up with her and trying to keep it from him, and then he either finds out from his ex (who is obviously hoping he will become jealous) or through another friend who actually has his back. It's all so frustrating and somewhat sad.
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 The friends have to stay out of it and not say anything to your bf about her anymore. That's up to him and if they continue to talk about her, then he needs to stop talking and hanging out with them. This girl needs to let go and focus on other things in life. I really hope he is ignoring her now. Maybe he should block her email and phone number too.
Niagara Falls Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 my ex was like this, but i was never in another relationship during the time because she was always inbetween me and anyone i had a chance of dating. she would always reel me back in but i eventually got the balls to tell her off. lets just say that him being a jerk to her will not make her go away. im a nice and usually timid guy but no matter how much of an ******* i was she would always come back. the fact that shes in with his friends is the biggest problem, my friends all hated her because she was a nutcase so that was never an issue. getting this ex away from his friends is something he simply will not be able to do. he cant even get away from it himself. the only way is to completely ignore her and hope it works. the only reason it ended for me was because she found someone else and is now dating him. i havent talked to her in a month! and have no intentions to it. so yea.. get a guy friend to take the bullet or something and date her, otherwise shes not gonna go away very easily
RiverRunning Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 The friends have to stay out of it and not say anything to your bf about her anymore. That's up to him and if they continue to talk about her, then he needs to stop talking and hanging out with them. This girl needs to let go and focus on other things in life. I really hope he is ignoring her now. Maybe he should block her email and phone number too. What whichwayisup said. If he's still finding out this information, he needs to cut off his friends. When she calls, he needs to tell her that if she continues, he will file a restraining order against her. He needs to keep a record of Voicemails/e-mails/whatever and stick to it. He shouldn't respond to her, period. He should probably even change his phone number/e-mail address at this point to cut her out. Put simply, he hasn't done enough to get rid of her. And the fact that you've been doing this for years is a testament to your willpower. I went through something similar for more than a year in my relationship, although his ex was only contacting him on Facebook (I found that out later on). After more than a year of his constant gabbing about her, I told him it was done or he was done. No more talking to her. No more talking about her all of the time. It was her or me and the choice was his. He chose me but I'll say that having that kind of experience from the get-go really colors your impression of your partner. It also puts a heavy dent into your self-esteem when you feel that you have to beg a partner to let go of his past. I don't think your boyfriend will go to bat for you. You say you won't bring this up anymore but clearly you're unhappy with how he's handled it. I don't think Psycho Ex is going anywhere until he firmly and truly puts Psycho Ex in her place once and for all. I think you either need to entertain one last discussion in which you mention all of your boundaries and what you will or won't accept, or it's time for you to go. Don't spend your life being second best.
FitChick Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 How does this crackpot act toward you? Maybe provoke her and then you can get a restraining order against her. If you're with the boyfriend all the time, she wouldn't be able to approach him.
Recommended Posts