cmg1984 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Hi all this is my first thread so here it goes. I am 27 years old and my husband and I are legally separated and going through divorce proceedings. I am and have been having a tough time with this. January 21st he left for good. Turned out he cheated with a stripper none the less. I was willing to work through everything and go for help but he in the end didn't want to. I had been asking for a while to get help and we never did. We were only married a little over three years but I had known him my whole life. There were instances before when I had suspected he was cheating but always believed him when he told me he wasn't. Even when I was messaged by a girl from his work that gave me explicit detail. Anyways, there is a part of me that is so angry and hurt and feels happy that he is gone because for a while I had been depressed with everything going on during the marriage. However, there is a part of me that misses him and its been about 10 months since he left and I find myself crying at times. Just breaking down... When I married him I married for life as we all do. I never thought i would be going through this and i guess I feel a little alone. I talk to my friends but I don't get everything out. He confused me so much after he left because he would come back for his things and tell me he still loved me and was still in love with me and I guess it gave me hope. I ended up moving back in with my parents and found out he literally was seeing a woman a 45 year old woman 2 houses down from me. Another side note, he left me 3 other times before the final goodbye. No warning no nothing. He definitely wasn't the same guy I fell in love with and his attitude changed within the first 2 years we were together. Even around friends he was a completely different person. I just don't get it. I find myself getting angry when I find out when he is with someone new. I started dating and getting back out there 4 months after he left and I am dating someone now who seems like a great guy but I find it hard to trust anyone anymore. How does someone let go? I just want everything over with. I feel like I am stuck in the mud. I don't love him anymore but I do have so much anger and frustration pent up. I just don't know how or when to let go.
2010_Sorry Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Hi cmg, I'm so sorry for the situation that you're in! Losing someone that you expected to spend the rest of your life with is extremely difficult, most especially when they feed you false hope and string you on, confusing things even more! I understand that you state that you don't love him anymore, but I'm getting that you don't WANT to love him anymore. It's perfectly fine if you still do... it's not like a switch that you can flip on and off easily! Be patient with yourself, don't rush your healing and you will come out of this ready for the healthy relationship that you deserve. Nobody can put a timeline on it. Don't forget to keep yourself the priority. Anytime your mind wanders to him, refocus yourself!
fluffyfluff Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Hi all this is my first thread so here it goes. I am 27 years old and my husband and I are legally separated and going through divorce proceedings. I am and have been having a tough time with this. January 21st he left for good. Turned out he cheated with a stripper none the less. I was willing to work through everything and go for help but he in the end didn't want to. I had been asking for a while to get help and we never did. We were only married a little over three years but I had known him my whole life. There were instances before when I had suspected he was cheating but always believed him when he told me he wasn't. Even when I was messaged by a girl from his work that gave me explicit detail. Anyways, there is a part of me that is so angry and hurt and feels happy that he is gone because for a while I had been depressed with everything going on during the marriage. However, there is a part of me that misses him and its been about 10 months since he left and I find myself crying at times. Just breaking down... When I married him I married for life as we all do. I never thought i would be going through this and i guess I feel a little alone. I talk to my friends but I don't get everything out. He confused me so much after he left because he would come back for his things and tell me he still loved me and was still in love with me and I guess it gave me hope. I ended up moving back in with my parents and found out he literally was seeing a woman a 45 year old woman 2 houses down from me. Another side note, he left me 3 other times before the final goodbye. No warning no nothing. He definitely wasn't the same guy I fell in love with and his attitude changed within the first 2 years we were together. Even around friends he was a completely different person. I just don't get it. I find myself getting angry when I find out when he is with someone new. I started dating and getting back out there 4 months after he left and I am dating someone now who seems like a great guy but I find it hard to trust anyone anymore. How does someone let go? I just want everything over with. I feel like I am stuck in the mud. I don't love him anymore but I do have so much anger and frustration pent up. I just don't know how or when to let go. Did you have any children or own the house? I have found that getting counciling and reaching out into the community has done me wonders. Join groups of interested. Birds of feather flock together! As he has messed with your life, you should attempt at making things fair. If you have no kids with the guy it will be easier to move on into another relationship and let go. I dont think revenge is a bad thing as long as its legal, (sorry but making their life as difficult if not more makes me feel better) or my Mum says dont do anything as God will take care of it. Do things what make you feel good )
Lexygirl Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Sorry to hear you are going through this. I always find it helpful to keep in mind the theory of The 5 stages of grief (originally founded by Elisabeth Kubler Ross) It helps you understand what you're feeling and why. The 5 stages of grief aren't always a direct line either.. you tend to go back and forth until you get to the final one eventually called Acceptance. There are many websites about it but here are couple... http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=508nd and http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ Hope this helps. Take care. Lexy
mathompson04 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) cmg1984---what you're going through sounds like exactly what I'm currently going through. I feel for you. It's especially difficult when you feel like you're all alone and you have nobody who will listen. I am there, and I understand the anger you are experiencing. I finally reached out to a counselor who is helping me understand myself, my anger, my depression, and my husband. Understanding what went wrong will help you move on. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP FOR BEING ANGRY---you're grieving your relationship, it's normal. You have a right to be angry, but you also have the ability to move on. You will eventually come to realize that it wasn't meant to be, and you will become less angry as time goes on. Cheaters aren't worth crying over. Please reach out to a minister, a trusted mentor, or a counselor. Most counselors will work on a pay scale that fits your budget. You just have to make some calls. You will come out the other side of this a stronger and wiser person. Good luck. Edited November 14, 2011 by mathompson04
dawgfan Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 (edited) Hi Cmg1984, I'm so sorry to hear of the tough times you're going through right now. I can't imagine how hard it is to recover from a situation like yours...one you never even imagined could happen. Like others have said, speaking with a counselor would probably help, just to get some helpful ways to work through the various emotions you're feeling. There's an article online that talks about recovery from divorce, and the stages you work through....you might find it helpful? Hang in there...you're going to make it...one step at a time! We're here for you!! Edited November 15, 2011 by dawgfan bad link address
nu464 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I am so angry at myself for things I've done at the past. The thing is, I am a good person and I have just made some simple mistakes that any teenager would make. The problem is that I cannot let go and I am beating myself up over it. I think of guys I have been with in the past that are digusting to me now and think of myself as a slut and a disgusting person for letting these guys have MY body, my precious body. Someone help me please?
Author cmg1984 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your responses. I am definitely going to see someone for some help counseling wise. We didn't have a house or children which is one thing that brings me relief. I guess I don't want to love him anymore. My hardest thing now is trusting people because I just don't. The guy I am seeing now tells me he is going out with some friends and in the back of my mind I'm thinking "yeah right... he's probably going to see some woman..." I just don't want to think like that and I definitely need some counseling to work on that. There is no way to work things out between the two of us. I gave him the chance and he said no so that's it for me. Plus, right now I don't want that back in my life because I know I would never be able to trust him again no matter how hard I tried or how many counseling sessions. I just couldn't because I know I deserve better.
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