Stella Sleepwalks Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Hi Guys, I haven't posted in over a year due to the fact I got over my ex and have happily moved onwards and upwards. I'm posting on behalf of a male friend who is not getting over his breakup. Him and his ex were together for three years. They lived together for a solid 18 months, but then broke up at the start of this year and sold the house and moved in with his friends. She broke up with him because he suffered from depression and she couldn't handle his moods. For the first 6 months of the year him and the ex have been friends trying to make it work as a couple. On again and off again. Then in July they ended it for good and have agreed to be good friends. They see each other all the time, he invests a lot of time in their friendship and they see each other socially and he fixes stuff around the house for her and chauffeurs her around when she needs him to. He also has a lot of romantic pictures of her on his Facebook page and has her as a friend on there as well. They are not sleeping together and haven't in about 4-5 months. Last weekend he went out on a date with a girl he had been chatting to for about a month. Apparently they really hit it off and had quite a romantic and passionate night together. He has told me that while it felt great at the time, he woke up feeling like he had cheated on his ex and was overwhelmed with guilt. He called the girl and said he felt terrible for leading her on and it was a shock to him that he felt so upset over his ex, and that he couldn't let go basically. Last night he went out with the ex to the movies as friends, but used it as an opportunity to tell her how he felt. I anticipate that she knew what was coming as she didn't say yes right away. Anyway, they went out and he told her that he still had feelings for her and wanted them to try again. He text me this morning with what se said:- She said that she cares about me a lot and enjoys being in my company, and doesn't want to lose me out of her life, but isn't ready to be in a relationship at the moment, so I'm confused. It was all good things that got said, but nothing definite. He wanted me to interpret what I think she meant, but I am resistant. Does she want him back do you think, or after nearly a year of on again/ off again dating and friend-zoning, is she saying she doesn't want him anymore? I don't want to hurt him by giving him my honest opinion. He sounds optimistic, but I think she's telling him its definitely over. Thoughts???
worldgonewrong Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Nothing ambiguous about what she told your friend: She said that she cares about me a lot and enjoys being in my company, and doesn't want to lose me out of her life, but isn't ready to be in a relationship at the moment, so I'm confused. He shouldn't be confused. She's trying to let him down easily, 's all. The not-so-secret message she's trying to convey is: nice guy but not interested in a relationship. He unfortunately sounds desperate to see something in those words which isn't there.
Trimmer Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) Well, a couple of things. Why do you think he is asking you for your take on this? If you protect him from being hurt by not giving him your honest opinion, is that really what you think he wants? Then, I think it seems pretty clear that she doesn't want him as a romantic relationship, but she is willing to string him along and take whatever he will give her, short of that. The thing is, he will probably do anything, because he is trying to get her back, but she will put up a boundary and only let things go as far as works for her, which will definitely not include any tendency toward rekindling the romantic relationship. "I care about you and I don't want to lose you out of my life, but I don't want to be in a relationship right now..." This is a pretty clear code phrase. Depending on how maniuplative she is, she probably added the "right now" either in a well-intentioned but unfortunate attempt to soften the blow, or as a less well-intentioned lure to keep him strung along. Either way, with him thinking, "ok 'not right now' means 'maybe later'," the result is that he'll turn back flips for her, and she'll take whatever she wants from him that fills her emotional wants and needs, while continuing to enforce the "no romance" boundary. You can't say she didn't warn him, it's just a matter of whether he will allow himself to see it or not. This is where your help could be useful to him. Pop Quiz: In the long run - the big picture - do you think telling him this honestly now will hurt him (a) more or (b) less, than glossing it over under the guise of "not wanting to hurt him". If he doesn't figure it out now, won't he get even more hurt later, down the road, when he eventually comes to the conclusion himself, after investing even more time, energy, and emotion, into a failed endeavor? And what will he think, then, of your "didn't want to hurt you" advice? Will he thank you for trying to protect him? Edited November 10, 2011 by Trimmer
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