Really Freaking Out

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi Guys,

I could really use some support right now as I'm pretty sure anyone who's found themselves to this forum is going through a very similar set of emotions right now...

 

So in keeping with the theme of these previous posts, I'm absolutely heartbroken over the loss of my long term boyfriend who essentially just ran away. We had been together for 2 years and were planning for the future. He just started a new job and in the space of 2 weeks went from saying I was his perfect partner to saying he still loved me but was too dependent on me and needed to know he was ok by himself. He said his feelings for me hadn't changed at all but that he had worried he couldn't be the man I wanted, etc etc. He's strung me along for weeks, not given me a straight story, and basically accepted that it's too late to change anything without fighting for it. He's checked out and seems unable to man up and deal with the issues and that kills me so much. It's been flat out rejection.

 

Now I've held out hope for weeks that he's going through something and might come back with a little bit of space. I think today is the first day it's sunk in that he isn't and I'm absolutely flattened to be honest. It's amazing how much denial can carry you through this. We've cut all contact and he's taken it pretty passively.

 

I am going between depression and panic. I know this is the most common line but I can't imagine a better fit for me. And the worst part is, his stringing me along for so long has completely crushed me and I deep down know there is no chance that I could ever get over that, even if he did come back.

 

Please help, I'm so anxious and don't know how to move on. I've been a mess all day and just want to take him down off this pedestal. I'm so so worried that any man I ever meet in the future will not stack up, either to him or the image I've created in my mind of him.... I feel like I've just lost the love of my life and can't actually be happy without him. In typing this I realize how sad it is but I can't believe I've become so consumed by this. How am I ever going to look forward?!?!?!? I know it's time but in some ways, I'm worried that time will only make him more of a "perfect partner" as I tend to idealize everything.

 

Thanks

[geegirl]

Your hurt is very raw right now. It's understandable that you're fearful that you will always feel this way. And it's normal to idealize him and limit yourself to feeling he is the best that you will ever have.

 

But as your hurt subsides and as you find indifference, you will pull him down from his pedestal. It will not always be this way. You've placed a man that has abandoned you and hung you from a string on a pedestal. When you start to think with your brain and see him for the coward that he is, you will pull him down. Your heart is doing all the thinking now. As you slowly detach, your brain will take over and you will be able to see reality.

 

Unfortunately you have to get through this to get past it. Talk to your friends and family. Lean on them for support. Grieve, cry, scream, yell. Purge those bad feelings. Go for walks. Start exercising. Seek a counsellor if you need to sort your thoughts or have someone to talk to and guide you out of this. Don't be alone. Be around people. Force yourself to do something nice for you. It's going to take time. And what you do with that time is important.

 

Do you have any gut feelings about him seeing someone else? Maybe at the new job?

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi geegirl,

 

Thanks so much for your response, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it right now.

 

I literally haven't stopped crying all day. I'm trying to kick myself into action but just feel so lethargic and down. I know this takes time and the only way out of it is through it. Right now, I can't stop obsessing. It literally feels like I've been punched in the diaphram and just can't catch my breath. All I can think about is, is he regretting it? Does he miss me? When will I be able to see beyond a life with him?

 

It has occurred to me that he's met someone else and I'm actually trying to accept that even if it's not true as it makes things so much more final. I really did completely believe his feelings to be true-that he loved me and was planning to propose, everything he told me. I feel like an idiot for believing him and for investing so much of my happiness in him. If there is somebody else, I don't know how to reconcile how much I love him with how quickly he could walk away.

 

My friends and family have been really supportive and I'm trying to look forwards but it's so hard for me to not think this is all my fault. He's a very sensitive guy with his own emotional baggage and I can't help but think I could have been gentler or have complimented him more, etc. I tried so hard to let him know I adored him though.

 

I just thought I was everything to him. He says he still loves me so much and that I was his soulmate but that he can't go back. How do I deal with this? In some ways, I feel like it would be better to just be told something like "I don't love you" because then I know where I stand. I want my best friend back.

[stunned8165]

Your hurt is very raw right now. It's understandable that you're fearful that you will always feel this way. And it's normal to idealize him and limit yourself to feeling he is the best that you will ever have.

 

But as your hurt subsides and as you find indifference, you will pull him down from his pedestal. It will not always be this way. You've placed a man that has abandoned you and hung you from a string on a pedestal. When you start to think with your brain and see him for the coward that he is, you will pull him down. Your heart is doing all the thinking now. As you slowly detach, your brain will take over and you will be able to see reality.

 

Unfortunately you have to get through this to get past it. Talk to your friends and family. Lean on them for support. Grieve, cry, scream, yell. Purge those bad feelings. Go for walks. Start exercising. Seek a counsellor if you need to sort your thoughts or have someone to talk to and guide you out of this. Don't be alone. Be around people. Force yourself to do something nice for you. It's going to take time. And what you do with that time is important.

 

Do you have any gut feelings about him seeing someone else? Maybe at the new job?

 

 

Listen to G. She has good insite. I too am still having a little bit of a rough time my self. But every day does get better. That feeling of abandonment really hurts along with being kicked to the curb for someone else. (my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/)... My family and friends have helped alot. And everyday I keep pulling her down further and further off that pedistool. And trust me, they will fall off their own pedistoll once reality kicks in and the newness of this romance is over. The grass isn't always greener on the otherside. In our case, it will be better just to get over them because we will never be able to fully trust them again. And besides, from what you say and what I have experienced from my exes actions, they will never admit what they did and always have that resurface no matter where they go in life. That's my thoughts any way.. But hang in there. G girl is right. And if WilsonX chimes in, don't take him personally. He just tells it like it is.. lol

[geegirl]

It took me a week to get out of bed when I was going through my break-up. What you are feeling is normal. If you've just been punched in the gut, give yourself a few days to mourn and if you just want to stay in bed, do that. Sometimes that is your way of giving your body the time it needs to recover from the shock. Just don't stay down for too long. You must get up and function. This is where your friends and family come in.

 

The obsessing is very normal. It's very fresh. You want answers. You're confused. You're in denial. You'll pick and analyze at everything.

 

Whether he is regretting it or not, is not your concern. He made the decision to leave, and abruptly at that which is making me wonder if there is someone else. He may miss you but not enough to come back. You will see life beyond him when you decide you want to see life beyond him. That will come in time as you heal.

 

And maybe his feelings were true. And maybe he was just telling you what you wanted to hear because he was in a relationship with you. My ex said the same things and then said he was not the settling down type of guy. He used to tell me he wants to grow old with me then was truthful at some point in telling me that while he wanted those things with me, he was not cut out for it. That was that. Sometimes people say things that they think you want to hear, feeling it's the right thing to say. Sometimes at that moment in time they truly believe that that is how they feel only to feel differently down the line. Sometimes people are afraid that the R is taking into a deeper level of commitment and they're afraid that they can't comply or make the extra effort, then their expectations and feelings change. I don't know why he just up and left but while he may have said all those things, his actions are speaking much louder.

 

Don't feel like an idiot. You trusted him and you fell in love with him. You are not an idiot for wanting to believe. You hoped that he was trustworthy in his words to you as you were both in an R. If anyone should feel like a douchebag, it's him.

 

People can walk away quickly because most times, they've checked out of the R long before the actual break up. They've ruminated over it, thought about it, wallowed in it long before decision making. When the decision is made, they've probably detached emotionally and ready to move on. We find that hard to comprehend because we're still in the thick of emotions and blindsided by the request to break up. They however, have had it all planned in their head, just waiting for the right time.

 

It is not your fault. If he issues with you, and he loved you and wanted to stay in the R, he would have communicated his problems to you and you both would have worked on compromising and adapting with each other. I would think that a sensitive guy would be more open in expressing his feelings. You and the R should be important enough for him to convey his feelings without having to tuck tail and run because he's unhappy about something. That's too trivial to run.

 

He may love you and think you are his "soulmate", but just not enough to commit to you. Personally, I feel he is saying this to alleviate his guilt. Just words. I know you want your best friend back but at this moment in time, he is not your friend. He is a source of pain. You just have to come to terms that he made a decision to leave you. Forget about details.

Edited November 10, 2011 by geegirl

[OnyxSnowfall]

Veryconfused12345, I'm going through something similar. I don't know how to deal with it either. I keep shuffling through panic, sadness, hope, pride, illness, guilt and... it's really all just mounds and mounds of hurt. I'm actually going to see a counselor today. In any case, I feel for you and I'm so sorry you have to go through it.

 

Without knowing you or him (just going on what you have written here), it sounds like he wasn't honest with you and doesn't deserve your heart. At all. I know it's horrible to try to come to terms with someone who told you all kinds of wonderful things but I think you should focus on what was apparent in his actions.

 

That doesn't mean it's your fault. You probably just wanted to love and to be loved and that's a good thing! You're totally fine and normal for that, it's his loss if he doesn't see the good in it. But some people are just selfish, and or in weak places, and or incapable of caring about others --- truly caring about them. And they really only know how to bring others down.

 

Your best friend wouldn't string you along and then leave you hurt and alone to fare however the hell you may or may not, you know?

 

As hard as it might be, I think you should try to get outside and or spend some time with family members. I thought I was going to drown in my tears two days ago, and I almost broke down again this morning - but I'm actually looking forward to the counseling appt and my grandmother also made plans to get my hair done today. The hair LoL - some psychological thing behind it, but I always change my hair when a relationship ends.

 

I know it'll only make me feel good for about one day and then I'll be back to sobbing and freaking out but, even an hour of feeling better is worth something! Do something that you know will bring you joy once you get beyond the hardest part --- the step to do it.

 

I can't imagine this ever ending, but apparently, it's supposed to. Here's to holding out hope for both of us.

[OnyxSnowfall]

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::doubled sorry.

[Veryconfused12345]

I can't thank everybody enough for all of their kind words and insight here. It's actually very helpful to be told the situation as it stands because I'm sure like all of us, I tend to romanticise things. I've now reached the sucessful point of the evening where I have literally cried myself into exhaustion so it's been a good night so far!

 

I've been thinking on this and realize that my ex seemed to treat this whole situation as in all in or all out type of thing-he was sort of obsessed to the point of not being interested in anything else in his life and the second he had a more defined career track he became resentful. I worry that perhaps there were red flags even before all of this. He just point blank refused to break up with me, wouldn't say the words, and just cried when I pushed him on it saying he didn't know what he was feeling.... You guys are right, perhaps he was good at saying the right things but not emotionally mature enough to stick to them.

 

I would love to get to the point where I just roll my eyes and think, this was a lucky escape. In the meantime, all I can do is think that I've lost someone really special. But you're absolutely right, a best friend wouldn't string me along. I was so relieved I'd met "the one" and could commit to my future with him. Looks like I'm going to have to start again...

[mike588]

Listen to what Geegirl says. I know the feelings your going thru now. My ex. g/f abruptly dumped me 3 months ago and it was a living hell!!

 

I'm finally getting over it and you will to. As time passed you will heal and may even look at the relationship in a different light, I did.We all wish we could take away the horrible pain your going thru but time really is the best medicine.

 

You will get thru this even at this time you may be thinking different,, You are not alone!! There is great advise here, feel free to post when you need.

[Veryconfused12345]

Thanks so much to everyone, I'm so happy to have found this forum, everyone's so supportive!