Von Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Im on my 7th day now of NC with my girlfriend who left me. Im still hurt alot but getting better and taking things day by day, but I want to share my thoughts here, get some advice, and before I do something Stupid. and there is a reason this is longer than it should be.* This whole relationship and breakup has really opened my eyes. Its weird, but ive been through so much before this girl and I really felt like i was with the right girl and was doing the right things. After she left I began to reach out to God for help and it feels like his hand is on my heart. There are still times I feel heartbroken but then I get this warm feeling inside and it goes away for awhile. Thats the only way I can describe it. So instead of me going crazy with grief and loss ive been taking it better than I should. Now before I explain why I have been wanting to break NC, I should explain that on the day she left me, a little after she hung up with me I posted on her FB wall, i posted "I loved her, tried to be the best man I could, and that I prayed for her and her daughters and that it was in Gods hands now". Ive never been this spiritual before. But i think that putting that publicly was probably incredibly emberassing for her, since she liked to keep her relationship info private, and also Id imagine it belittled her. On top of that, I sent her an email that night telling her how I feel about her, explained that i wasnt jealous or insecure when it seemed I was the ONE time it happened (previous day), and that I respected her decision and that I wished we could start over but i wasnt asking. I never begged, never got crazy or mean or lashed out, but I did cry on the phone with her that day for a bit. Anyways, I feel like I left her with a negative impression of me, and thought there is no chance she would come back to me ever with all that. My friends and I think she either left because baby daddy was pressuring her back, I did some things that turned her off, she felt "safe" with me during her pregnancy and fell for me briefly then her post pregnancy emotions went haywire, or that she started to feel she wasnt good enough for me and that I would leave her high and dry and freaked out and ran, or that she wasnt used to someone being so good to her and was used to bad guys and just lost attraction.*Or any combination of those. So I decided I want to write her a letter. So she is left with positive thoughts. I wanted her to know I accepted the breakup. I feel it would give me closure. It says in a nutshell: that she is right and I accept her decision, i want the best for her, that im happy for the decision she made for herself, That my eyes have been opened and I know i have things to work on to be the best man I can, that im still the same attractive funny confident guy but can be better, That it takes a strong person to say but I sincerely apologized for my emotional actions when she left, That I have placed faith in God he will put the right person in my life, whoever it is, And that I know I will be a good husband, father, have a good wife and family and that WILL happen, and that she will always have a place in my heart. Most people have told me not send it. Because it wont do anything. Other than leaving a breadcrumb or could open up a wound. Only one has said she should know Im ok and accepted what she decided. What do you guys think? But heres the thing. This is what I want to share. I accepted my faults and recognized where I went wrong. I committed to working on the small things left I need to do to be the best man I can. And everyone sees it. I have gotten tons of compliments about how far Ive come, how mature I was for admitting I see things left to work on, how I have not much left to do and Im on the cusp of something great. People have told me in the last few days that I have inspired them to work to a better person like me. They can see I have a huge heart that gives and gives. And all of them believe I have come so far that I dont even need to find the girl for me, that she will come to me soon, whether that be my ex or not. I prayed and asked God to put her, whoever she may be, in my path and I have placed my faith in him that he will bring her to me. Everyone sees how far ive come and how much ive changed and they know I will be the best husband and the best father. Its been kinda scary but heartening to know how much good I have within me to give. And people think the next person Im with will be willing to accept me and my huge heart and wont run. Lastly, and this may be answering my own question, but I have figured out that it doesnt matter whether you beg after a breakup, go NC after a breakup, nothing you do will MAKE them come back. The only way is if THEY make that decision. If they love you enough and can figure out themselves they want you back it will happen. Will this girl come back to me? Only God himself knows...
wilsonx Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 You made some good points here and you should trust the people you talked to. There is no right or wrong way to being dumped. The first bad one is always the worst and you learn from there. Here's the thing, you are trying to validate yourself to your ex, there's absolutely no need to. Trust me We are all here are going to preach no contact at whatever costs and theres a reason for it. Every time someone breaks NC, they say to themselves, that was stupid, it accomplished nothing. I have been in this boat on both sides of the breakup, the dumpee part is the worst though. Now, here is something you should do. Write the letter, make it perfect, read it to yourself, read it to a friend (NOT YOUR EX) and then just sit on it for 30 days. Write that day down somewhere, in 30 days come back to the letter and this decision. 2 things are going to happen, in 30 days you are probably not going to want to send it and say wow thats dumb, or you still might be unsure like you are now, mark you calender again for 30 days, and repeat this process, keep doing this to the point where you say to yourself, you dont care anymore and then just burn the letter
Author Von Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Thans for replying wilsonx, i was hoping you would, as I value your insight. And i think if i dont see any other advice that makes as much sense to me, ill do that and wait 30 days and then see, and ive already written it perfectly. Could you elaborate for me on what you mean by validating myself, I want to understand that. I will say, I did send something similar to one ex who ran on me years ago, basically just an email saying I would never forget her and here are some pictures to remember me by, and within a week she came back to me and we were together for another six months before i got dumped again..
wilsonx Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) Thans for replying wilsonx, i was hoping you would, as I value your insight. And i think if i dont see any other advice that makes as much sense to me, ill do that and wait 30 days and then see, and ive already written it perfectly. Could you elaborate for me on what you mean by validating myself, I want to understand that. I will say, I did send something similar to one ex who ran on me years ago, basically just an email saying I would never forget her and here are some pictures to remember me by, and within a week she came back to me and we were together for another six months before i got dumped again.. You are trying to find emotional stability from this letter. You are trying to prove to her that you are a good guy. Hence the need for this letter. You don't need to prove to anyone but yourself your own self worth. I know you are a good guy. I know exactly the situation you went through. At the same time, I do not answer to anyone but myself. If people learn from the lessons that I have learned from and share my knowledge with then great. If not and they discard it, then thats their choice and I do not lose and sleep from it. I know my own worth and that's all that matters. You need to get to this point and that takes time and effort. You are seeking validation from your peers and from us and its perfectly ok that you do so. No one here is going to judge you, I did this, homebrew did this, it hurts but once you get past this point of validation from others and internalize to yourself, you will be stronger then you ever imagined. This in turn is called confidence. One thing I wanted to add is that if this is the 2nd time this has happened to you, you really should do some internal reflection. Why is this happening to me? Whats the correlation/pattern in the people I date that cause this. I can tell you what it is right now, its low self esteem. Water seeks its own level. So stop playing at the bottom of a kiddie pool, raise your water level, build your self esteem, set some boundaries, make yourself the prize, always have goals and ambitions and the drive to achieve them. Doing so will raise your self esteem to levels you have never even have imagined. Edited November 10, 2011 by wilsonx
flitzanu Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 wilson nails it again. that or i was gonna say "no, whatever reason for breaking NC isn't worth it".
Rorschach64 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Only reason to break NC is if you are seeking to totally make yourself feel like crap and confused even further.
Author Von Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Thanks, ive really taken what you guys said to heart. I can see that my normally high confidence, which is probably part of what attracted her to me in the first place, was getting low towards the end of the relationship. And when I acted a little jealous and insecure that just cemented it to her, and I can tell its likely a part of why she left. That past previous relationship, I was a total wuss, very jealous, insecure, needy, and had her on a huge pedastal. Theres your pattern. When i start to fall for a girl I let my guard down. I will say in this last one I didnt have her on as big a pedastal as my own, and I think i was very good to her without being submissive. I know this thinking back. I need to work on maintaining my high confidence and boudaries while still treating a girl right. I need a good balance. Thats a big goal ive set for myself. As far as NC, im still torn but nothing is pushing me to break it. I feel ok staying NC for now. Ive revised the letter to be much shorter but im still sitting on it. I see right now that it is in fact selfish and seeking validation, which is dangerous, and I mean for it to pull on her heart strings and get her to run back. We know that doesnt work. For the time being its all about me
Rorschach64 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Not to really take this off topic much but....I always found it kind of funny that if we like behaving in a manner that is comfortable for us, such as behavior Von mentioned, they run. Then we have to basically alter ourselves to be more...appeasing? Some may say growth, but I dunno it seems like selling out, maybe I am wrong. Anyway, Von I did the same thing that you are thinking about doing, I found it theraputic and was to tell my ex I didn't loathe her. Of course she didn't respond as I knew she wouldn't, it didn't set me back. As far as the dumper coming back due to the NC....I think that just depends on how much worth you had in the dumper's heart, that's all. If they don't come back, well you have your answer.
sayitasitis Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Not to really take this off topic much but....I always found it kind of funny that if we like behaving in a manner that is comfortable for us, such as behavior Von mentioned, they run. Then we have to basically alter ourselves to be more...appeasing? Some may say growth, but I dunno it seems like selling out, maybe I am wrong. Anyway, Von I did the same thing that you are thinking about doing, I found it theraputic and was to tell my ex I didn't loathe her. Of course she didn't respond as I knew she wouldn't, it didn't set me back. As far as the dumper coming back due to the NC....I think that just depends on how much worth you had in the dumper's heart, that's all. If they don't come back, well you have your answer. We always say if he/she doesn't come back, we have the answer. But both sides can be thinking of the same thing and waiting for the other to contact first, right?
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