runwithme Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Just wondering what you guys out there think about splitting bills in new relationships... especially when the two of you are in completely different salary brackets. To give a bit of background, I'm in a relatively new relationship (3 weeks, 6 dates so far) and have (gladly) picked up the tab during the 3 times we ate out. At our last outing, I did my usual move when we were ready to leave and handed the waitress my credit card before she's produced a bill so there's no question that I am paying, and my date doesn't get to see what the bill came to (I think it is a bit tacky to flaunt around picking a bill when it gets up there, as it tends to do after you throw in a couple of bottles of wine at a trendy restaurant). Anyway, this last time she made a serious push for us to split it, and I told her that it wasn't necessary at all. She insisted a couple times more, and it was clear she wasn't just doing it to be polite, but genuinely felt guilty about it. However, our poor waitress was waiting patiently by the table so I quickly paid it, winked and told her 'ok, next time.' We are both in our mid/late-20s, I'm a year older than she is, but we seem to be in very different stages of our lives... She's living at home with her parents, I own my own place... she holds a fairly entry level position without much room for growth. I would guess that she makes around $30-45k/year. I have been quite aggressive in my career, and while she knows what my job is and what I do, I haven't given her any indication as to what I make, all she knows is that I am in finance. I make about 5-6x what she does. I don't want our salaries to become a topic of discussion between us until we're well into a serious relationship... I find all it could possibly do is complicate an otherwise straightforward set of questions: 1) Do we have emotional/intellectual/physical chemistry 2) Will it last So how do I convince her I am completely ok with paying for our little adventures without having the conversation turn towards money? I genuinely like this girl, and I want to make sure she genuinely likes me as well. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated... this is a bit new for me as I had previously been in a long term relationship with someone who was also in the same field as me and earned a comparable wage.
Dust Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Just let pay for some things if she really wants to. If you want to pay for it all just say you like treating her. Every once and while let her pay but you can do the majority if that’s the way you want it mr 200k a year. I know people who make 5 to 6 times what you’re claiming to be making who worry about paying for every thing. So if you want to pay for everything and that makes you happy you just tell her. If she really wants to pay let her and keep saying you’d love it if she let you treat her.
Author runwithme Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Thanks Jane. Maybe you can provide some insight for me on this point, which I forgot to put in my original post (and was the whole reason I posted in the first place!): My concern is that she is worried that if I spend a lot on her then she is in some way 'obligated' in my eyes to put out, or go farther than she would otherwise be comfortable doing. I can tell she isn't the type of girl who moves quickly to the bedroom, which I actually appreciate. Furthermore, I met her randomly at Starbucks (she was reading a book I had read a couple of years back and we struck up a conversation), so it's nice knowing that she doesn't hop to bed with any random stranger she meets! That being said, she did sleep over at my place on the 4th date, but we did not have sex, which is fine by me. Is that a legitimate concern for women though? That if a man is paying for you, that there are unspoken strings attached?
Dust Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Thanks Jane. Maybe you can provide some insight for me on this point, which I forgot to put in my original post (and was the whole reason I posted in the first place!): My concern is that she is worried that if I spend a lot on her then she is in some way 'obligated' in my eyes to put out, or go farther than she would otherwise be comfortable doing. I can tell she isn't the type of girl who moves quickly to the bedroom, which I actually appreciate. Furthermore, I met her randomly at Starbucks (she was reading a book I had read a couple of years back and we struck up a conversation), so it's nice knowing that she doesn't hop to bed with any random stranger she meets! That being said, she did sleep over at my place on the 4th date, but we did not have sex, which is fine by me. Is that a legitimate concern for women though? That if a man is paying for you, that there are unspoken strings attached? Just date a woman who makes a lot of money and voila problem solved. These women usualy let you pick up the check for everything too. More seriously you can't do anything for her issues. You seem to be the one with the issue. Just tell her you like taking care of her. If she has any self esteem she won't just sleep with a man because he bought her dinner and a drink. You can't fix that if she is that type of girl. Don't go crazy on the spending stuff on her if its making her uncomfortable.
Author runwithme Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Man I have been out of the game for a long ass time, feels like a totally different sport now... Met my ex of 6 years in 3rd year university, we finally ended it 2 months ago. Talk about learning how to walk again...
Dust Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Man I have been out of the game for a long ass time, feels like a totally different sport now... Met my ex of 6 years in 3rd year university, we finally ended it 2 months ago. Talk about learning how to walk again... You just forgot how hard it is. It's exciting to though. The old if I get her flowers will she be flattered or feel uncomfortable dilema. you just be you and enjoy her. If she starts feeling threatned by a guy treating her the way you like to treat a girl then thats on her. Now if you start acting all weird about it thats on you.
allina Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 How about letting her take you out for coffee or a movie? She seems to like you and want to treat you as well. I'm sure she appreciates you but it's nice for women to treat the guy too. There is no need to discuss money right now, just let her know that you enjoy her company and taking her out. If she wants to, let her pay for a cheaper date here and there.
FitChick Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 How about letting her take you out for coffee or a movie? She seems to like you and want to treat you as well. I'm sure she appreciates you but it's nice for women to treat the guy too. There is no need to discuss money right now, just let her know that you enjoy her company and taking her out. If she wants to, let her pay for a cheaper date here and there. I agree. I've never been uncomfortable with a man paying for everything. Most men don't even bat an eye. Of course, I always thank them verbally or in other ways -- cooking an elaborate meal for them, giving them a great massage, etc.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I genuinely like this girl, and I want to make sure she genuinely likes me as well. I think you should let her pay sometimes. If you like, you can let her pay at the cheaper places. I think this will put her in a better position to evaluate whether she really likes you, which is important. Though I am more relaxed about money and letting men pay for things now in my 30s, in my 20s I was far more careful about it. I never liked to let the man pay for everything in the early stages, even if he made a lot more money, because... My concern is that she is worried that if I spend a lot on her then she is in some way 'obligated' in my eyes to put out, or go farther than she would otherwise be comfortable doing. Is that a legitimate concern for women though? That if a man is paying for you, that there are unspoken strings attached? ...yes, for me, there was this undercurrent of obligation if I let the guy pay for everything. Not to have sex with him necessarily, but to give him more of a chance because he was making my life easier, and not necessarily because I liked him for him. I had a number of guys approach me in my 20s and come right out and tell me within a few dates that they were well off and would love to take care of me so I'd never have to work and could do what I wanted. They'd offer to take me on trips abroad, take me shopping, to fancy restaurants, whatever I wanted. Though this was all very tempting for a struggling college girl, it never really sat well with me, because I didn't want to marry someone just because he could provide for me. I wanted to make sure we were truly a good match and would be happy together. When I insisted upon paying sometimes, it was because I wanted to maintain the fair balance I felt I needed to make a good decision about the guy.
Ilovewater Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 If she wants to help pay for meals, you can just pay for the more expensive meals, and she can pay for the cheaper meals. Or, you can pay for most of the meals and let her treat you once in a while. There are a lot of ways around this. It's definitely a nice gesture when a guy pays for a meal, but I have never felt obligated to have pay them back in any way. I'm sure when she paid for the meals, she didn't expect you to do anything in return for her.
threebyfate Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Next time this happens and she insists, just tell her she can pay on your next date. Then when the server leaves, ask her what you'll be doing on your next date. This lets her decide where she wants to take you and know upfront that she'll be responsible for the tab. It also locks her down for the next date.
Author runwithme Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I think you should let her pay sometimes. If you like, you can let her pay at the cheaper places. I think this will put her in a better position to evaluate whether she really likes you, which is important. Though I am more relaxed about money and letting men pay for things now in my 30s, in my 20s I was far more careful about it. I never liked to let the man pay for everything in the early stages, even if he made a lot more money, because... ...yes, for me, there was this undercurrent of obligation if I let the guy pay for everything. Not to have sex with him necessarily, but to give him more of a chance because he was making my life easier, and not necessarily because I liked him for him. I had a number of guys approach me in my 20s and come right out and tell me within a few dates that they were well off and would love to take care of me so I'd never have to work and could do what I wanted. They'd offer to take me on trips abroad, take me shopping, to fancy restaurants, whatever I wanted. Though this was all very tempting for a struggling college girl, it never really sat well with me, because I didn't want to marry someone just because he could provide for me. I wanted to make sure we were truly a good match and would be happy together. When I insisted upon paying sometimes, it was because I wanted to maintain the fair balance I felt I needed to make a good decision about the guy. RubySlippers, I can't thank you enough for your post... it takes all the ambiguity out of my situation. I think I was looking at it from the wrong angle and might have been a few steps ahead of where the relationship is at. I thought long and hard about this after reading your post... but I think I pretty much assumed that things would continue with this girl where it left off with my ex in terms of 'relationship stage,' whereas it obviously isn't (and shouldn't be) from her end. Thanks again!
Ruby Slippers Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Met my ex of 6 years in 3rd year university, we finally ended it 2 months ago. Talk about learning how to walk again... I thought long and hard about this after reading your post... but I think I pretty much assumed that things would continue with this girl where it left off with my ex in terms of 'relationship stage,' whereas it obviously isn't (and shouldn't be) from her end. I hope you don't mind me being blunt, but it doesn't sound like you're over her yet -- and how could you possibly be, in just 2 months after 6 years together? However, I also swung from one relationship branch to another all throughout my 20s, so I get it.
The Way I Am Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 My concern is that she is worried that if I spend a lot on her then she is in some way 'obligated' in my eyes to put out, or go farther than she would otherwise be comfortable doing. I feel bad letting guys pay for everything, but an 'obligation' to put out isn't a concern to me at all. I do worry that the guy will think I'm going out with him just for the money or free food. I hear so many men worried about women just using them for those things. I don't want a guy I'm with even entertaining the possibility that that's the reason I'm out with him.
Emilia Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 ... She's living at home with her parents, I own my own place... she holds a fairly entry level position without much room for growth. I would guess that she makes around $30-45k/year. I have been quite aggressive in my career, and while she knows what my job is and what I do, I haven't given her any indication as to what I make, all she knows is that I am in finance. I make about 5-6x what she does. I suppose another question you could ask yourself is whether you are happy to do lower budget things. Maybe she isn't well off because she doesn't care that much for a more upmarket lifestyle. Are you happy with 'slumming it'? I'm speaking from experience as I date much younger men who often don't earn as much as I do. In some things I have very simple tastes so we can compromise when it comes to spending money and their pride remains intact.
RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Sounds like you're hitting up expensive places to dine. And those are fun every once in a while, but I'd definitely feel guilty if I knew a guy was shelling out 100+ dollars on every date we had too. Why don't you open up more of an opportunity for her to pay by going to a cheaper restaurant ($20 - $40)? That will let her even it out a little bit, although I'm glad that you seem very understanding of her financial situation. I've seen men/women on here getting furious about the other person paying, despite acknowledging that the person doesn't have much discretionary income. Clearly she would like to have the opportunity to pay - so give it to her. Suggest a lower-key place for lunch sometime.
SingleinSouth Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 My boyfriend makes way more money than I...pretty much comparable to your pay. I know he owns his home and bmw. I have done a couple of silly things so I feel like the balance of power is not all in his favor. It just makes me feel better. I'm sure it's laughable to him, though. Like, instead of waiting for the waitress, I go to the bar and get our first drinks. I think it kinda annoys him. Sometimes He wants to buy me things and I refuse. He doesn't understand that. We regularly have $100 dinners. So like I said, the only thing I worry about is that I feel "owned". No one is going to own me- I don't care how successful and impressive he is. I DO like him...ALOT....but I still have this one concern with our financial imbalance. So much emphasis these days in dating is on who spends what and the only way it makes sense to me to make it an issue (especially when financial situations differ so drastically) is because no one wants it assumed that they are somehow of a lower status and can be bought without resistance. I don't know if that makes sense but that is what is going on in MY mind while dating him.
zengirl Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Let her pay sometimes, as others have said, particularly at a lower cost place. You sound sweet, and yes, I agree with you that when there's a financial discrepancy, it doesn't make sense to split things equally.
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