Raped ???

[Big Joey]

I was dating a co-worker for several months, and we broke up a month and a half ago. When we originally got together, she had been in a 4 year relationship and cheated on him with me one night. She immediately ended their relationship and we began dating.

 

The weekend before our break-up, she had been out of town, and told me that a friend of hers had tried to get with her, that she turned him down, and he got very angry at her. I said he was scum for getting angry. After this she became very cold to me, and ended up breaking up with me that week. She was very critical of me (she had never criticized me before this), and was critical of the fact that I called the aforementioned guy scum.

 

The week after the break-up, she took back a lot of what she said and began to be flirtatious toward me and started professing her love again. After a couple weeks of this, she got cold again. Things were off and on following this, but we have to interact daily because of work.

 

Two weeks ago, she told me she was trying to work things out with the original boyfriend she cheated on to get with me. Shortly after, because of some work situations, our chemistry started building again to the point where we both had to acknowledge it. She said things were not working out with the original boyfriend, but she didn't know what to do about it out of guilt.

 

***Here is the big revelation***

A week ago she told me that the weekend before we broke up, she had been raped by the guy who hit on her. She said she blacked out that night and believes she was drugged, that she woke up at his house the next morning and he forced himself on her. She said she has no recollection of the night before. She said she told me those other excuses for the break-up were because of pain and denial and that this was the true reason for the break-up.

 

Some things that bothered me right away:

*She had not told me the truth and everything I've been coping with following the break-up has been a mirage.

*She had criticized me 'for no reason', but most of all, she defended her rapist when I called him scum, and that was before I even knew he had done this.

*She refuses to press charges, and has not been checked out medically.

 

I know that people who have been in that situation will do very destructive things in order to cope with what happened. Still, a lot of it doesn't add up to me. I have asked her provocative questions about it without accusing her of lying, and I've been understanding, but I still can't make sense of it. I also asked her if HE KNOWS that he raped her, and she said she doesn't know. !?!?!?

 

We have discussed this a lot since she brought it up and she has been very open and hasn't seemed too upset when discussing it. She had told me when we were still dating that she had been raped by an ex-boyfriend several times when they were still together, so she has dealt with a similar situation before.

 

While we have been discussing this, she has started professing her love for me again, but doesn't want to hurt the original boyfriend. I have not even given her the option of getting back together, I've only been there to talk and yes, I have confirmed my feelings for her and given her advice when asked, but it has not gone beyond that.

 

She also told me she is still facebook friends with the rapist. I let her know this was really disturbing and told her that in a way, that is giving approval to what happened, so she removed him but acted like she was doing it just for my sake.

 

This week she also told our boss and another co-worker that it happened, so it is to some degree out in the open now.

 

I of course really care about this person and on some level would still consider being with her. I know it is the common line around here, but our connection is very strong and it is hard for me to deny it like that. At this point, I've told her that I would consider getting back with her once she gets the right treatment.

 

So right now, I'm dealing with:

1) The idea that she was raped, it ended our relationship, and I can't do anything about it.

2) The idea that she cheated on me, is lying to cover herself, and I can't do anything about it.

 

I honestly don't feel she is outright lying. I believe it is more likely she was 'taken advantage of', however it is hard to know what that even means. I would never accuse a rape victim, especially one I love, of lying, but you have to admit this is a very messy story.

 

I apologize for the length, but if anyone can give me an objective viewpoint it would be very helpful.

[Big Joey]

Hey, this should probably be moved to the break-up section. If someone can move it there that would be better... thanks!

[Dust]

Whether she was raped or not isn’t the issue. Dude this girl is drama whether the rape is real or not. Don’t argue with her about if she was raped or not. If she says she was raped just assume she was raped. There are hot lines and counselors all ready to help her through this if she was.

 

The fact that she still wants to be friends with the guy and acted annoyed like she was only removing him from her facebook list for you is rather odd. Why don’t you trust your gut instincts and stay away. Don’t bring drama into your life by arguing or worrying about if she was raped or not. She’s a big girl and if she was raped she knows what she should do.

[Big Joey]

Very sound advice, good to hear it from someone else.

 

I wouldn't argue with her about the rape, but I have felt the need to call her on certain aspects of it which should be talked about no matter what happened. She has been very open and when I have asked pointed questions, doesn't get offended. I think I'm done with that, though. I've been very sympathetic, because I do truly feel for her, but it isn't a black and white situation.

 

The co-worker situation makes it strange since we can't avoid contact, and any contact between us usually escalates things. I will need to really step back in this situation in order to make it work.

[creighton0123]

You're correct. It is a very messy story. In talking to the small number of rape victims in my life, there is always one common characteristic: their retelling of the events are remarkably consistent and, for the most part, usually with someone they know personally.

 

Be careful with this one, otherwise you might be on the receiving end of a rape story.

[TigerCub]

You're correct. It is a very messy story. In talking to the small number of rape victims in my life, there is always one common characteristic: their retelling of the events are remarkably consistent and, for the most part, usually with someone they know personally.

 

Be careful with this one, otherwise you might be on the receiving end of a rape story.

 

Exactly what I wanted to warn you about OP.

 

The fact that one of her previous boyfriends raped her many times,and she still stayed with him is very concerning.

 

And now this guy raped her and she's still friends with him.

 

At the very least its telling that she maybe feels she deserves it, or feels its ok to be abused in that sense. She needs help.

 

No one is going to debate if she's raped or not. But please be careful because she apparently has no problem being with someone that rapes her and then talking about them and accusing them afterwards.

 

It could be you one day. You may not be thinking that you rape her, but in her mind you could be - and you don't want to one day be labelled a rapist.

[Big Joey]

Sorry for the delay, I couldn't really look at this for a while after I posted it.

 

Now this girl is "totally" back with the original boyfriend she was with, the one she cheated on originally in order to sleep with me, and now I'm out of the picture even though we work together. This came after weeks of her saying how she wasn't happy when she tried reuniting with him, and how she still loved me.

 

I appreciate the advice about her rape allegations. I considered that -- that she could tell someone that I raped her, but that's pretty unlikely unless we have sex in the future (again, very unlikely).

[AHardDaysNight]

She probably wouldn't tell people that you raped her. You hold a secret that she is ashamed of - most rapists play on that shame - so that also explains why she didn't tell you about it, and used it as a means to break up with you over it.

 

Better luck next time, I guess.

[Lauriebell82]

Sounds like she has issues with copdependency and most likely Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (or Rape Trauma Syndrome). She is defending her rapist because she knows him and feels some guilt like she should have been able to stop it or that she felt she deserved it in some aspect. Her actions indicate that she has not dealt with this and is not ready to yet.

 

Date rape is a lot more confusing and "gray" then stranger rape. It's a lot easier to be detached and angry with someone you don't know. It's a whole different story with someone that you do.

 

The best thing you can do for her is let her know that you are there for her (as a FRIEND) and let her work out her own trauma. She is going to continue to play with your head, mainly because her's is so messed up. So until she is ready to get help, a relationship is going to be very "up and down" with her. Be there for her, but move on romantically.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[Big Joey]

Thank you for your post, Laurie.

 

I've been doing a lot of what you said, and for a while we had a decent "friendship" where she was asking me for advice and I would give her positive but realistic advice.

 

I eventually had to tell her somebody else in her life should be giving her advice, though, and that I couldn't tell her more until the situation changed. The next time we talked after this she said she was worried I had stopped caring about our connection and that kind of thing. Later, I questioned why she said this and she just sort of deflected it. During this entire time she told me she was trying to patch things up with her previous ex- and said it "wasn't working", but after all this, they officially got back together.

 

Definitely codependent, but that seems to be the norm these days, sad to say. It is just very hard to write this one off.

[Lauriebell82]

Thank you for your post, Laurie.

 

I've been doing a lot of what you said, and for a while we had a decent "friendship" where she was asking me for advice and I would give her positive but realistic advice.

 

I eventually had to tell her somebody else in her life should be giving her advice, though, and that I couldn't tell her more until the situation changed. The next time we talked after this she said she was worried I had stopped caring about our connection and that kind of thing. Later, I questioned why she said this and she just sort of deflected it. During this entire time she told me she was trying to patch things up with her previous ex- and said it "wasn't working", but after all this, they officially got back together.

 

Definitely codependent, but that seems to be the norm these days, sad to say. It is just very hard to write this one off.

 

If a friendship didn't really work out then it's probably best to cut your losses. I think she needs to work through her own issues before she can really be healthy and stable enough to be in a relationship. Just make sure you aren't setting yourself up to be the "fall back" guy. I pretty much guarantee that when her relationship with her ex boyfirend goes sour she will come knocking at your door.

[Big Joey]

Yeah, in this case there have been many repeating patterns. I think she is looking for "safety" during the holidays. If we're still working together in a couple of months I don't see how it won't end up repeating again.

 

I already told her I'm not willing to be part of some switch-off thing where she goes from the other guy to me again. But I'm also not against getting something going again if she can work through this crap.