The Way I Am Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Tomorrow evening, I have a date with a guy I'm really into. The down side is that his girlfriend of 3 years (long-distance for at least a year) just broke up with him a month ago. We’ve been casual acquaintances for over a year, but I avoided talking to him much since he's cute, exactly my type, and had a girlfriend -- recipe for disaster. Last weekend, I agreed to an invite to join him on an activity with his friends who I also know. I thought it was just a friendly group invite, but it ended up being fairly obvious he was interested in me. Eventually, everyone else left, which gave me the chance to ask about his girlfriend and find out they’re now broken up. We talked for around 5-6 hours. Probably the longest I've ever talked to anyone without any awkward silence. He is a total sweetheart, and I have a lot of respect for the fact that he never hit on me while he had a girlfriend. I know from our conversation that he's still sad about the break-up and not over it yet. I'm not in any rush to get into a relationship with someone that's not ready. I've ruined things in the past because I wasn't ready and didn't want to acknowledge it. I'm not sure he recognizes he’s not ready. So how do the tell a guy I want to be friends until he's had more time to get over the ex without giving him the idea that I'm not interested and trying to blow him off? I know men tend to hear the word "friend" as the kiss of death, so I’ve ruled out that particular verbiage. How else to put it? "Take things slowly"? Is that any better? Thoughts?
USMCHokie Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 This is a tricky situation...I've been on the guy's side of this right after my ex left me some two years ago...almost the same situation...I was friends with her while she had a boyfriend...then they broke up and I dated my ex...a couple weeks after that ended, we went on a vacation as friends and ended up hooking up...we tried dating after that and I realized I couldn't do it...she was really hurt and I felt terrible...we tried to remain friends after that...and after I unf*cked myself a year later, it was too late and I had blown my chance...I know we would have been good together...but she's happily with someone else now. My advice to you...? First of all, DO NOT have sex with him! Second, let him dictate the pace...of course you shouldn't put your life on hold for him, but let him make the moves when he is ready...maybe give an occasional nudge to keep him on the right track...finally, DO NOT become his security blanket. Don't let him talk to you about his ex. He will almost certainly associate you with his ex leaving and therefore a rebound...you want him to see you for you and only you, not someone that makes him feel better when he's sad about his ex. Hope that helps a little.
RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I'd tell him, "I know you had a break-up recently and I'm really sorry that you're going through that. I really enjoy our time together and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. But I think we should take more time to do that and give you a little more time to get everything sorted out." It may take several months, if not years. My boyfriend had broken up his one-year, long-distance relationship with his ex two years before we started going out. In my naivette, I spent more than a year listening to him blab on endlessly about her. I now know it was because he wasn't over her at all. Had I known the warning signs, I would've run in the other direction. Just keep this in mind. Keep your other options open.
Author The Way I Am Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 My advice to you...? First of all, DO NOT have sex with him! That's the plan. I know that could pretty much ruin things. The reminder doesn't hurt though. I'm not even sure it's a good idea to kiss, just because this was his first long term relationship. I'm fine with not sleeping with him -- from what I know of him, I doubt he'd even try this soon -- but if he wanted to kiss me, I doubt I'd have the will-power to turn him down. Don't let him talk to you about his ex. He will almost certainly associate you with his ex leaving and therefore a rebound...you want him to see you for you and only you, not someone that makes him feel better when he's sad about his ex. You just reminded me of the guy I dated for somewhere between 6 months and a year who would randomly bring up how great and perfect his ex was. I had been tossing around in my head whether or not we should talk about this new guy's ex at all, but now that I think about that previous experience, I'm going to go with you and not try to mention her at all. I don't need a repeat. I'd tell him, "I know you had a break-up recently and I'm really sorry that you're going through that. I really enjoy our time together and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. But I think we should take more time to do that and give you a little more time to get everything sorted out." That seems sound. I don't think things will get to the point tomorrow where I need to bring it up. So I think I'm going to not address the subject quite yet, since I don't want the reminder of an ex-gf to be a hindrance to having fun. My boyfriend had broken up his one-year, long-distance relationship with his ex two years before we started going out. In my naivette, I spent more than a year listening to him blab on endlessly about her. I now know it was because he wasn't over her at all. Had I known the warning signs, I would've run in the other direction. Holy bejeebus. That's pretty extreme to be still not over someone for twice as long as they were together. I hadn't really thought about it awhile, but I've been the position before of dating someone who's still crazy about their ex. It really sucks. Luckily this new guy didn't seem to want to talk about his ex. Other than to say that she broke up with him, he only mentioned her once and it wasn't anything more than a casual mention. We spent more time talking about how girly and needy my ex was than his. I didn't get that same sort of feeling of being second best that I did when that my ex from years ago would mention his ex. That's a good sign at least. Thanks for the replies.
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