MammaMia Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Without revealing too much information, I am deeply hurt because H cannot see ( maybe he doesn't want to see ) that a friend of his has insulted me. At some function, this woman asked me to look for my H ( she and another person were looking for H, too) and when I was the one who found him, she took him aside and started whispering to him the latest news about the bimbo my H had an EA with. I was only a few feet away and could hear pretty much everything. I took it very personally. I think it was a calculating, manipulative, humiliating,and disregarding conduct on her part. Since there were two people looking for H already, there was NO reason why she had to ask me, too. H finds excuses for her conduct and this resulted in a big fight. Some time later, I saw this person and I confronted her. I was very discreet, in control , and was not to create a scene. I was simply going to tell her that the conduct was very inappropriate and never to do this again. She cut me off half way through, and told me that she had a message from the bimbo for my H because he is her friend and this woman did not think this was something I wanted to hear. Then she turned her back and walked away. I was in shock. I followed her and made her listen to me. I was in control even then. I told H to defend me to this woman and H thinks that I am overreacting. He thinks that because I did not get the reaction I wanted, it is now HIS fault. Unbelievable..... I made him call this person, but she was not home and he left a message. Not happy about him leaving the message,I'd much rather he had talked to her in person, but I will take anything at this point. At least he took a stand. I wish he had done it on his own without me having to ask, but....... H thinks that because he has had no contact with the bimbo for over a year, because he has deleted all her info for over a year, because he gave up a few recreational events so he cannot see her, that everything is ok and that he has done his part. Yes, but I want him to take my side, even if I am wrong ( I do not think I am in this case, but if you thinks so, please tell me so ) We had been doing great till this incident.This has taken me back and I am withdrawing emotionally. I feel betrayed by H and cannot get past my hurt feelings. I do think that this person intentionally had me look for H and then take him aside so she can "dtick it to me" and the choice of words when she interrupted me was aslo meant to hurt me. The sentence " he is her friend" was especially hurtful. We have issued a restraining order against the bimbo ( this person knows that) so what makes this woman think that H is still her friend????? I think the message she wanted to send to me is that regardless of what I have been doing, trying to separate the bimbo and my H, it is not working because these two can always exchange messages through her because they are still friends and there is nothing I can do about it. This hurts folks....I do not know what hurts more though, this woman's conduct, or my H's......
alexandria35 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Oh wow! your whole post made me angry on your behalf. That woman was way out of line and I can understand why you got upset. However, I think the only person who can put a stop to that kind of behavior is your husband and it doesn't sound like he did. Why is he even listening to messages being sent to him by the OW? He should absolutely should have told the woman that was giving him the message or the news that he is not interested in hearing anything about the OW or from the OW. So many things about this makes me wonder. Why did that creepy woman say that your husband is the OW's friend? Why is the OW sending messages when there has been an RO taken out on her? Why is your husband even listening to messages from her? I don't get it. It all sounds very suspicious to me. I would be livid if I was you but I would mostly be very concerned about your husbands bad attitude and his continued contact with friends of the OW. You don't take an RO out on someone and then continue contact with them through their friends. That is just wrong.
alexandria35 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Did he at least tell you what it was the OW wanted him to know? Or was that their little secret? He and the OW's friend totally disrespected you.
Author MammaMia Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Alexandria: She pulled H aside but not that far and I could hear what she was saying. She told him about the death of one of the bimbo's parents. We were out of town for a long period of time and this was the first time we saw this woman. To be honest with you, I do not know if the bimbo wanted H to know. When the first incident took place she was out of state at her parents' place for the wake. Maybe it was this woman's choice of words ( again) to hurt me. Maybe she was the one who chose to tell H and the bimbo had nothing to do with that. I will give the bimbo this much even though I am not sure. I guess, even the proximity when she was telling H was deliberate: so I can hear bits and pieces. Because if she thought that this was something I did not want to hear, she could have been discreet about it, not shove it in my face. You see what I mean?
Author MammaMia Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Alexandria: One more thing: Before this woman told H about the bimbo, somebody else had told us about the death in the bimbo's family. I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THAT THEN, AND TO THIS DAY I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT. It was part of the conversation, it was done in the open, and I do not think the person who told us first knows about the bimbo and H. This woman knows everything because she is the bimbo's best friend, not to mention she knows about the RO. That's why I say it was to "stick it to me." When talking to H I kept trying to make him see the difference between the two people who told us. He doesn't want to get it. He is smart but he chooses not to want to "see" this.
findingnemo Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Alexandria: One more thing: Before this woman told H about the bimbo, somebody else had told us about the death in the bimbo's family. I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THAT THEN, AND TO THIS DAY I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT. It was part of the conversation, it was done in the open, and I do not think the person who told us first knows about the bimbo and H. This woman knows everything because she is the bimbo's best friend, not to mention she knows about the RO. That's why I say it was to "stick it to me." When talking to H I kept trying to make him see the difference between the two people who told us. He doesn't want to get it. He is smart but he chooses not to want to "see" this. I was going to tell you that I thought the woman was looking out for her friend (the bimbo) when I read the OP. That woman is a disgrace!!! Your H on the other hand seems confused. When you asked him to get rid of the bimbo he did. You didn't ask him to get rid of bimbo's best friend who seems to be your 'friend' as well since you agreed to find your H for her. What you need to realize is that true friends stick together. She probably knows that bimbo is still in love with your H and therefore wants him to comfort her. Another thing that is evident is that she knew about the A while it was going on and must have spent time with them both. This is the reason she feels "free" to pass on a message. You want to stay with your H, right? Don't get mad at him anymore however much he is to blame for even listening. Get mad at her. Ostracize her. She should never think that she can walk up to you and speak to you again. Tell your H that you've thought about it and since he really can't control her, you don't want him considering her a friend again. Protect your M and make her the enemy. She has chosen to put herself in that category so treat her as such. Depending on how close you social group is and what her position is, use your position and voice to make everybody know what kind of a bi*** she is. Enlist all your friends to your side. This will also further deter your H from any future shenanigans. It makes me mad!!!
Summer Breeze Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I'm sorry you're going through this, but why were 3 people all looking for your H? That seems a little ridiculous to me unless there was some emergency he needed to be aware of. That's my first thing. My second is this. Everyone seems to be focusing on placing the lions share of blame on everyone but him. You're telling him you don't like what he's doing and he's being a puzzy about making things right for you. You're included in that. You're still calling ow a bimbo but you've reconciled with the man who betrayed you. I've always said and I still do-there's 1 person responsible for what happened to you. He caused the situation you're in and he's doing jack sh@t to make it betteer for you. He should be making this other person inconsequential for you without you begging for what little he did. I hope he mans up and gets on board with making your life right.
Author MammaMia Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 FindingNemo: You are 100% right. This woman knows everything: every word my H wrote to bimbo, everything my H told the bimbo, everything H did with bimbo. I told him so myself. My exact words were: " she took it upon her to tell you about bimbo because she knows the kind of relationship you had with bimbo." I am sure the three of them spent time together; I have no doubt about it. I do plan to ostracize her; turn my back to her when I see her, to make her understand she is a parasite in my life. She does not realize that if and when she will need my H's help I will tell H NOT to help her ever again. H helped her out through a difficult situation last year; she had no one else to turn to but my H and he did at short notice. She owes him. The bimbo owes him,too. They both owe him big. Sorry, I cannot go into details. This woman is not my friend; I know her through H's social circles. None of these people are my friends; I am sure many had knowledge of what was going on and kept quiet. They had seen interactions between H and the bimbo and opted not to say anything. Despite the fact that both this woman and the bimbo are not highly thought of in those circles, still they kept quiet. Summer Breeze: That is the same question I have asked myself and also asked H as well: why was it so urgent for this woman to have three people looking for him? No clue. Good question but I have no answer. She could have told H anytime, she could have emailed him, called him, whatever. She could have even taken him in the other room to tell him: NO. She HAD to do this in front of me at close proximity for the reason I already stated: to " stick it to me. " I agree with you that H is the ONLY one responsible for this mess and I have told him so many times. HE ALLOWED IT to happen. She could have not been able to do anything without his help ,however hard she might have tried. You are all right and thank you for the responses.
frozensprouts Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 my opinion on this ( and i know this is not the common one on here) is that the other woman ( In your case "the bimbo") IS responsible for how she cooses to act towards you after the affair has ended. Your husband ex-other woman sounds like she is similar to my husband's. After two years she still wouldn't leave him, me or our kids alone, and we had to seek legal help to get her to stop. While my husband is responsible for his actions, i don't feel that he is responsible for hers. I see it like this. If I were to go to her house and harass her, send her harssing emails, harrass her ( and if she had any , her children) in public, that would be on me. Not my husband, and not her. While I could say " she was involved in an affair that hurt me", that wouldn't make me not responsible for my actions. I don't think most ex- "other people" are like that...most are hurt and wating answers, but they aren't going to go out of their way to hurt the spouses or kids of their ex-affair partners. ****rant over:laugh:**** about the woman's behavior...it sounds like your husband has indicated he wants to commit to your marraige. if this is the case, then he should support you here, even if he does not agre with you. if it's something you need to feel better, then he should support that. this woman sounds like the bullies in my kid's school
findingnemo Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 FindingNemo: You are 100% right. This woman knows everything: every word my H wrote to bimbo, everything my H told the bimbo, everything H did with bimbo. I told him so myself. My exact words were: " she took it upon her to tell you about bimbo because she knows the kind of relationship you had with bimbo." I am sure the three of them spent time together; I have no doubt about it. I do plan to ostracize her; turn my back to her when I see her, to make her understand she is a parasite in my life. She does not realize that if and when she will need my H's help I will tell H NOT to help her ever again. H helped her out through a difficult situation last year; she had no one else to turn to but my H and he did at short notice. She owes him. The bimbo owes him,too. They both owe him big. Sorry, I cannot go into details. This woman is not my friend; I know her through H's social circles. None of these people are my friends; I am sure many had knowledge of what was going on and kept quiet. They had seen interactions between H and the bimbo and opted not to say anything. Despite the fact that both this woman and the bimbo are not highly thought of in those circles, still they kept quiet. Wow. This is bullying indeed as FS put it. About his social circle, even when people see something bad happening, they generally tend to mind their own business. If the two women are not liked much in that circle, you can probably find people to get on your side. Yes, it's tedious and childish and silly. But unless your H finds new friends, you may not have a choice but to get more involved with his current ones. Ostracize her as you plan and then take it from there. Summer Breeze: That is the same question I have asked myself and also asked H as well: why was it so urgent for this woman to have three people looking for him? No clue. Good question but I have no answer. She could have told H anytime, she could have emailed him, called him, whatever. She could have even taken him in the other room to tell him: NO. She HAD to do this in front of me at close proximity for the reason I already stated: to " stick it to me. " I agree with you that H is the ONLY one responsible for this mess and I have told him so many times. HE ALLOWED IT to happen. She could have not been able to do anything without his help ,however hard she might have tried. You are all right and thank you for the responses. Response in bold.
Summer Breeze Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 my opinion on this ( and i know this is not the common one on here) is that the other woman ( In your case "the bimbo") IS responsible for how she cooses to act towards you after the affair has ended. Your husband ex-other woman sounds like she is similar to my husband's. After two years she still wouldn't leave him, me or our kids alone, and we had to seek legal help to get her to stop. While my husband is responsible for his actions, i don't feel that he is responsible for hers. I see it like this. If I were to go to her house and harass her, send her harssing emails, harrass her ( and if she had any , her children) in public, that would be on me. Not my husband, and not her. While I could say " she was involved in an affair that hurt me", that wouldn't make me not responsible for my actions. I don't think most ex- "other people" are like that...most are hurt and wating answers, but they aren't going to go out of their way to hurt the spouses or kids of their ex-affair partners. ****rant over:laugh:**** about the woman's behavior...it sounds like your husband has indicated he wants to commit to your marraige. if this is the case, then he should support you here, even if he does not agre with you. if it's something you need to feel better, then he should support that. this woman sounds like the bullies in my kid's school I agree that your Hs xOW was way out of line and if anyone approached my kids I'd have reacted much worse than you did I think. In this case though I don't recall reading where the xOW did anything. I haven't had time to go back and reread it but if memory serves from earlier it appears the OP said that she had no way of knowing if the xOW had anything to do with this third party approaching him. He was told by someone else previously and she was standing there. It's not like the xOW was chasing him around trying to get pity from him. A third party was involved and she was acting like a preteen. The H was letting it happen and not doing what needs to be done to defend the M. He's the enemy of the M if you ask me. As I said before he needs to man up and do the right thing. If he's being forced to then it's a matter of actions speaking louder than words. Sorry but that's my 2p.
Author MammaMia Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 Thanks for your answers everyone. I need to add something else. I was talking to a friend and she told me I overreacted to the Bozo. I was dumbfounded. Here is my new question: did I overreact to what she did and said? I need some opinions here. My friend also told me that it is about time that I need to let go of the A. Nothing would make me happier but when I make a move forward and stupid stuff like the Bozo's conduct happens, it brings me back and I cannot let go. What do you think? Thanks again.
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 The bozo and bimbo aren't the real issue here, it's your husband and him not having your back, not telling bimbo's friend bozo to back off, not telling her to go away and most of all, not standing up for you, being by your side. He is letting this happen. Since bozo knows about the RO against bimbo, she shouldn't be talking to your H about bimbo at all. She's sh..t disturbing on purpose and having fun interferring. She sounds like a gossipy person and not a real friend. All you can do is explain to your husband how it made you feel (disrespected) and why he keeps siding against you, not with you. HE created this mess by cheating on you! And he's not doing a good job right now by how he's handled things. Be pissed at him. don't waste your energy and anger over bozo and bimbo. he is the one who is accountable to you, not them.
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