RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 My partner and I are currently in a bit of a war. Ever since we moved in together, he will comment on every little thing he thinks that I do wrong. If I leave a basket of dirty clothes next to the laundry room, he gets mad. If I leave make-up on the counter, if I leave a light on, if I leave a coat or two or a shirt on the couch, he gets upset and he'll frequently mention it. He usually does this with an irritated voice - it's never just stated matter-of-factly, but with aggravation. My view is that he's nitpicking. His view is that he's mentioning it so I can "improve." He's encouraged me to do the same to him so he can "improve." But I see nothing beneficial about telling him every time he leaves some hair in the drain, or a single pair of dirty socks on the floor, or any other number of minute things that take one second for me to fix. My view is that this is just the reality of living with somebody. You mention the bigger stuff - if they're going to break something, if they're creating half an hour or more of housework for you every day because they're so messy - but all of the things we both do to annoy each other certainly take up less than 2 or 3 minutes of our time every day. It's that minor. For some background on each of us, I grew up with a narcissistic mother. In other words, I couldn't do anything right. If I washed dishes, she would scour each one and gloat about finding one that still had a speck of food on it. She would then complain about how I couldn't wash the dishes/do laundry/any other household chore right, and she "had to do it herself." As an adult, I now realize that this was her way of boosting her self-esteem and feeling important and irreplaceable, albeit at the expense of my self-esteem. In adulthood, my dad joined in on her games and would insult or criticize me. This was a daily event when I lived with them and the attacks could often span hours. Sometimes it was about my looks, my abilities around the house, my choice of friends/boyfriend, lack of religion, job efforts, schooling, etc. If too much time passed where she couldn't brag about my achievements to family (like when I graduated from college and 6 months later still hadn't found a 'career'), she treated me like a complete failure and attacked me. So, I realize I'm sensitive to criticism. When my partner starts complaining about these things which are, in my eyes, very minor, I feel like I'm living at home again with someone I can never please. My partner lived on his own for more than 2 years before I moved in 7 months ago, and I think he had gotten accustomed to the idea of having everything his own way. His upbringing was also not ideal - his dad is a hoarder. I have been in the house and there's literally no where to sit down. There are boxes and boxes of crap stacked to the ceiling. The kitchen is completely flooded with dirty dishes all over the table, sink, counters, etc. I have been in dirty houses before...but really that house has got to be a health concern. My partner spent most of his time alone in his room because, as he put it, "You couldn't go anywhere in the house. You couldn't sit in the living room, eat in the kitchen, nothing." He feels a great deal of anger toward his parents and their living situation to this day, years after he moved out. If the topic comes up, he'll get visibly upset and I'll mention something to distract him. I suspect that for him, seeing ANYTHING lying around the house triggers fears that he's going to wind up trapped in garbage like he had with his parents. His sister is very cleanly, and I suspect some of it has rubbed off on him. The humorous part of this story? Before I moved in, this apartment was a mess. I don't think he had ever cleaned the bathroom or kitchen floors, scoured out the shower wall, anything. I have done all of that. He will leave all of his things scattered over our dining room table, but me leaving a pair of pajama bottoms and a coat on the couch is just too much. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel micromanaged. I am not perfect and I'm never going to be, and I feel these are stupid, minor things that the average Joe might get irritated with, but would never mention and let go instantly. I told him that I can't continue living this way, and that I won't continue living this way, for much longer. I dread when he comes home from work (I work from home) and find myself looking around the apartment to see what he's going to criticize first. I sort of see his stance on "improving" but I feel that neither of us is so bad that it warrants constant reminders about small things. Am I crazy to see it this way?
USMCHokie Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Ah, the topic of "nitpicking"...I feel that whenever one person accuses the other of nitpicking, then one or both of two things is happening: The nitpicker - most likely insecure with a need for control and the feeling of superiority; will belittle others and frequently point out "flaws" or deficiencies to create a false sense of superiority over another. The nitpickee - oftentimes too lazy to un**** themselves and will automatically shift blame to the other party for "nitpicking"; I am generally wary of anyone who accuses another of nitpicking... Just my opinion. I personally wouldn't be able to stand being in your situation, as I am similar to you in that I hate being micromanaged. I think what he's doing goes beyond the realm of improvement.
Author RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I think that's the problem I find myself encountering - I'm thinking, "Am I being unreasonable here? Maybe this really is a big deal and I'm just not seeing it that way." But I keep our apartment clean. I miss some stuff...right now there's a blanket that's not folded on the couch. A wine glass from earlier in the evening on the coffee table. Minor things. I don't ever want to be the person waddling in their own filth who gets defensive over a partner pointing it out. I think there's a point at which you mention something (Have I stopped cleaning the house completely? Are our dishes moldy? Do I leave so many things on the floor that you're often tripping). But I don't feel we've ever crossed that line, and even despite my occasional "leave things around" way of life, this place is still better than it ever was when he lived alone. I do think you are right about a need to be in control or a need for superiority. I did tell him that I feel there's a strong power imbalance in our relationship. I'm a passive person and I've learned more to cast that off. In the past, if I stated that something was bothering me, he would just get aggressive and confront me in return, knowing well that I'd just back down and give up. He's very headstrong and stubborn, and I think it's rolling over into this current behavior. Alas, even when we have discussions about issues like this - I feel like my viewpoint gets snuffed out. When I told him that I was tired of living this way, his response was, "Don't get rash and start looking at the worst case scenario." But how can I not? My reaction to his criticisms isn't the best but it's exhausting. I feel myself getting very resentful and angry toward him, and I'll distance myself from him for a while afterward. He claims this is why he gets so aggravated when he criticizes this stuff - "You don't seem to take it seriously." In the last month I have started working more hours at my job in an attempt to start saving up. I have set a deadline in my head and I intend to leave by that date...about 5 months from now. For a long time I have put up with a TON of crap from this guy...partly because I'm overweight and I've always thought love just involved getting perpetually beaten down. Maybe I'm just a little rash and upset at the moment - but whenever I envision myself in my little run-down apartment without much of a savings and a somewhat bare fridge all by myself, I get all excited. I really think that is where my road is pushing me.
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