Strange date with a married man - don't know what to think!

November 10, 2011

met a guy in the club 2 weeks ago. We totally hit it off; danced, talked all night. He was not sleazy at all and we just kissed on the lips. He told me he is divorced but when I asked about his relationship he said it is complicated and brushed it off He gave me a ride home and gave me his phone no, telling me to call him.

I txted him and we had a date last night. I googled him before the date and found out that he is probably still married! His wife has a pic of them together on FB as her profile pic.

During our date, he was super polite and nice but also very formal at the same time. He was kinda impersonal and not flirtatious; although we talked a lot, it was mostly about intellectual things and not very personal. He did not make any moves on me, did not flirt. Also he kept getting phone calls throughout dinner from his wife and had to apologize himself like 3 times to go out and talk (once he took like 10 minutes)!

When he dropped me off at my place, he parked the car and we had a long conversation. He told me that he is frustrated with his life and needs a change. He is kind of having a midlife crisis (he is 31) and wants to feel young again. he also said that he feels like a dirty old man hanging out with me (I'm 25) although he thinks I am very mature and smart.

He did not kiss me goodnight saying that he was sick and when I left the car, he said we should see eachother this wknd. The topic of the "ex-wife" or wife was never brought up and since we were kinda formal, I felt awkward bringing it up.

I feel so confused now! What does he want from me? Obviously it's not just sex since he did not even make a move!

November 10, 2011

I feel so confused now! What does he want from me? Obviously it's not just sex since he did not even make a move!

Yes... he DOES want sex. He wants to prove to himself that he "still got's it"... the mojo, I mean. He's not gonna f*ck up his game and make a move on the first encounter... WE'RE(men) NOT THAT STUPID. He wants you to want him first, so he can feel that he conquered you. You're falling right into his trap.

November 10, 2011

This is a no brainer here, so I need to ask you why on earth you're even bothering with this guy? Hello, he's married, and lied to you about it.

IGNORE HIM and go on with your life. You've invested nothing with him, a date and that's it. Please don't tell me you love him in such a short time (2 weeks) and want to pursue him still?

He is looking to get laid and if you fall for his 'lines', sorry to say this, but you deserve to get burned NOW that know he IS married.

Self respect. Put yourself first and tell him goodbye.

November 10, 2011

What should you think? You should think he's married, it seems like you are the one doing all the contacting, and regardless of the "chemistry" you feel, he's still entangled in a marriage.

Honestly, if I was on a date with someone and they left the table for 10 minutes to talk to an ex/a gf/a wife..... I wouldn't still be at the table when they returned. That behaviour would tell me all I need to know regarding his priority.

Don't accept anything less than being the first place prize. I'm sorry, but any guy that is accepting calls from his wife/ex-wife while on a date with you is demonstrating he sees you as a second place ribbon.

Why is that okay with you?

November 10, 2011

MLC = The fantasy of reclaimed youth. IMO anyway. That's where you come in.

What are your expectations here?

November 10, 2011

Oh good I see you moved your thread. I'll say the same thing here as I did in the dating section. He wants you as a side piece. He won't leave his wife for you. If you want to get involved with this married man be prepared for heartache and frustration. Or walk away now before you invest more time into this cheater.

November 10, 2011

1) It sounds like he's still married. How did you know those calls were from his wife? Did he tell? Also, you tolerated him leaving the date THREE times to talk on the phone for 10 minutes? If I were on a date, and my date excuses himself to talk on the phone for 10 minutes, I'd be gone by the time he comes back. Why would you tolerate such disrespect?

2) He's 31! He said he wants to feel young again??? That's not even old at all.... At least not old enough to be having mid-life crisis. It sounds like he's not ready for any commitment and is probably just looking for some fun.

3) Why do you feel awkward asking about his "wife"? That's pretty important information if you're on a date...unless you don't care about dating him while he's still married.

This guy sounds like he has a lot of problems. Get out while it's early.

November 10, 2011

UPDATE: So I text him yesterday "How are you stranger? How is ur week going )" and he texted me back telling me that he had a very tough week as he got sick and had to go for a convention somewhere.

He asked me out for Sunday night dinner!!!!! (I'll be out of town for the weekend.) If he was a true player or married he wouldnt really ask me out on a Sunday night right?

This is from your other thread.

Part in bold.. I'm sorry but this is very naive thinking. Married men LIE. What do you think he told his wife while he was out to dinner with you?

Imagine YOU married and your husband going behind your back and doing what this guy is doing...

Again, you need to find your self respect. And again, only knowing him for 2 weeks, you haven't invested much into him so I hope you bail out and find a single man to be with, not some MM who wants a fling on the side.

November 10, 2011

I know those calls are from his wife because when I know the wife's name from the internet and when the call came on his Iphone, the caller was the wife's name. It's not a common name at all! I wonder how he is planning to keep this a secret from his wife for so long.

I mean he goes out clubbing until 5 AM in the morning and then takes me on dates. I wonder if they are really separated or he is planning to separate soon?

November 10, 2011

You participated! That is what wrong with this scenario!

Tell him when he shows you his FINAL divorce papers is when you MAY consider speaking with him.

He's married! That's ALL you needed to know - yet YOU went anyway?

WHY did you go? To use him as a free meal?

And WHY didn't you ask him point blank about his wife calling and the M? Sheez!

November 10, 2011

I know those calls are from his wife because when I know the wife's name from the internet and when the call came on his Iphone, the caller was the wife's name. It's not a common name at all! I wonder how he is planning to keep this a secret from his wife for so long.

I mean he goes out clubbing until 5 AM in the morning and then takes me on dates. I wonder if they are really separated or he is planning to separate soon?

For all you know, he's told her he's working. Or away on a business trip.

What if she's pregnant..Or they have kids. You still wanna chase a married guy for fun and some hot sex?

You sound very young and naive, sorry to be harsh but knowing now FULL well that he's married, why are you choosing to still be with him? What's broken inside of you? Geez, you do not know this man at all, after 2 weeks. Think about that.

November 10, 2011

I wonder how he is planning to keep this a secret from his wife for so long.

Then, you should also wonder how long he's planning to keep the secret from you! He's not telling his wife about you, and he's not telling you about his wife. He's a big liar. If he is "divorced" (according to one of your other threads), why would he pick up calls from his (ex)wife during a date? That'd make no sense.

November 10, 2011

I hope you don't take this as an attack; I don't mean it that way …

but sheesh, woman! It seems that you pick one inappropriate man after another, in quite rapid succession. As far as this one is concerned, just cut your losses and move on with no further involvement! And try to figure out what you would really LIKE in a man and figure out how to go about meeting such a guy. I'm pretty sure that meeting them in the clubs is not working for you, from your several examples so far.

November 10, 2011

He is kind of having a midlife crisis (he is 31) and wants to feel young again. he also said that he feels like a dirty old man hanging out with me (I'm 25) although he thinks I am very mature and smart.

If he's having a midlife crisis at 31, and, if at 31, a 25 year old woman makes him feel like a "dirty old man", he's got some very tough years ahead of him.

November 10, 2011

If he's having a midlife crisis at 31, and, if at 31, a 25 year old woman makes him feel like a "dirty old man", he's got some very tough years ahead of him.

That's the same thing I said... 31. Midlife crisis at 31 smh... . I give it to him though he has his lines down. His words are working already.

Anna, a man that kisses a woman after a night out at the club who has no idea where her lips have been is not a man who's a saint. Those are the same lips he went home and kissed his wife and kids with... RUN!

November 10, 2011

met a guy in the club 2 weeks ago. We totally hit it off; danced, talked all night. He was not sleazy at all and we just kissed on the lips. He told me he is divorced but when I asked about his relationship he said it is complicated and brushed it off He gave me a ride home and gave me his phone no, telling me to call him.

I txted him and we had a date last night. I googled him before the date and found out that he is probably still married! His wife has a pic of them together on FB as her profile pic.

During our date, he was super polite and nice but also very formal at the same time. He was kinda impersonal and not flirtatious; although we talked a lot, it was mostly about intellectual things and not very personal. He did not make any moves on me, did not flirt. Also he kept getting phone calls throughout dinner from his wife and had to apologize himself like 3 times to go out and talk (once he took like 10 minutes)!

When he dropped me off at my place, he parked the car and we had a long conversation. He told me that he is frustrated with his life and needs a change. He is kind of having a midlife crisis (he is 31) and wants to feel young again. he also said that he feels like a dirty old man hanging out with me (I'm 25) although he thinks I am very mature and smart.

He did not kiss me goodnight saying that he was sick and when I left the car, he said we should see eachother this wknd. The topic of the "ex-wife" or wife was never brought up and since we were kinda formal, I felt awkward bringing it up.

I feel so confused now! What does he want from me? Obviously it's not just sex since he did not even make a move!

Hi Anna, to be honest this entire story is strange

1. The question really is...what do YOU want from him? Why did you go on the date even after Googling him and realizing he was married, and as he gets calls from his wife during the date....why didn't you just say you know what forget this? If you were on a date with a single guy and his ex gf or some other woman kept calling him, would you have accepted it also?

2. How can one have a midlife crisis at 31???? I have never heard of that before.....at 31 you are still pretty darn young. He is also playing you about that dirty old man thing...you're 25...not 15 and also if he feels so gross and bad then he should leave you alone, simple! He's pulling a very typical stunt and I think that woe is me act is very unattractive and if he is having a mid-life crisis, you don't need to be in his life. Again...what do YOU want from some married man in a midlife crisis anyway??? You keep wondering what he wants and what he's going to do...that shouldn't be your concern...your concern should be about why you care and what are YOU going to do?

3. His wife was not brought up...yet you already know about her via your own investigation and she was calling him the entire night....what more would you like to have happened? For her to come to dinner and sit with you all as well? I don't think he needed to say anything about her....ALL his actions: talking to her while on a "date", saying he shouldn't be messing with you, saying he has all these issues, being formal etc are pretty much enough for you to put two and two together for yourself. He wouldn't be revealing anything to you that you didn't already figure out.

4. What exactly would you like him to tell you? As he is married, in a "midlife crisis", is not divorced (he's a liar also, both to you and his wife who has no clue he's on a date)....soooo what would you like for him to say to make things "better"? He does not respect you and probably realizes that wow, he can tell you anything and you'll believe and accept it....which you have. In fact, he didn't even have to tell you, you found out for yourself and accepted it!

He's some random dude from a club....you don't know him. All you know about him thus far seems to be bad and HUGE red flags. I suggest you walk away, as you should have from you found out he was still married and had lied. I don't get how someone can be so invested in someone they technically don't know (what is 2 weeks...NOTHING...in terms of knowing someone) and worst yet, someone whom they do not know who displays lots of very questionable and downright ridiculous behavior...it doesn't usually get better after. There is no sense staying around asking people to "explain" his obvious bad behavior....as it isn't confusing at all...he's just a loser. There isn't some magic other explanation that will make it be different than what it appears to be.

Edited November 10, 2011 by MissBee

November 10, 2011

If he's having a midlife crisis at 31, and, if at 31, a 25 year old woman makes him feel like a "dirty old man", he's got some very tough years ahead of him.

Yeah, pretty much.

So what do you want anna? A fling? Something serious? I'm guessing that since you met him at a club it would be the former...uh?

November 10, 2011

Anna, is this a game to you?

November 10, 2011

Ugh. I used to work with a man like this. He preyed upon young women like yourself who were naive and didn't value themselves. He always made sure to let them know right off that he had a SO. He figured that if they were ok with a MM that they were easy. He was pretty successful at it though. He travelled a lot and always had things going with a couple girls at a time. He always bragged about how easy it was.

November 10, 2011

I know those calls are from his wife because when I know the wife's name from the internet and when the call came on his Iphone, the caller was the wife's name. It's not a common name at all! I wonder how he is planning to keep this a secret from his wife for so long.

I mean he goes out clubbing until 5 AM in the morning and then takes me on dates. I wonder if they are really separated or he is planning to separate soon?

Why are you even rationalizing his behavior? He could just wear the pants in the relationship and do WHATEVER HE WANTS!! The married man that I know and that tried screwing me, has a password protection on his cell phone and his wife is fine with it. What woman would be ok with her husband having a password protected phone? That screams "I'm hiding something!!!" He also goes out without her and she allows it even though she knows he is a notorious cheat. She may be irritated that he's going out, but she's not stopping him. She's a mealy mouthed woman that just goes along with everything he does. Sad and pathetic if you ask me.

This dude could have the same sort of wife. I hope you don't continue with this relationship. He won't leave his wife for you. My married guy said "It's cheaper to keep her" and unfortunately that is the mentality of most cheating husbands. Get out while you still have a chance.

November 10, 2011

Look, Anabanana, you are being That Girl. Please take this as a tough love post from someone who has been That Girl. It is not a fun place to be, & you need to change YOURSELF [not these men] so that you can stop this cycle. I've read this thread & your other threads in the Dating section & I agree with those posters who have said you have low self-esteem. You give men whatever they want, you tell yourself you're not too interested in a relationship & just want casual fun, but then you get upset when they disappear/aren't attached to you.

In this particular thread, you jump at this guy's beck & call, you don't speak up for yourself & ask him your doubts about his relationship status even when it's staring you in the face, you sit there while he talks to his wife instead of you when he's on a 'date' with you, & you're spending your valuable time posting about what's up with him rather than realizing he's a lying loser who wants to use you, & you are allowing yourself to be used.

You need to ditch this guy ASAP & stop worrying why he's doing what he's doing or if he is/isn't into you or why, & start focusing on yourself. Don't be afraid to be alone with yourself. Figure out what kind of person you really are- start with being up front & direct -- not being afraid to communicate with someone or ask your date for his marital status instead of sneaking around FB-stalking his wife & not saying a word! Then ask yourself what kind of person you want as a partner. Refuse to date anyone who doesn't meet those standards. Start with honesty & integrity, upfront-ness. This guy is off the list b/c he has none, clearly. Since he doesn't meet your standard, 'NEXT' him-- forget all about him & move on, to what YOU want, rather than wondering what this dumb idiot guy wants w/ you [which is obvious: s-e-x and ego validation, & you want ego validation from him].

I used to be you - you can go back & read my old posts if they help. I invested my time & energy trying to please a man/ men, trying to figure out what he wanted & what he was up to, instead of trying to figure MYSELF out- what I wanted, who I was, who I wanted to be with, why I wasn't going after what I truly wanted & instead wasting my time with losers who weren't good men & who weren't into me the way I deserve. You mentioned in one post that you let some guy live off of you for free for 2 years while he was cheating on you. You are continuing your self-destructive pattern by dating a married man & not figuring out/insisting on your own values & goals in life. If dating a married man isn't on your list of values or goals then please save yourself the time & heartache & move on. Please read the advice everyone here & in the Dating section has been giving you -- stop looking for love from guys who want to use you, stop having casual sex & drinking/partying so much, & spend some one-on-one time with yourself, loving yourself & maybe getting some counseling or doing some good soul-searching & thinking about who you are, who you want to be, & how to get there.

Again this is just my advice based on my own past very bad experiences trying to 'love' guys who didn't love me. Instead of loving myself first.

November 11, 2011

although he thinks I am very mature and smart.

LOL he obviously has a different definition of smart and mature for him to fool you into thinking he was divorced and stringed you along like a cat.

November 12, 2011

I know some poeple on this board will judge me but some more things happened since the first date and the whole situation keeps getting stranger and stranger:

On Thursday he texted me saying that he got tickets for both of us to go clubbing on Saturday and he wants to take me to a movie on Friday. We kept texting eachother whole day. Last night we met up to go see the movie. He was still kind of cold and kept giving off a nervous and restless vibe. The whole date was super formal. He did not flirt or try to make any sort of physical contact except giving me a small peck on the lips at the end. He kept checking his phone (a different number, not the wife) this time and again paid with cash. After the movie, in the car he kept talking about how he is depressed with life and wants to make life changes and does not know what he wants anymore. Tomorrow night we are supposed to go clubbing.

I do not know what to think. I have two theories:

(i) He is a very messed up guy who just wants some companionship and he is not interested in anything physical.

(ii) He is a sociopath and this whole thing is a game to him and his ultimate goal is to sleep with me.

What do you guys think?

November 12, 2011

What is the point of your playing this jacked up game? You're okay with messing with this person no matter what his motivations are? Why is that?

November 12, 2011

What is the point of your playing this jacked up game? You're okay with messing with this person no matter what his motivations are? Why is that?

She likes the attention. I bet he pours on the charm. Am I right, Anna?

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Strange date with a married man - don't know what to think!

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