ContraryMary Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 The moral answer to this question, of course, is no. But I am not looking to pry this guy away from his wife or have either of us change our lives. He is unhappy but does not seem to be heading for divorce. This is fine with me, as I have just gotten out of a long-term relationship and want to remain single for a while. We work together and are planning to hang out soon, outside of work. I'm pretty sure one thing would lead to another if we let it. Neither of us would get hurt because it seems as if both of us are just looking to get laid, even though we do tremendously enjoy each others' personalities. His wife would probably never find out, and neither would people at work since we agreed we want to keep our "friendship" under wraps, to save both our reputations. The only dilemma I have with this is the simple fact that he's married and I feel sorry for his wife if something happens between us. (He says he's never cheated on her before.) Just not sure I feel sorry enough to stay away. True, if the shoe were on the other foot I'd be devastated. What do you do when you want something like this but you only halfway feel bad about it? No rude responses please. Thanks.
Pyrannaste Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 It's up to you to decide, really. You already know the moral answer to your question, you'd feel awful in the wife's position but at least you are positive you won't end up hurting yourself and getting an heartbreak. What do you do when you want something like this but you only halfway feel bad about it? The best option is apply the old rule "don't do to other people what you'd not want other people to do to you". Listen, you know in your heart that it would be wrong. Think twice about it, please. Or thrice. Or a thousand times. What's so special in this guy that makes him unique and you would not find in some other single guy? If it would be really the first times he cheats, then if you stay away from him you are doing him a HUGE favour, helping him not to screw up his marriage and not (hopefully!)feeling like sh*t after cheating on his wife with you. If I were you I'd try to get to know his wife. Not necessarily become friends, just see her in person/talk to her. Then she'd become a real person in your eyes, not just 'background'......it is easier to forget that other people *exist* when you don't see them (very lame philosophy, I know). Then you can decide better, I suppose. Please don't. Really.
moimeme Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Neither of us would get hurt because it seems as if both of us are just looking to get laid, even though we do tremendously enjoy each others' personalities. Have a read through the posts on the 'Infidelity' board. Those are famous words - uttered by men and women the world over prior to relationships that, in fact, ended up hurting VERY much. Fact of the matter is that there are not a lot of people on this planet who can 'just get laid' without eventually investing feelings. That you enjoy each other's personalities is another BIG red flag. You're a few inches from falling in love - and loving a married man is usually recipe for disaster. Don't kid yourself - you're a human like everybody else and you will fall into the exact same trap as millions before you. His wife would probably never find out, and neither would people at work since we agreed we want to keep our "friendship" under wraps, to save both our reputations. You can *never* guarantee that the wife won't find out - or, for that matter, people at work. The strangest little things will happen to give you away. This is another myth people headed for affairs tell themselves. The only dilemma I have with this is the simple fact that he's married and I feel sorry for his wife if something happens between us. True, if the shoe were on the other foot I'd be devastated. What do you do when you want something like this but you only halfway feel bad about it? It's kind of a sad world when people don't really care about harming others. Some fellow female just like you and your friends is madly in love with this jerk, completely unaware that he's planning to step out on her. If he's unhappy, he should develop the cojones to leave and be a man. Discovering infidelity devastates people - would you really be pleased with yourself knowing you caused that pain to a fellow female? I'd look out for karma, if I were you, if you're intent on going ahead with this. But if appealing to human decency won't work, let me reiterate that you will absolutely fall for him, he will not be likely to leave his wife, and you will be one of two women made miserable by this schmoe.
SoleMate Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 There are 1 billion+ single adult males on this planet. I realize some of them are geographically, linguistically, or culturally inaccessible to you. However, I am absolutely certain you have choices other than a married man who works with you. That's two strikes, and in this kind of game, that makes him OUT! Even if you forget the morality (that seems to be your preference), just sheer self interest will steer you towards SINGLE men who do NOT work at the same place you do. What do you do when you want something like this but you only halfway feel bad about it? Some change their minds and do the right thing. Others go right ahead with what they have planned, then come back here and post again when the pieces need picking up. And we give them as much support as we can... Just one thing to remember...this choice about whether to act or not is TOTALLY in your hands. Don't give that choice away, or ever act like it's not yours to make.
ContraryMary Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 I know the choice is mine to make, and I don't really think I'm going to get involved. I don't really know this guy enough to say I've fallen for him, and I think I'm too jaded to fall for anyone right now anyway. Especially a married dude - believe me, I know better than that. This was strictly a physical thing. Besides, my friends would never let me hear the end of it and my family would be mortified. Normally I'm not this apathetic about other peoples' feelings; believe me I can't explain the apathy myself. I've always been a stickler for fidelity and not stepping on other womens' toes. I don't know why the apathy this time. Could be my meds. Thanks for the advice!
moimeme Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 and I don't really think I'm going to get involved Yeah. Nobody ever does. They're always wrong.
Fritz Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Apart from the moral and karmic aspects its just not worth it to get involved with someone you work with (don't dip your pen in company ink, etc.). I doubt its that hard for a woman to just get laid these days with a single guy. There are many things in this world that are worth being apathetic about, say, the whole political party system and elections but not love, romance, and anothers relationship/marriage.
ContraryMary Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Ya know, it's amazing to me - when I wrote a while back about a problem giving me serious grief about an unattached guy, I got like one response and not very quickly. I write about a married guy and everyone wants to jump all over me. I haven't even dated the guy, was merely entertaining the thought. Thinking and doing are two different things, people. Thanks for your advice but I don't need it anymore.
moimeme Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Depends when you post and how busy the board is. Also, people are more likely to leap in to try to help someone avoid disaster if at all possible. Or were you expecting a chorus of 'go for it' ?
ContraryMary Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 No, wasn't expecting the Go For It club. Just a diplomatic and objective viewpoint. Married guys are nothing but trouble for girls like me. Period.
Love2share Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 I'd say go ahead and be with this guy. Just be very sure that you both know what you're getting into. You both need to be on the same page as to what to expect. You will definately have to make some rules so that no one gets hurt. Especially the wife. I actually wish that the wife was able to read what I'm about to say.... It's time people start realizing that infedelity in relationships is absolutely going to happen. Even to!! Just realize that if you plan to get married one day, or be in a serious relationship, your man is going to do the same thing to you. It's not about karma and the circle of life. You could be the most perfect person in the world, and your mate will still cheat on you. Gauranteed !!!! If more people would realize this, then there would be a lot more happy people in this world. Be with the man. But don't hurt the wife. I hope she has someone else in her life that she can cheat on her husband with as well. Then everyone will be happy.
moimeme Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 You could be the most perfect person in the world, and your mate will still cheat on you. Gauranteed !!!! Don't know exactly what planet you're from, but on this one, a percentage of people cheat - not all of them. But, hey, you're welcome to whatever theories you like. There are facts out there, though, for those who are interested, and the facts are that it is absolutely not 'guaranteed' that your mate will cheat.
Love2share Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Give me a break. You should read this forum. Ask anyone, even the person who started this thread, have you ever been cheated on. There is no way you can even say that your mate isn't cheating on you right now. I mean, on this planet, it's not about "not cheating." It's about not getting caught. Only the people with good intentions do it and don't get caught, because they care about the people involved getting hurt. They hide their tracks and stuff. Cheaters don't get caught usually because the mates self esteem is so high, they don't care to research the details of their partners whereabouts and discover the truth. Usually the insecure people discover infidelity because they start snooping or doing some research to discover the truth. In the end, it's all about self-esteem. But that's another topic... So get over it !!!! It will happen, Gauranteed !!!! as long as you live ON THIS PLANET.
moimeme Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 You should read this forum. Um. I have been. For quite a while now. Ask anyone, even the person who started this thread, have you ever been cheated on. There is no way you can even say that your mate isn't cheating on you right now. None of my 'mates' ever cheated on me, nor I on them. Sorry you have such a jaundiced view of life. You see, life tends to meet your expectations, so if you expect men to cheat on you, they likely will. If you expect them to treat you well, you'll be treated well.
Love2share Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 That's very positive. I applaud you for thinking that way. Don't ever change. I used to think like this too....I sort of wish I still could. It's kind of like the story of Adam and Eve: One day I tasted the bad fruit. Then my eyes were opened. And now I see the light. The only people who don't cheat are the ones with mental illnessess, too shy, or something simular. Most people aren't really attracted to these types of people. Most of us want successful, intelligent, and attractive mates. But it's a fact that the more successful, intelligent, and attrative a person is, the more they are desired. And ultimately, the more they can and will cheat. It has nothing to do with their morals or sprituality or anything like that. That's why positive thinking people are easily fooled. Everyone wants a positive thinker because their self esteem is higher. And the cheater can more easily get away with cheating.
moimeme Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 The mistake you are making is that you are taking your personal experience and letting it embitter you. You're also extrapolating from the personal (your own experience) to the general, which is fallacious. You were cheated on; I'm sorry about that. With luck and faith and wisdom, you will find a man you can believe in. They're out there - but you have to be patient in looking.
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