What Red Flags did you ignore?

[mike588]

Ok dumpees what red flags did you ignore before getting dumped? Was it things he/she said or did? lack of sex?,,, did'nt return calls?,,, became distant? ,caught them in lies,,,,other?

 

I'm just as guilty so be honest.

[ffw]

Ok dumpees what red flags did you ignore before getting dumped? Was it things he/she said or did? lack of sex?,,, did'nt return calls?,,, became distant? ,caught them in lies,,,,other?

 

I'm just as guilty so be honest.

 

Hi Mike, How u doing?

 

Well, In the current one there was only one red flag. I saw it coming but somehow manage not to act on it.

 

She was moving to a big city & I knew she was going to meet guys (her type). Since we were doing LDR, she fell out of love & found a new guy. Not much I can do.

 

Anyways, I will tell you a story about red flags, the worst I have been in.

 

1 ) This other girl fell in love with me while she had a BF. The way they come is the same way they go. You know what I mean.

2) She used be a hooker. She told me after we had sex . I still continued crossing my boundaries. Yup, got tested nothing to worry about.

3) Had problems with childhood molestation, father beating, parties, you name it, etc...

 

 

Well, we all learn from our mistakes..

 

Cheers.

[mike588]

Hi Mike, How u doing?

 

Well, In the current one there was only one red flag. I saw it coming but somehow manage not to act on it.

 

She was moving to a big city & I knew she was going to meet guys (her type). Since we were doing LDR, she fell out of love & found a new guy. Not much I can do.

 

Anyways, I will tell you a story about red flags, the worst I have been in.

 

1 ) This other girl fell in love with me while she had a BF. The way they come is the same way they go. You know what I mean.

2) She used be a hooker. She told me after we had sex . I still continued crossing my boundaries. Yup, got tested nothing to worry about.

3) Had problems with childhood molestation, father beating, parties, you name it, etc...

 

 

Well, we all learn from our mistakes..

 

Cheers.

 

Doing MUCH better thanx,,, that's funny, a hooker, yea lucky you didn't catch anything.

[ffw]

Doing MUCH better thanx,,, that's funny, a hooker, yea lucky you didn't catch anything.

 

Atleast, she was awesome in the bed. Thanks to her experience .

[ls32ssibm]

1. Sex seemed like a chore for her most of the time

 

2. She had recently got out of a 3 year relationship when I asked her out

 

3. She rarely said she loved me and always said it when I initiated it

[Moth]

1) father cheated on mother (family issues)

2) bad childhood, molestation (sad that this is a recurring red flag in threads, I guess the main red flag is not being at pea e with one's childhood that leads to issues in the future

3) did not want to change last name when we get married (disrespectful)

4) best friend was a dude (a little to close for comfort)

5) said that she would give me extra money so that she could get the engagement ring that she wanted (disrespectful, especially since I was never cheap, was about to drop over 18 grand on a ring, not sure what her logic was)

6) stopped listening to me (waited for her parents to tell her the same thing then listened)

7) lived with her parents whole life and she is 30 (don't think she ever grew up)

 

There is more, how was I so blind. Guess love blind to people who care.

[MIK1000]

Just before she went away to the states for the 4 months in this summer (the trip on which she dumped me and started with another guy while there) I went away with her and her family for a few days to stay in a nice cottage in the country side. It was raining the whole of the few days so we were mostly indoors but we didn't really spend any time alone together, instead we were hanging out with her mum and dad, her baby nephew and her bro and sister and law. This wasn't unusual because she was always very family orientated and loved doing things with them like playing bored games but I preferred spending a bit of quality time alone together.

 

One evening, it stopped raining and became nice outside so me and her went for a nice walk along by a near by river. We were having fun, laughing and just acting like a couple in love. Then we found a nice spot at the top of the hill, with a bench overlooking the whole countryside, you really couldn't pick a more picturesque, romantic setting. I wanted to sit there all night with a girl i loved but after ten minutes or so she started complaining, wanting to go back and sit with her family and play bored games rather than enjoy this time as a couple.

 

It hurt me and made me feel like she maybe didn't love me as an individual but more loved having a boy friend to hang around with her family, like we were a grown up married couple.

 

I still never in a million years dreamed she could go away to the states and screw me over so badly though.

[D-Lish]

My red flag was glaringly evident in the first month of our relationship. He told me I was "perfect".... Might seem innocuous and even "awesome" to hear someone think that of you... But it's not a good thing to hear after dating for a month.

 

Inevitably, you will fail at something, and ruin the perception they have built in their head about you. When someone puts you on a pedestal, you can't help but disappoint them.

 

Sure enough, the moment he began to recognize some of my short comings, he began to distance himself from me. When we had a major crisis in our relationship- he bolted.

[solobeary]

*He had a very immature relationship with his parents. He idolised them (despite the fact they have made a tonne of mistakes in their life which he wouldn't even acknowledge let alone try and learn from) and was always pathetically trying to win their approval.

 

*We were at uni when we got together, and at exam time he would always take out his stress on me. He'd be angry at me for no reason and act weird for the whole time. I was doing exams too so it was very selfish of him to put extra stress on me. Total red flag, he never was the strong one during any very stressful times throughout the rest of our relationship, he'd take it all out on me.

[maxy1]

-didn't do bf/gf stuff as much, ie: hold hands, hug, as much

-stopped returning my calls as much

-just a distance in their voice that, looking back, i think i chose to ignore

-more fighting, less resolving.

 

one big thing: going to bed mad at each other

 

i think that is a very bad thing to do

 

oh yea, and did i mention cheating? that's probably a sign and a half right there.....

[ladyravenloft]

My red flag was glaringly evident in the first month of our relationship. He told me I was "perfect".... Might seem innocuous and even "awesome" to hear someone think that of you... But it's not a good thing to hear after dating for a month.

 

Inevitably, you will fail at something, and ruin the perception they have built in their head about you. When someone puts you on a pedestal, you can't help but disappoint them.

 

Sure enough, the moment he began to recognize some of my short comings, he began to distance himself from me. When we had a major crisis in our relationship- he bolted.

 

Same. I was perfect, his soulmate, his world. Without me he had no reason to live. As my school work grew more demanding and my free time lessened, he grew a little distant, then after telling me he loved me he disappeared for a week and a half. He reappeared telling me he needed time to think about how he would survive waiting until we could be together. I told him I'd wait.....until someone claiming to be his gf popped on his skype and told me all about the new bed they bought together and were breaking in. I've tried to contact him but never heard back.

 

According to him, his two previous gfs had disappeared on him after treating him badly, all of his family disliked him and treated him badly, he only had one real friend and I was his entire life. That all should have been red flags.

Edited November 10, 2011 by ladyravenloft

[thatone]

our parents knew each other. i would always hear how much her mother and sister talked about me. took it as a compliment/ego boost.

 

when in fact the red flag was there are 5 brothers and sisters all in their 30s/40s with college degrees, and no marriages. apparently their idea of normality is talking about issues with whoever they date to their mother and playing cold/distant and expecting whoever they date to assimilate to the mother's fantasy. when i pointed out what she was doing the look on her face wasn't anger or sadness or frustration, it was genuine confusion as if she had never considered what she was doing was in any way strange or wrong.

 

funny how "mama's boy" is a female complaint but "mama's girl" is more rampant and equally unattractive .

Edited November 10, 2011 by thatone

[LSgirl]

1. He just gotten out of an 8 year relatioship (engaged, but she cheated on him)

2. He was emotionally unavailable

3. He didn't like to hold hands

4. He never told me loved me

5. He broke up with me a couple times (as I did, too)

6. He talked about his ex-fiancee

7. Drank a lot and couldn't deal with his emotions in a healthy way

[MizHoney2U]

Oh my, to open the wounds and accept the fool I played for love?

 

1. Never said the L word although mentioned marriage several times.

2. Never met his mom or most of his family although I met his grandma who raised him.

3. compared to the ex on several occasions, good and bad.

4. No Job, no car, no apt, no license, rough past, no high school Dip; I'm a college grad and entrepreneur.

 

thank you.... I think I'm healing now.

[mike588]

Ok, a few of many of mine.

 

Birthday card read: Happy Birthday, your girlfriend (her name) no I love you or anything else.One cupcake with a candle in it,,no taking me out for dinner,a drink to celebrate.

 

I had a medical scare, told her the day and time the test, was hoping she would be there for/with me,,,, instead she forgot about it until about a week later after the results came back asking, Oh did'nt you have something done today,, TODAY,, that was last week!!

 

She had a special training class for her job, 3 day seminar ,,it was 200 miles away and she invited me to come along,, now I know why,, so I could pay for the nice hotel,meals,gas etc.,, she paid for dinner at Burger King one night,,,WOW!!! What an idiot!!!

 

And it gos on and on,,,,, and at one time I wanted her back,, WTF was I thinking!!!!

Edited November 10, 2011 by mike588

[eleanorhurting]

1) father cheated on mother (family issues)

2) bad childhood, molestation (sad that this is a recurring red flag in threads, I guess the main red flag is not being at pea e with one's childhood that leads to issues in the future

3) did not want to change last name when we get married (disrespectful)

4) best friend was a dude (a little to close for comfort)

5) said that she would give me extra money so that she could get the engagement ring that she wanted (disrespectful, especially since I was never cheap, was about to drop over 18 grand on a ring, not sure what her logic was)

6) stopped listening to me (waited for her parents to tell her the same thing then listened)

7) lived with her parents whole life and she is 30 (don't think she ever grew up)

 

There is more, how was I so blind. Guess love blind to people who care.

 

I dont mean to play devil's advocate but I dont think not changing your last name is a red flag! Maybe it is because of my cultural background (hispanic) but I would never change my last name!!!

[M2155]

Ok dumpees what red flags did you ignore before getting dumped? Was it things he/she said or did? lack of sex?,,, did'nt return calls?,,, became distant? ,caught them in lies,,,,other?

All of the above. To be honest the most serious one was just the little voice that was probably saying something is not right. The voice that was arguing with the one that thought we could have been the greatest thing together. Reality vs potential.

 

My red flag was glaringly evident in the first month of our relationship. He told me I was "perfect"....

This is very interesting. I recently stopped seeing someone who thought I was the best thing ever after about 1.5 dates. It made me feel like I couldn't live up to how he's see me (and of course I really would have liked him to get to know me better before professing this admiration).

[MizHoney2U]

I am so glad for a few things.... 1. you posted this question, 2. I read and decided to reply, and 3. I was honest enough to reflect on things.... I have felt so much better and I honestly believe that I have been released from that prison I created for myself, finally realized that I was in love with love and the thought of being in love and in doing so... I lowered my standards and opened up to something without a filter.

 

thank you so much for this thread.

[mike588]

I am so glad for a few things.... 1. you posted this question, 2. I read and decided to reply, and 3. I was honest enough to reflect on things.... I have felt so much better and I honestly believe that I have been released from that prison I created for myself, finally realized that I was in love with love and the thought of being in love and in doing so... I lowered my standards and opened up to something without a filter.

 

thank you so much for this thread.

 

I'm glad it helped you!!

[HonestMan]

*Super low confidence - I Couldnt compliment her enough!, always after more and more approval and still never enough no matter what, always compared herself to her sister. Even though I sincerely praised her beauty over her sibling any chance i got.

 

*Several "episodes" regarding the confidence issue despite my praise and reassurance

 

*I got up from bed one night and said I was "going to have a hot shower to loosen up my back" which was tight/sore. I instinctively locked the door- even though I would usually leave it unlocked when she was over..

 

I hear a knocking- open the door she apparently was convinced I was masturbating (i totally wasn't)and was in tears I tried to console her and explained what i was doing and that i accidentally locked the door without thinking: she was almost hysterical face red saying she wanted to slap me!?!

 

*apparently she woke up once to one of her X's beating it to porn?

 

*Drama Queen - seemed there was always some "catastrophic" event happening with no solution whether it was a problem with work/school/friend/family/me. Rarely at peace!

[solobeary]

I dont mean to play devil's advocate but I dont think not changing your last name is a red flag! Maybe it is because of my cultural background (hispanic) but I would never change my last name!!!

 

Yeah, I thought that was a weird thing to put on the list. Aren't "red flags" things that show emotional instability or personality problems, rather than differences in personal values? There's lots of people (like me) who wouldn't change their name for marriage, doesn't mean they have personality problems.

[smudge21]

The fact she flat shared with her long term on/off ex and even though I got told there was nothing left between them, the fact that they were still in such close connection should've sent those alarm bells ringing!

 

Amazing how, looking back now, I chose to ignore all that and just jump in feet first and yet still act surprised that it all ended the way it did.

[lyeex]

We were never official. He led me on for 1.5 years. He did a good job at pretending it was going somewhere. I knew it wasnt but i ignored it.

 

Anyway..

1. We would go days sometimes weeks without speaking to eachother. Towards the end he tried contacting me more than he used to. Guess it was to keep me around longer.

 

2. Never said i love you.

 

3. He got a girlfriend after 3 months of seeing me. Came back and used me as a rebound.

 

4. He was still talking/seeing other women behind my back and tried to be more sneaky about it when i started finding out.

 

5. We never went on a real date.

 

6. I met his brother and cousin once or twice and some of his friends, but not his parents.

 

Im sure theres more but basically i got used and didnt want to believe it at the time.

[RecordProducer]

Ok dumpees what red flags did you ignore before getting dumped? Was it things he/she said or did? lack of sex?,,, did'nt return calls?,,, became distant? ,caught them in lies,,,,other?

 

I'm just as guilty so be honest.

I ignored the notion that someone who was married twice before and who was willing to marry a third wife from another country had to be (1) defective merchandise; (2) not taking marriage seriously.

 

I came to the US to join him and encountered all of his problems: he had a nasty family living closeby, he was insecure, bossy, and on top of all impotent (because he stopped taking steroids as soon as he married me; of course, he "forgot" to tell me he was on steroids before which made him able to perform ). I was very unhappy with him and he started threatening me with divorce immediately. The fights escalated to the point where divorce was the only outlet.

[ccnaboy2000]

Lets see red flags...

 

1.) First week dating she got upset over something small.. When she came back over I noticed cut marks on her wrist.

2.) Comes from a broken home. Mother shows no love. Her father was emotionally abusive.

3.) She was raped before.

4.) She would bring up old boyfriends "my ex used to do that" or a story about an ex that dumped her and disappeared and how it still hurts.

5.) Wanted to move in immediately.

6.) Sex started dwindling after 4 months. For the next year It was just a chore for her to do ever 2 months as "I hate sex, its a waste of time, we could be doing more productive things"

7.) She suffers from depression and doesn't take meds and refuses to see her shrink (She says it doesnt help, yet she's going to school to be one? lol)

8.) a month before breakup she started getting super depressed and was talking about suicide.

9.) She breakups up, bombards me with the i still love you, I cant live without you. Then 2 weeks later she's in a new full relationship and I'm history.

 

Red flags much?