Affair has floored me

[round1]

Hello.

It's been a while since I wrote. Though I visit everyday, I just feel currently unable to offer much to anyone.

 

I ended up in therapy due to feeling very low after DD events..and suggestions on here to consider it. ...

My affair with MM ended in a horrid way, as you may recall. I was pregnant and lost the baby.

 

Anyway I wanted to share my past 6 weeks..is this all normal? Am I doing ok? Does it get better?

1) a few things which shocked me..therapy has touched on my low self esteem. My inability to let anger surface, in fear of being like my father. Instead I replace with controlling of a situation, & since MM ditched me after his told his W about the affair, I have not been able to control the situation and use my normal words and emotions to express how I feel, so hence part of the reason I am unable to cope.

 

I never knew I was so affected by a violent childhood. I am now hitting on areas, that are raw and disturbing, yet at the same time. Making so much sense.

 

I have a great exterior of confidence, I believed it myself:/

 

2) I had an affair and I am now going through such sf change. It's scary. It's hurting and I am also proud that I want to. I want to be a better person.

 

3) I have to face MM and his W daily. If not together , apart, or in business mentions, friends, the same tiny town. It is making things so tough. I have days of indifference..but then extremely strong emotions of feeling he has slipped back into his life, and been forgiven n able to carry on and behind him , left a girl in pieces ..I sometimes even feel jealous. They are amazing at this united front and i know that's terrible of me to say, but these are emotions I experience. Not always.

4) I find it crazy, MM had issues, and sf admitted it, tis why he works so much, to avoid dealing with them. I could see it. Yet I, myself didn't see I was also sitting on my own issues.

6) therapy also said I felt more self worth because I felt I was making his sad life happy, he needed n loved n relied on me..but also point out what he was actually giving me was just an inch of him n his life n world. :/

7) I also blame myself heavily for the affair. I feel that I caused the marriage problems, I feel I should have thought about his w and I also have taken her words that it was my fault to my brain.

8) I still miss him:( that is a tough call. As I am aware of how poorly he treated me after d day, I almost feel like I understand why he cut me off- because he had a marriage and family to save. Yet I know he mistreated me esp. Over the miscarriage and his treatment of me post dd. Working on that as I should be angry and have a right to-apparently.

9) I get quite intrusive thoughts that I want him to be as miserable as me. I don't want him to be happy. Other times I just hope he is happy.

10) I have no idea(this is hard to admit) why I never thought of his wife, his kids and the affect of the affair on them & everyone else. That is a big area that I hate in all this.

 

I just want to finish by saying I must sound a mess! My daily life is not so. You may recall at time of Dd I was also launching my business, I am a single parent and I am working my bitt of driving forwards daily with my son and my career. I am coping so much better than I thought I would.

I never knew per the affair I was a person who needed to deal with past issues, because in my mind I had forgiven them and am a fighter and keep on keeping on! But clearly I have been a little head up my butt over it all:/

 

I'm sharing because it may help others. My feelings are real. I'm being honest, no matter how bad I look.

It's what is going on. But I am working on me, because I want a happy me, a happy child and a happy healthy future relationship.

Can I also add in the past I have never had relationship issues. I was with my sons after for years and we split because we didn't feel in love enough to both be happy. We are good good friends. But reflecting back I feel if my looks or hair isn't right, if my body isn't a good shape, I am not happy! I worrying what people think of me also..and I act like I don't.

 

Wow..as you can see I am in a very open place.

I will report back as I progress.

Thanks for listening and maybe some of you can relate to where I am at!

[nonamefornow]

Round 1,

 

Thanks for sharing your true feelings. You deserve a pat on the back for being so candid. I feel similar and different on a few things. Firstly, mine was a relatively short affair (2mths physical, 6mths emotional) but I can relate to a lot of what you say. There was never a baby involved (and so sorry for your loss - that is stressful enough when both parents are in a regular 'relationship', marriage or otherwise) but I'm in counselling myself and the counsellor has also raised things from my past. I must stress, not horrific things, just behaviours I'd never thought I could have learned from my childhood before.

 

One of those was why didn't I love MYSELF more? Why did I love a man who has NOTHING to offer me? Gave me food for thought but my answer was always the same 'but I love him'! Well, after 8mths of this man swinging between having a secret affair (in whatever guise), his wife catching him on the phone to me (which he denied) and kicking off, catching him texting me (which he denied) and kicking off, good grief, even last week she was looking for other properties, d-day happened on Fri night/Sat morn and apparently he 'revealed everything' by the Sunday. Now she's ok and glad everything is out in the open and wishes for no further developments so long as no more contact between us.

 

I can't understand why his wife allegedly got so mad at the thought of contact yet can be so calm when apparently confronted with the details of an affair? Obviously he hasn't revealed very much or is this a common way for BS to respond? I too am swinging between wanting him to hurt as much as he's hurt me through this and drawing a line under the whole thing and concentrating on healing me, something which he chose to ignore through selfishness the whole time.

 

Take care of yourself!

[round1]

Thanks nonamefornow.

 

I believe we are making good choices in addressing ourselves. Though hard and a journey, I am positive , long term, we will shine again.

Take care also x

[findingnemo]

Round1,

 

Why the name Round1? How are you doing today?

 

I'm sorry about your miscarriage and the pain you're going through. I do like the open place you're in. It's great to be able to express your thoughts and feelings, however bad. You are confronting your demons and that's a good thing.

 

It's abnormal to not feel anger and wish the worst on xMM for all the lies and throwing you under the bus. Your situation is made worse by the fact that there was a pregnancy and he doesn't seem to give a sh*t. But you have to live through this somehow. Take it day by day. It'll get better as long as you concentrate on yourself.