OneFootOut Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Here are some examples of the men I have ‘almost’ met, and a couple I actually did meet. Man 1. He was very charming, and loved to talk. The problem was, every other sentence included or referred to his ex of 20 years. They never married and never had kids together, but she had a lot of her own kids that he had played the role of dad too. He wasn’t saying anything negative. On the contrary, he would talk about her and laugh about their antics and daily happenings. He was still very much involved with her on a daily basis. Visiting, taking meals, and often staying at her house with her. “Oh we’ve been over a long time, we’re not intimate and never will be again”. She was included in every activity he did, as was he in her activities. He was there at the drop of a hat when she called, to help her, babysit, and fix things, whatever. Sure, it’s great they can still be friends, but seriously? How would he expect to bring a new woman into that? It seemed very clear to me that he was either not over her, or not ready to step away from her to someone new. I don’t care how well you get along with your ex, there need to be limits when you are starting with someone new. And you certainly shouldn’t make your “fun with the ex” always be the topic of conversation. LESSON: Get over your ex and make room for someone new before you try to meet someone. Man 2. I finally got to the phone stage with this fella. He was also a talker. That’s great, because I am kind of quiet natured, and a great listener. His conversation was all about his recent fall out with his ex, and how he had not recognized my number and thought it was her... how she had called earlier and his MOTHER had told her to leave him alone... before that he had talked to her and she was all sad and alone and had been dumped in another state by the guy she ran off with…yadda yadda. He talked about how he had dated this one and that one and was currently talking to several, because he wanted to get married. He needed to get married due to some sort of religious thing??? So his family would accept (whoever)? He had already been married a few times because he jumps in so fast, I believe he was looking for #4. He went on and on about his mother’s involvement in his personal life. Then he ended up saying he may as well get back with his ex because he wanted to be with someone (sex, which he had to be married for?) LESSON: Cut the apron strings. I understand in this economy, even adults end up back with family to get on their feet or whatever, but set limits on your relatives as to their getting into your personal life. And please don’t go on and on about all the ‘others’ you are seeing and the current needs of your ex, that you plan to go rescue as soon as you hang up. Why bother even trying to date? Man 3. This one was a couple years ago, but he came to mind as well. We met at a bowling alley after weeks of online chatting. We got along great talking and cutting up online. Well, this one seemed to have a great big shield around him or something. He wouldn't even sit on the same side of the lane with me between turns so we could talk. It was loud in there and nearly impossible to hear. There was a lot of nodding and shrugging lol. When I sat by him to speak to him, he would immediately stand and take a turn and go to the other side. Even when we were walking, or getting a drink, he always stayed about 10 feet from me. Now I'm not an ogre, I promise, and I did take a shower and smelled nice. He was just really stand-offish and distant. He was not at all the bubbly talkative fun guy I knew online. I noticed he was also extremely picky over his food and condition of his cup and traded a napkin with a crease in it for a nice straight one. Maybe he was OCD? I dunno. LESSON: Please be yourself. Online and off. I mean nerves are understandable, but this guy was night and day. Just be who you are, don't be overly polite or overly proper, or overly mannered to impress someone. Just be who you are every day. By all means don’t treat your date as if he/she has the plague. Man 4. I actually went on a date with this fella. Go me! Yay! LOL. So what happened? Well, when we went out, we went to dinner, and it was great. We were very comfortable, and laughed a lot. Within his conversation, he talked of how he would retire in a couple years and planned to move to where he would be sailing and fishing and living his life on the water. Cool huh? Ok, where would I fit in? With some other things he said, it was clear his future had no room for a ‘family’. He was itching for his freedom and to go do his own thing. Why pursue a relationship any further, knowing I have small kids and a pretty settled family oriented life style? Also, after we finished eating, we had planned to go play a round of putt-putt. That never happened, but instead, we ended up store-hopping, so he could finish up his weekly shopping “while he was out”. It made me feel like feeding me was just another chore on his check list. DOUBLE LESSON: Get your shopping done on your own time, not dragging a ‘date’ around to do it. Unless of course, it had been discussed as part of the date beforehand. That could have actually been fun had it been planned as part of the date and some fun added to it. Also, if you plan to be a swinging single in the near future, don’t get involved with someone who you absolutely know can’t be a part of it. That’s just starting something that already has an end, and if feelings get involved... ouch. There are a dozen more that went down the same road, never even getting to a first date. I guess that is one advantage to communicating online... you can figure out if there is even a chance of anything working out, or if it's clearly not going to work at all.
colliejoanie Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I think for men more so than for women, the "being over your ex" is a hurdle they need to clear..... It could very well be the same for both genders. I haven't really had many guy friends tell me that these women they're dating aren't over their exes. I think women generally take the time to heal before getting back into the dating game. At least, into the "more than just sex" dating game. I've been stung a few times, when my profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship.....I've even asked these men "Now, you're sure you're over your ex, right????". Three months later the ex is the reason we're fighting and the "thing" he can't get past to move on...... So, yeah. Lesson #1 for me, is to make sure he's taken enough TIME to heal. No matter what he says!
USMCHokie Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 That was an entertaining read. This is why it's so important to meet these guys/girls early on so you can learn how they really are beyond their online persona. What drew you to these guys to begin with?
Author OneFootOut Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 That was an entertaining read. This is why it's so important to meet these guys/girls early on so you can learn how they really are beyond their online persona. What drew you to these guys to begin with? I don't know that I was necessarily drawn to them, I didn't actively seek them out. I just met them online (date sites, social, and game sites, etc.) and started chit chatting like I would with anyone. I'm very friendly and open, so I'm always interested in meeting and learning about people. These particular ones were very charming at first, and I enjoyed talking to them and we got along well. Each of them eventually started talking about us dating... hey I'm game... lol. That is when the conversations got on a more personal level, and went the way they did. As many men as I "meet" online, I very rarely end up going out. I guess I attract weirdos and people with social disorders (worse than me lol).
USMCHokie Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I don't know that I was necessarily drawn to them, I didn't actively seek them out. I just met them online (date sites, social, and game sites, etc.) and started chit chatting like I would with anyone. I'm very friendly and open, so I'm always interested in meeting and learning about people. These particular ones were very charming at first, and I enjoyed talking to them and we got along well. Each of them eventually started talking about us dating... hey I'm game... lol. That is when the conversations got on a more personal level, and went the way they did. As many men as I "meet" online, I very rarely end up going out. I guess I attract weirdos and people with social disorders (worse than me lol). Hmmm, so do you approach the dating sites without the primary intention of dating? It seems like you're surprised if a guy would bring it up to you or even HAS to raise the possibility... What's more interesting is how people's online personas can differ so much from their real ones...
Author OneFootOut Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Hmmm, so do you approach the dating sites without the primary intention of dating? It seems like you're surprised if a guy would bring it up to you or even HAS to raise the possibility... What's more interesting is how people's online personas can differ so much from their real ones... I certainly intend to date when I interact on a date site. I'm not one for casual sex or random hook ups though, you can't do that when you have kids to consider and keep safe as well. I have met(talked to/msg'd) many men on the site I currently frequent, but it never gets any further. I just posted about that on another thread here about date sites. Most of the men I contact or who contact me end up planning a date with me and then vanishing just before we are to go out. It's like they go through the dance up until bringing it to real life, then they *poof* and that's that. I've honestly lost count. I guess after so many times of this, I am surprised when an ACTUAL date ACTUALLY happens - like "OMG, he didn't vanish or stand me up!" I think its just that most of the men I have interacted with are only there to socialize or look at women, or something. Who knows. I'm so use to being backed out on, stood up, and the vanishing acts, that I automatically expect it now. I try to approach each new one with a clean slate though, and try to stay positive, but it's always the same. To be honest, when anyone asks me out now, I half-heartedly go along with it - knowing it won't happen. That's kind of sad.
USMCHokie Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 It's really unfortunate when I hear stories like that about guys on dating sites...I have never once had any experience like what you describe in terms of flakiness or douchebaggery, nor would I imagine committing such acts. All in all, I have only really had positive experiences with online dating...at least in terms of the ones who write first or actually respond. Maybe the people picker is a little off...?
ffw Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Hi Foot, Do you see a pattern in your relationships? You know water comes down to its own level. You can keep on falling for the same type of guys but expect a different result everytime???
RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Let's be honest here - how many guys upfront advertise from the first few conversations, "I'm a huge jerkbag. I'm a mama's boy who isn't over his ex and I have no intention of ever settling down"? Very, very few. Sure, sometimes you see some hints - he'll say something that's a little off or do something that bothers you a little bit - but part of being able to date successfully is writing off minor issues. Sooner or later, Prince Charming eventually shows he's royalty or gives you the proof you need to show that he's a complete frog. It sounds like OP was able to pick out these blunders fairly early on in these pairings, so I don't see how it's somehow her fault that she winds up "continually attracting the same sorts of guys." Dating is a mine field, just like interviewing for jobs. People are messed up in all sorts of ways. I do think the ex issue tends to be more of a problem for men - in my experiences too. I remember my ex was really hung up on this girl he had a crush on/semi-friendship with in high school. By the time I came into his life, they had not talked beyond a once-a-year MySpace message in years. He had LOGS of their IM conversations saved on his computer, along with step-by-step plans of how he was going to ask her out. When I discovered it (while saving a report we were working on for a class together), I laughed about it. He seemed very uncomfortable, but despite that - and the fact that I used his computer after that (not snooping) - he never did get rid of it. I think for him she was always the one who got away. Had that problem in my current relationship too and honestly guys, the damage you inflict with that kind of crap never completely goes away. Because of his behavior, we have had some very hard times in our relationship. I am proud of myself for being able to stick through some VERY tough situations, but at the same time I think I have that loyalty to a fault. If I'd had any sense when I was 20, I would have run in the other direction the first time every conversation began with, "Ex and I used to..." "Ex loved..." "Ex and you are..." Yup, would've definitely gone running. But I think I, like many other women, hold onto the hope that it's just because he's got no sense about him/he's nervous, so he's rambling and not realizing what he's saying/it'll wear off and he'll start talking about something else. BIG mistake. Unless you address it, it never goes away. And with the ex issue, my honest feeling is that if it comes up as a problem at all, you're best off just telling him to call you if/when he's over her before you bail. Life is too short to be made to be second best to a ghost.
Author OneFootOut Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 It's really unfortunate when I hear stories like that about guys on dating sites...I have never once had any experience like what you describe in terms of flakiness or douchebaggery, nor would I imagine committing such acts. All in all, I have only really had positive experiences with online dating...at least in terms of the ones who write first or actually respond. Maybe the people picker is a little off...? Quite possibly. I think the issue might be that I am so approachable and open. I will be friendly and talk to anyone. Also, since I am older, my dating range on those sites is mostly middle age and older men who have been through a lot of crap themselves and have been burned (like most of us). Some seem to lack trust, or just think every woman will do them the same way, so they seem to walk to the edge and stop. I honestly don't know how to explain or analyze it myself. I am putting myself out there with videos and photos and honest replies to what I am asked. So, yes, I'm trying to make myself available and not hiding behind the screen so to speak. Most of the men who contact me either don't display a photo, and leave their profiles blank, or they only send 2-3 word flirts. Only a few send an actual note expressing an interest in knowing more about me, and I gladly talk with them. A lot of the ones I initiate contact with just never reply. But then again, the site I am talking about is a pay site and you can't read or send msg's without a membership. You know... after all this rambling... the bottom line is that I have no answers lol... Glad to hear you are having better success with it
Author OneFootOut Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Hi Foot, Do you see a pattern in your relationships? You know water comes down to its own level. You can keep on falling for the same type of guys but expect a different result everytime??? I am not one who hops from man to man, bf to bf, or bed to bed. I have had 3 'serious' relationships in my life. Between those, yep, I got pulled into a couple one night stands, but that's it for me. Some people on here and on other sites change partners like changing socks. Some of them on FB... their relationship status is like a revolving door. One week they are engaged to Sam, then the next week single, then the following week in a relationship with Joe. Sorry, I want something more solid than that. So, no, I don't see a pattern. Actually I don't even like to count the first two because they were living nightmares (when I was between 17-22). But as far as the men, they had nothing in common, and were complete opposites. After getting away from the 2nd one, I was alone for 8 years raising my kids and working and going to school. At that point I couldn't trust anyone, and didn't even care to look at a man, much less date. I had a lot of "internal damage" to mend, and a lot of other things to deal with in my life. After those 8 years, I happened to meet a man who I felt comfortable with and trusted. He and I were married 12+ years (13 legally). Since him, there has been no 'relationship'. I'm just looking for someone right... not to go sew oats and play around with a bunch of wrongs along the way.
Author OneFootOut Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Let's be honest here - how many guys upfront advertise from the first few conversations, "I'm a huge jerkbag. I'm a mama's boy who isn't over his ex and I have no intention of ever settling down"? Very, very few. Well said. They all sound like nice, mature, level headed guys until they get you interested and realize you are willing to go out, then as the conversations go more personal, you start seeing the real deal. Like the guy constantly talking about his ex.. he seemed totally unaware that he was doing it to that extent. After listening to so much of it, I casually mentioned it to him in a light hearted way, and he got defensive. Oh well.
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