sadbh Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 So less than a week ago my boyfriend of five years ended our relationship. It started about 2 months ago when he very suddenly expressed feelings of uncertainty and told me he felt he needed to end things. Until this point there had been no issues in our relationship. We spent some time together and a week later he asked me if we could be together again but told me we needed to start from scratch and build on things slowly. I was delighted to have a second chance, having been heartbroken when he ended it, and gave it everything to try and help him feel the love again over the next few weeks. Unfortunately, he made the decision to end it again and let me know that this was his final decision, no going back, as his feelings just weren't there anymore. I am devastated as he was my first love and someone I never even contemplated losing. Throughout the relationship we both made plans for a future together and told each other this was forever. My problem is that I obviously still want and love him very much and am having a very hard time dealing with the pain and hurt Im left with. The only reason I've accepted his decision is because I truly love him and only want him to be happy in his life whether that is with or without me. I just don't know what to do with my spare time as I literally saw him every day and spent all my free time with him. Having spent this much time with him for so long I now only have a small close group of friends who I see about once a month as they are all very busy with both work and college and most of them are in long-term relationships and so spend nearly all of their free time with their partners like I did. I have no interest in finding new friends as Im quite shy and no desire to find/try new hobbies. The hobbies that I do have just don't fill the void and I end up spending my free time thinking about him and praying he'll call/text/show up at my door. I just don't know what to do with myself. He's been my everything for so long and now I feel as though I have nothing left in my life. HELP!
ChelseaLS Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 So less than a week ago my boyfriend of five years ended our relationship. It started about 2 months ago when he very suddenly expressed feelings of uncertainty and told me he felt he needed to end things. Until this point there had been no issues in our relationship. We spent some time together and a week later he asked me if we could be together again but told me we needed to start from scratch and build on things slowly. I was delighted to have a second chance, having been heartbroken when he ended it, and gave it everything to try and help him feel the love again over the next few weeks. Unfortunately, he made the decision to end it again and let me know that this was his final decision, no going back, as his feelings just weren't there anymore. I am devastated as he was my first love and someone I never even contemplated losing. Throughout the relationship we both made plans for a future together and told each other this was forever. My problem is that I obviously still want and love him very much and am having a very hard time dealing with the pain and hurt Im left with. The only reason I've accepted his decision is because I truly love him and only want him to be happy in his life whether that is with or without me. I just don't know what to do with my spare time as I literally saw him every day and spent all my free time with him. Having spent this much time with him for so long I now only have a small close group of friends who I see about once a month as they are all very busy with both work and college and most of them are in long-term relationships and so spend nearly all of their free time with their partners like I did. I have no interest in finding new friends as Im quite shy and no desire to find/try new hobbies. The hobbies that I do have just don't fill the void and I end up spending my free time thinking about him and praying he'll call/text/show up at my door. I just don't know what to do with myself. He's been my everything for so long and now I feel as though I have nothing left in my life. HELP! I feel for you as I was in a 6 year relationship that ended and like you only have a small group of friends. However if you really want to help yourself out, you need to stop limiting your healing by excusing away new things with being shy. I am not a social person and shy like yourself, but I have forced myself to get out there and by doing so I am improving who I am and it feels damn good. But if you are really stuck on not trying new things, how about therapy?
confusioncentral Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Also like you and chelsea I have a small group of friends and am not hugely social and a trick i find helps is when i do get an invitation to go out somewhere i always accept it, drive myself there and think if i only stay for 10 mins at least i left the house and got my face seen, 9 times out of 10 i stay for much longer but i have the option of leaving when i feel i cant take it anymore. Therapy has helped me immensly over the years in dealing with parental death and two very serious broken relationships, sometimes i go see my therapist when things are going good too just to get perspective and see things from a different angle, i would not be without it and think people that don't get proper help when they need it are slowing their recovery, take yourself out of your comfort zone for a bit you never know what might happen, i'm just about to take myself to another country for a couple of weeks, scared sh****s but it will force me to talk to strangers and make a huge effort to do stuff while there, i might as well feel like c**p somewhere new rather than the usual sofa staring at the tv. While i'm there i'm going to check out the pretty ladies and enjoy my time knowing that my ex will be chained to her desk working and she could have been on holiday with me, HER LOSS, so get yourself out and about, get some fresh air, sun on your face, hold your head high, you never know who might notice you, you can do anything, go buy a soda, sit in a park and watch the world go by, when i see another couple bickering i think that could be me getting my ear chewed off, ha ha glad its not. A wise old person once said to me years ago "However great and pretty you thought she was, someone somewhere will have had enough of her s**t", apply that thought to your ex bf, none of us are perfect, we all have faults, make mistakes and other people make us pay the price, take your power back girl and enjoy your time for now because before you know it someone will come along and put the fire back in your soul and you will look back an laugh!
Author sadbh Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 I feel for you as I was in a 6 year relationship that ended and like you only have a small group of friends. However if you really want to help yourself out, you need to stop limiting your healing by excusing away new things with being shy. I am not a social person and shy like yourself, but I have forced myself to get out there and by doing so I am improving who I am and it feels damn good. But if you are really stuck on not trying new things, how about therapy? Thanks for the advice Chelsea. Right now I think Im just feeling a bit lost and everything seems so pointless. But I know I'll get better slowly and Im trying to take on that 'lets try new things' attitude. You're right I do need to put myself out there more. As for therapy, for me talking about it and thinking about it just gets me down. It is good to talk but my friends have been there to talk to when I need it and I think its enough for now. Its good to hear from people like you who have been through a similar situation. It helps to think that maybe I'll get to your stage in a few months time. Im glad you're improving
Author sadbh Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Also like you and chelsea I have a small group of friends and am not hugely social and a trick i find helps is when i do get an invitation to go out somewhere i always accept it, drive myself there and think if i only stay for 10 mins at least i left the house and got my face seen, 9 times out of 10 i stay for much longer but i have the option of leaving when i feel i cant take it anymore. Therapy has helped me immensly over the years in dealing with parental death and two very serious broken relationships, sometimes i go see my therapist when things are going good too just to get perspective and see things from a different angle, i would not be without it and think people that don't get proper help when they need it are slowing their recovery, take yourself out of your comfort zone for a bit you never know what might happen, i'm just about to take myself to another country for a couple of weeks, scared sh****s but it will force me to talk to strangers and make a huge effort to do stuff while there, i might as well feel like c**p somewhere new rather than the usual sofa staring at the tv. While i'm there i'm going to check out the pretty ladies and enjoy my time knowing that my ex will be chained to her desk working and she could have been on holiday with me, HER LOSS, so get yourself out and about, get some fresh air, sun on your face, hold your head high, you never know who might notice you, you can do anything, go buy a soda, sit in a park and watch the world go by, when i see another couple bickering i think that could be me getting my ear chewed off, ha ha glad its not. A wise old person once said to me years ago "However great and pretty you thought she was, someone somewhere will have had enough of her s**t", apply that thought to your ex bf, none of us are perfect, we all have faults, make mistakes and other people make us pay the price, take your power back girl and enjoy your time for now because before you know it someone will come along and put the fire back in your soul and you will look back an laugh! Thanks so much for your help. As I said to Chelsea I dont think therapy is for me as it only hurts and makes me overanalyse when I talk/think too much about it. Im more of a 'fake it 'til you make it' kind of girl and I like to distract myself and keep busy so I can get on with the other important things in my life. But at the same time I dont bottle it up. I talk to a friend when I feel the need and thats enough to get me by. Im so sorry for your loss and Im glad to hear that u've made use of your therapy and are really trying to get your life back on track. I dont think Im at a stage where I could leave the country on my own just yet but I really hope you enjoy yourself and fingers crossed maybe someday I'll be doing the same thing! You're right though I need to enjoy being on my own, get some independence back and hopefully someday I'll have someone that makes me glad Im not in that relationship any more
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