Silly_Girl Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I read something on here the other day which reminded me of some long ago feelings of mine. An OW said that if her MM could find true happiness with his wife, she'd be happy for him. I know this feeling. I know, without a doubt, that if he had said 'I am going to make it work with my wife (and I had any inkling he genuinely meant 'to reconcile' versus 'I can't leave') I would have supported that; by telling him I supported his decision and by leaving him the Hell alone. And I'd have been rooting for them. I'd have hurt, and wished WE had worked out, of course I would, but I always did try and consider the whole situation and the best outcome for all 3 people affected. If they turned out to be happy and I had been unhappy - for a time - how could I argue against that. Plus, I love him, want him to be happy. Anyone else feel that now, or in the past?
Anna101 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I feel that now in a way, but not while I was in the affair. Now that we're together and I've seen more of the reality of his life, I do feel genuinely sorry for them and that their marriage didn't work out. I have no doubt he really did and does love her and vice versa. I honestly don't understand NOW why he didn't see how much he had but I guess hindsight is always...hindsight. Of course I am glad for me, but ignoring all that, I do believe they could have had an awesome marriage if they'd been communicators, and watching him now grieve the loss of his family is really sad. I think she's a really nice person and in many ways they make a better couple than we do...and in many ways they don't. Life works out in odd ways.
MissBee Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) During my A I was pretty realistic about us ending up together....I knew how I felt about him and vice versa, and to this day I believe it was and still is genuine; but, I also was pretty aware that for many reasons him choosing to be with me would not make any sense in his life or mine and I told him so. With that knowledge, among other things, it never got to that heated point of having to make a choice and me having to wish him well as he told me he chose another. It was more about me realizing the truth within the midst of my emotions. So would I go as far as to say I was rooting for him and his gf? No. I wasn't rooting for them. I was not hoping and praying they'd work out....but likewise I wasn't hoping they wouldn't.Truthfully, it never really felt like a choice between me and her but a choice between a practical and an impractical situation. He didn't have any problems with her he claimed....so that took away any feeling of "hope they can work on things", because although arguable, he maintained that he had no issues, he loved her he just loved me too. I was never sold the idea that he was conflicted, trying to leave, and my own situation made it apparent that even asking him to do that would make no sense...even without her in the picture, we may not have worked out because of circumstances; so I think there is that difference I guess, versus feeling like he was stuck in another relationship and that the conflict is what was holding us back and then having to live through through his conflict then wish them well at the end of a back and forth where he chooses forth once and for all. So yea I didn't think of it in terms of me being happy for them and rooting for their relationship at all. I really didn't know much about her or their relationship, so that made how I viewed the situation more about what I saw as impractical between us versus being conflicted about him being happier with me or her. Edited November 9, 2011 by MissBee
SoMovinOn Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I would like for my GF to be happy, no matter what she does or who she is with, even if that's not me. I'd rather she be happy with someone else than to have her feel she was giving that up to be with me. As for her being happy with her H? No. He's an abusive, controlling prick. As an abused woman, she already does all to well at being OK with what he does.
VivienViolet Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Why do other people bother themselves with the status of the married person's marriage? It's none of their business. I never asked the other man about his marriage. He never asked me about mine. My husband and I chose to reconcile our marriage, so my foccus is on that. The idea that he might be wondering about my marriage now really creeps me out.
despicableME Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 The idea that he might be wondering about my marriage now really creeps me out. I'm with you on this Vivien... STARTLING was the word that came to mind. If its over... ITS OVER. I surely don't want any condolences or happy tidings from my AP.
Author Silly_Girl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Why do other people bother themselves with the status of the married person's marriage? It's none of their business. I never asked the other man about his marriage. He never asked me about mine. My husband and I chose to reconcile our marriage, so my foccus is on that. The idea that he might be wondering about my marriage now really creeps me out. I'm just one of those folks I guess... I want the ones I love to be as happy as they can be. As it worked out he's happier with me than he ever was with her, or ever has been in his life. But still, if the marriage had to take precedent, and they had learned how to be happy together, that would have been a good outcome.
frozensprouts Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I'm just one of those folks I guess... I want the ones I love to be as happy as they can be. As it worked out he's happier with me than he ever was with her, or ever has been in his life. But still, if the marriage had to take precedent, and they had learned how to be happy together, that would have been a good outcome. no disrespect when i say this, but something about this idea confuses me. You say that you would be glad if he was 'happy", but how would you determine this? would you believe him if he told you that, or would you make excuses forwhy he is staying with his wife ( finances, his kids, whatever) that had nothing to do with his happiness? i am aksing because there sometimes eems to be the idea that a spouse who chooses his/her marraige is always doing it out of "obligation", and not because it's what they want because it's what makes them happy. ( not sure if i worded that right... sorry if i didn't make sense... hope you understand what i am trying to get at)
despicableME Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 As it worked out he's happier with me than he ever was with her, or ever has been in his life. Then why isn't he with YOU??? From the male perspective, he fibbed about how unhappy he really was with his wife. I don't doubt that the experience he and you shared was very... shall we say- "satisfying," but it wasn't enough to sway his loyalty. I don't want to seem cruel, but that's how the mind of a MM works.
Author Silly_Girl Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 no disrespect when i say this, but something about this idea confuses me. You say that you would be glad if he was 'happy", but how would you determine this? would you believe him if he told you that, or would you make excuses forwhy he is staying with his wife ( finances, his kids, whatever) that had nothing to do with his happiness? i am aksing because there sometimes eems to be the idea that a spouse who chooses his/her marraige is always doing it out of "obligation", and not because it's what they want because it's what makes them happy. ( not sure if i worded that right... sorry if i didn't make sense... hope you understand what i am trying to get at) I wouldn't have made excuses. Not sure what you mean. There were no excuses. They had no kids, no finance issues except a joint mortgage, pretty disconnected lives. If he was staying it was his choice. By happy I mean things like: affection, intimacy, sharing things about his life that seemed to mean so much but he never did with her. Loads of things. They were in quite a bad way when I met him and had split for over a year and then resumed sharing the house and a very superficial form of marriage - they're both capable of more than that but didn't achieve it together.
woinlove Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 no disrespect when i say this, but something about this idea confuses me. You say that you would be glad if he was 'happy", but how would you determine this? would you believe him if he told you that, or would you make excuses forwhy he is staying with his wife ( finances, his kids, whatever) that had nothing to do with his happiness? i am aksing because there sometimes eems to be the idea that a spouse who chooses his/her marraige is always doing it out of "obligation", and not because it's what they want because it's what makes them happy. ( not sure if i worded that right... sorry if i didn't make sense... hope you understand what i am trying to get at) I understand your point. It is a bit abstract when someone says they would have been happy if there was a different outcome that wasn't want they actually wanted. On LS, one doesn't see very often (ever?) an OW saying she really loved MM and wanted to be with him, but he decided to stay with his W and she is so happy for him that he did. My observation is that people really want to feel good about themselves and affairs bring some not so good feelings for most people, including guilt. One can relieve the negative feelings by focussing on, or sometimes exaggerating, creating, or even imagining, more positive feelings. If one is only talking in the abstract, it is difficult to know what they would really feel like if the event were really to happen. How does one separate them wanting to have good feelings and thinking they would in some other situation from the possibility that they would actually have those feelings if their MM stayed with or returned to his W? As I say, we don't see many OW here being happy the man they love is with someone else. It is also tricky defining someone's happiness in terms of their partner. Some people are only happy being with a new partner every 5 or 10 years. In reality, such people typically could be much happier if they found what they needed in themselves to lead a happy life. Studies show that happy married people were also most likely to be happy before they knew their spouse.
missy268 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I had an A with a ex work colleague of mine He's not married but he did have a girlfriend There was all this talk of him and her splitting up and once they had it would pave the way for him and me to finally spend time together which is all ive wantesd since the day i met him - and apparently I make him really happy - guess what - he split up with her - i havent seen him for dust , they live in seperate houses, yet they still talk and he actually went over to her new house on Saturday for tea now i thought that was strange and when he told me Saturday morning he was going i lost my temper with him and told him to leave me the hell alone, and he has 5 days in, im happier, i feel bad because i miss him deep down, but im happier im not confused, im not wondering when im going to see him when hes going to text etc im just getitng on with my life now instead of the last previous times ive told him to leave me alone (4 in total lol he was back within 2 weeks and ive got to see him at works christmas party next month so im not out the water yet ) but im not happy that he might go back to somebody who has made him so unahppy - his claims not mine - i did apologise by text after me blowing up because me being older i thought ill show a bit of maturity and plus i feel bad if i upset people and i said if he wants her , who am i to stop him, life is too short to play these games , and i left it at that , if they can work it out, then let them go for it Least if he's not my boyfriend - hes not hurting me and cheating and lieing to me! and a bit of time, and ill be available to date somebody who may just treat me a bit better xx
despicableME Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 He left his wife and is with her. Ahhhh... could someone say- "take that DUMBASS!" Good grief. Thanks for not rubbing it in, Lady Grey.
pureinheart Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) Very rarely has there ever been a problem with someone I'm in a relationship with wanting to be with someone else, go back to a former relationship, whatever...in fact something very possitive rather than negative rises up in me and the only thing I can think of is bettering myself (is bettering a word...lol...well it is now:D). I'm sure I'd hope their relationship would work, although I spent little time focused on the success or lack of, and placed energies in more possitve directions like moving on:D. Edited November 10, 2011 by pureinheart
Author Silly_Girl Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Very rarely has there ever been a problem with someone I'm in a relationship with wanting to be with someone else, go back to a former relationship, whatever...in fact something very possitive rather than negative rises up in me and the only thing I can think of is bettering myself (is bettering a word...lol...well it is now:D). I'm sure I'd hope their relationship would work, although I spent little time focused on the success or lack of, and placed energies in more possitve directions like moving on:D. Quite. I mean, what's the other option: "If I can't have what I want I hope they remain disconnected and unfulfilled!". Nah. If 2 people have gone to the trouble of choosing each other, getting married and setting up home together I think it's a damn shame if that doesn't turn out to be all they wanted. My feelings for him meant I wanted him to be happy, not unhappy, same as I feel about my son or sister or best friend. There's nothing sinister in it, I guess cynicism rules
woinlove Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Happy for him, AND his wife...? I read something on here the other day which reminded me of some long ago feelings of mine. An OW said that if her MM could find true happiness with his wife, she'd be happy for him. I know this feeling. I know, without a doubt, that if he had said 'I am going to make it work with my wife (and I had any inkling he genuinely meant 'to reconcile' versus 'I can't leave') I would have supported that; by telling him I supported his decision and by leaving him the Hell alone. And I'd have been rooting for them. I'd have hurt, and wished WE had worked out, of course I would, but I always did try and consider the whole situation and the best outcome for all 3 people affected. If they turned out to be happy and I had been unhappy - for a time - how could I argue against that. Plus, I love him, want him to be happy. Anyone else feel that now, or in the past? Were you close friends with his wife? I'm wondering about the "AND his wife" in your title and "all 3 people". Why was/is the wife a concern for you so that you think in terms of 3 people as if they were on equal footing in your mind? My own tendency was to try not to think of the W at all as it didn't feel good thinking about the W when involved physically and emotionally with her H. Later, I did feel some guilt in thinking of her and did try to offset that with some positive feelings - but likely, I was really just thinking of myself. Do you think you feel some guilt toward the wife?
Got it Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Sure, I love him and always wanted him happy. While we were in the EMR if he said he wanted to commit to his marriage and fix that I would have respected that and wished him happiness and thusly wished her happiness. Our marriages were not off limit in terms of discussion so we spoke about them frankly. I don't see that as odd. If I love someone I want them happy with or without me. I also would have been fine with it as it would have not been about cake eating.
woinlove Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Sure, I love him and always wanted him happy. While we were in the EMR if he said he wanted to commit to his marriage and fix that I would have respected that and wished him happiness and thusly wished her happiness. Our marriages were not off limit in terms of discussion so we spoke about them frankly. I don't see that as odd. If I love someone I want them happy with or without me. I also would have been fine with it as it would have not been about cake eating. At other times, you've said his M was between him and his W and not an issue for you two. Was she really an issue or perhaps you mean wish her happiness, as you might wish someone you don't know happiness, because why not? If one moved this discussion from feelings of good wishes to acts of good wishes, it would be much more concrete and demonstrative. I think to actively do things to make another person happy carries a lot more meaning that to say one would wish them happiness if some situation happened that didn't actually happen. I do think feelings of wishing happiness for the BS do have meaning - but I don't think their meaning is as straightforward as one might first think. Affairs bring up a lot of conflicting emotions and feelings about oneself, particularly if they involve noticeable deception by one or more parties, and one learns more by examining those feelings along with actual actions, than separating off the feelings from actions.
Got it Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 At other times, you've said his M was between him and his W and not an issue for you two. Was she really an issue or perhaps you mean wish her happiness, as you might wish someone you don't know happiness, because why not? If one moved this discussion from feelings of good wishes to acts of good wishes, it would be much more concrete and demonstrative. I think to actively do things to make another person happy carries a lot more meaning that to say one would wish them happiness if some situation happened that didn't actually happen. I do think feelings of wishing happiness for the BS do have meaning - but I don't think their meaning is as straightforward as one might first think. Affairs bring up a lot of conflicting emotions and feelings about oneself, particularly if they involve noticeable deception by one or more parties, and one learns more by examining those feelings along with actual actions, than separating off the feelings from actions. I am tripping over you usage of "issue". No she wasn't an issue for me/us. And like I think I indicated her happiness was tied to my wish for his happiness. Yes, I think like you said for a stranger becuase she is a stranger to me. Or like a friend of a friend I have never met. I never had a primary relationship with her so as it was a very secondary relationship obviously filtered through him. Did I truly wish him happiness? Yes? Did I do things to make him happy? Yes. Did that involve an affair that resulted in unhappiness? Yes. One can be happy in one area and unhappy in another; a dicotomy can exist. Same goes for my ex. Did I wish him happiness? Yes but did that mean some sadness? Yes. Divorcing him would bring him sadness but knowing that I was not giving him a relationship he deserved would allow him to find a better relationship that would result in better happiness/relationship. I think bittersweet may sum up what is being discussed here. The OP would be bittersweet on the MP saying he wanted to connect to his marriage. It is a mixed and conflicting feeling but one that brings both happiness and unhappiness.
lynne76 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I absolutely want my xMM to be happy and fulfilled. For all my sadness and how much I miss him, in my heart of hearts and in my higher self, I want nothing but the very best for him, and if that means that him staying with his wife and building a family with her is the route to that for him, who am I to wish him ill? Logically, for him to leave her at his age (50) and go through a divorce and all that it entails, and then to build something with me to get to the point where we are ready to start a family...i know it doesn't make sense, it would take too long and he would realistically be about 53 before it was all sorted out, and me 38, and he'd be right back where he started, possibly dealing with fertility issues with me (I hope not but it would be a possibility) and going through that hardship once again. I don't want that for him. He already feels 50 is on the edge of being "too old" for fatherhood, so his only option is to do it with his wife, a woman who also longs for a child like I do. If he left her (she's 40), she would likely have a very hard road to become a mother. It's like life has left both of them no other option. So, I am sending him love everyday and wishing him well. It is not the way I wanted my own life to work out, and my pain is excruciating, but if his experience with me got him to a place in his marriage where he realised how much it/she means to him, then maybe that is why I was born, so that he could have a better life and be a father now. I guess there are worse roles to have played for someone else. It's hard for me, but I'm glad he's going to be so happy. That's what love is, at its core. Selflessness.
woinlove Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Speaking of selflessness, I find it more reliable to let others define what behavior is selfless. It can be tricky defining ourselves to be selfless because everyone wants to feel good about themselves and, consequently, we may be giving ourself a pat on the back by saying we are loving, kind, want the best for everyone, including MM's wife. Others often have a clearer picture of whether we are acting as a loving, kind, compassionate, selfless person or not. MM's BW did not see me as kind and selfless, and although I saw things differently while in the A and even for a while later, I did finally learn that she had a good point and she was actually a better judge of my actions with respect to their impact on her than I was at the time.
Author Silly_Girl Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 woinlove, don't think anyone's suggesting any back-patting, just sharing thoughts and feelings and identifying with those who held/hold similar views.
Summer Breeze Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Why do other people bother themselves with the status of the married person's marriage? It's none of their business. I never asked the other man about his marriage. He never asked me about mine. My husband and I chose to reconcile our marriage, so my foccus is on that. The idea that he might be wondering about my marriage now really creeps me out. Because they care for someone and wonder. I still wonder about my very first boyfriend. I wonder about a friend who moved to Europe last year with a man. I wonder about my xH and his new W. Why do you not think people wonder what happened and if the person they care for is happy or ok? Why wouldn't they? My focus is on my life but I still hope my xH and my xMM (the Rs happened more than 20 years apart) are doing well and happy and I often wonder.
Summer Breeze Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 no disrespect when i say this, but something about this idea confuses me. You say that you would be glad if he was 'happy", but how would you determine this? would you believe him if he told you that, or would you make excuses forwhy he is staying with his wife ( finances, his kids, whatever) that had nothing to do with his happiness? i am aksing because there sometimes eems to be the idea that a spouse who chooses his/her marraige is always doing it out of "obligation", and not because it's what they want because it's what makes them happy. ( not sure if i worded that right... sorry if i didn't make sense... hope you understand what i am trying to get at) This is a good question. I can't answer for everyone but will for me. My xMM didn't lie to me. What we had was great and I ended it when it wasn't enough for me. We had multiple ddays and I always wished both he and his W the best. I always hoped that if he was going to do it he would do it right and make things right. He never did. He still emails and sends things several times a year on key dates. I ignore everything and I even called and told her a few times but he never stopped. I truly believe he loves her but it's done in his mind and heart. He's there for a child with a condition and will not leave. She won't either. I sincerely hope they fix it and I hope that they're happy. Now if it had been a MM who was an utter baaastard I couldn't care less if he was happy and I wouldn't give him the time of day let alone wonder about his state. As someone said the R is with the MM (or MW) not the spouse. I wish my xH happiness because that's what he chose to do and I still want him happy, no matter who it's with. I wish my xMM happiness because he's doing what in his mind is the right thing. If they're to be happy then their spouses will need to be. So I wish them happiness as well. I think I rambled. Now there's something new!
despicableME Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I still wonder about my very first boyfriend. I wonder about a friend who moved to Europe last year with a man. I wonder about my xH and his new W. Really? I mean... an old girlfriend might pop into my head from time to time, but I really don't go into a mental lapse about what became of her. Its more like I would see something that reminds me of her/them(I'm not a man-whore. I've had maybe five relationships in all, with three being somewhat serious) that makes me think of them, but that's the jest of it.
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