Whipple Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 My boyfriend is really busy with his work/school. We were talking about how ever since I've known him he's been really busy with grad school. We started dating a year ago and things were just starting to get hectic for him. It wasn't that big of a deal when we were CDR; however, he would say stuff such as how he's not contributing much to our relationship like planning things, having time to do things, etc and how he is inadequate for not being able to do so. I always reassured him that I was fine with the effort that he was putting in because he did carve out time to spend with me. Well recently he started the self-deprecation again. He asked me why am I in a relationship with someone who is so busy especially a long distance one, and why don't I date people in my city, etc. He said it in a joking way, but I'm a little concerned because of the stuff I mentioned in the previous paragraph. He admitted to me in the past that he uses humor as a defense mechanism so that's another reason why I'm concerned. Anyway, it kind of caught me off guard so I didn't know what to say so I just replied in a joking manner, "Yeah, why am I?" He replied "Are there just no good guys over there?" in the same joking tone of voice. I didn't respond because I didn't want to carry this on any further. After a few seconds of silence, he said, "I guess there aren't based on what your coworker was saying before" (I have a coworker who is always complaining that there aren't any decent guys in this city). After a few more seconds of silence, I just said "Yeah." I think he started to notice my change of tone and attitude and he changed the subject talking about how happy he was that I sent him a care package and what a nice surprise it was. I'm just really hurt right now. It seems like he starts saying this stuff when he's stressed out from grad school so I'm sure that's contributing to his pessimistic thoughts to some degree. But I dislike hearing it. I made the choice to date him knowing that he was going to be busy and he was quite upfront from the get-go that he was a busy person. It's not like it was a secret. If I couldn't handle him being busy then I would get out of the relationship. If he doesn't want to date me, then fine, just tell me and break up with me. I'm not asking him to be happy-go-lucky because that is completely unrealistic and I know I'm certainly not like that during my times of heavy stress. I really don't like hearing him question my decision to stay in the relationship, joking or non-joking. I cannot figure him out.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 my hubby used to ask me a similar question when we were dating long distance. he has a self-destructive behavior cuz he got used to what happened with his past relationships. you should never try to figure him out. communication is important in a relationship, especially in an LDR. talk about your concerns. my hubby says that he's glad I call him out when he's being like that. one thing you can never really do is to balance what you do for each other. sometimes it's gonna feel like you're doing all the effort, but it does not have to be reciprocated in the same manner.
Author Whipple Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 my hubby used to ask me a similar question when we were dating long distance. he has a self-destructive behavior cuz he got used to what happened with his past relationships. you should never try to figure him out. communication is important in a relationship, especially in an LDR. talk about your concerns. my hubby says that he's glad I call him out when he's being like that. one thing you can never really do is to balance what you do for each other. sometimes it's gonna feel like you're doing all the effort, but it does not have to be reciprocated in the same manner.Thanks, I always appreciate the advice you give. Yeah, my boyfriend has never been in a relationship that has lasted as long as the one we're in and not to mention all of his past LDRs sunk. I guess what throws me off is that he never really shows "negative" serious emotions except for impatience, exasperation, and some self-deprecation with school. Otherwise I'm left thinking that there's nothing else wrong going on. He can be very blunt with me and so I'm also led to believe that if he really had a problem he would bluntly let me know. I guess I was wrong
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