trubeliever Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half with someone who has children from a previous marriage. The children are 10 and 12 and live with their mother in another town. The ex wife called and told my boyfriend that she is two months behind on rent and will be getting thrown out of the house if she doesn't come up with $1200 fast. My boyfriend just started working after I have supported him this entire time and doesn't have any money to give to her. Because of the economy being bad I am unemployed at this time, however I have a substantial amount of money in my savings which is and has been supporting us. I have never been married before or co mingled funds with someone so I don't know if I am correct in feeling the way that I am. But I feel that if what he and I are bringing home financially cannot help her than we can't afford to help her. I don't feel that I should have to take out of my savings to support someone who doesn't even try to help support herself. My boyfriend looks at it like we are a couple and any money I have he should have control of too. My remedy to the problem is rather than my supporting two households if they are loosing their home and she refuses to even to try to look for a job to help support herself, the children should come and live with us. Help!
2sunny Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Wow - instead if requiring him to pay HIS way - you now even consider paying for you, him, his kids and possibly his ex too? Tell him to start paying his way - or get out! Why are you settling for so little? A man who mooches off you and now dumps his issues on you too? Why are YOU thinking you are the answer to all his problems? Looks completely out of balance!
2sunny Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 How much is enough? Is HE paying support or are you paying? He and she should be working!
carhill Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Welcome to LS My first opinion is that, as you and he are not married, his obligations to his former family are completely his own responsibility. If you and he were married, the line would be a bit fuzzier but still fall on the side of being his responsibility. What is his court ordered monthly child support obligation and how has he been meeting that obligation? Do you own the domicile where you and he presumably cohabit? I think you should take a long hard look at both the relationship dynamic and your suggestion of taking the children into your home before making a decision.
Nikki82 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Don't blow your savings on this! He needs to go to court and get custody if he feels his kids are in danger of being on the streets. The ex wife is using the kids as a source of income. You need to put your foot down and make some boundaries. Talk to him and figure out a solution that doesn't involve you throwing away your savings that probably took you a long time to build up.
Lucky_One Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Is he in arrears? Does he pay faithfully the entire amount of CS?
Author trubeliever Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Up until he gained employment no one paid his child support, so yes he is in the arrears. He pays $319 a month for child support and now it is being taken directly out of his paycheck. I own the house that we live in. My only reason for contemplating helping her out is because we plan on getting married in the future and I care about the children. My outlook on money in the marriage would be to share only what we make and earn together from this point on.
2sunny Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 until you marry - it is only his. so it IS HIS responsibility. does he pay you rent?
norajane Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 My boyfriend looks at it like we are a couple and any money I have he should have control of too. Control of your money? Hell no. Did he actually use that word? So he's living rent free with you in the home you own? And now he wants you pay his ex-wife's rent? If he can't even control his own finances without going broke, you sure don't want him controlling your money and giving it away to his ex!
2sunny Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 My boyfriend looks at it like we are a couple and any money I have he should have control of too. looks like he's gonna mooch off you as long as you allow it. he needs to pay his support money and rent to you! demand he pay HALF of every little expense in the house. you are being taken for a ride - and he is getting the benefit. since he has work and you don't - tell HIM to pay 100% of everything until YOU start working! see how he likes THAT arrangement! start making demands... demands he would make if he had a room mate.
Lucky_One Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I can't necessarily jump on the bandwagon here, as I know too many people who have been looking for work for ages. One of my best friends had her H leave her, and she lost her job 2 months later, and she only has electricity this month because of me and my H; she is now back in school, bc there are really very few jobs in this area outside of health care. Her XH is employed sporadically on a building crew and he pays (he says) what he can, when he can. But he IS paying a very small amount of CS for 2 children (and if that includes arrearages then he pays very very little indeed), and that definitely does put a crimp in a primary custody budget. I would bet his XW is feeling pretty panicky, right now. Situation at hand; I don't blame you for looking at the children of the man you love and wanting to do all you can to help. THAT is what real parents do (whether they are parents by marriage or by blood). Real parents put the last pork chop on a child's plate rather than their own, and they lie that they aren't hungry. But there does come a point where you have to look at the amount of effort your BF has put out in this situation (job, CS, doing anything he can do), the amount of commitment you both have to the R, the relative worth of your BF (is he a good guy 95% of the time or 50% of the time), and how much losing this amount of money will hurt you yourself financially. With your own unemployment, you know how hard it is to stay afloat, and you need to balance your own needs with the welfare and safety of the children. PS. XW does need to check into emergency funds at the local social services, too; they can help with rent/electric, if she qualifies.
RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 You are just dating this man. I'd say that if you were married and this situation came up (my belief is that couples should ONLY mingle finances after they marry - as more often than not it's a giant disaster when the break-up happens because no one plans for the break-up), my answer would be different. But you're not married, it's been a bit over a year, and his unemployed butt is expecting a free lunch along with his unemployed ex. I get that times are hard. But has your boyfriend been out applying everywhere? Even fast food places, diners, what have you? If not, it's time to lay down the law and start applying. I think this could also be beneficial for you. I know that I hated it when I was unemployed and I was depressed all of the time. It has to be even worse when you're both unemployed and together probably all of the time. Unfortunately, I don't see this ending well for your relationship. Your boyfriend already feels entitled to your money and he's probably going to get mad at YOU if his ex and kids get tossed onto the street. If you can have a calm discussion with him claiming your reasons - i.e., she doesn't work and you don't want to support that - and he supports you, good going. But I have a feeling it's not going to work out that way.
xxoo Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I agree with pp. Your bf and his ex need to be able to support their kids without your financial help. Yes, times are hard, but they are two adults and should be resourceful enough to provide for their own children. If they can not, this is an issue that you should take VERY seriously before considering marriage. It is not about caring for his children, but rather about choosing a deadbeat partner. If the kids are going to be homeless, you could offer to take the kids in, and kick him out!
carhill Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 OP, further question, and thanks for your prior answers: Does he have the documents detailing her 'request' regarding their housing situation? This would include a statement of back rent/overdue mortgage payments/notice to quit/foreclosure notice, etc. Where does the 1200 number come from and what is the documentation? I'm asking this because, most likely, his ex and children being in danger of 'homelessness' will be on his mind and a thorn in your relationship, so clarifying the details and gaining transparency on the process can help you find a middle ground. It also aligns with my 'trust with verification' methodology of dealing with contentious parties. IOW, people lie. Personally, I'd feel completely in the clear here doing absolutely nothing and leaving the work to BF and his ex. However, you may feel differently. Considering that you're unemployed currently, that's a factor as well, and one worth sincere discussion. You supported him while he was unemployed; now the shoe is on the other foot, considering he's had the benefit of your domicile all this time, not an insignificant factor, considering you gained that benefit for him on your own long prior to him appearing on the scene. Like I said prior, think long and hard before making a decision and then stick to it. Let the chips fall where they may. If you make a decision to be 'generous', own that and accept that any subsequent resentment you might feel is on you, since you made a choice. Good luck.
norajane Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 If you make a decision to be 'generous', own that and accept that any subsequent resentment you might feel is on you, since you made a choice. I agree with this. And I'll add that, if you do give the money, look at it as GIVING not LOANING. Just kiss the money goodbye and accept that you won't get it back. Otherwise, you will grow very upset when neither his ex nor he repay you. If they do, it's a nice bonus. Personally, I would have a difficult time giving him the money since he seemed to think he had a right to control your finances. Anyone who thinks they have rights to your money if you are not married rings warning bells in my mind.
Author trubeliever Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 First of all I want to say thank you to those of you who have made your responses to my situation. It is sometimes difficult to see things in a clear perspective when you are emotionally involved, and it always helps to get an unbiased opinion that may help validate your feelings. Unfortunately I was brought up to have trust in people, rather than to make them earn that trust. And unfortunately as time goes on it gets clearer and clearer that there are a lot of people who are out to take advantage of you. This of course is a big concern in this situation. Of course I have had other relationships, but I have never had someone like this BF treat me so well. He showers me with a lot of attention, is considerate of my feelings, has no interest in hanging out with the boys, we spend all of our time together and we get along like we are best friends. I have already made my decision that I will not give the EX any money, I shouldn't have to. We (my BF and I) have told her many times that there is no reason why she can't look for employment to help support herself. If she is unable to care for the children and provide a healthy environment for them, then the children should come and live with us. That is her alternative.
carhill Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 OK, you've decided to offer no financial support and to offer a domicile for the children. Now, what's next? Have you presented this to BF? If yes, what is the response? If no, what is your timeline? Once there is a clear response, then further work can be done.
Author trubeliever Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 When I explained how I felt about the situation to my boyfriend and that I wasn't willing to financially support another household with the money that took me years to save, I told him that I could only offer the children coming to live with us. His response to the idea was, "but the children don't do well with change". (they currently live 2 hrs away, so it would mean changing schools etc) and "I don't want them turned against their mother". First of all, I don't see where the children have a choice in the matter if it is in their best interest. Secondly. I never said anything about turning the children against their mother. I am offering a solution to the problem. So as I am sure you can guess, it is a little tense right now between us.
soserious1 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 First of all I want to say thank you to those of you who have made your responses to my situation. It is sometimes difficult to see things in a clear perspective when you are emotionally involved, and it always helps to get an unbiased opinion that may help validate your feelings. Unfortunately I was brought up to have trust in people, rather than to make them earn that trust. And unfortunately as time goes on it gets clearer and clearer that there are a lot of people who are out to take advantage of you. This of course is a big concern in this situation. Of course I have had other relationships, but I have never had someone like this BF treat me so well. He showers me with a lot of attention, is considerate of my feelings, has no interest in hanging out with the boys, we spend all of our time together and we get along like we are best friends. I have already made my decision that I will not give the EX any money, I shouldn't have to. We (my BF and I) have told her many times that there is no reason why she can't look for employment to help support herself. If she is unable to care for the children and provide a healthy environment for them, then the children should come and live with us. That is her alternative. First, considering that your BF is in arrears on the small amount of child support he'd been ordered to provide ($319 a month won't even come close to paying 1/2 of the child care bill in many places) his ex might well think it's pretty condescending of him to be telling her that she needs to look for employment or give the kids to her ex and the gal he's sponging off of, she might well decide to legally press the issue of his arrears or ask that additional income be imputed to him given that he's getting a free ride from you. Btw, make no mistake here, you are this guy's sugar momma, of course he lavishes you with attention he's had plenty of time to do so, time he should have been spending working to pay his child support and 1/2 of the costs of his life with you. There's an easy way to test his feelings for you, tell him that since you aren't working that you can no longer afford to have him live with you unless he pays for 1/2 of your shared expenses , that if he can't manage to to that,he'll need to move out so that you can get a housemate to share costs.
xxoo Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 When I explained how I felt about the situation to my boyfriend and that I wasn't willing to financially support another household with the money that took me years to save, I told him that I could only offer the children coming to live with us. His response to the idea was, "but the children don't do well with change". (they currently live 2 hrs away, so it would mean changing schools etc) and "I don't want them turned against their mother". First of all, I don't see where the children have a choice in the matter if it is in their best interest. Secondly. I never said anything about turning the children against their mother. I am offering a solution to the problem. So as I am sure you can guess, it is a little tense right now between us. tru, you've set a boundary, and it is a good one. You should NOT be supporting his ex and their kids with your money. You've demonstrated your deep compassion and generosity by offering to support the children in your home. That is one possible solution to their (his and his ex's) problem. Let him and his ex figure this out. You've offered the help you are willing to give--they can accept it, or say "no, thank you." If your bf makes this about you and him---consider that very carefully. He may be very attentive, but also very irresponsible
soserious1 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 When I explained how I felt about the situation to my boyfriend and that I wasn't willing to financially support another household with the money that took me years to save, I told him that I could only offer the children coming to live with us. His response to the idea was, "but the children don't do well with change". (they currently live 2 hrs away, so it would mean changing schools etc) and "I don't want them turned against their mother". First of all, I don't see where the children have a choice in the matter if it is in their best interest. Secondly. I never said anything about turning the children against their mother. I am offering a solution to the problem. So as I am sure you can guess, it is a little tense right now between us. Translation- he'd rather they stayed with their mother, it will only cost him $319 a month to keep them there. Bringing them to live with you will cut into funds that are currently at the ready to support him as well as require him to take primary,hands on parenting responsibility. And yes, kids, particularly kids older than 10 do get a say in where they want to live in family court. Things are 'tense" right now because he's made it clear that he feels he has just as much right to your money as you do, you're balking at his request to fork over the funds... ask him to start paying for 1/2 of your true shared living expenses & watch just how "tense" things will get
findingnemo Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 One thing I'd like to advise you is that IME paying for a man's way is a killer for any future R. He will accept it while resenting it. Then he will take you for granted. Any discussion about money thereafter will be tension filled. If you take in his kids, the expenses will be incredible. Kids are so expensive that even biological parents get frustrated sometimes. What of non-biological ones? Where are his parents? Perhaps they could take him in with his kids? He must get to a place where he can afford to pay the right amount of support for his kids, support himself and even support you. He can't do that living off your savings. His xW may be unable to support them on her own but she may also be content letting him pay for everything. The next step for her is to take him to court for arrears. He will now even more. Paying her rent is just a bandaid. What about food, clothing, transport, medical care, etc? Find a more permanent solution. The economy is not going to get better any time soon.
carhill Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 OK, OP, you've explained your perspective and offered a quite generous solution. If he indicates that you and he can work this as a team, respecting your communicated boundary, that's one answer. If he chooses to disrespect that boundary, simply boot him out. Disrespect of a reasonable boundary is unacceptable and he's gotta go. EOS.
Author trubeliever Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Update: Now he is going to ask his boss for an advance to cover her rent. So basically I'm back to supporting him again.
Recommended Posts