is this my problem or his?

[Itscomplicated2610]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for one year. I'm at university in a city 2-3 hours away from where he lives and works. Therefore we only get to see each other for two days each week (Saturday and Sunday). I tend to make time for my friends in the week or if I see people on the weekend I tend to work it around making time for him. I think it's important that we prioritize and put each other first so that we spend our weekends together, as that is the only time we get together.

 

However, it's been a real struggle since the beginning of our relationship to get him to put me first on the weekends. Even when we'd only been going out for a month he was complaining that he was giving up time with his friends. Anyway we discussed it and I said that I was willing to work around him, e.g, if he wanted to go off with his friends for a few hours sat afternoon/early evening that would be fine and I could meet him later on. But he said that wasn't enough and that he didn't think he could compromise. Basically his weekend routine before he was with me revolved around drinking with his friends. Starting at around 4pm on a Saturday in the pub and then they'd usually continue to a nightclub later and he's get home at around 3/4am. Then on Sunday he would be incredibly hungover and stay in bed for most of the day. He seems to really resent me for stopping him from doing this.

 

During the first 6 months of our relationship his attitude caused so many problems. When we'd been dating for about a month he said he would take me out for a Valentines Day meal. Anyway, the night before we were supposed to go out for the meal he decided that he wanted to go out drinking with some friends and that he didn't want to invite me as he wanted to catch up with them properly. I was a bit annoyed as I'd made the effort to travel back to see him for the weekend but agreed to it in the end as I didn't want to argue. Anyway, he ended up getting really drunk and the next day was too hungover to take me out for the Valentines meal. We almost broke up over it but he was really apologetic. Anyway, a month or so went by and we'd had some nice weekends together. But then he started resenting me from stopping the Saturday night binge drinking again. We had lots of rows over it as he just couldn't see why I was upset that he was choosing drinking over me and not even able to compromise (e.g invite me along). In the end he started cancelling our weekends together at the last minute, or disappearing off with his friends halfway through a weekend together. I think he knew he could do this as my parents live in the same town so he'd just drop me off there and head off with his friends.

 

In the end I had enough one weekend and told him it was over. We were apart for about two weeks and during that time he was pleading with me to get back together and getting really upset. In the end he said he would change and we gave it another shot. The last six months have been good. I've moved in to a nice place in the city I live and he's been coming to visit me some weekends. We have socialized with his friends a few times but I feel like he doesn't see it as "properly going out" as it doesn't involve getting ridiculously drunk. But he's been very sweet and romantic. UNTIL last weekend when all the old problems started resurfacing.

 

Basically we've agreed to go to a mutual friend's birthday party together in another city, in two weeks time. He'd said we should get a BnB as otherwise we'd have to sleep on a floor. Anyway now he's changed his mind and said that he doesn't want to spend the money on the BnB. I was upset that he'd changed our plans and so we had a row and he ended up saying he'll just go without me to the party. I was really annoyed and the argument continued for a whole evening. Anyway he started talking about how he feels like he sacrifices his friends by being with me and I ended up being in tears again. The next day he called me and said he hadn't meant any of it, he'd just said it because he was mad that we were fighting and wanted to hurt me.

 

Now I feel really confused. What he said about how he's given up so much for me keeps keeps echoing in my head. I'm wondering whether I should cool things off a bit and spend some time alone. I also keep thinking shouldn't he be more mature at 27 years old?

 

People keep telling me I'm out of his league or too good for him. However the way he's treating me makes me feel like I'm not out of his league at all. When he says he's given up a lot for me it makes me really sad, as I never resent missing uni socializing or events when I'm spending time with him. Because I love him and he is my priority. I feel so lost. He keeps calling and asking me what's wrong as I sound weird on the phone but I just feel too confused about everything to be normal with him. He's meant to be coming to visit this weekend.

 

What should I do? Any advice would be welcome!!

[hestheone66]

He sounds like he is using you to say he's in a relationship. You are making the sacrifices. He is not ready to be in a serious relationship with all the commitments that that implies. You shouldn't feel so perfect about giving up the things you enjoy to prioritise him, but in doing so, he realises that you are willing to do so and he is basically taking advantage. you need to stop telling yourself that he loves you... just because he says so.. his actions do not show that he does.

 

Prioritise your happiness not his, with or without him as part of your life. You sound a little bit controlling, and maybe he's rebelling. i don't think there is enough compatibility between the two of you.

 

I would cut my losses, learn from them and go NC until you heal.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but you asked what you should do.. I wish you well..

[Itscomplicated2610]

Hi he'stheone66,

 

Thanks for the reply. It was slightly brutal, but I appreciate the honesty!! I know actions speak louder than words but at times I feel like he does really love me (his actions reflect this) but it's not consistent.

 

The last thing I want to be is controlling. In what way do you think I am controlling? By demanding he spends his weekends with me? Maybe you're right.

 

I don't see how it will work without us spending time together on the weekends. *sigh* If you love someone set them free and all that...maybe I should just try and step back and let him do what he wants, even if it makes me sad.

 

One thing I think needs clarification: I don't feel "perfect" for sacrificing anything. In fact I don't even feel I am sacrificing anything. I think that's the difference between me and him. I enjoy spending time with him on the weekends and I'm happy to fit time with my friends around that.

[Rori]

Hello

 

I feel for you, i'm in a long distance relationship and i swear if my boyfriend kept telling me how much he sacrifices for me and cancelling our time together i wouldn't be happy either!

 

From what you've said he's not compromising much.. it probably comes across as you're controlling because you have a problem with him not putting as much effort into this as you are but then he is also trying to control when he sees you by cancelling your time together at the last minute.. i mean, yeh, it's fine to have a weekend off here and there.. but you both have to agree on it, not have it suddenly decided and dumped on you last minute.

I'm guessing it makes you feel very unsettled.

 

I do agree it's a possible incompatibility issue, communication is key in any relationship, especially in a long distance one, you both want your needs met and both of you are feeling resentment.. so you're both going to be feeling unfulfilled.

 

It's obviously down to you cos you know him.. all i can say is, follow your heart and listen to you gut

 

Hope things work out for you, which ever way it goes!

Good luck!

Edited November 10, 2011 by Rori

[Itscomplicated2610]

Hi Rori, thank you for your response. I'm glad that you don't perceive me as overly controlling. I guess I am trying to change him to an extent though, which may be where the problem lies.

 

The thing is, over the last 6 months things were a lot better and he's said that I changed his life for the better and that he wouldn't go back to drinking like that every weekend even if we broke up. That's what he says most of the time lately. But then last Sunday he started going on about how much he likes drinking and how much he's given up for me!! It's so confusing!!

 

I guess the problem for me is I don't understand how binge drinking could ever be put before me on his list of priorities. I have no problem with him seeing his friends I just don't understand why he needs to get so drunk he's sick and have a whole weekend in bed to do it. For example this weekend I don't think he is coming to see me until Saturday morning, so in theory he could see his mates Friday night and I'm thinking of having dinner with a friend in the city I live. Then we'd still see each other for the rest of the weekend. However, I doubt very much he'll do this on Friday because he knows he won't be able to stay in bed all day Saturday as he has to drive to see me. So he'll probably stay home alone or go for one beer which he won't class as seeing his friends "properly". I think that's why I don't feel like I'm giving up anything in this relationship - because time with my friends doesn't involve drinking so much and I don't need a whole weekend to do it. Perhaps the problem is that I don't like binge drinking. I do drink (love a glass of wine or two with my friends or if we are out) but I'm so over the whole drinking until you're sick/ill the next day. But apparently he's still into it.

 

I just don't know how I'm ever going to be cool with us not seeing each other for two weeks at a time just because he needs a weekend of drinking. *sigh*

Edited November 10, 2011 by Itscomplicated2610

[TokyoG33kyGal]

I've been in a similar situation in the past but it wasn't long distance. i don't think you are being too controlling at all. I think he stays in a long distance relationship to get the convenience of being in a relationship and being able to do 'single' stuff at the same time. how many relationships he had before you and how did they end?

 

I really feel for you cuz I know exactly the feeling of getting ditched by the last minute. You don't have to work your schedule around his schedule all the time!

[hestheone66]

Hey itscomplicated.

 

In retrospect I don't think you're being controlling, although he probably perceives it that way. I think that he may have some very serious emotional issues including a drinking problem. This could be why he is not consistent in his behaviour compared to his words. Has this ever been something you've spoken about?

 

Giving into his requirements at the expense of your happiness is NOT an option and won't actually lead to any satisfaction for either of you.

 

Distance yourself for a while and reevaluate the relationship away from the immediacy of the next 'get together' which often seems fraught.

 

I myself took a long time (12 years) to extricate myself from someone who appeared to be very passionately in love with me, but failed to actually live up to most things he said he would do. He was a binge drinker, and loved to party. I realised that he didn't enjoy my company and would include others in our recreation time to avoid any emotional intimacy with me.. (the sex was always breathtakingly good and I'm sure that was the reason i stayed for so long)

 

In short I lost myself in this relationship for many years... got the balls to move on and my life has gotten 1000% better... funnily enough his has got worse- despite him telling me many many times that I was the source of every thing that was not right in his life... i'm out of it altogether (NC 2.5 years) and he's still miserable.

 

Maybe that's why i was a bit brutal to you earlier.. i could see a pattern.. save urself the wasted years.. he will never change.

 

I wish you the best in your quest.. always happy for more convos like this tho.

[Rori]

Hi again, sorry it took me a while to come back! Just thought i'd reply again, he definitely seems like his priorities are not in the right order, putting friends n drinking ahead of your bf/gf, especially when involved in a ldr.. is just alien to me and probably to a lot of people.

 

I honestly feel he needs to decide what he really wants out of this because you appear to be left at the bottom of his list and it is making you feel desperate and unhappy.. or better yet take the reigns and make the decision for him? Tell him you are not happy, this is not what you want and how you expect to be treated by someone who is supposed to be your boyfriend.

 

It's possible a ldr isn't really right for you or could just be the fact that he doesn't make you feel special enough.. i've been in a few ldr's and so far the one i'm in now is the only one that i've actually enjoyed because we both make the effort to make each other feel special.. the others had me feeling very alone and left on the side lines.. which personally didn't work for me.. it probs works for your guy and other people like him because they like their space a lot and just think differently towards it, i guess.

 

Hope this hasn't sounded like a bashing on your boyfriend btw lol just giving some advice from experience that might help you.

 

x

[FitChick]

You could do better than this selfish alcoholic. Dump him. After a few weeks he'll forget all about you, which is a good thing.

[Itscomplicated2610]

I've been in a similar situation in the past but it wasn't long distance. i don't think you are being too controlling at all. I think he stays in a long distance relationship to get the convenience of being in a relationship and being able to do 'single' stuff at the same time. how many relationships he had before you and how did they end?

 

I really feel for you cuz I know exactly the feeling of getting ditched by the last minute. You don't have to work your schedule around his schedule all the time!

 

HiTokyoG33kyGal,

 

Thanks for your response. I think he's torn between his old single life and me. Before he was with he was single for about 3 years and I think he's only had one proper girlfriend before that. That relationship didn't sound that serious although they were together for 1 year. She ended it with him when she moved to another city.

 

He often says he feels like he actually has a life now he's with me and a future to look forward to. But a part of him sometimes thinks that other things are more important than me, like drinking with his friends. In that sense he still wants to be free and single to do what he wants when we wants, which simply won't work in a LDR. I've told him I won't have him ditching me like that and he seems to have taken it on board. But we've been here before and sometimes he goes right back to the same behaviour a few months later.

[Itscomplicated2610]

Hi again, sorry it took me a while to come back! Just thought i'd reply again, he definitely seems like his priorities are not in the right order, putting friends n drinking ahead of your bf/gf, especially when involved in a ldr.. is just alien to me and probably to a lot of people.

 

I honestly feel he needs to decide what he really wants out of this because you appear to be left at the bottom of his list and it is making you feel desperate and unhappy.. or better yet take the reigns and make the decision for him? Tell him you are not happy, this is not what you want and how you expect to be treated by someone who is supposed to be your boyfriend.

 

It's possible a ldr isn't really right for you or could just be the fact that he doesn't make you feel special enough.. i've been in a few ldr's and so far the one i'm in now is the only one that i've actually enjoyed because we both make the effort to make each other feel special.. the others had me feeling very alone and left on the side lines.. which personally didn't work for me.. it probs works for your guy and other people like him because they like their space a lot and just think differently towards it, i guess.

 

Hope this hasn't sounded like a bashing on your boyfriend btw lol just giving some advice from experience that might help you.

 

x

 

Hi Rori,

 

Thanks for another supportive response! "Alone and on the sidelines" is exactly how I've felt at times. When he acts like drinking with friends is more important than me half of me is indignant and thinking that I deserve so much better and the other half is feeling insecure and wondering whether he cares as much as I do about the relationship. I think in some ways he is more secure than me, I've rarely seen him show any jealousy or be upset by anything I do. But I think perhaps if the tables turned and I kept preferring going drinking without him on the weekends, perhaps he'd feel differently. Probably not though, he's probably love it and think now he's finally free to drink with his friends!!!

[Itscomplicated2610]

You could do better than this selfish alcoholic. Dump him. After a few weeks he'll forget all about you, which is a good thing.

 

I don't think he classifies as an alcoholic. He barely drinks in the week. On Friday and Saturday nights he average 6/7 cans of beer each night when we are staying in. Actually my flatmate commented on how many empty cans there were in our kitchen yesterday. But I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic, unfortunately this seems to be the British "lad" attitude. They seem to like a drink (or ten). Sigh. When he goes out he drinks more, but I don't how much more. Guessing a fair amount more as he's often sick the next day.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Itscomplicated2610

[Itscomplicated2610]

A person with a fairly heavy drinking problem is usually unstable, almost like that of an untreated bipolar case. He will not be able to make you entirely happy until he can do this for himself. But right now, he thinks partying is what makes him happy, so much so that he thinks its unfair if he has to give any of this up. A person with a drinking problem is often oblivious to how they hurt other people, because they are very self-absorbed in the alcoholism.

 

Sorry to sound like Dr. Drew, but by staying with him you enable him to continue his behavior. Not that he would for sure stop if you left him - however, its allowing him to get away with how he treats you. He will do this until either A.) You break it off or B.) He wises up and stops (not happening anytime soon or C.) He ends up in jail or dead.

 

Do you really think his behaviour is problem drinking? I seem to know (although am not close friends with) a lot of people who binge drink regularly. It seems to have become part of UK culture, sadly.

[Itscomplicated2610]

Thanks for your honest reply Hestheone66. I hope this doesn't pan out the same way your relationship did. But it's good to hear that you've moved on and are happier without him. I don't feel ready to end the relationship yet, but I do feel like I am distancing myself a little emotionally. Not all the time but when I think about this kind of stuff.

 

I'm a bit concerned a so many people on this thread have mentioned that his drinking could be problematic. I hadn't really seen it that way. I guess I just thought it was a sign of immaturity.