leopardprintb Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) I am doing the typical "girl" thing and completely over analyzing the situation...I am just not used to being this put off my game. Call me naive, but I feel like I shouldn't have to strategize or withhold so much. I am 26 not 12. Met this guy online - went into it only tentatively interested in him in a very casual way (didn't see much potential for physical attraction and his profile made him a tough sell as far as traditional dating potential goes). After telling him not to text me until I wanted to meet and having to cancel on him once, in a less than optimal set of circumstances, I ended up inviting him to a bar a girlfriend and I had been drinking at to hang out with us (totally innocent) because I knew he lived nearby. Inhibitions might have been town but, for having pretty low expectations, I was surprised that there were fireworks. I'm not the type of girl who goes around crushing and feeling "connected" to every guy I meet, either. Needless to say, the evening ended in him walking me home and mindblowing sex (not my usual MO either). Despite my attraction, I wrote him off as a guilt-ridden one night stand the next morning when I woke up. I sent him the obligatory "I'm not that type of girl, but last night was fun" message, to which he responded matter-of-factly, "I want to see you again." Anyway - I ended up seeing him again (sparks, even when sober) and, since I had already broken the seal, we've had sex each time since. I expressed a little guilt and concern in the beginning about the first night but was consistently reassured by him. I have been seeing him about weekly for a about 6 weeks under the pretense that I WANT to see him. I am aware of the consequences: he knows he will get sex from me and I have essentially given up my leverage, in that department. Whatever - I liked hanging out with him and it's not like I was in love, sex is fun. That being said - casual sex is tough when you're a woman. I'm fighting against hormones and that stupid connection I feel with him. If I want casual sex, let's face it, I am a woman and I can get it anywhere. I don't need to get all flustered and hungup on this guy. Not sure if things between us have potential, but I wanted to explore it. It could be that he is only responsive when he wants sex - but I also suspect he is playing games. He tends to be unavailable if I try to initiate a date. At one point, I was frustrated with him and ignored him for a few days and he got a little desperate. After I decided to make contact with him, he was very responsive and available for a while then dropped off. He is actively maintaining is online dating profile (despite telling me it felt "like a job" and he doesn't have much luck on it). I can't quite put my finger on what he's looking for - he doesn't strike me as a total whore and terrible person but I am not completely unbiased and I REALLY don't understand serial daters. I am not very open with men...and I have done a few things that (at least to me) have put myself out there to reiterate my interest that haven't been reciprocated the way I would have liked. As pathetic as it is: help me a devise a game plan! Have I lost too much leverage with this guy to rescue the situation? Should I ignore him a few more days and start the cycle all over again? Edited November 9, 2011 by leopardprintb
colliejoanie Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 UGH! I wish I knew. I think its horrible when our hormones start playing against us! For me, no matter what, if I have sex with the same person multiple times, its a wrap. I have feelings. Unfortunately, my experience is that once its become just sex.......it stays just sex FOR MEN. So, again I'm no expert, but maybe you should implement a little silence. Be busy. See if he contacts you. And when he does, go to dinner. Tell him how you're feeling. If he wants to date only you, he'll tell you. If its awkward and uncomfortable, there's your answer. And you can do with that as you wish....... Good Luck!!!
SingleinSouth Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I guess I'm confused. Is it YOU that is initiating contact? Always or mostly? I would stop doing that. Even if things were going pretty well, I don't make most of the initial contacts with my bf (I met online). Everyone is different but I find constant contact during the day and night and texting at all times, fairly annoying. It won't be annoying to him if HE is the one who contacts YOU. Lay low. Get some power back.
Cypress25 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Stop having sex with him. Go out on actual dates with him. If he won't date you or spend time with you (without sex), walk away. Why you continue to put yourself in vulnerable situations is beyond me. If you don't want casual sex, don't have it.
thatone Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I am doing the typical "girl" thing and completely over analyzing the situation...I am just not used to being this put off my game. Call me naive, but I feel like I shouldn't have to strategize or withhold so much. I am 26 not 12. Met this guy online - went into it only tentatively interested in him in a very casual way (didn't see much potential for physical attraction and his profile made him a tough sell as far as traditional dating potential goes). After telling him not to text me until I wanted to meet and having to cancel on him once, in a less than optimal set of circumstances, I ended up inviting him to a bar a girlfriend and I had been drinking at to hang out with us (totally innocent) because I knew he lived nearby. Inhibitions might have been town but, for having pretty low expectations, I was surprised that there were fireworks. I'm not the type of girl who goes around crushing and feeling "connected" to every guy I meet, either. Needless to say, the evening ended in him walking me home and mindblowing sex (not my usual MO either). Despite my attraction, I wrote him off as a guilt-ridden one night stand the next morning when I woke up. I sent him the obligatory "I'm not that type of girl, but last night was fun" message, to which he responded matter-of-factly, "I want to see you again." Anyway - I ended up seeing him again (sparks, even when sober) and, since I had already broken the seal, we've had sex each time since. I expressed a little guilt and concern in the beginning about the first night but was consistently reassured by him. I have been seeing him about weekly for a about 6 weeks under the pretense that I WANT to see him. I am aware of the consequences: he knows he will get sex from me and I have essentially given up my leverage, in that department. Whatever - I liked hanging out with him and it's not like I was in love, sex is fun. That being said - casual sex is tough when you're a woman. I'm fighting against hormones and that stupid connection I feel with him. If I want casual sex, let's face it, I am a woman and I can get it anywhere. I don't need to get all flustered and hungup on this guy. Not sure if things between us have potential, but I wanted to explore it. It could be that he is only responsive when he wants sex - but I also suspect he is playing games. He tends to be unavailable if I try to initiate a date. At one point, I was frustrated with him and ignored him for a few days and he got a little desperate. After I decided to make contact with him, he was very responsive and available for a while then dropped off. He is actively maintaining is online dating profile (despite telling me it felt "like a job" and he doesn't have much luck on it). I can't quite put my finger on what he's looking for - he doesn't strike me as a total whore and terrible person but I am not completely unbiased and I REALLY don't understand serial daters. I am not very open with men...and I have done a few things that (at least to me) have put myself out there to reiterate my interest that haven't been reciprocated the way I would have liked. As pathetic as it is: help me a devise a game plan! Have I lost too much leverage with this guy to rescue the situation? Should I ignore him a few more days and start the cycle all over again? i'm betting those two lines sum up how he feels. you can't fight against him and expect him to do what you want after reading your mind. it doesn't work that way. I guess I'm confused. Is it YOU that is initiating contact? Always or mostly? I would stop doing that. Even if things were going pretty well, I don't make most of the initial contacts with my bf (I met online). Everyone is different but I find constant contact during the day and night and texting at all times, fairly annoying. It won't be annoying to him if HE is the one who contacts YOU. Lay low. Get some power back. Stop having sex with him. Go out on actual dates with him. If he won't date you or spend time with you (without sex), walk away. Why you continue to put yourself in vulnerable situations is beyond me. If you don't want casual sex, don't have it. the above two replies are pretty silly. pretending reality isn't real doesn't make it so. he'll just leave in all likelihood. it would be easy enough to simply tell him you don't want to see him anymore and accomplish the same thing without playing childish games. you have to be open with him, you have no choice if you want to pursue this further. all of the cards are on the table, so to speak. you have to tell him what you expect and he has to tell you what he expects. you skipped the dating phase when you slept with him. so you jump to beginning relationship phase. if one or the other of you doesn't want what one or the other is asking for, then you're gonna have to just end it now. time for one of those 'talks'.
Cypress25 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 the above two replies are pretty silly. pretending reality isn't real doesn't make it so. he'll just leave in all likelihood. it would be easy enough to simply tell him you don't want to see him anymore and accomplish the same thing without playing childish games. How is my reply silly? I wasn't suggesting pretending reality isn't real or playing games. If the OP wants a relationship instead of casual sex, she'll have to STOP having casual sex and START dating the guy. Yes, he might leave. If he leaves, that means he's not interested in anything more than casual sex. So good riddance.
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