needadvice101 Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 My girlfriend and I have been going out for 3.5 years. We got into a fight in April (we had a bumpy relationship real high ups and downs as well) and I was frustrated and decided we should probably move on. She did not resist too much, but was sad. Then in May I really took a down turn and have started missing her like hell. I realize, I had a big part in the ruin and was committed to change to save the relationship. I already totally humiliated myself, by begging her to take me back or atleast meet one time. She refuses, she says I hurt her emotionally and only cared about myself, that there were too many incompatibilities. Every time I call she makes up some reason why the relationship would never have worked. She says she still cares for me, but there is no love left, we could still be friends, but it is all over. Well my question is, is it really over or is she just mad at me? How can I test this? We live in different states, she does not want me to visit? I really want her back. What is my best course of action. She does return calls but in a very cold manner, and continues saying, "she does not want to hurt me, but it is over". How can I win her back?
hurtingandconfused Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Sorry man sometimes in life we sometimes cannot have what we really want. You've lost her forever. Back off, and let her be.
LILUIL Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 let her go for now...... she needs space and time to heal. im sorry i feel you when you say you miss her..... but i speak for myself when i say that between two exes of mine, one hurt me physically and another emotionally, i find it slightly harder to forgive the one who caused emotional injuries. "we dont know what we've got until we loose it" vs. "we dont know what we're missing till it arrives" two bullets : both can be aimed at you or both can be aimed at her. it's all a matter of perception. ups and downs should make a couple stronger as the grow and learn from mistakes. but if she has clearly stated she does not want this (now/forever) you have to respect that. in fact, let her know that you do respect that, mean it. it's admirable that you realise your mistake and you want to change, end of the day only she can make the decision to take you back, so let her.
needadvice101 Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Well it has now been 5 days since last contact. I broke down and sent her a greeting card by postal mail two days back . The girl lives with her parents and her mom does not like me too much. I am afraid she is brainwashing her daughter. I am helpless since I am not allowed to call or email. Is there hope? When you say give her time, is that days, weeks or months? Oh! women take forever to heal! Any advice?
dlb311 Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 My ex broke up with me the first time in August. It took him 4 months to figure out what he was missing. And he came back. Things were great. Then he moved into his new house with a friend. And the friends that he was mostly hanging out with were single and telling him or at least talking about how being single till at least 25 is the only way to go. He is 24. We were doing really good. He was scared before thinking this is the last step in life. I have my career my house and then my girlfriend to be my wife scary thought for most men. But he broke down and started treating me like crap because he was feeling like he was missing out again. Well He called me about three weeks ago. I told him to never call me again. I don't need someone like that in my life as my lover or friend. You don't treat people like that I am not a yoyo...And a few days ago he called a mutual friend all upset saying that he made the biggest mistake and he misses me so much. And he wants to see me and talk to me. My friend told him he doesn't deserve me and he know this. She told him if you love her you will leave her alone. Our relationship is different then your. But I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy. I knew he wasn't perfect but to me he was. Then he went and turned his back on me one to many times. She told him if he really means it to just show up and talk to me. But he hasn't only been a few days. But I don't want him to either. It will make it hard..because him right in front of my face. I love him even though he broke up heart and killed all my dreams. My life is so different and so am I. This girlfriend of yours (not sure how long you have been broken up?) but she has probably changed alot that is what happens when something like that happens. We change, we lose weight gain wieght, change our hair, our style, just a lot of things change. For the most part I am sure this girls wants you to leave her alone because she wants to let you go. Its to painful for her. You must have hurt her. You said she wasn't very resistant when you broke things off. See my ex broke up with me I was calm but he knew it wasn't what I wanted. He knew I wanted to work things out. (the first time) If you love her go to where she is and let her know how much you love her. If she turns you down then move on, she isn't the one. But if she talks to you and you feel in her heart she wants to work this out. Then you know. But you may never know if you don't. Get a hotel room near by just in case she doesn't want to see you. And see what you can do. I am not sure what she will do but at least you will know for sure if she is upset or really over it.
needadvice101 Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Your point is good. The thing is that people make mistakes. I did so too. I took the relationship for granted. She loved too much and at some point it seemed claustrophobic. She would do anything for me, I was just testing the limits. If she had said NO and defined the boundaries at first go this would never have happened. But now I am seen as inconsiderate, she never thinks that she had a big part in this too. She was an all or nothing kind of girl, a Taurean. They say once a Taurus breaks up that is it. I think we can easily blame the other person, but we share some fault too. Key is that relationships need work, it is like baking a cake or something. We had plenty of love, but I did not work on the relationship, I thought she would always be there for her. For the first year it was great, then I slacked on buying flowers for her, telling her how pretty she was and in fact was constantly finding flaw with her. I messed up what can I say. What are the chances I will not return to my ways even if she does get back to me. I think without considerable effort on both our parts, it is very likely to happen again, because if the root cause is not addressed it repeats. There are concrete ways to reconcile, like doing it with a behavioral therapist. I always think it is easy to cut loose, thinking in some way that the next guy/ girl is going to be better, however that is not true. I think if a person is committed to working things out, especially after a 3 year relationship, they should be given a second chance. My girl has forbidden me to see her, so I can only guess. Well I sent her a 12 page email today after a week. I think that is it from my side. I feel relieved, I wrote it all. The title was "Reconciliation". If she cannot reconcile you are right we were never meant to be and the relationship would never have lasted. Forgiveness is essential in relationships.
BarbieDoll_2 Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 I'm a Taurus and, yes, we tend to be "all or nothing"...very black and white (or so complained an ex-bf). However, the fact that she is female has a lot more to do with her final decision than her astrological sign. Men and women react so differently in relationships and the main difference here is that you both agreed to end it but you were able to open back up to it...I highly doubt that she will. What I'm saying is that men, when stressed in a relationship, will 'shut-down' very quickly...want space, need time...but can open back up to it just as quickly. Women, on the other hand, are just the opposite. It takes us a lot longer to 'shut-down' because when we do, it is a conscous (sp?) decision on our part to keep from getting hurt again (usually because we've been hurt over, and over, and over again). Unfortunately, once we 'shut-down' to a relationship it is highly unlikely that we will open ourselves back up to it again. The fact that it's a 'logical' decision we make means we have moved from thinking with our hearts to thinking with our heads and when a woman chooses logic over feelings it usually means there aren't much feelings left. I'm sorry...I don't mean to come off as the grim reaper...just sharing my limited knowledge. Another huge issue is that you stated she loved too much...what are you afraid of? I, personally, wish I could say that I've been in a relationship where someone loved me too much. I spent 11 years in a marriage begging to be loved more...until I shut down. You see, as she was giving, you were taking and there's only so much one can give. Love feeds love...we gotta give back to keep getting it. I wouldn't say you "messed up", you were just being the male. You thought as long as she was loving you the way she was that you must have already done something to deserve it...reason for slacking off. It's another one of those male/female relationship differences that most people have no clue even exists. It sounds like you know you've done all you can do and that you can't control how she feels nor what she decides...I commend you for that. You also have taken the time to figure out what went wrong...very impressive. Now forgive yourself (as you said, it takes two...no ONE is to blame) and let yourself heal. You're wiser which makes you that much more of a catch for the next girl....and hopefully your next relationship will be calmer, w/o "real high ups and downs". As for backsliding...John Gray relationship books are excellent at explaining how to understand the male-female differences in relationships..can give you lots of insight into why we behave the way we do. Besides, isn't your acknowledgement the first step to recovery?
needadvice101 Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 That is true, but if you love too much in a way you abuse your partner. This is written clearly in a book called, "Women who love too much". I wish I had read this book before. It is essential to define boundaries and not give the impression that anything goes and then one day just shut down completely. The middle road is clearly the best way to go. The all or nothing mentality is very unliekely to succeed it life. Men are not Gods and are likely to make mistakes.
dlb311 Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 You are so right on about women and men in relationships. Men can just open up again very easliy and they seem to shut down and need space and time when hard times come around. I am looking for a man that can stand on his own and not run away when things are roses and romance. Sometimes things work out but sometimes they don't. If you miss treat a woman you most likely wont get another chance or a third. I think loving someone to much is not possible. I think that it can get fustrating for the other party when you know that a person is always there. You feel trapped. But when you are alone all you want is that feeling back again. So next time you feel trapped by a woman or man that you think loves you to much. Imagine being with out that person and not alot of people can love that much. I have dated and met alot of men and I think 2 out of 40 have been able to show love and the others are way to emotionally scared and about 5 have admitted to it. YOu never know what you have till its gone but do we have to take it that far. Can't we all just know what is there when its there and enjoy it and appriciate it? I wish the last two guys I was with would have realized that. Because I liked them both so very very much and they were to scared...emotionally...well the first one wasn't till it got to the part of being together for 2 and half years and life was life. It was comfortable and things weren't always roses and romance. But things were still good. The other guy just got hurt real bad once before and was to afraid...of letting anyone in. But now they both realized that I was a great girl and they say they made a mistake. Well that is fine. But they have to learn and hopefully when something that good comes their way they wont let it go so easliy. Good Luck
needadvice101 Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Your points are well taken. You say the two men will learn the next time a good thing comes around. The point is what about you. The loss is not just theirs, in reality you have lost too, so you must bear some responsibility. Perhaps if you had given them a second chance they would have seen a good thing in you!!, If things recur with you in relationships, at some point you have to look inwards. In the end the other person looses, but you loose too. Life is not about teaching other people lessons, but having a good time, and good relationships. IN reality ego does not matter in the end, who leaves whom is IRRELEVANT. Both parties when they move on will think the other person is the looser. I am NOT going to sit around all my life thinking I did something wrong, I think she had at least 50% of the share of issues. I have my negatives, but my positives too. In the end she just did not see the full picture. I asked for reconciliation, if she does not give it, too bad, I make over 100K and am attractive, I can get another woman, and I don't need the excessive doting which is a drug, sure I miss it and am going through withdrawal, but I would miss cocaine if I had it too. I am sure the other woman will have other good qualitites. Point is I will think she is a looser to not to open her mind to reconciliation and she will think I am a looser. In reality reconciliation should ALWAYS be conisdered if the other party appears to have suffered and is not a TOTAL LOOSER. Revenge seems sweet, but in reality both parties are loosers, unless they are just in it for a good time. If not they have both invested time (in my case 3.2 years) learning every stupid detail about the other person, only to then ditch them and move to learn every stupid detail of the next person that stops by, only to find some other flaw in them and slam them with a sledgehammer. Even if I did something wrong, I definitely deserve a hearing and communication. If she does not give it to me, she definitely is not the woman for me. Right now all I can think is thank GOD I did not buy her that 2K diamond ring.
dlb311 Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 I was never blaming only the two men that recently hurt me for the whole thing. But they are the ones hurting now for letting me go. I know that what I did wrong was have to much faith and hope that these guys would be strong enough to get through the tough times. I don't know your relationship and you don't know mine. But I gave me last serious boyfriend a second chance and yet he screwed that one up. I never cheated or him, I never lied...and I loved him with all that I was. I am not a bitch even though I have my moments. I think highly of myself also when it comes to relationships. And all the people in my life have commented on how good a person I am not just people in general but to my boyfriends. not that I have had many. But I have dated. So I think the fact that they are hurting is their fault. They thought that I would always be there. They could push me away and treat me badly and I loved them so much that I would always take them back. But it doesn't work that way. If your girl was really hurt by you pushing her away she probably feels she can never trust you and that if she was to take you back you would think oh well she took me back and will again. And so she doesn't want to take that chance. It happens. I am sure you will find someone else and live a happy life..but you need to remember how you feel and look inside yourself do you want her back just because you can't have her, and you are lonely? Or is it because of who she is, you miss her laugh, her smell, her warmth. If its the first one then breaking up with her was probably really what you wanted. And you don't appriciate her and you do need to move on. If you love her you would be thinking I would do anything to get this girl back because she is one of a kind. But you don't sound that way so it is probably best you move on. That is all I am trying to say!
needadvice101 Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 "If you love her you would be thinking I would do anything to get this girl back because she is one of a kind." How does it matter, she has just gone cold on me. Won't return emails, asked me not to call. Not much I can do about it. See that is the cruel part of this all, even though you may want to change and make ammends there is nothing you can do about it. Just move on. In retrospect do you think there was ANYTHING your ex-bfs could have done or said so that you might take them back?
dlb311 Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 no there is nothing they can do because I gave hime a second chance. That is it. I can't take that chance anymore it wouldn't work no matter what he would always think I would always be there and therefor he would treat me bad whenever he wanted. I think moving on is a good idea if she turned old on you and you feel you did all you could do get her to reconcile with you. Then take as it is and move on and learn from it. Never take someone fro granted that means that much to you. There is the saying you don't know what you have till its gone..why do we have to be that dumb to wait till the best person is gone to realize that they are the person for you. But I wish you the best of luck and I am sure you will find another girl and be happy.
needadvice101 Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 Thanks for you advice. I have been burned, hope not to repeat my mistakes again. I will also be extremely careful about women who give too much. It is pretty scary. A good book to read is "Women who love too much".....recipe for disaster. Clearly this kind of excessive love is not sustainable over long periods of time.......I mean is it really necessary to send someone two cards a week to tell them you love them......I prefer women who are steady, define boundaries and will not just freak out one day and cut you cold. Good learning experience. I am not a GOD and have flaws, I need someone to have a deeper sense of love, accept me for who I am, not treat me like a GOD and then when I fail their delusionary image of me, they cut me off totally. I feel the worst of my withdrawal symptoms, panic attacks etc got over last week. I lost 15 pounds, this week is much better, finally eating some solid food.....as they say....one day at a time. I feel much better.
JustHot Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 This is a great thread. Men rarely share their parts in a failed relationship so honestly and I appreciate it. Thanks. Are you an Aries? You sound like a highly-intelligent, leader, sex addict type of a man who would need that type of attention and not know it. The only guy for me...sadly. I am also a Taurus. When I love, I take pleasure in the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, a very sensual, charming, intense, soulful creature and that can be scary to some people, but not when there is safety in a relationship. I'm Venus incarnated. It's to be expected. But I can be incredibly firm when I need to walk away from pain, so that it seems out of character, but it's more stubborn than firm. Taurus women know who they are, what they like/dislike, strongly believe they deserve the best and not fickle once they find it. To us, love is the only thing that really matters in life. This "Women Who Love Too Much"... What is that? Did a man write it? There are weak ones who let men totally screw them up, but who you describe sounds smart and womanly, would still have enough love to offer you when the children came and blow jobs to boot. I did not once read you describe her as psycho, so if it isn't cultural that she took such great care of you, I doubt that it was loving too much. A passionate sincerity or perhaps a gentile nature? Or maybe just plain ceremonial class? It would take an understanding of her intellectually and emotionally to accept her doting as a gift. Would you respect her if she came back to you? Taurus women appreciate beautiful things in a sacred, childlike way, as they wear comfort, good food, and romance like a scarf around their necks, doesn't set conventional boundaries in love, feels that the one they love deserves the very best they have to offer. Die hard old fashioned girl with a modern edge. You'd need action to win her back. I mean that in truth and respect. A woman like her does nothing small scale, and neither do you, for yourself, is my point. That is the mistake you made in the first place.
depresso43 Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 I am needadvice101 returning to my post.....finally registered. Well 2 weeks with no contact, no news. I went to a psychic the other day, she says I need to wait 3 weeks and the girl will call............getting better day by day but 3 weeks is the deadline. Any experience with psychics predicting this stuff.
jw32802 Posted July 16, 2004 Posted July 16, 2004 Needadvice Ifyou are still there, id like to know what happened, My boyfriend was pretty much YOU in this situation lol
nick7229 Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I need some help with this. Allright here it is theres this girl i know that says she loves me. And i love her more than anything in the world. Sometimes i get a little mad and stuff. Then theres someone else another boy that she allso likes. Now since i went to some party and a girl kissed me on the cheek. I tell her about it trying to tell he it ant my fault. She thinks i like it and everything but honestly i did not. So she get mad and goes out with this other boy. At this point i dont know what to do. I know this other guy just thinks as her as one of them ones to just go out with. And i really love her more than the other guy could ever. Now im trying to prove to her that i should be the one being her bf. How do i do this im so frustrated that i cant think and i need help.
a bit lost Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 well, i am the 'hurt girl' in my relationship and i dont know whether to take my ex back. we hadnt spoken seen each other for bout 2wks and recently saw each other and he was all "ive realised being with you how right we are together, i feel so in love with you being with you..etc". he has really hurt me and i thought the break up was forever so i started making adjustments, not bcos i wanted to but bcos i had to. and now he comes out with this and i dont know what to do, mt heart tells me yes, my head no. i cant go through the hurt again, especially the impact its been having non my university work, and this is my final year. i wont let anything ruin it. i am going to make him work for it if i do decide to get back with him. i know we have so many good things to try for but i have lost alot of trust in him and it will take alot to bring it back. anybody any opinions or experience on these things? thanks for reading..any help appreciated..
jennifer1983 Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 I am one of those women who love too much...I never would have said this about myself had I not stepped back and looked at all my previous relationships. I always end up putting too much into the relationship only for the guy to break up with me, then two weeks later or so call wanting me back. I do let myself get into this cycle and sometimes even wish I could be that strong to say never again when he calls back. But something in me sits here and wonders what if, what if I would have took him back would this chance change anything? Reading your post has helped me realize maybe what these guys are thinking about me. I could never understand why it had to always be too late before he would call me back. I am not sure about your ex girlfriend but after a man breaks my heart so many times I turn myself away not because I dont love the man but because I have to love myself. When I give EVERYTHING I have to a man and he in turn runs or treats me like crap it does make me angry but it also makes me think there is something wrong with me. Nothing hurts more to give all you have to someone and they always take and run when times get bad. She may come back over time, but think about her too. You know she will be the same way about being too loving. Would you be able to handle that? There were issues there before, that is why you guys are no longer together. Personally, I wish for once the guys I have been with would think about me before trying to get back with me and causing me more pain. Who knows she may be the one for you and if that is the case then she will come around, but if you look back on your relationship and all the things she did you cannot accept then move on for her sake also.
Just Visiting Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 I am one of those women who love too much...I never would have said this about myself had I not stepped back and looked at all my previous relationships. I always end up putting too much into the relationship only for the guy to break up with me, then two weeks later or so call wanting me back. I do let myself get into this cycle and sometimes even wish I could be that strong to say never again when he calls back. But something in me sits here and wonders what if, what if I would have took him back would this chance change anything? Reading your post has helped me realize maybe what these guys are thinking about me. I could never understand why it had to always be too late before he would call me back. I am not sure about your ex girlfriend but after a man breaks my heart so many times I turn myself away not because I dont love the man but because I have to love myself. When I give EVERYTHING I have to a man and he in turn runs or treats me like crap it does make me angry but it also makes me think there is something wrong with me. Nothing hurts more to give all you have to someone and they always take and run when times get bad. She may come back over time, but think about her too. You know she will be the same way about being too loving. Would you be able to handle that? There were issues there before, that is why you guys are no longer together. Personally, I wish for once the guys I have been with would think about me before trying to get back with me and causing me more pain. Who knows she may be the one for you and if that is the case then she will come around, but if you look back on your relationship and all the things she did you cannot accept then move on for her sake also. Hi Jennifer...after finish reading your post, I recommend that you lookup/search posts from "Red Flag Rick" and "scottbsl" dated back in April - May 2004. I have been through the same experiences and was going through the Archives when I came across this poster. His advice is straightforward and thought-provoking. He provides advice for both males and females. They have helped me start doing the inner work on why I love and give too much, and why I end up getting left and hurt. Good luck.
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