Breaking Up to Take Time Apart

[SilentCrisis]

My boyfriend and I of 1.5 years broke up recently due to a couple of things.

 

For one, we don’t live in the same city anymore so the long distance didn’t help.

 

Two, he just moved somewhere new and for the first 4 months I moved down with him for obvious reasons. However because I was there living with him he never got to start his own life in the city because we were always together. Not to mention he’s going through med school which takes up most of his time and causes him copious amounts of stress.

 

Finally, we’re both quite young and he’s stated that he loves me so much, but being so young (him newly 24 and me 21) and in such a seriously committed relationship gave him anxiety and made him feel claustrophobic. Occasionally in the relationship I felt this from him, and don’t believe he’s ready right now for a relationship, but we both never wanted to let the other go. We've always said "I wish we met 5 years from now", after we had established our own separate lives.

 

We’re both each other’s first real relationships and first loves. However, over the past few months he seemed to be getting more indifferent towards me and seemed to be constantly sad. I feel he became so stressed over moving to a new city, working at the hospital for long hours, trying to make new friends and start a life, and trying to keep a partner happy.

 

We decided to end it before all these factors took us down a bad path where we would never be able to recover from. I had asked him if he wanted to date other people and he said that really he just wants to have time alone and to himself to experience living in a big city. We both talked about how we don’t want this to be the end, and that the timing of the relationship was what ruined it. We want to get back together, some time when we’re in the same city again and have lived our lives apart for a while.

 

The issue is, however, because we ended on such a good note and with the intention of eventually reconciling it’s been extremely difficult to come to the realization that we’re not together anymore. I’ve been going out and doing things with friends to get my mind off of him, but he always creeps back in. He’s truly an amazing person, and tried to never do anything to hurt me. He even said ‘you’re the person I see myself being marry to, but I just can’t imagine doing that anytime soon’.

 

I’m still not clear how I should look at the situation and what I should do to feel better about it and feel better myself. What do you think of the relationship? I love him and feel we will be back together someday, but for right now I need to feel better. He wants to stay friends, but I fear then we’d end up just friends forever.

 

Help?

[ChelseaLS]

My boyfriend and I of 1.5 years broke up recently due to a couple of things.

 

For one, we don’t live in the same city anymore so the long distance didn’t help.

 

Two, he just moved somewhere new and for the first 4 months I moved down with him for obvious reasons. However because I was there living with him he never got to start his own life in the city because we were always together. Not to mention he’s going through med school which takes up most of his time and causes him copious amounts of stress.

 

Finally, we’re both quite young and he’s stated that he loves me so much, but being so young (him newly 24 and me 21) and in such a seriously committed relationship gave him anxiety and made him feel claustrophobic. Occasionally in the relationship I felt this from him, and don’t believe he’s ready right now for a relationship, but we both never wanted to let the other go. We've always said "I wish we met 5 years from now", after we had established our own separate lives.

 

We’re both each other’s first real relationships and first loves. However, over the past few months he seemed to be getting more indifferent towards me and seemed to be constantly sad. I feel he became so stressed over moving to a new city, working at the hospital for long hours, trying to make new friends and start a life, and trying to keep a partner happy.

 

We decided to end it before all these factors took us down a bad path where we would never be able to recover from. I had asked him if he wanted to date other people and he said that really he just wants to have time alone and to himself to experience living in a big city. We both talked about how we don’t want this to be the end, and that the timing of the relationship was what ruined it. We want to get back together, some time when we’re in the same city again and have lived our lives apart for a while.

 

The issue is, however, because we ended on such a good note and with the intention of eventually reconciling it’s been extremely difficult to come to the realization that we’re not together anymore. I’ve been going out and doing things with friends to get my mind off of him, but he always creeps back in. He’s truly an amazing person, and tried to never do anything to hurt me. He even said ‘you’re the person I see myself being marry to, but I just can’t imagine doing that anytime soon’.

 

I’m still not clear how I should look at the situation and what I should do to feel better about it and feel better myself. What do you think of the relationship? I love him and feel we will be back together someday, but for right now I need to feel better. He wants to stay friends, but I fear then we’d end up just friends forever.

 

Help?

 

I can relate!! My ex and I broke up to take a "break" after 6 years to make sure this is what we want... yadda yadda yadda. We ended on a good note and I think the world of him. I love him dearly and would love to spend the rest of my life with him... but he wants some space as he is terrifed of commitment (I am 27 and he is 34).

 

Anywho... the way I am dealing with it more or less, is moving on, moving forward. Reminding myself that we may never get back together. This hurts me to the most extreme dregree, when I come to realize this, but I can't force things.

 

So I have decided that I will use this time to move forward and better myself physically, emotionally, in my career, how I view and interact in relationships (trying to cover all my bases) and even spiritually. That way if we do get back together, it will only be better because I have worked on these things. I have joined a spin class so I am getting in shape and meeting new people. I am taking some courses for work. I am doing a TON of reading. I plan to take some snowboarding lessons this winter as well. And of course I some therapy. Those are how I am dealing. Reminding myself that I am a strong, confident, beautiful woman and succeed with flying colors, if I try.

 

I understand how they are always in your mind... I try to take my mind of my ex, but alas there he is! It does get better day by day. It's been a day over a month since my split and I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him. Or I will be doing something so far off topic of relationships and poof there he is in my head. It's normal.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I feel for you, but we both will be okay either way.

[SilentCrisis]

Hey Chelsea, thanks for the reply!

 

Yeah, it's definitely hard and I'm struggling with this whole situation. He wants to stay friends but I don't want her permanently end up in the friend zone. I guess it helps that we're in different city's right now, so running into each other isn't likely at all.

 

But he's been messaging me every other day or so, just about random topics and with light conversation. I thought the best option would be to go for no contact, so he will realize what life is like with me gone, but whenever he messages me I can't help but answer I can't even bring myself to mention no contact to him, how are you doing it with your ex? No Contact or talking a bit?

 

And I agree, keeping busy and getting out there is what I want to be doing right now. Bettering myself so I feel better inside and out and whoever I'm with next, let it be him in the future or someone else, will see that I'm a new and improved person.

[ChelseaLS]

Hey Chelsea, thanks for the reply!

 

Yeah, it's definitely hard and I'm struggling with this whole situation. He wants to stay friends but I don't want her permanently end up in the friend zone. I guess it helps that we're in different city's right now, so running into each other isn't likely at all.

 

But he's been messaging me every other day or so, just about random topics and with light conversation. I thought the best option would be to go for no contact, so he will realize what life is like with me gone, but whenever he messages me I can't help but answer I can't even bring myself to mention no contact to him, how are you doing it with your ex? No Contact or talking a bit?

 

And I agree, keeping busy and getting out there is what I want to be doing right now. Bettering myself so I feel better inside and out and whoever I'm with next, let it be him in the future or someone else, will see that I'm a new and improved person.

 

 

NC is for healing and getting over someone completely. I guess you need to decide if you want it to work eventually. I go LC because we work together but also "out of sight, out of mind"... and I don't want that. So maybe if you want to go LC, don't answer all his texts, don't answer right away. He needs to miss you. He needs time to figure out what he wants.

 

It was 3.5 weeks of LC with my ex then last Thursday he reached out and called me... i debated answering, but I did. He asked if I wanted to come over and watch a hockey game, I said maybe later and then I did go over 2 hours later. He had an event that night that he bought tickets to and bailed on, so thats why I think it was reaching out.

I kept it away from the relationship topic as I didn't want to cry. There was no cuddling or anything of the sort. Gave him a hug when I went home and he then he the conversation came up and I told him, he can have me but only me, otherwise he gets non of me and again that friends won't work.

 

So I reciproated a kind gesture by bringing him a muffin for breakfast at work. Just to know him, I am giving him space, but that I still care.

 

Who knows if anything will come from this, but I am willing to risk the hurt again and have prepared myself.

[SilentCrisis]

That makes sense, and LC has been going fine. It happened a week and a half ago, it's hard to get him out of my mind, but at the same time I feel I don't completely want him gone. I want to be able to occasionally think of him, but not get upset, and just think of the positive connotations of the break up. We both agreed that it was going down a bad path, so for it to have any chance of getting better we have to take the time apart to see how we feel. I'm just not sure if I'm still talking to him, even LC, if he's getting the impact of me being gone. Especially since we were long distance again for a few months prior.

 

It sounds as though you're handling your situation perfectly. I hope that I'm able to be that strong at that point after the break up. How were you initially if you don't mind me asking?

[ChelseaLS]

That makes sense, and LC has been going fine. It happened a week and a half ago, it's hard to get him out of my mind, but at the same time I feel I don't completely want him gone. I want to be able to occasionally think of him, but not get upset, and just think of the positive connotations of the break up. We both agreed that it was going down a bad path, so for it to have any chance of getting better we have to take the time apart to see how we feel. I'm just not sure if I'm still talking to him, even LC, if he's getting the impact of me being gone. Especially since we were long distance again for a few months prior.

 

It sounds as though you're handling your situation perfectly. I hope that I'm able to be that strong at that point after the break up. How were you initially if you don't mind me asking?

 

 

I was a mess. I cried and cried and hyperventilated... it's like mourning a death.

But I told myself, I didn't want to do what I did with my previous ex, where I didn't deal with it, I got bitter and I got angry. I yelled at him and was a horrible mess. This time I said, nope lets be level headed about this. So I was calm and cool accepeted it for what it was and moved out... when I was alone I would BAWL on the phone to my mom or gf for hours. I was feeling the hope and then a second later it was dashed and felt like nothing ever good was going to come of it.

I mean I still cry now and then, but I hold it together better.

I felt that if I kept a level head, and moved forward with confidence and bettering myself, that would speak worlds to my ex. It is something I had to try.. and it made me feel better about myself and my situation.

[SilentCrisis]

Thats exactly how I feel right now. It's been impossible to stay positive right now. I go out with my friends and post photos and stuff on facebook so if he's looking he won't know I've been destroyed.

 

Occasionally I look to see what he's up to, and when it seems like he's happy. My heart sinks that he could be happy so soon after the break up, but then I realize how I look on his end. I have no idea what goes on when he's alone, he could be upset as much as me.

 

When we broke up he cried just as much as I did, saying that he felt terrible to cause me such pain after everything I've done for him, but it's something we have to do if we ever want to better our relationship.

[ChelseaLS]

Thats exactly how I feel right now. It's been impossible to stay positive right now. I go out with my friends and post photos and stuff on facebook so if he's looking he won't know I've been destroyed.

 

Occasionally I look to see what he's up to, and when it seems like he's happy. My heart sinks that he could be happy so soon after the break up, but then I realize how I look on his end. I have no idea what goes on when he's alone, he could be upset as much as me.

 

When we broke up he cried just as much as I did, saying that he felt terrible to cause me such pain after everything I've done for him, but it's something we have to do if we ever want to better our relationship.

 

 

I think a lot of people forget that the dumper in many cases hurts too. It may not seem like it because they dumped you, but they do.

 

I personally stay away from facebook right now... well try to my best lol. I don't post anything. Checking facebook just makes the pain worse and harder to move on and if your not there yet... it's probably best to stay away as often as possible (believe me I am no saint at staying away).

 

Remember that the only way you will have a chance (not for sure, but a chance) at the relationship in the future, is to take this time apart and better yourself.

 

If you can push out those negative thoughts and replace them with good positive ones, it will get easier and slowly weight will be lifted from your shoulders. Force yourself to smile, and soon you will be smiling without forcing it.

 

I know its hard to find any positive in these situations but if you can learn to find the positives, it helps 10 fold.

[SilentCrisis]

Yeah, I always think I'll feel better if I know what he's doing, but in the end it always makes me feel worse. At least for now, I need to force myself to not even concern myself with what he's doing. In the end, if we get back together, not being so concerned with his activities will better the relationship and we won't feel pressured or claustrophobic.

 

Bettering myself will be beneficial for all, it's just hard to get to that point. It's great hearing from others experiencing the same thing. I talk to my friends, but they don't really know what I'm feeling. And they know both of us, so they have interest in both parties. I hope you're doing well with yours!

[ChelseaLS]

Yeah, I always think I'll feel better if I know what he's doing, but in the end it always makes me feel worse. At least for now, I need to force myself to not even concern myself with what he's doing. In the end, if we get back together, not being so concerned with his activities will better the relationship and we won't feel pressured or claustrophobic.

 

Bettering myself will be beneficial for all, it's just hard to get to that point. It's great hearing from others experiencing the same thing. I talk to my friends, but they don't really know what I'm feeling. And they know both of us, so they have interest in both parties. I hope you're doing well with yours!

 

 

I get that about framily and friends and their support... it's bias ofcourse because they care about you. My friends would always say "what an *******, **** him" blah blah blah... and that is really not the case, in my case.

 

You don't want to know what he is doing now, you will start to resent him if he is / or looks like he is having a good time. And if you guys do reconcile you don't want to bring those built up feelings back into the relationship.

 

Remember that if you hold love too loosely then it flies away; if you hold love too tightly, it will die. Something I know I need to learn in my next relationship.

[SilentCrisis]

Exactly, and not to mention my super creative mind will take any situation or thing he is doing and turn it into the worst possible scenario and make me upset.

 

But again, if he looked at what I have been up to, he'd think I was having the time of my life. but you're right about possibly building resentment if I think he's having a better time without me than he did with me, especially when I am still in the dumps about this.

 

That quote is exactly it and it's something I'm going to have to learn and live by in my next relationship, be it with him or someone else. Another one I love, which I' hoping reigns true on the positive side, is this:

 

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; when it's a small fire, the wind kills it but when its a real fire, the wind intensifies it

[tk1212]

I read your thread and couldn't help but comment. I can completely relate to the situation but am sitting on the other side of the fence. My relationship has not ended but feel it's going in that direction for many of the reasons you mentioned. I started a new job, meeting new people, working long hours and working towards a career. All this has me wondering if if this relationship is the right one and left me craving my own space. I love my girlfriend but have a feeling of anxiety all the time about it. I'm 28 and she is 25. (sorry I'll spare you all the details as I want to comment on your thread)

 

As for how to handle the situation, my suggestion to you is to give him the space that he needs and show that you can be independent. Be there if he needs but most importantly you are OK without him. Much like I am feeling he does need to realize what life is like without you. I can't promise that this will allow for you to be back together but if someone need's space giving it to them will help your relationship grow.

 

It sounds like you are doing well but if you have any questions as to how the other side might feel don't hesistate to ask and I will do my best to comment based on my situation.

 

I hope this helps somewhat!

[SilentCrisis]

Hey tk1212, It's great to hear from someone on the other side of this and know that other people can feel this way and still love their partner a greatly deal but know they need that time to themselves.

 

It will definitely be beneficial to both of us to have our own time to be young and single, but the idea of him going out with others still makes me feel uneasy. There is always that little voice in the back of my head that says he just wanted out of this but wanted it do it in a light way, but I honestly don't think this was the case.

 

We actually ended up skyping yesterday. He said he could only talk for a few minutes and ended up keeping the conversation going for 40 minutes and was incredibly sweet and playful. With him continuing the conversation for a while it lets me know that he still enjoys my company and cares about me, and really makes me believe that everything that hes been saying, about just needing space and time to grow, has been true.

 

I does hurt however when he seems to be having such a great time without me, making me feel like I was just a burden upon him. But this is just what I see on facebook etc, so I have no idea what hes like behind closed doors.

 

Did you find you began to resent your partner more and more the longer you felt you needed the space? And do you feel once you get the independence you so desire you may just end up missing them after a while of being alone?

 

Thanks for the input!