twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Is it wrong for me to resent my SO (together three years) because he says he cannot afford to do things for me? He told me everything he did for his ex and her children (supported them and bought them many gifts). I buy him gifts once in a while and I feed him quite often. He told me this past weekend that he cannot afford to do a lot for me. I know he is not broke. I do his taxes and sometimes I do his banking. Also, because of my job, I have done his W-2 for the past five years. I am not poor either. I am able to support myself so it's not like I want him to support me. Thoughtful gestures would be nice once in a while. Instead of being reminded that he cannot afford to do things for me. He could take her and her family (five people) out to eat, but he cannot afford to buy me supper?? I would not feel so bad, and be resentful, if he did not tell me about everything he bought his ex and her kids. It makes me put a wall up and remain distant from him. I have to maintain my dignity. Am I wrong to resent him for this?
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I think you resent him for not treating you the same way as he treats his family. No, you are not wrong for feeling that way because you would want to feel that you are equally as important to him as they are. Has it always been this way? Does he have a gambling habit maybe?
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 I think you resent him for not treating you the same way as he treats his family. No, you are not wrong for feeling that way because you would want to feel that you are equally as important to him as they are. Has it always been this way? Does he have a gambling habit maybe? It's not his family. It is his ex-gf's family. They never had children together. He has no children of his own. I do feel less important to him. No - He does not have a gambling habit. We spend most of our free time together and we are not big spenders. We do things like hunt, fish, watch tv and go for walks.
Andy_K Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Does he have less disposable income now than he did then? It sounds like by mentioning the things he used to do that he is trying to show you that he's not normally tight with his money, and that the reason he isn't spending it on you is because he can't afford to, not because he's stingy. He's obviously not too clued up on how women think if this is the case, but it's a distinct possibility.
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Oh, his ex-girlfriend's family! That's an entire different kettle of fish. They shouldn't take any priority over you in any shape or form
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Does he have less disposable income now than he did then? It sounds like by mentioning the things he used to do that he is trying to show you that he's not normally tight with his money, and that the reason he isn't spending it on you is because he can't afford to, not because he's stingy. He's obviously not too clued up on how women think if this is the case, but it's a distinct possibility. The fact that it's his ex's family makes the issue somewhat deeper than stinginess or spending on a woman in general
Andy_K Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 The fact that it's his ex's family makes the issue somewhat deeper than stinginess or spending on a woman in general My interpretation of the OP is that he used to take his ex and her kids out, not that he still does.
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Does he have less disposable income now than he did then? No. He should have more disposable income. He is only supporting himself now. He told me his electric bill went way down, groceries are WAY WAY down, he only has to pay car insurance for himself, he cancelled his life insurance, etc. (Keep in mind, I do payroll for the company he works for. I know more than I should.)
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 My interpretation of the OP is that he used to take his ex and her kids out, not that he still does. Andy K is correct.
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) Andy K is correct. Ok In that case he probably feels she/they took advantage of him - as they are not together anymore he might feel bitter - and he wants to prevent that happening again .. and to answer the question, I do think it's unreasonable to be resentful if you expect more than 50% financial contribution to your shared life Edited November 9, 2011 by Emilia
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Ok In that case he probably feels she/they took advantage of him - as they are not together anymore he might feel bitter - and he wants to prevent that happening again .. and to answer the question, I do think it's unreasonable to be resentful if you expect more than 50% financial contribution to your shared life I don't expect more than 50%. My resentment surfaced again today because he suggested we go out to eat. I told him I could make supper. He said we should go out and do things. I think I will agree to going out to eat if we split the bill 50/50.
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I don't expect more than 50%. My resentment surfaced again today because he suggested we go out to eat. I told him I could make supper. He said we should go out and do things. I think I will agree to going out to eat if we split the bill 50/50. So did he expect you to pay for all of it or are you just assuming that?
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 So did he expect you to pay for all of it or are you just assuming that? Last Saturday he said he cannot afford to do a lot for me. That makes me assume he expects me to pay for supper. How could he buy supper for five, but not two? He told me how it used to cost him a lot when they would take the kids out to eat.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 He could take her and her family (five people) out to eat, but he cannot afford to buy me supper?? I would not feel so bad, and be resentful, if he did not tell me about everything he bought his ex and her kids. It makes me put a wall up and remain distant from him. I have to maintain my dignity. Am I wrong to resent him for this? You need to realize that unlike you he doesn't associate spending money with love or affection. Which means this won't be a big deal in his mind, or even further that you should see this as how much he values you MORE than her. Most guys hate leeches, we value strength and independence. Unless the guy wants a woman he can control... then flip it around. I've been in this type of situation before, going from an ex that cost me lots of money and one that I spent little on. I can tell you that after dating Ms.Expensive I felt very drained and used. I felt that the more I spent on a woman the less I could trust her motives. Actually... I still feel that way to a certain degree. I can't say your are right or wrong to be upset about this, but if you were my GF and I found out you felt like that... I would most likely begin thinking we were not a good match. Money does not = Love in my book. I can't build a life with someone that thinks I show love by spending money. I want someone I feel excited to wake up and watch the sunrise with or take a stroll in the moonlight, not a woman who feels loved when I buy her shoes or dinner.
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Last Saturday he said he cannot afford to do a lot for me. That makes me assume he expects me to pay for supper. How could he buy supper for five, but not two? He told me how it used to cost him a lot when they would take the kids out to eat. It sounds like you are being a bit passive-aggressive. Why not ask him what he meant exactly with that statement? How he envisages your future share of costs? Maybe sympathise if he indeed felt exploited?
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Maybe I am in a no-win situation. If I buy supper, I will resent it. If he buys supper, he will remind me that he cannot afford to do things for me. If I ask to go 50/50, he will get upset. All the while, I know what he did in his past and what he is capable of.
azsinglegal Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Maybe I am in a no-win situation. If I buy supper, I will resent it. If he buys supper, he will remind me that he cannot afford to do things for me. If I ask to go 50/50, he will get upset. All the while, I know what he did in his past and what he is capable of. I don't understand. If you're in a relationship with this fellow why are you either of you resenting doing things for each other?
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 I don't understand. If you're in a relationship with this fellow why are you either of you resenting doing things for each other? hmm . . good question I resent it because he resents it.
Niagara Falls Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 maybe he really is tight for money? guys are good at hiding things. could he be hiding a gambling/sports betting, drinking or even drug problem? maybe start acting worried toward him and see if hes hiding something. i doubt he is but the point is, he will have to be honest about whatevers keeping him from buying money. its called acting blissfully ignorant. your concern for something that isnt right will make him naturally try to fix or explain otherwise. then you can get some answers
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Maybe I am in a no-win situation. If I buy supper, I will resent it. If he buys supper, he will remind me that he cannot afford to do things for me. If I ask to go 50/50, he will get upset. All the while, I know what he did in his past and what he is capable of. I think you just want his cash and don't care about him at all. I think he knows that too
azsinglegal Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 hmm . . good question I resent it because he resents it. Well that's just silly! I think you're both being a little ridiculous. Who cares who pays? or who has more money. Who cares what he did for his Ex? He's with you now...that's what matters. I'm really glad I never resented anyone for having to pay for them. Hell...I was off work for the first 5 months of my current relationship and he even put gas in my vehicle so I could visit him! I'm sure glad he wasn't resentful that I couldn't hold my own weight without a job. Or that the man I was seeing needed me to pay for the tab once in a while when we went out cuz he couldn't afford it. Sheesh sweetie...this seems a little petty IMO.
Author twister4 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 After thinking about it all day, I figured it out. I want him to pull his own weight (aka pay his fair share). That is not asking too much. We are both working adults. If he cannot go 50/50 on things, I am done. It would be one thing if he was down and out, but we are both working, he is even working a little overtime.
azsinglegal Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 After thinking about it all day, I figured it out. I want him to pull his own weight (aka pay his fair share). That is not asking too much. We are both working adults. If he cannot go 50/50 on things, I am done. It would be one thing if he was down and out, but we are both working, he is even working a little overtime. I had a guy who didn't pay his share. Then he moved in with me and mooched off me for 5 months. I was stupid and desperate to be in "in love" so I let it happen. When he left I was relieved. I saved a lot of money then. My point is, if you think you're being taken advantage of, and feel you're being taken advantage of - you probably are. Ditch the dead weight before he uses you up and ditches you (this is sadly what happened to me).
O'Malley Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 If I ask to go 50/50, he will get upset. Why do you believe that he would react this way? If he does get upset, ask why he feels 50/50 is unfair. He can afford to do things with you, instead of 'for you' -- in that you compromise and both pay your own way on outings, you take turns treating eachother. Possibly he felt taken advantage of in his last relationship (although he did have the choice to make clear he wasn't an open wallet or to leave); this doesn't give him carte blanche to invert the situation with you. His posturing comes across as though you are obligated to compensate for issues he perceived in his prior relationship. I'd pass on accepting those terms -- and him, if he keeps this BS up.
RiverRunning Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I think people are unfairly ganging up on the OP. To that end, I think I know you from another forum, OP - good to see you again. I dated a guy who expected me to pay for everything. And that has nothing to do with, "you just want him to buy you stuff." But when the joint expectation is that you'll both be going out to eat, it's only fair that either partner springs for it every now and then. And if one partner has significantly more discretionary income, he/she should be spending a comparable amount more when dining out to eat. My boyfriend earns 3 - 5 times more than I do per year. Naturally, he pays more when we go out. That doesn't mean I sit idly back. Whenever I have money, I like to spoil him too. This guy made some really boneheaded mistakes. He never should've told her allll that he did for his ex, because naturally it looks like he was willing to put in more effort/money into her than he is with his current s/o. I also get the impression he's complaining when he does do nice things for you. My ex did that. He'd buy dinner, then complain about how little money he had and how tight he was and how he couldn't afford to do anything for me. He worked more than I did. Until he started lying to his job and never going to work, anyway. When someone does something nice for you, then launches into how they couldn't afford it/didn't want to/etc., it makes me angry. I'd rather they just not go through the motions than pretend to be into it, then tell me they can't do it for whatever reason. In my ex's case, it was because he wanted to blow all of his money on games and stupid crap. Someone who's willing to take you out EVERY NOW AND THEN, and NOT complain about it, is a valuable partner. I take my partners out to eat, I buy them little gifts/flowers (yeah, totally), etc. I expect the same at least every now and then in return. It doesn't sound like OP is getting that. I would feel very guilty if my boyfriend were buying all of our meals, as I'm sure he would feel very guilty if I were bearing all of that load. I don't think you are selfish at all, OP, to want him to lavish even some attention on you that he didn't lavish on her.
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