confusioncentral Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) Hi Everyone, I'm 37 She is 28. This is my first post and i need some points of view as i am struggling to see things objectivly. My Ex GF broke it off 2 months ago and i can't work it out. When we met she painted herself as the perfect girlfriend that would never try and change me, accept me for who i am and generally be a model partner. After a few weeks of dating she told me she wanted to tell me some stuff so there were no secrets between us, what followed was a flood of past problems as follows, Her mum was bi polar for many years and eventually committed suicide, she herself during this time attempted suicide, she spent a short amount of time homeless, experimented with her sexuallity, did drugs, lived with a severe self harming friend and felt responsible for her safety, worked as a stripper for a while, had several dysfuncional relationships and a few other things. When we first met she was at rock bottom living in someones spare room and v. insecure about her job, i encouraged her and helped her find the confidence to get back on her feet and get a place of her own. I did many caring thoughtfull things for her throughout our time together (nearly 2 years) A couple of times during our relationship when i was teasing her she accused me of trying to send her mad and make her ill like her mum was. whenever she supported me there was a condition attached, "I helped you and you never bought me flowers" she would say, or joking saying "i will help you renovate a house as long as you take me on holiday" I asked her to live with me after a year of dating and she agreed with much excitement quickly moving her things in to my place except for her day to day things like clothes, make up and the like, when i questioned her on this she said she needed a weardrobe to hang her clothes and stuff in, had found one she liked and expected me to buy it, i thought that was a bit odd so we agreed to go halfs on it, after a few months of her still not moving in she says she wants to keep her independance, ok i understand and say lets carry on as we are and review again in a few months. My life begins to get a little stressful, my business starts to go wrong, me and my brother fall out in a big way and then my mum is diagnosed with cancer. I get some support and advice from her but all the time this help seems to have conditions attached, her birthday comes round and a couple of weeks before she starts saying she has set a budget for my birthday of several hundred pounds and she thought i might like to consider doing the same, i explain that i think its an excessive amount to spend on each other and that we should not spend so much, she gets very annoyed. when her birthday arrives she looks at her present like it is crap (£200 it cost and was exactly what she requested) puts me down in front of her friends and says her card is not up to scratch and i should have got her something additional as a suprise. Anyway she goes off on business for a few days comes straight over to my house on her return and tells me she wants to end it as i am not romantic enough, thinls i am selfish, that she wants a commited relationship and with tears in her eyes tells me she loves me and she hopes she doesn't regret ending it, then she is gone. Over the course of the next few weeks i write to her and explain how i feel and what i would like, basically a secure loving committed long term relationship with her, she e mails me a couple of days later telling me she has no love for me because she felt over looked because i put my business, issues with my brother ect before her recently and that made her feel second best, and she wanted to be single for a while and that all i seemed bothered about is what was best for me. I decide it's best to try and meet some new people so put myself and my photo on a dating website, lo and behold a week or so later who puts a profile on the same site saying they want a long term thing and want to share and they love doing things for others, you guessed it! I really felt like this was a dig at me and a big kick in the teeth so i take my profile down, pack her last few things up and mail them off then email her saying good luck on the site, some of your stuff is on its way and i think its best we no longer have contact as i need to heal and move on, the next day i get an e mail saying thanks for sending my stuff and that she hopes all is going well in my life. WTF I guess what i want to know is what is this girl all about as i love her completely and unconditionally and accepted her warts and all and am having a really hard time getting over her and moving on, i am stuck on her and need some good advice as i want to be with her, but i really need to start moving on, what can i do? Anyone got any clue. I want to add that i'm a normal kind of man that didn't treat her bad, never swore or shouted was never violent, never cheated, perhaps the only negative things i did were not going out enough or on holiday enough and when i became really stressed with my problems (work, brother and mum) i lost my sex drive. Other than that i was really kind attentive affectionate and all the things you do when you love someone. Edited November 9, 2011 by confusioncentral additional info.
ChelseaLS Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Hi Everyone, I'm 37 She is 28. This is my first post and i need some points of view as i am struggling to see things objectivly. My Ex GF broke it off 2 months ago and i can't work it out. When we met she painted herself as the perfect girlfriend that would never try and change me, accept me for who i am and generally be a model partner. After a few weeks of dating she told me she wanted to tell me some stuff so there were no secrets between us, what followed was a flood of past problems as follows, Her mum was bi polar for many years and eventually committed suicide, she herself during this time attempted suicide, she spent a short amount of time homeless, experimented with her sexuallity, did drugs, lived with a severe self harming friend and felt responsible for her safety, worked as a stripper for a while, had several dysfuncional relationships and a few other things. When we first met she was at rock bottom living in someones spare room and v. insecure about her job, i encouraged her and helped her find the confidence to get back on her feet and get a place of her own. I did many caring thoughtfull things for her throughout our time together (nearly 2 years) A couple of times during our relationship when i was teasing her she accused me of trying to send her mad and make her ill like her mum was. whenever she supported me there was a condition attached, "I helped you and you never bought me flowers" she would say, or joking saying "i will help you renovate a house as long as you take me on holiday" I asked her to live with me after a year of dating and she agreed with much excitement quickly moving her things in to my place except for her day to day things like clothes, make up and the like, when i questioned her on this she said she needed a weardrobe to hang her clothes and stuff in, had found one she liked and expected me to buy it, i thought that was a bit odd so we agreed to go halfs on it, after a few months of her still not moving in she says she wants to keep her independance, ok i understand and say lets carry on as we are and review again in a few months. My life begins to get a little stressful, my business starts to go wrong, me and my brother fall out in a big way and then my mum is diagnosed with cancer. I get some support and advice from her but all the time this help seems to have conditions attached, her birthday comes round and a couple of weeks before she starts saying she has set a budget for my birthday of several hundred pounds and she thought i might like to consider doing the same, i explain that i think its an excessive amount to spend on each other and that we should not spend so much, she gets very annoyed. when her birthday arrives she looks at her present like it is crap (£200 it cost and was exactly what she requested) puts me down in front of her friends and says her card is not up to scratch and i should have got her something additional as a suprise. Anyway she goes off on business for a few days comes straight over to my house on her return and tells me she wants to end it as i am not romantic enough, thinls i am selfish, that she wants a commited relationship and with tears in her eyes tells me she loves me and she hopes she doesn't regret ending it, then she is gone. Over the course of the next few weeks i write to her and explain how i feel and what i would like, basically a secure loving committed long term relationship with her, she e mails me a couple of days later telling me she has no love for me because she felt over looked because i put my business, issues with my brother ect before her recently and that made her feel second best, and she wanted to be single for a while and that all i seemed bothered about is what was best for me. I decide it's best to try and meet some new people so put myself and my photo on a dating website, lo and behold a week or so later who puts a profile on the same site saying they want a long term thing and want to share and they love doing things for others, you guessed it! I really felt like this was a dig at me and a big kick in the teeth so i take my profile down, pack her last few things up and mail them off then email her saying good luck on the site, some of your stuff is on its way and i think its best we no longer have contact as i need to heal and move on, the next day i get an e mail saying thanks for sending my stuff and that she hopes all is going well in my life. WTF I guess what i want to know is what is this girl all about as i love her completely and unconditionally and accepted her warts and all and am having a really hard time getting over her and moving on, i am stuck on her and need some good advice as i want to be with her, but i really need to start moving on, what can i do? Anyone got any clue. I want to add that i'm a normal kind of man that didn't treat her bad, never swore or shouted was never violent, never cheated, perhaps the only negative things i did were not going out enough or on holiday enough and when i became really stressed with my problems (work, brother and mum) i lost my sex drive. Other than that i was really kind attentive affectionate and all the things you do when you love someone. I think she is very selfish. I think she wants it all... but it doesn't work that way. I am curious as to why she never moved all her stuff in... that strikes me as weird. If she wants to keep her independence then why would she bother moving anything at all in? Just keep a toothbursh there. She has a ton of issues she has clearly not worked through. She says you are going to drive her to be ill like her mum? Sounds like she is already on her way... sounds like she is manic depressive. It sounds like she is using you for your money, which makes me sad, due to all the hard work you put into getting her in a better place. I would suggest blocking her and avoiding her at all costs. Sounds like she is regreting letting you go and perhaps missing the money, so she is trying to make you hurt. That is my take on it.
Veryconfused12345 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Hmmm, so I wrote out a whole long response but not sure if it's been sent. Probably better if I streamline my thoughts a bit anyways. First of all, it sounds like you're a really loving supportive boyfriend and so of course you're confused by such a complete turn around. My guess is that this is a woman with some very deep rooted insecurity issues she hasn't dealt with. She found someone who was kind, supportive, and emotionally/financially generous and latched on as you gave her the security she hadn't had. The problem with this is she was looking for validation in the form of material expressions of love. The second she wrongly got it into her head that you weren't 100% engaged due to the normal distractions that pop up in life, she repressed herself and started moving away. The incredibly immature online dating incident you described is a sign she is trying to get a rise from you. As tempting as it is to get angry right now, my advice is to try to keep your composure and avoid contact. Perhaps just send her one message saying you are very grateful for the time you had together, you still love her, etc because then in her mind, she has no reason to protect herself from anger and withdraw. My bet is that's something she's very good at doing when things get bumpy. Your ex clearly needs to deal with some of the past trauma in her life and you can't be expected to do that for her. You can only be the same compassionate steady partner and give her a few months to start thinking positively about the relationship. As she knows how tough life can be, she probably isn't feeling as freed as she's giving you the impression she is. Retain your composure and wait for her to appreciate what you had in her own time...
Author confusioncentral Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Thanks Chelsea, I don't know about using me for money because she has a really good job that pays her well, as for not moving in i just dont get it like you said why bother, i think she liked the fantasy of it but not the reality if that makes sense and i think your right i need to just walk away and live a better life for myself. Very confused, Thank you for your thoughts, unfortunatly i did get angry and fired off an email telling her what i thought of her, basicly holding a mirror up so she could take a good look at herself, i'm atthe point where i'm not so sure i want her back because i dont think i can trust her not to do it again and i also think she isn't capable of appreciating what she had, so i have to believe its her loss and i am better without her, shame though because it really could have been the best.
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