lost a guy i thought was awesome, what's the lesson?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I agree with you Disenchantedly. If a guy is going to have a a lower opinion of you for having sex with him when HE initiated it, that's not a guy one would want to be with anyway right?

 

This might be true, but regardless - would you have preferred to find out that he was not a guy you'd want to be with before having sex with him?

 

If that's the case, then you'd be taking better care of yourself by getting to know a guy (and letting him get to know you) for a while before having sex.

 

Sure, he might have "strung you along," but unless he was a super master manipulator you would have had plenty of chances to learn what kind of a guy he was.

 

If it was fine for you to have one night of fun with him no matter what the outcome, then there is no problem. For the record, I don't think it is "wrong" for a woman or a man to have casual sex, though I do think it's "wrong" for people to use and / or mislead each other.

 

I don't think this was fine with you, though. Or you wouldn't have started this thread.

[Pierre]

This might be true, but regardless - would you have preferred to find out that he was not a guy you'd want to be with before having sex with him?

 

If that's the case, then you'd be taking better care of yourself by getting to know a guy (and letting him get to know you) for a while before having sex.

 

Sure, he might have "strung you along," but unless he was a super master manipulator you would have had plenty of chances to learn what kind of a guy he was.

 

If it was fine for you to have one night of fun with him no matter what the outcome, then there is no problem. For the record, I don't think it is "wrong" for a woman or a man to have casual sex, though I do think it's "wrong" for people to use and / or mislead each other.

 

I don't think this was fine with you, though. Or you wouldn't have started this thread.

Good post;)

[razz90]

thanks for (some of) the useful replies. Yeah, i get it, i was foolish. I trusted someone I should'nt have. My instincts were wrong. My plan of living in the moment and not overthinking anything and not working out what I actually wanted didn't quite work as planned haha.

But whatever. I'm 21, i havent had much sex/dating experience (seriousely, only dated a few guys, only had sex 3 times in my life, never been in a 'real' relationship...).

But i guess these kind of experiences need to happen to me so I can learn and grow. You all seem really shocked at how blind i was to the situation, But we only learn with experience and mistakes right? At least now I won't make the same mistake again. I have no regrets in the end. So i slept with a jerk. Whatever, I'm not perfect. And i accept that.

[phillyfan]

ok, well this is what i was thinking when i finalyl did sleep with him. Both times we hung out HE asked me to his place, and HE kept kisisng me and wanting sex. I mean, why would a guy think any less of a girl for sleeping with him so soon since HE DID EXACTLY THE SAME?!?!

The first time i was thinking exactly what you're telling me "i need to make him work for me", but the second time, i was horny and he was hot and i was thinking 'whats the point of playing games and denying him sex even though we both know both of us want it". At that point i realized he probably isn't boyfriend material, but i dunno maybe he could be a f*** buddy or something..I mean is it worth trying to manipulate something and try and get a relationship out of someone who isn't looking for one in the first place?

I asked him the night i didnt sleep with him that i wasn't looking for a one night stand, and asked what he's looking for and he told me "i don't know, i'm new here...etc" (he just moved to my city). So...i didnt know. I just decided to go with the flow and see what happened.

And he did stay in touch after we slept together which made me think i wasn't just a one night stand.

And arrgh i just don't know what to do anymore.

 

Dude in ur 1st post, it basicly said 'he was into me, tried 2 have sex 1st date, we waited until 2nd date 2 hav sex, then afta sex he cooled off'. Girl, hes a playa and he aint no prize, classic playa behavior. He kept a littl text action 2 keep the door open.

 

Me, I aint judgin, if u wanna hav fun just do ur thing, have sex, have fun BUT sum dudes (like this dude) r the hit it & quit it type - pretty imature.

 

So the lesson is 1) ur thinkin 2 littl of urself if u think this dude is a prize and 2) if a dude wants sex on date 1, hes pretty much just afta sex, period - and he aint no gent.

[Pierre]

thanks for (some of) the useful replies. Yeah, i get it, i was foolish. I trusted someone I should'nt have. My instincts were wrong. My plan of living in the moment and not overthinking anything and not working out what I actually wanted didn't quite work as planned haha.

But whatever. I'm 21, i havent had much sex/dating experience (seriousely, only dated a few guys, only had sex 3 times in my life, never been in a 'real' relationship...).

But i guess these kind of experiences need to happen to me so I can learn and grow. You all seem really shocked at how blind i was to the situation, But we only learn with experience and mistakes right? At least now I won't make the same mistake again. I have no regrets in the end. So i slept with a jerk. Whatever, I'm not perfect. And i accept that.

At 21 anyone can make an error.

 

Just learn one thing:

 

Some men will say what you want to hear and they will become irresistible to you. Sometimes, the guy that is not that smooth or trying to hard may be more sincere.

 

In addition, there are some things that you can learn without going through a negative experience.

 

Get to know these men and take it slow. In the end you will be rewarded.

[Pierre]

Yes, one of the billions from every culture and society. One would think that women such as the OP would have learned this by now. Humans are social animals and have evolved preferences for long term partners. A major criteria is the monogamous nature of the female being selected as a potential mate.

 

The less promiscuous a woman, the more value she has in the eyes of most males. This is a reality from the Orient to Latin Countries to the Middle East to India, etc.

 

"Hi mom, i'd like you to meet my new girlfriend. she's had sex with a dozen other guys and we had sex on our first date. She's just the gal you want to have your grandchildren". Not going to go over too well except in 1% of social structures.

 

 

A new car often runs better than an old car.:laugh:

[ffw]

A new car often runs better than an old car.:laugh:

 

or its better to go with an old cat than a new & hot one....

[Untouchable_Fire]

Then next time women act on their instinct, such as using a man for money or having one man's baby while settling for the better provider in another man, I will justify these actions because of pure "instinct".I will justify my right to hurt and use men based on "biology" instead of owning my own actions. Because that is really all you are advocating for.

 

You don't think I get what your saying. But I do. You want to be able to behave anyway that feels good for *you* while holding women accountable for how *you* as a man act. YOu dont not want responsibility or accountibility for how you as a man decides to behave and treat other people. Good men don't do that. Men that are weak and selfish do.

 

You have the ability to be a better kind of man. What kind of man are you? One that happily uses women and justifies that use or a man that has control over himself and exercises that control with pride to be the kind of a man a woman would really respect? The choice is yours. Not any woman's.

 

I get what your saying, but women have to take the majority of responsibility in this situation, because they hold most of the cards. Most guys don't really get that much choice.

 

With power comes responsibility. Responsibility means accountability.

 

thanks for (some of) the useful replies. Yeah, i get it, i was foolish. I trusted someone I should'nt have. My instincts were wrong. My plan of living in the moment and not overthinking anything and not working out what I actually wanted didn't quite work as planned haha.

But whatever. I'm 21, i havent had much sex/dating experience (seriousely, only dated a few guys, only had sex 3 times in my life, never been in a 'real' relationship...).

But i guess these kind of experiences need to happen to me so I can learn and grow. You all seem really shocked at how blind i was to the situation, But we only learn with experience and mistakes right? At least now I won't make the same mistake again. I have no regrets in the end. So i slept with a jerk. Whatever, I'm not perfect. And i accept that.

 

So you have been with 3 guys but never had a relationship? Do you want a relationship?

 

Look, I've known convicted rapists that wouldn't judge you for sleeping around or being easy... and some of the most fantastic guys I've ever met wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole if you tried to put out on the first date. Also the reverse is true. You can't judge the quality of a guy based on that.

 

You can keep putting out right away, and most guys will bounce... but eventually one will stick. It sounds like this is your preferred method, so stick to it. Nothing wrong with that... just don't get so hard of heart that you miss the guy that likes you.

[Negative Nancy]

Then next time women act on their instinct, such as using a man for money or having one man's baby while settling for the better provider in another man, I will justify these actions because of pure "instinct".I will justify my right to hurt and use men based on "biology" instead of owning my own actions. Because that is really all you are advocating for.

 

You don't think I get what your saying. But I do. You want to be able to behave anyway that feels good for *you* while holding women accountable for how *you* as a man act. YOu dont not want responsibility or accountibility for how you as a man decides to behave and treat other people. Good men don't do that. Men that are weak and selfish do.

 

If you really believe in the stuff you just said above, then never again should you dare get angry at women that mistreat and use men and can easily justify it on the back of their own instinct. Otherwise you're not only a user of women but you are a hypocrite.

 

Now you can run around saying "hey it's unfair but oh well" all you want, or you can step up to the plate and be a different kind of man. Since you have the intelligence enough to understand what I am saying and see the value in it, then you have the intelligence enough to exercise some self control and be the man a woman needs you to be. And no woman needs you to be a loser that holds her accountable for the actions you knowingly choose to engage in while discriminating against her the entire time. Which is really what your doing. You don't want to be responsible for yourself. So you engage in behavior that enable you to use a woman and stroke your own ego at the same time telling yourself your better then this woman for doing teh same exact thing you've done.

 

You have the ability to be a better kind of man. What kind of man are you? One that happily uses women and justifies that use or a man that has control over himself and exercises that control with pride to be the kind of a man a woman would really respect? The choice is yours. Not any woman's.

 

very good posting. next time a man complains about being treated as a walking wallet, i will just tell him "sorry, that was just my instinct. men are supposed to be moral gate keepers of their wallets, so if he's OPENING his legs, ahem, his wallet on the first date, it's not my fault. i do not WANT men to be the gatekeeper of their wallets, in fact i wish they would open up the wallet the second they meet me and spend all their dough on me, but i recognize he must be a prize and a very smart spender if he keeps his wallet closed for some time. so when he finally opens his wallet for me, it makes me feel so much more special." etc...

[razz90]

I get what your saying, but women have to take the majority of responsibility in this situation, because they hold most of the cards. Most guys don't really get that much choice.

 

With power comes responsibility. Responsibility means accountability.

 

 

 

So you have been with 3 guys but never had a relationship? Do you want a relationship?

 

Look, I've known convicted rapists that wouldn't judge you for sleeping around or being easy... and some of the most fantastic guys I've ever met wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole if you tried to put out on the first date. Also the reverse is true. You can't judge the quality of a guy based on that.

 

You can keep putting out right away, and most guys will bounce... but eventually one will stick. It sounds like this is your preferred method, so stick to it. Nothing wrong with that... just don't get so hard of heart that you miss the guy that likes you.

 

 

Thanks for the wise words haha.

in answer to your question...i'm not really sure what i want. On the one hand, I like being single and i might like a casual relationship (FWB) if i met someone i enjoyed being with but was also attracted to. (i wanted this with the original guy, but i dunno maybe FWB in real life is more benefits less friend?)

On the other hand, i seem to fall for guys hard (as you've probably noticed).

 

Thing is, i hardly EVER meet a guy i really want to be with - someone i connect with on a personality level AND who i find attractive. So when i do it's like I don't want to lose him. And this tends to cloud my judgement

I just have a lot of love haha and no-one to give it to. I love the feeling of having a guy in my life who makes my heart skip a beat when i think of him, and who feels the same for me.

 

It's just difficult because I've sort of been thrown in the deep end. I went to an all girls high school and had ZERO male friends till i was about 19 yrs old. I can't talk to this much with my female friends because most have no relationship/sexual experience. I tend to get on better with guys to be honest, most of my close friends are male. And i get all my advice from them lol.

Also, it seems most guys i meet just want no strings attached sex. I live in london, where most people aren';t living her permanently so ofcourse it's hard to find a man who wants a relationship or even to just date. The students at my university tend to be way to immature for me and/or also just want sex. I go to weekly social meets where I tend to meet alot of people, though alot of guys who are interested in me and make a move are too old for me or guys i find unattractive :/

 

So my experience is very limited, hence my lack of 'game' when it comes to these things.

 

also, just something i remembered and that i find interesting... When i went to the USA for 2 weeks last xmas i got hit on more in those 2 weeks than probably an entire year in london (that's just being out and about, not actually going to places to meet people). Same happened when I was in paris.

I guess Londoners tend to be very reserved :/

 

Anyway i'm really glad i found these forums, i think it will make this whole dating/relationship game alot easier!

[Pierre]

Op:

 

At age 21 many women are thirsty to mate. That is quite normal and to be expected. At this age you will also feel horny 24/7 because of biology. Your maker wants you to procreate and that is why you feel the way you do.

 

I am certain there are young men in your age group that want a girl friend rather than aFB. In any event you should not go the fwb route. Most young women that fall in love easy get hurt.

 

All I can suggest to you is not to have sex right away. If a guy stops paying attention because you did not have sex then he is a loser. If the guy is a nice man he will continue to see you and go steady with you. Then you will see that having sex with your steady

[Negative Nancy]

When I'm in the USA, I attract girls like crazy.

 

when i'm in the U.S., people merely tell me their lame-ass stories about how everyone of them has at least one relative in my home country or "knows" someone there from this and that town (oh yeah? do you think i know every single person in a town that has thousands and thousands of people, not to mention your relative?).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

i'm sad because i thought he was such a great guy.

 

 

He wasn't...

 

I just want to learn from this experience

 

 

Far too many people will rule-out everything but the obvious, mentioned above.