lost a guy i thought was awesome, what's the lesson?

[razz90]

So i'll try and keep this as short as possible..

I met this guy who i instantly clicked with, we had so much in common, and i felt amazing. That night i get home and he texts me which i thought was sweet. Later that week I initiate a text convo and he ends up wanting to meet up on monday. So we meet up, have a fantastic time, then end up at his place... He clearly wanted to have sex but i didn't because i felt it was going too fast etc. So i slept over and left the next morning. He then initiated a text convo and even said we should see a comedy show soon.(so i applied for free tickets and happened to get tickets to show with a comedian we both liked). The next week i happened to be at the bar we met and i texted him, he texted saying he was around so we met up, again went to his place, this time we did have sex.

That night he started a text convo, but when i replied, didn't reply till two days later as he was busy. On the saturday i was near where he lived (i told him i'd be there and if he wanted to come and he said yeah sure he'd text me but he never texted to confirm), so i called him, he missed it, he called later i missed it, so i texted to say i was around but i guess he was sleeping. At night he texted to say he was sleeping and asked when the comedy was. I told him on monday that it was that saturday. I didn't hear from him all week, then asked him on Fri if he was interested. He apologized for the late reply and said he was waiting for a friend to confirm if he was staying at his over the weekend, and that he couldnt make it. A few hours later i got a missed call from him (it was so annoying i kept missing his calls because i really wanted to gauge his attitude from talking to him as texts dont tell u anything) and he also texted asking if i was free that night and wanted to meet up. At that point I was a bit confused. On the one hand he didn't even get back to me about the comedy, but on the other he still wanted to see me?! Anyway i texted to say i wasn't free, made some cheesy joke and asked how he was etc. 4 days later, no reply. Now, there was another comedy on wed which i told him i'd get back to him about, so i called him on tuesday to confirm i couldnt make it, no answer. The next day he texted to apologize for missing my call. I didnt drag on a text conversation because i really couldnt be bothered.

And then on Thurs i happened to notice he was on facebook chat (first time i've seen him there) so i was like 'yo' and had a short chat before he had to go 'study'.

 

Anyway, thats pretty much the whole story. I'm convinced i'll never hear from him again, and i'm sad because i thought he was such a great guy. Even to be just friends would make me happy. And i've been beating myself up over calling or texting him too often (esp talking to him on FB) because i wonder if I pushed him away. On the other hand I was the one who initiated the text convos the 2nd and 3rd time we met up, even though most dating sites would probably say i shouldnt have, and both times it turned out great - he wanted to meet up and we did. I just sort of lived on impulse and did what i felt like in that moment. When he didnt text me i was able to forget about him and live my life, but when he did, those strong feelings came back and i just wanted to be in touch with him. it's so damn frustrating. Looking back at it there were probably some red flags at the start (including the fact he kept wanting sex the first night together), but I didn't want to assume things you know? Also he could have just been very busy like he said and/or forgot.

 

I just want to learn from this experience and do the right thing next time. Do i just wait around for a guy to contact ME even if I really want to contact him? I've been told ya gotta take risks in life, **** waiting around, go and get what u want. But clearly this doesn't apply to dating. It's just so confusing. I just wish people would be honest with each other. I NEED to learn from this experience and not screw up next time. But i don't know how!

 

Would appreciate any thoughts/opinions/perspective.

 

thanks for reading.

[Emilia]

I think he tried to keep it casual with you for whatever reason, I have experienced this before. Hence his trying to arrange things last minute, putting his friend before you rather than commit to your comedy idea.

 

I think he isn't ready to date you properly. I don't know whether he likes you but I think he is only after sex at the moment and something casual.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I agree with Emilia, Razz.

 

The lesson in this is that despite the beginning stages of interest in someone having the potential to be very exciting, sometimes your same feelings aren't always recipocated exactly the same way. From the information you gave, he didn't really do anything that amazing or truely sweet. Raise your expectatoins a little, realize *you* are the prize that he has to prove himself too. If you take up this mentality, you take some of the pressure off you to perform a certain way. Instead of worrying about him liking you, you think more about if you really even like him.

 

But you were smart, and you didn't have sex with him. Should something like this happen again, the lesson is to wait and let a man show you his true colors before jumping too deeply into things all by yourself. Such as having sex or wrapping up overly romantic ideals in him when he hasn't done anything to prove himself to you. Too many guys today just expect to be given everything with no effort. Make them do a little work to earn you. Always wait to have sex until a commitment has been established and you know he is going to stick around.

[phineas]

I agree with Emilia, Razz.

 

The lesson in this is that despite the beginning stages of interest in someone having the potential to be very exciting, sometimes your same feelings aren't always recipocated exactly the same way. From the information you gave, he didn't really do anything that amazing or truely sweet. Raise your expectatoins a little, realize *you* are the prize that he has to prove himself too. If you take up this mentality, you take some of the pressure off you to perform a certain way. Instead of worrying about him liking you, you think more about if you really even like him.

 

This is good advice.

It's basically the same advice I follow when dealing with women.

 

But you were smart, and you didn't have sex with him. Should something like this happen again, the lesson is to wait and let a man show you his true colors before jumping too deeply into things all by yourself. Such as having sex or wrapping up overly romantic ideals in him when he hasn't done anything to prove himself to you. Too many guys today just expect to be given everything with no effort. Make them do a little work to earn you. Always wait to have sex until a commitment has been established and you know he is going to stick around.

 

Now, on the flip-side of this, sex with the woman is a good sign she is going to stick around because a lot of women love to waste a guys time when their bored & need to be entertained until they find a guy they really want to be with.

 

So i've dated women for almost 2 months getting to know them, no sex only to have them *poof* and all of a sudden "dating" someone else.

 

And when I say "date" I mean sex.

 

Now I don't expect a woman to put out right away but if two people following this advice & mutually working to show the other person they are worth it were to meet good things can happen.

 

But we wind up getting wow'd by looks & personality & ignore the red flags so we wind up wasting time on people that let us believe they want the same things.

 

OP, I hope the sex was at least good.

[KathyM]

You need to value yourself and not be so quick to give it away to any guy you meet. By sleeping over on the first date and having sex on the second date, you've shown him you don't put a lot of importance on an emotional connection, and that is why he called you at the last minute for a booty call and didn't seem that interested in actually dating you. Also, I wouldn't recommend appearing so overly eager and available. You pursued him too much to the point of him not valuing you because of it. Men do like the chase. It's in their nature. You've offered yourself up on a silver platter from the get go. That's not what men respect and have a desire to pursue. That's someone they'll make a last minute call to for a booty call. Don't put yourself into that position again. Let him be the pursuer. If he is interested, he will pursue. If he's not, and this guy was not, then it would be a waste of your time to pursue him anyway.

[Mrlonelyone]

Don't have sex with a man unless he shows real interest in you. i.e. make him have to work a little more for it.

 

Things that are won too easily are devalued.

[razz90]

ok, well this is what i was thinking when i finalyl did sleep with him. Both times we hung out HE asked me to his place, and HE kept kisisng me and wanting sex. I mean, why would a guy think any less of a girl for sleeping with him so soon since HE DID EXACTLY THE SAME?!?!

The first time i was thinking exactly what you're telling me "i need to make him work for me", but the second time, i was horny and he was hot and i was thinking 'whats the point of playing games and denying him sex even though we both know both of us want it". At that point i realized he probably isn't boyfriend material, but i dunno maybe he could be a f*** buddy or something..I mean is it worth trying to manipulate something and try and get a relationship out of someone who isn't looking for one in the first place?

I asked him the night i didnt sleep with him that i wasn't looking for a one night stand, and asked what he's looking for and he told me "i don't know, i'm new here...etc" (he just moved to my city). So...i didnt know. I just decided to go with the flow and see what happened.

And he did stay in touch after we slept together which made me think i wasn't just a one night stand.

And arrgh i just don't know what to do anymore.

[Mrlonelyone]

@razz

 

There are two big reasons that men devalue women they sleep with easily.

 

One of those reasons is a deep and primal drive to mate with a variety of partners. Women have this drive too...but they have a more evolved need to bond emotionally than men.

 

 

The other reason is culture.

 

Our culture, in the USA at least developed from groups of people who were downright prudish by our standards. The Anglicans of Jamestown and the Puritans of Plymouth were both very judgemental of womens morality. The Africans and Amerindians too had their own versions of this. Just read the Scarlet Letter to see what I mean.

 

Inspite of all our openness and "equality" people still have these deep seated drives and cultural norms ingrained. 40 years of "sexual revolution" is not going to reverse 300 million years of evolution, and thousands of years of cultural development.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Razz - I thought you didn't sleep with him. My mistake.

 

It's not fair but men have double standards about female sexuality. It scares them that women could have more control over their sexuality then they do. So they built in these mechnisms that he is allowed to do anything he pleases sexually and she is suppose to only want to do sexual things with him. They can't stand the idea that another man has gone somewhere before him...Yes, he did exactly the same thing but that won't stop him from holding it against you because of the double standard. It would be nice if we didn't have to play such games but sadly you do. Men are not yet evolved enough to accept the idea that women have a sex drive just like they do. They still want women to be the moral gate keepers because they don't want the responsibility to be the gate keeperse for themselves. They want to be able to say things like "i'm a guy so it's okay if I treat women like this". It absolves them of any responsibility. However, you can still control the situation by making him really work for it and not giving him sex until you are sure he sticks around. And in the meantime, sleep with men you aren't serious about if you have to. Again, it would be nice not to have to do those kind of things but since some men still force double standards on women, then a woman has to do what she has to do to get hers.

 

You moved too soon. You got too intimate with a man that didn't earn it. Don't let it happen again and you won't feel like this. You put too much stock in a man that showed you very little of himself.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

@razz

 

There are two big reasons that men devalue women they sleep with easily.

 

One of those reasons is a deep and primal drive to mate with a variety of partners. Women have this drive too...but they have a more evolved need to bond emotionally than men.

 

I hate when we tell women men are just animals that need to use and toss women aside but women are these beings that need all this emtional bonding that men don't need. That isn't about primal drive. That's about selfish drive and wanting to abuse people for your own purposes. And that's not what being a man is about in my book.

[Yookie]

You absolutely do not want to manipulate someone who doesn't want a relationship in the first place but you owe it to yourself to find out what his relationship goals are BEFORE you put yourself out there. The only way to do that is to let him show you through consistant actions.

 

In this case his actions show he really just wanted a f-buddy and when you asked him he said he didnt know which basically means you should fall back until such time that he has positive things to say about a future with you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

@razz

 

 

One of those reasons is a deep and primal drive to mate with a variety of partners. Women have this drive too...but they have a more evolved need to bond emotionally than men.

 

Do you know that dogs and horses (and other animals, but my experience is limited to those) are easily trained to override almost all of their "primal urges" every day? I swear, it's true. If you visited my training facility, I could show you. Yes, the "primal drives" are still there; the animals are just not acting upon them.

 

People also can and do, through CHOICE, socialization, teaching and learning, as well as evolution (towards "domestication" and away from "primal urges," which is also evident in the journey of canines towards domestication), behave counter to their "primal drives." THANK GOD!

 

 

The other reason is culture.

 

No argument about that.

 

OP, fair or not fair, if you feel like enjoying sexy time with a guy you have recently met, please be ready for things to end there. It frequently will be the case. It's not only because of a double standard, either - though that's certainly out there. Sometimes, the inspiration to get to know you better simply is lacking, even though the guy found you sexy. If you will be hurt if you have sex before you know the guy is interested in getting to know you well, or before you have defined parameters of a relationship with him - then maybe you need to wait longer.

[razz90]

ok, so having sex with a guy you want something more with is a bad idea. Thing is, i had no idea what i wanted. Maybe i just wanted a **** buddy maybe something more.

 

Thing is, if a relationship was AT ALL possible, would be have been soo keen to get into my pants? I mean even after I said 'wer'e not having sex, he still kept trying. Also when I told him how I felt he was like "i agree we have a lot in common, you're a special girl" - just a line to get into my pants? Who knows..

 

Do you guys reckon he would've lost interest even if I hadn't slept with him? Cuz i am starting to wonder..

[Pierre]

I just want to learn from this experience and do the right thing next time. Do i just wait around for a guy to contact ME even if I really want to contact him? I've been told ya gotta take risks in life, **** waiting around, go and get what u want. But clearly this doesn't apply to dating. It's just so confusing. I just wish people would be honest with each other. I NEED to learn from this experience and not screw up next time. But i don't know how!

 

Would appreciate any thoughts/opinions/perspective.

 

thanks for reading.

 

Every day i read a post about a female that is a victim of the "SEx too soon SYNDROME". I am sure there are some exceptions with happy endings, but in the majority of cases the end result is very similar to your story.

 

Some women in the forum have learned and they will not have sex with the guy unless they are BF/GF and committed. In that manner they don't get burn anymore.

 

This guy just wanted to f****k you, nothing else.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Would appreciate any thoughts/opinions/perspective.

thanks for reading.

 

You slept with him on the second date... then suddenly it got hard to connect with him. Hmm.....?

 

Your worried that you were too available for contact? Dumb concern!

 

Look, you contact a guy however much you want... but don't start having sex. The guys who are actually interested in YOU will stick around. The guys that are just interested in your VAGINA will go away.

 

It is just mind boggling to me how a situation like this can occur and you literally walk out with the completely wrong idea of why this guy is fading on you... and what might bring him back.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Her value went up a million times in my eyes.

 

That's because you expected her to be your personal moral gate keeper, where she was the strong one having to "fight" you off while you got to be the weak one and self indulge yourself. Are you honestly saying that if she had sex with you, you would have dumped her or even been disappoineted?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

No. I said her value went up as a potential long term mate.. Guys who want sex are not 'weak'. Guys have wanted sex since we walked upright. Males and females have evolved over the eons and to have different roles in the mating game. It's a no brainer in evolutionary biology that the sexes chose partners according to potential propagation criteria.

 

Nothing you said denies the fact that you wanted her to be your personal moral gate keeper.

 

Guys who want sex, make a move on a woman to engage her in sex, then hold it against her for engaging in the same behavior he wanted, yes, are weak.

 

Guys that take respect in the woman they are with, don't make the move to begin with because they want to treat that woman with respect. You didn't treat her with respect. Yet you give her props because she denied your disrespecful treatment while you acted like you accompolished something in the process when you didn't.

 

Men that expect women to be their moral gate keepers, make moves, and then either hold it against the woman or not depending on what she does, absolving himself of any responsibility, are both weak and selfish.

 

Now you can keep spewing stuff about "biology" and nonsense that you think justifies your own behavior but what it comes down to is you wanted her to not only take responsbility for her actions but you wanted her to take responsibilty for yours too. To the extent that you could treat her with disrespect by attempting to get sex with even though you know it would have lowered your opinion of her despite the fact that YOU played a key role in it.

 

You are over romanticing something that really shows a mentality where you expected her to be your moral gate keeper while you got to act any way you wanted toward her, which was really quite disrespectful toward her to grab her and expect to get some sex when you knew it would have lowered your opinion of her.

[razz90]

I agree with you Disenchantedly. If a guy is going to have a a lower opinion of you for having sex with him when HE initiated it, that's not a guy one would want to be with anyway right?

 

As per my situation, I feel pretty stupid. I didnt even realize it had anything to do with the fact I slept with him. And I can't believe I even slept with him to begin with. On one hand i actually believed his lies ("this isn't going to be a ONS, you';re a special girl! etc), but on the other it's so obvious all he wanted was sex. He didn't show much interest in getting to know me as a person.

But now I wonder, even if I didn't have sex with him, would be have just strung me along, and continued to lie to me, until finally I slept with him, and then he'd toss me aside? In which case I would be even more hurt because i'm probably have developed even stronger feelings for him...

 

It's just so damn annoying I can't seem to tell the jerks from the genuine guys until it's too late...

[Disenchantedly Yours]

You have to work on not falling too fast. And to have your feelings build on *real* things a man does for you that are important. Not just because he showed up or texted you. Raise the bar a little.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Heeeeessss Baaacccck

[Pierre]

I agree with you Disenchantedly. If a guy is going to have a a lower opinion of you for having sex with him when HE initiated it, that's not a guy one would want to be with anyway right?

 

As per my situation, I feel pretty stupid. I didnt even realize it had anything to do with the fact I slept with him. And I can't believe I even slept with him to begin with. On one hand i actually believed his lies ("this isn't going to be a ONS, you';re a special girl! etc), but on the other it's so obvious all he wanted was sex. He didn't show much interest in getting to know me as a person.

 

 

 

There is one born everyday.

 

The fact that you could not see he wanted sex and nothing else is astounding. However, this generally happens to women that are receptive to smooth talk. These are women that thrive on external validation and smooth players can spot them a mile away.

 

Your need for external validation is so strong that you sleep with the guy right away and fail to make the connection as to what is going on. IF you have a brother or a father. Ask them how some men think, that may be useful to you.

 

But now I wonder, even if I didn't have sex with him, would be have just strung me along, and continued to lie to me, until finally I slept with him, and then he'd toss me aside? In which case I would be even more hurt because i'm probably have developed even stronger feelings for him...

 

It's just so damn annoying I can't seem to tell the jerks from the genuine guys until it's too late...

 

 

If the guy is an SOB smooth player he would give up the chase if you do not put out. If the guy is a good guy he continues the chase because he is interested in you and not just your vagina.

 

BTW, don't sleep with men you barely know; you are playing with fire.

 

You are hurt because you slept with him. If he had disappeared in the same manner and you did not sleep with him it would not be that bad.

[Dusk1983]

Nothing you said denies the fact that you wanted her to be your personal moral gate keeper.

 

To the extent that you could treat her with disrespect by attempting to get sex with even though you know it would have lowered your opinion of her despite the fact that YOU played a key role in it.

 

I understand what you're saying and YES it is unfair, inequitable and ethically messed up, but, I'm afraid that's the reality of how we work.

 

We DON'T WANT you to be the gatekeeper. We want there to be no gate. We want to bypass the gate completely, waltz right in and take the prize. That's our number one instinct in life, always has been, always will be, and why you are here today reading this forum.

 

But IF you deny what we want, we can see the gate is there, and it's strong. And therefore, so must the person be that's controlling it. Like a fortune in a bank vault, versus a penny lying on the floor - we know that what's 'behind the gate' must be worth having and that if we get access, we're probably in a select group. WAll of this makes us desire AND respect you.

 

It might be unfair, but it's also really simple, and actually follows the rules of respect in any other sphere of life.

Edited November 10, 2011 by Dusk1983

[Pierre]

The female is almost always discriminant before deciding to mate in most species. When women lose the ability to discriminate they choose very poorly.

[Emilia]

I understand what you're saying and YES it is unfair, inequitable and ethically messed up, but, I'm afraid that's the reality of how we work.

 

We DON'T WANT you to be the gatekeeper. We want there to be no gate. We want to bypass the gate completely, waltz right in and take the prize. That's our number one instinct in life, always has been, always will be, and why you are here today reading this forum.

 

But IF you deny what we want, we can see the gate is there, and it's strong. And therefore, so must the person be that's controlling it. Like a fortune in a bank vault, versus a penny lying on the floor - we know that what's 'behind the gate' must be worth having and that if we get access, we're probably in a select group. WAll of this makes us desire AND respect you.

 

It might be unfair, but it's also really simple, and actually follows the rules of respect in any other sphere of life.

 

Another one with a madonna/whore complex

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I understand what you're saying and YES it is unfair, inequitable and ethically messed up, but, I'm afraid that's the reality of how we work.

 

We DON'T WANT you to be the gatekeeper. We want there to be no gate. We want to bypass the gate completely, waltz right in and take the prize. That's our number one instinct in life, always has been, always will be, and why you are here today reading this forum.

 

But IF you deny what we want, we can see the gate is there, and it's strong. And therefore, so must the person be that's controlling it. Like a fortune in a bank vault, versus a penny lying on the floor - we know that what's 'behind the gate' must be worth having and that if we get access, we're probably in a select group. WAll of this makes us desire AND respect you.

 

It might be unfair, but it's also really simple, and actually follows the rules of respect in any other sphere of life.

 

Then next time women act on their instinct, such as using a man for money or having one man's baby while settling for the better provider in another man, I will justify these actions because of pure "instinct".I will justify my right to hurt and use men based on "biology" instead of owning my own actions. Because that is really all you are advocating for.

 

You don't think I get what your saying. But I do. You want to be able to behave anyway that feels good for *you* while holding women accountable for how *you* as a man act. YOu dont not want responsibility or accountibility for how you as a man decides to behave and treat other people. Good men don't do that. Men that are weak and selfish do.

 

If you really believe in the stuff you just said above, then never again should you dare get angry at women that mistreat and use men and can easily justify it on the back of their own instinct. Otherwise you're not only a user of women but you are a hypocrite.

 

Now you can run around saying "hey it's unfair but oh well" all you want, or you can step up to the plate and be a different kind of man. Since you have the intelligence enough to understand what I am saying and see the value in it, then you have the intelligence enough to exercise some self control and be the man a woman needs you to be. And no woman needs you to be a loser that holds her accountable for the actions you knowingly choose to engage in while discriminating against her the entire time. Which is really what your doing. You don't want to be responsible for yourself. So you engage in behavior that enable you to use a woman and stroke your own ego at the same time telling yourself your better then this woman for doing teh same exact thing you've done.

 

You have the ability to be a better kind of man. What kind of man are you? One that happily uses women and justifies that use or a man that has control over himself and exercises that control with pride to be the kind of a man a woman would really respect? The choice is yours. Not any woman's.