monkey00 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I didn't mean to generalize but when I have seen plenty other women do it, it is hard not to. Anyway my gf or ex (whatever you call it) keeps playing these dumb games, and this is the 3rd time that we've broken up and I know she secretly still wants to be with me. She's a good girl and I know she would never cheat on me but it's getting annoying everytime. Let's start from the beginning shall we: 1st time: She moved out of my apartment when I wasn't home. And did not find out until she texted me while I was at work. We had a horrible argument the day before. It seemed pretty serious at that point since moving out is a big deal, and while I was upset and mad and did not want to break up. I told her I deserve to be treated better by someone else and will date other people. Later that night she called me to meet up and discussed that we're still together but working out the kinks. For several weeks we behave like friends, eventually she wants me to take her back and I do. 2nd time: We had an argument on a date (which I instigated), I thought she made a big deal out of nothing. Anyway for a whole week she remained mad at me about it and eventually wanted to break up. I tried so hard to convince her not to do this. Eventually I accepted it and decided to let go and told her I was ready to move on and I wanted her to be happy. That same day we got back together. 3rd time (recently): We had a disagreement on a date activity, either that it was miscommunication. She was behaving weird all week. Again for some reason it built up inside her and she had thoughts running through her head. Then we're hanging out and eventually we have a conversation about it and she wants us to be friends again and doesn't think we should be together (for all her numerous reasons/excuses/hypothetical incompatible future, etc.), and me still trying to convince her that we should be together and that she's freaking out for no reason. But at the same time with all this, she still treats me like I'm her bf through her actions. I will walk away from this if she truly wants this, but she absolutely wants me to be friends and wants to hangout with me often. When I reject her and tell her no, I don't roll that way I can see how upset she is in her eyes. As of now I'm back to being an ex or friend. I'm sick of these games, and I don't really know what she wants from me. Whenever she realizes I'm willing to walk away and do NC she wants me back. The highs are good, and the lows do make me miserable sometimes. For the experts or girls, why is she doing this? And what does she want from me?
TigerCub Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Monkey, She's playing these games simply because you're playing with her. If every time you say 'ok, fine walk' then she wants to work it out, you take her back - why would it change? If you want these games to stop, you need to stop your role in playing back. If she wants to walk, let her walk and go NC for a while, because if you guys "break up" and are still friends and hanging out, it will slide back to dating again. But you're playing along. She sounds immature, and I think you're both addicted to the drama.
yme30 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 When did this start? She is playen you for a sucker because she know's when ever she needs you, you will be there!!! You need to be bold with her. Tell her to cut the **** or leave!!! But then again from what it sounds like you are one of those who gives in to her every need anyway (not to be rude). STOP IT!!! Leave her and act like you don't give a **** about her and I bet she will stop her crap!
Author monkey00 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Monkey, She's playing these games simply because you're playing with her. If every time you say 'ok, fine walk' then she wants to work it out, you take her back - why would it change? If you want these games to stop, you need to stop your role in playing back. If she wants to walk, let her walk and go NC for a while, because if you guys "break up" and are still friends and hanging out, it will slide back to dating again. But you're playing along. She sounds immature, and I think you're both addicted to the drama. To correct myself, the first time in the argument I actually told her to move out, it came out of anger but I didn't mean it. From what I know the first time she cried, the second time she was sad, third I don't know yet. What you're saying makes sense. I really do wonder if someone behind her (like her sister) is influencing her to do these things. Her sister can be a very manipulative evil person. Truthfully though I don't think I'm addicted to the drama, I only react to it because she causes the drama...or rollercoaster. I also feel like the last 2 times it happened, it was over something silly and small. I don't think she's immature, but I feel like she can be very unreasonable and emotional over silly things. Sometimes I wonder if she's mentally unstable or if she's the one addicted to the drama.
Quiet Storm Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 This is what I think... It's about control. And punishment. I have seen many women do this. They realize have issues with their partner, discover some things they don't like about their partner or find out they're not compatible with their partner. But they love their partner and don't want to break up with him. They want to change him, to mold him into being her "ideal man". So when he does something she doesn't like, when he argues or makes decisions she doesn't agree with, she will make these grand gestures like moving out or cause a lot of drama. She doesn't want to end the relationship, but wants to spark change in her man. She thinks that the fear of losing her, will change his behavior (and it often does, but it's usually short-lived). Here is a big gender difference that I notice often: When a man in a relationship discovers things about his girlfriend that he doesn't like...he often changes his mind about her being "the one". He may continue the relationship, but only as a placeholder until he finds someone more compatible. In essence, he accepts the woman for who she is, decides they are not compatible and begins looking for someone more compatible. Women, on the other hand, often focus on the feelings, not the actions. She will often see things in her relationship that make them incompatible, but overlook them because she is "in love". However, those incompatible things will still bother her and she will attempt to change those things (rather than accepting them). So instead of finding someone else more compatible with her, she tries to spark changes in him so that they can become more compatible. Bottom line, I believe that she think's she's in love with you, but is really in love with the way you make her feel. She hasn't figured that out yet, though. So she will happily be content in the relationship, and all will be good until you do something that she doesn't agree with...which temporaily fades those "in love" feelings. She'll blame you for those fading feelings, and punish you for it, while secretly hoping you'll chase her to give her that fix of dopamine and prove to herself that you two are meant to be and "in love". JMO.
TigerCub Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 To correct myself, the first time in the argument I actually told her to move out, it came out of anger but I didn't mean it. From what I know the first time she cried, the second time she was sad, third I don't know yet. What you're saying makes sense. I really do wonder if someone behind her (like her sister) is influencing her to do these things. Her sister can be a very manipulative evil person. Truthfully though I don't think I'm addicted to the drama, I only react to it because she causes the drama...or rollercoaster. I also feel like the last 2 times it happened, it was over something silly and small. I don't think she's immature, but I feel like she can be very unreasonable and emotional over silly things. Sometimes I wonder if she's mentally unstable or if she's the one addicted to the drama. I understand what you're saying Monkey, but if she's willing to break up with you over things that are silly and small, then she does need to grow up a little bit. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I"m just saying that its likely that the push/pull effect is something she's constantly looking for, or else she wouldn't be flipping out over the smallest things, right? You do say that you're just reacting to her drama, but at the same time, you control how you react, and so you can end the drama and the rollercoaster simply by how you choose to react to her. Have you considered simply talking to her honestly about all this and telling her that her quitting the R over every little thing is an indication that she doesn't value what you guys have, and that in the next time it happens, there simply wont be other chances. Also, this just occurred to me, maybe what you consider "silly" or small isn't to her - do you guys ever really discuss the issues that cause the break ups or do you just make up and move on hoping that other things don't pop up?
Author monkey00 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Quiet Storm, I wholeheartedly agree. I've been thinking something similar over the past few months about her in that respect. That this unnecessary drama are actually her manipulation tactics. Every time we get into a heated argument or talk about breaking up. She always tells me she wants me to do this and that for, in essence she wants me to take care of her financially, emotionally, and everything else. Basically treat her like a queen. The past 2 breakups I've compromised and agreed to change. But the problem is I never see change from her, she will resist change and resist compromising or meeting me halfway in most things. Honestly I've changed quite a bit since the first break up for the sake of our happiness. But for her I haven't noticed anything change at all. Whenever I ask her if she's willing to compromise she avoids the question or deflects it. Although she hasn't said it, I've accused her many times of expecting me to be like her dad. She's had a very spoiled upbringing with her dad doing everything in the household and paying for everything. She's denied it but finally yesterday she admitted to it. In the beginning none of these were issues. Early on I think she was hoping I would change or become her 'perfect' man over time. But I never became the perfect mold and I think in order to instigate change she's become a drama queen ever since. The 3rd time we broke up, she outlined several reasons on why she can't be with me. From the way she wants to be taken care of to the way she doesn't want me to be too involved with my family (I guess my emotional/financial/time investment in them will take away from our happiness?). I think so far every basis of her arguments are not concrete, she complains just to complain but none of these are real issues I feel.
Author monkey00 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) I understand what you're saying Monkey, but if she's willing to break up with you over things that are silly and small, then she does need to grow up a little bit. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I"m just saying that its likely that the push/pull effect is something she's constantly looking for, or else she wouldn't be flipping out over the smallest things, right? You do say that you're just reacting to her drama, but at the same time, you control how you react, and so you can end the drama and the rollercoaster simply by how you choose to react to her. Have you considered simply talking to her honestly about all this and telling her that her quitting the R over every little thing is an indication that she doesn't value what you guys have, and that in the next time it happens, there simply wont be other chances. Also, this just occurred to me, maybe what you consider "silly" or small isn't to her - do you guys ever really discuss the issues that cause the break ups or do you just make up and move on hoping that other things don't pop up? Tonight I'm meeting up with her to talk about it, and I think that's a good idea to put my foot down that there won't be any more chances. We have discussed the issue or cause for the silly break up. And have reinforced it the next time around. But even if that problem slightly happens again, she gets upset and wants to break up...which I think is what happened the 3rd time. It's dumb because I'm scrutinized for any small error or situation that she dislikes from the 1st breakup. The breakups seem to be problems with me that I do according to her. But I've never once seen her take personal accountability over her actions or faults when our relationship fails...she always points the finger at me. Edited November 9, 2011 by monkey00
TigerCub Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Tonight I'm meeting up with her to talk about it, and I think that's a good idea to put my foot down that there won't be any more chances. We have discussed the issue or cause for the silly break up. And have reinforced it the next time around. But even if that problem slightly happens again, she gets upset and wants to break up...which I think is what happened the 3rd time. The breakups seem to be problems with me that I do according to her. But I've never once seen her take personal accountability over her actions or faults when our relationship fails...I always take all the blame. Yeah I just read what you wrote to QuietStorm, and monkey, definitely put your foot down. I understand that all relationships have issues and such, and we may all want a little something to change with regards to our SO, but it takes both parties compromising and truly understanding and wanting put in the effort, from what you wrote, she's not doing that with you, and yet she expects you to just take care of all her wants and outlined changes. If that's the way she's gonna be, then you're better off finding someone else. Good luck monkey
grkBoy Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Monkey, She's playing these games simply because you're playing with her. If every time you say 'ok, fine walk' then she wants to work it out, you take her back - why would it change? If you want these games to stop, you need to stop your role in playing back. If she wants to walk, let her walk and go NC for a while, because if you guys "break up" and are still friends and hanging out, it will slide back to dating again. But you're playing along. She sounds immature, and I think you're both addicted to the drama. I couldn't have said it better. You want the games to end? Don't take her back. See how far she'll be begging to be forgiven and will never play games again. I wouldn't tolerate any of that drama queen BS. Being alone is way better than being with a drama queen.
Recommended Posts