husband ...

[Tyant]

Hey everyone. This is gonna be long because I need to try to give you as much info as possible because I need some serious advice and support. So here goes. I've been with spouse for 7 years. Been married 4 months. Have 2 kids. Been to couples therapy for 4 years and stopped because everything was good. Then we uprooted kids, sold everything and moved out of state to my parents house and began to search for jobs and buy a house. Well 2 months after being here hubby says he needs to go back HATES in here, ok fine so do i so we decide to go back. But both kids are in school so this is what we did:

 

he went back without me and kids 3 weeks ago to get a house there. he is currently in a motel. his boss called him back and offered him 40 bucks an hour plus he hated it in new state and was really depressed at the amount of money he was making (10 bucks an hour, yea, not to mention the 15 grand we spend on moving down and buying a truck and work equipment) so i canceled the contract on the house and the kids and i are supposed to go back to to old state after xmas with him. well he just told me that he has to figure out of we are gonna separate or not because if we are hes not gonna get this big house, just maybe and apartment. he said hes only confused about if he is in love with me. he just said hes not sure if hes in love with me anymore because he doesnt miss me and he said he feels numb, but when i asked him if he thinks we should get a divorce he said no because he doesnt want to make such a huge life decision without being 100% sure that hes not in love with me anymore. he said he thinks that if he was in love with me he would miss me. he said a piece of him is not missing while we’re apart but he cant see me with someone else. i dont know i am heartbroken. he said he needs time to think about it. he said hes not 100% but he feels like if he was in love with me things would be different like: hed miss me more, it would bother him to be away from me, and before he left he would have been closer to me, he would call me more, he would email me i love you’s. he’s said he’s felt this way even before he went back home. felt like if he was in love with me we’d be closer, hold hands more, hug and kiss, have sex more and just be more interested in loving me. thats what he said hes basing his feeling of uncertainty on. hes saying that hes probably not in love with me anymore because if he was he’d be acting more in love. but we’ve been together 7 years, we havent acted like that since when we first got together (holding hands etc) its not like we acted that way on regular basis and then all of a sudden it stopped. we both seemed to not be the touchy feely type people unless behind closed doors. he saw the same counselor we did when we were up in the old state together but she just recently sais she cant be his therapist anymore because its a conflict of interest. the night he saw here is the night he told me this. but he also said that the counselor told him not to say anything to me until he was 100% sure but he said he cant hide that somethings bothering him and id want to know what. I love him and im in love with and i want to make it work. we have had nothing but problems almost our entire relationship and he said that last night. but we've always got through them. he said he misses the kids. hes acting weird because he sent me a bday card 3 weeks that was very loving and he just sent me an email ecard shortly after that says i miss you. He said thats what hes worried about getting a divorce and regretting it but he said hes pretty sure he fell out of love quite some time ago. I had a 20 min talk with him last night and thats when I became kind of concerned about depression. He will NEVER admit to it so i dont even ask. but something is wrong and its not me or another woman, or drugs or drinking, its his mind. let me just tell you what is true: he has done A LOT of drugs many years ago. I mean a TON. Enough to make him insane. He just got off of an 8 year methadone 2 months ago by himself, weening, been clean 6 years. he said hes not confused about anything other that if hes 100% out of love. I told him i think we will probably get a divorce and he said i always think the worst. and thats when he goes to say if you really dont want to leave the state as much as it will break my heart i will let you keep the kids. i dont get it. it seems like he has stopped caring about a lot of things. everything he is doing/saying to me and other people is very out of character. so i flew to old state last weekend to check him out. i got into his hotel room while he was at worked and searched every inch. no trace of any other woman, drugs, alcohol, nothing suspicious at all. i looked at all his online bank records and phone calls and texts and nothing. then i waited for him for about an hour in his hotel room and he walked in and was really surprised. he kept saying your crazy your crazy and smiling a little. i hugged him and we fell on the bed and immediately started kissing and then having sex. it was like deep passionate sex that i really have never had with him, he was looking deep into my eyes and all. i did find on his computer two things. one hes been looking at all the naked/sexual pics of me from all the years, and 2 an unfinished profile on match.com. his match.com profile only had his relationship status "currently separated" (which i was not notified of lol) and his zip code. he didnt even add it how tall he was or etc. so i asked him why he has a match.com profile and he said he did the free thing to see what his matches were (course in 5 mins flat i already made one up as a girl of all the things he enjoys doing just in case for later) and then he just stopped and didnt want to fill out anymore things on it. so i dont know about that. he says when im upset it doesnt effect him. so i started crying hysterically one night in the motel with him to put his words to the test. and he hugging me and holding me and rubbing my hair and telling me to stop and that im doing this too soon he hasnt even made a decision yet etc etc. so i stopped and said "see it does effect you when im upset' and i wasnt acting i was and still am pretty devastated. we had sex a few times last weekend, and he left for work one a.m. and kissed me good bye. i know he loves me deeply but im not sure hes actually in love with me. he said for the longest time in his life hes always done the wrong thing and he thinks hes been with me and married me and continued a relationship for 7 years because it was the right thing to do despite if he really felt like wanting to do it. i understand what hes saying pretty much. hes just not sure if he want to stay together but hes not ready to make a life long decision like divorce. he has until thanksgiving to decide. on the other hand when i seen the match.com thing i said to him "its ok if you want to see other people, maybe you just need to see if you really are in love with me. we both have a lot of great things to offer other people so maybe dating other people for a little bit will help you decide" in other words if youre gonna do it so am i. well before i could finish that complete sentence he was like "no i do not want to see other people" and i said "ok well your match.com had me think otherwise" i hope we can get back what we had in the beginning. of course i dont want him to continue being with me if he doesnt want to, so i guess im a little torn too. also i have been pretty bad to him our entire relationship. mean/nasty/lying etc. Also there is a HUGE problem between his mother and i. she is pretty much crazy and i made him pursue a no contact order. there was constant stress on our marriage from the issues his mother and i have. anyways he told me he was glad i came but he is still not sure. when we went to bed he held me all night long. my brother lives with my parents and me and kids too and he told me to tell hubby not to stay here because he will kick his a$$. i told hubby nicely maybe you and kids could got to the resort for 5 days cuz bro is crazy and pissed. he emailed my brother this: "listen we gotta have a conversation. im going to be clear about things cause i love your sister and care greatly about your family... and throughout me and your sisters relationship she has done some bad things, althogh i am not perfect i never betrayed her, i have never cheated on her and never will because i dont want to hurt her. because even if i felt im not in love with her i will always love her as a person. im not sure where things will go with me and her and i hope everything works out. but for you to want to throw down with me over what ever you may think is going on is dead wrong, and i am coming there to see everyone, i wasnt sure i was going to feel comfortable there but you know what thats my family at your parents house and im not going to avoid them because of you... your sister loves me so i hope no matter what happens things can be civil." we talked some at the motel and he just keeps saying that hes not sure but def no divorce. he actually teared up and said that i dont even know how difficult this is for him. i told him ill give him time to think. he will be here to visit the kids in 10 days. today i had to deposit a check for him since im still far away in old state and i texted him "i deposited your check" and he said "thanks' and i said "your welcome my husband-who-is-confused-after-7 years-and-doesnt-know-what-he-wants-with-me. Anytime my dear." and he writes back "what the f$%^?" and i said "just a little sarcastic humor" and he texts "not funny" this morning i emailed him this: "I just want to clarify one thing. I want you to know that all my crying this weekend was because I was sad. Sad over the predicament we're in. Even if I'm not in love with you anymore I would cry just as much maybe even harder. And even if I decide I want a divorce I am still going to be that upset. You are a good person. Please have a good day. xo." he writes back "im confused youre thinking about divorce?" and i said "I don't want a divorce. Let's say for example 2 years goes by and you still can't make a decision I am going to divorce you and it's going to be just as sad. That's what I meant by the sentence "even if I want the divorce" I guess I should've said "even if I file for divorce". I'm trying to say that I was crying over the whole situation not just about how you feel. The whole picture. Just the whole situation is very sad." and that was it. another thing i need to add he wont say i love you first when getting off the phone with him. if i say it then he will after. im thinking maybe i should not talk to him anymore until he gets here in 10 days. he knows how i feel, i just dont want him to think im starting to feel like i want time too. oh and another thing: today i got a letter in the mail that says i got 5500 dollars from a grant for school and i told him i may start in this state (old state) and he says "why are you gonna do that? i thought you were gonna move here with the kids after xmas?" where the heck does he want me 2 kids 2 cats and 2 dogs to go? to his one room motel??? i am so scared that he is done. please any advice...

[findingnemo]

Welcome to LS.

 

I tried to read your post but failed to even get half way. The problem isn't the length. It's that is all just one paragraph. Please repost it in paragraphs so that it's easier to understand. More people will respond if you do so.

 

I can see how painful your H's uncertainty is but need more details to give you advice.

[MaryH]

Please use capitals where appropriate, too, i.e at the beginning of a sentence, when using 'I' in reference to yourself etc. Makes for a much easier read and enables more people to post advice.