What's going on?

[Austen]

This past summer a man at work approached me out of the blue. I’d never seen him before. He said hi, I said hi and I kept walking. But I caught him staring at me. Then he went out of his way to catch up with me and we started chatting.

Over the next several months we’d say hi when we ran into each other, and he would flirt. And then there’s the way he looks at me. I can’t even describe it--it’s not like anything I’ve experienced--we’re talking serious eye contact.

I invited him to connect on a professional website, and he accepted. I messaged him something very general and he responded. I messaged him again, and when I didn’t hear anything back I sent an apology in case I’d made him uncomfortable. He has a very important position at work (although in a completely different department and unrelated to what I do), and I thought maybe I’d been too forward in contacting him outside of work or that I’d read the signals wrong (I didn’t say those things in my message though--it was just a simple, very brief apology). Again, he didn’t respond.

So, even though I’d been very interested in him, I wrote him off. That was a few weeks ago. But the past week he’s gone out of his way several times to say hi to me and chat a little. It feels as though he doesn’t like not having my attention when he sees me. If I ignore him, he makes a point to get my attention, including knocking on a window I was sitting by as he walked past.

I’m in my early-mid thirties and he’s just over forty and not married. He’s an engineer and extremely intelligent. Reading his resume intimidated me to the point of thinking that he’s way out of my league. I know he’s moved a lot for work, and he works very long hours (60-80 per week). His career is his top priority. It sounds as though he may stay with this company, but I don’t think that’s set in stone (he’s contracted).

The people who’ve seen him interact with me think he definitely likes me, but what the heck is his problem? Do I just keep being polite but cool with him? He seems like a well-grounded, genuinely nice guy and probably not the player type. I just can't figure out what he's up to...

[unknownsources]

Maybe he can't decide if he should focus on work or ask you out?

[Austen]

Maybe he can't decide if he should focus on work or ask you out?

 

I've wondered if maybe, because he's so passionate about his job, he doesn't want to get involved with someone and have his focus divided from his work...

[unknownsources]

I've wondered if maybe, because he's so passionate about his job, he doesn't want to get involved with someone and have his focus divided from his work...

 

 

Might be worth asking if it seems he's interested and you're interested. Or, if you know he'll be off on a certain day, remind him that you are off as well, and have nothing scheduled.... or is that too forward? =P

[Brad Branson]

I'd always say err on the side of optimism in assuming that he never got your messages or doesn't check them that often.

 

Therefore, assume he's interested.

 

Hint at meeting up sometime, or make yourself available, or tag along for lunch, try someway to increase the amount of interaction you have so he see if he takes the risk, you will respond positively.

[insertnamehere]

Best guess: he's isn't man enough to ask you out and is using the orbit method.

[Austen]

Best guess: he's isn't man enough to ask you out and is using the orbit method.

 

LOL...what is the orbit method?

[thatone]

LOL...what is the orbit method?

 

i saw the perfect example when out in a bar with a female friend about a week ago.

 

we're sitting at the bar, i'm between the stage and her, it's a comedy open mic type thing going on, so i'm glancing at the stage when conversation lulls. when i turn my head this guy approaches her. first with a standard appearance compliment (albeit a rather awkward one). i missed the second time he came up but it was something to the effect of "i'm going next door" (assuming some other bar or restaurant) and "maybe i'll see you there".

 

we were both talking about how that was rather spineless on the way out of the bar. if he wanted to talk he should've just talked to her. if the two of us had been dating and not just friends i would've told him to get lost and that would've been the end of it. since we weren't on a date i would'nt have cared either way, to be honest, and she said he was attractive after the fact.

 

but he didn't even try, he was just sorta hanging around.

Edited November 9, 2011 by thatone

[Austen]

Thanks for the responses so far! This has been going on for months, and I just can't figure him out. I don't know whey this is bothering me so much...maybe because he caught my attention, and that doesn't happen very often.

Sometimes it seems like he's feeling me out (and orbiting...LOL), but then I think that if he was truly interested he would have asked me out a long time ago. Wish I was a mind-reader!

[thatone]

so ask him out.

[Austen]

Next time I run into him, if we start chatting a little, I think I might give him my number. It just weirded me out when he didn't respond to my messages. It'd be nice to get to know each other even if we didn't date...

[Austen]

Well, I talked to him today when I walked by his cubicle. I'd sent him a message yesterday on a professional site, and I asked him if he got it. He said, "You sent me a message?" and that no, that he hadn't seen it yet and only checks his personal email about once a week and that he should link it to his work account. (He didn't mention the message I sent him a month ago that he didn't respond to). I said I hoped it wasn't weird that I sent him a message, and he said "no not really, it's fine". That seemed like an odd response, but he was smiling the whole time and didn't seem to be uncomfortable talking to me.

He pushed his chair away from his desk and swiveled toward me. He said he would read the message but that I could tell him face to face if I wanted to. I told him the message just asked if he had any hobbies. He said no, but when he got one he'd let me know.

We got to talking about the fact that he works a lot of hours and he said that all work and no play makes him a dull boy. He said that he makes good money but that that was only a means to an end. He really wants to meet someone, settle down, get married and have kids. That threw me off. He then started talking about how maybe he's too old for that to happen. I asked him his age and he told me. I said that he definitely wasn't too old. He said "maybe" and that he really wants his own kid. Again, not sure why he was emphasizing that.

I mentioned the iPod on his desk and asked what he's into. He started talking about trying to learn Japanese, and that he knew some Dutch and Portuguese. Then he mentioned that he used to date a Brazilian woman and that's how he learned the language. Why he felt the need to mention that fact, I don't know.

I then mentioned a Japanese movie I enjoy, and his whole face lit up. Turns out it's one of his favorite movies ever. We laughed a few times at different things, and then I went to leave. He said he'd check out my message. And that was that. Didn't ask for my number or if I wanted to get together sometime.

This guy has been flirting for months. I finally get up the nerve to really talk to him, and I'm as confused as ever. What is going on? Is he not into me?

Edited November 13, 2011 by Austen

[forms]

He sounds socially awkward. It'll be interesting what happens in the next few days.

[Nexus One]

This past summer a man at work approached me out of the blue. I’d never seen him before. He said hi, I said hi and I kept walking. But I caught him staring at me. Then he went out of his way to catch up with me and we started chatting.

Over the next several months we’d say hi when we ran into each other, and he would flirt. And then there’s the way he looks at me. I can’t even describe it--it’s not like anything I’ve experienced--we’re talking serious eye contact.

I invited him to connect on a professional website, and he accepted. I messaged him something very general and he responded. I messaged him again, and when I didn’t hear anything back I sent an apology in case I’d made him uncomfortable. He has a very important position at work (although in a completely different department and unrelated to what I do), and I thought maybe I’d been too forward in contacting him outside of work or that I’d read the signals wrong (I didn’t say those things in my message though--it was just a simple, very brief apology). Again, he didn’t respond.

So, even though I’d been very interested in him, I wrote him off. That was a few weeks ago. But the past week he’s gone out of his way several times to say hi to me and chat a little. It feels as though he doesn’t like not having my attention when he sees me. If I ignore him, he makes a point to get my attention, including knocking on a window I was sitting by as he walked past.

I’m in my early-mid thirties and he’s just over forty and not married. He’s an engineer and extremely intelligent. Reading his resume intimidated me to the point of thinking that he’s way out of my league. I know he’s moved a lot for work, and he works very long hours (60-80 per week). His career is his top priority. It sounds as though he may stay with this company, but I don’t think that’s set in stone (he’s contracted).

The people who’ve seen him interact with me think he definitely likes me, but what the heck is his problem? Do I just keep being polite but cool with him? He seems like a well-grounded, genuinely nice guy and probably not the player type. I just can't figure out what he's up to...

 

He probably likes you. However, his behavior does seem a bit quirky though.

 

Do you feel attracted to this guy? If so, don't be intimidated by his resume. I don't know any guys that look at a woman's resume first to see if she's "worthy" of him. He obviously already knows where you work and he obviously wants your attention. I think your resume is the last thing on his mind.

[Nexus One]

Well, I talked to him today when I walked by his cubicle. I'd sent him a message yesterday on a professional site, and I asked him if he got it. He said, "You sent me a message?" and that no, that he hadn't seen it yet and only checks his personal email about once a week and that he should link it to his work account. (He didn't mention the message I sent him a month ago that he didn't respond to). I said I hoped it wasn't weird that I sent him a message, and he said "no not really, it's fine". That seemed like an odd response, but he was smiling the whole time and didn't seem to be uncomfortable talking to me.

He pushed his chair away from his desk and swiveled toward me. He said he would read the message but that I could tell him face to face if I wanted to. I told him the message just asked if he had any hobbies. He said no, but when he got one he'd let me know.

We got to talking about the fact that he works a lot of hours and he said that all work and no play makes him a dull boy. He said that he makes good money but that that was only a means to an end. He really wants to meet someone, settle down, get married and have kids. That threw me off. He then started talking about how maybe he's too old for that to happen. I asked him his age and he told me. I said that he definitely wasn't too old. He said "maybe" and that he really wants his own kid. Again, not sure why he was emphasizing that.

I mentioned the iPod on his desk and asked what he's into. He started talking about trying to learn Japanese, and that he knew some Dutch and Portuguese. Then he mentioned that he used to date a Brazilian woman and that's how he learned the language. Why he felt the need to mention that fact, I don't know.

I then mentioned a Japanese movie I enjoy, and his whole face lit up. Turns out it's one of his favorite movies ever. We laughed a few times at different things, and then I went to leave. He said he'd check out my message. And that was that. Didn't ask for my number or if I wanted to get together sometime.

This guy has been flirting for months. I finally get up the nerve to really talk to him, and I'm as confused as ever. What is going on? Is he not into me?

 

Perhaps he's looking for reciprocation of some kind or interest from your side. Perhaps he doesn't want to go beyond a certain line unless he's sure you like him too.

[thatone]

sounds like she gave him that, i'm going with just awkward/apprehensive.

[Austen]

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I am very attracted to him. But it has little to do with physical appearance and much more to do with the intangible--the vibe I get from him is really good. I feel like I'm on a high around him. And he's super-intelligent which is a huge turn on for me. We actually have interesting conversations, the little bit we've spoken. I get the feeling he's not quite sure what to do with me. And I sure as hell can't peg him. Maybe that's one of the things that's so intriguing about him. I haven't been this fascinated by a guy in years... Just not sure what to do next, if anything at all.

[thatone]

"so you follow me around all the time, and you appear to be happy when i talk to you, the big question is why haven't you asked me to go out with you yet?"

 

and then the ball is in his court.

[Austen]

"so you follow me around all the time, and you appear to be happy when i talk to you, the big question is why haven't you asked me to go out with you yet?"

 

and then the ball is in his court.

 

Awesome! I think I'm going to do a version of that if he keeps chatting with me. I'm thinking about just giving him my number if the opportunity presents itself and being a little bit coy about it.