friends with ex a month after break up?

[emily2424]

Soooo me and my ex have been broken up officially a month today, and we decided to be friends. To sum everything up I broke up with him when times got too tough in our personal lives and our relationship was suffering. We had a great relationship, no one cheated or lied at all.

 

I saw him for the first time since the break up and we both sat in the car and it was the most uncomfortable comfortable feeling ever. It was as if nothing even changed.. we were laughing and talking and telling stories and what not. we agreed to be friends but i told him i still have feelings for him and he said he still has feelings for me.

 

Unfortunatley i ended up hooking up with him & oral but i told him i was scared and didn't think it was a good idea, but we both just fell into the lust trap..even though my gut said no. i refused to have sex with him and he asked if we could be friends with benefits. i said no..this whole thing was happening so fast and i told him i just wanted to be friends and take things one step at a time..

 

He agreed to be my friend and continued to talk to me and joke around like the whole breakup didn't happen. We got into a little argument because he said "you don't need my permission to hookup with anyone else".. and i said well if you do, just let me know please. and he flipped out saying he feels like he's in a committed relationship blablabala and i told him to not hold back and to do what he wants but i can't help if its gunna hurt my feelings..

 

i don't want to move on. he admitted our relationship was not even that broken and that his trust was. but then he says he's trying to move on but still wants me in his life. he wants his cake and to eat it too. i DO want him back..

 

1. do you think its possible we can go out again?

2. should i just stop talking to him?

 

i'm so confused. i have had two terrible deaths within the last couple days and he has really helped me out with them. he hates when I'm sad, and my friends have totally sucked recently so he has really been great for being there for me.. I know he's there for me because he truly cares, not just so he can get with me.

 

what should i do? i don't want to do the wrong thing by pushing him away more. i feel like i have him in a good spot..im just scared, i don't want to get hurt..i know were just friends..but i also know how much he loves me.. please please help :(:(

[Smiley2508]

You arn't just friends he considers himself to be in a relationship. He is just trying to grasp at straws and at least try and get you back through a physical relationship.

 

I did the exact same thing, with the roles reversed. Completely monogamous, friends with benefits, we practically we're going out without the official-ness. Numerous times she propositioned me to get back together but i was to entrenched in the situation to bother changing anything. But after a while she moved on suddenly without any warning. With a mutual friend no less.

 

However it wasn't till i lost her, i realised what she meant to me.I always knew i had deep feelings it just wasn't at the front of my mind.

 

You're worried about getting hurt. But really if you continue a purely physical relationship he'll get sick of waiting and leave you out of the blue potentially devastating you. Or he'll get angry because you were 'stringing' him along.

 

You have to realise what he actually means to you, before you decide. It sounds a lot like things got a little rough so you jumped ship and you don't know how to get him back.

[emily2424]

i know i won't give him anymore than a friendship now. I don't want a physical relationship but our tension is too much for us to handle half the time.

 

I know i want to be with him,i know it but he's fighting it because he is hurt and "Wants to move on"

 

But he does constantly bring up memories or inside jokes from the friendship. i can't help but think maybe he's trying to "teach me a lesson" or something.

 

And every time he says he doesn't want to be int he relationship he always says "right now." so maybe he just wants me to build up his trust but doesn't really know it. idk

 

 

right now i'm just gunna be his friend and go one day at a time. i don't wanna push any bad buttons but he has been there for me through all this terrible stuff. and it's because he wants to. he told me he care more than my friends..a lot more. and he told me that he doesn't mind talking to me still.

[brokenheartedinaz]

I'm in a similar situation as you right now. My ex broke up with me in august and for a month I was a mess, begging and pleading and only pushed him more away. So I went NC for 20 days and finally reached out to get my last things. We met up and talked in the car for over an hour and even ended up kissing. We started flirting by text and ended up meeting up to hook up. We've now been talking pretty much every day and started calling each other pet names. Last night we went to the movies and when we in the parking lot holding hands and kissing he asked me what were doing and he said he still loved me and is just not sure of what he wants right now. Hes not dating anyone else and neither am I and we mutually agreed we aren't going to see anyone else. I told him I'm just being patient and that I love him and want him to fix himself and that I'm not in a hurry to rush things and am happy how things are especially since a month ago I could only imagine this in my mind....so I know how you feel. Hang in there if you think its worth it good luck

[emily2424]

i know i'm just scared.. i can't tell if he's playing with my head..

 

we told each other that we still have feelings for each other and he has been there for me the past couple days because I've had some deaths. I know he's still in love with me. Does he actually want to move on? Does he want me to build up his trust? every time he said he doesn't want a relationship ..he always says "right now"

 

Should i just stay his friend for now and try to work my magic? haha he's still attracted to me and everything just probably feels a little betrayed. he told me through texting that he loves talking to me still and really cares about me.

 

i need advice, i don't want to mess this up anymore.

 

but he said he wants to be friends, and i know he really means it. i think if i show him the girl he fell in love with, and try to show him he can still trust me it will work.. I'm just scared to get hurt. After we broke up we spoke about once a week.. and it killed us. we miss each other so much. and it's so annoying because he admitted the relationship isn't broken but his trust is. i don't get it, we are both in love with each other, and we make each other so happy, and were so attracted to each other...why do we have to do this?

 

this is a stupid question..but how do you rebuild trust?

[brokenheartedinaz]

Geez I know exactly how you feel. I would love to talk to you more about this cause I feel our situations are so similar.is there a chat room on here or instant messaging? Trust is going to take time to rebuild. You will have to show him how you feel and live up to your word when you tell him something.

[emily2424]

i don't think there is, but i would really love to hear what you have to say.. i'm trying to keep focusing on me so i don't fall into loving him too much..just incase

 

 

but please take the time to talk with me!! i would really appreciate it.. i check this thing like 5 times a day...ahahah

 

it just sucks cause everyone else is so negative about it ):

[radleyshea]

it's so crazy because this is EXACTLY my situation. when we broke up, he told me that he needs to cut me out of his life to move on. a week later (saturday) he's calling me telling me that he wants to be with me and misses me. then a couple of days later, he changes his story. but then we talk later, and it's back to the flirting and sexual conversations. gahh i don't know what to do either! my heart is set on him and i don't want to give up. i've been dealing with a death this week as well, and he has given me great advice. he even told me that he was proud of me for being strong and getting through it. i'm just taking it day by day. we haven't met up yet, but hopefully we can get to that point. it's going to suck though because we're so attracted to eachother, i wouldn't know how to handle it!!

[brokenheartedinaz]

Emily,

 

Any updates on anything? What I am doing is trying not to over analyze every little thing cause it makes me go crazy! I just try to work on myself like you said and focus on bettering myself. I am just grateful and happy that things are the way they are right now cause a month ago I could only have wished for things to be this way again. To feel his touch ...see his text messages every day. I know hes scared and confused and being with me is a lot of responsibility, I have two kids who love him to death and he has a lot going on too. Patience is key I believe in our situations. Don't rush anything or apply any pressure on him. Let him make the decision because he wants to try again and just be happy that you have an opportunity to spend time with him again and enjoy it while it lasts.

[emily2424]

I agree.. patients is key. But I also feel like i need to start playing a little hard to get. I'm sooo easily accessible if he needs to talk or anything. He has kinda dulled his answers out when we text because it's now on a "friend" level, i haven't. i'm guessing that if i kinda just wait for him to text me or something maybe he'll start to wonder? idk.. ahh ):

[brokenheartedinaz]

Yes, I agree. Give him some distance, don't initiate the contact. Wait for him to text you , than wait like 30 min to respond and keep it non emotional. He will start to wonder, trust me!

[confused kitty]

Wow you girls are going through the same as me!!!

 

Sorry but Im actually excited at seeing this thread because everyone else on here is telling me my situation is hopeless and going NC is the only way to "heal and move on", I dont want to move on though as he says he still loves me and I mean everything to him but he just cant handle the pressure and responsibility of a relationship right now ( hes going through alot of personal issues right now)

 

Im still madly in love with him too. He said he wanted to stay friends as he couldnt handle not having me in his life at all, I tryed NC twice over the past 7weeks but I just couldnt do it, id last afew days 5 tops and then Id cave and text him I was just sooo miserable with not being able to talk to him!

 

Were meeting up this Friday (first time seeing each other since BU) but just as "friends", he said hes not going to be able to keep his hands off me and said he knows were going to end up sleeping together, I said I agree its going to be extreamely difficult as theres always been such electricity and chemistry between us.

 

He said hes worried Il end up feeling hurt if/when it happens (honestly I probably will a little) but the thing is we still both really love eachother and I miss him so much not just as my BF/lover but also him being my best friend, we get on so well and even talking on the phone its just like old times it feels like we're still together, no awkwardness or anything!!

 

If friends with benefits is all hes able to handle right now then Im going to be patient with him and wait it out like Brokenheartedinaz, hes promised me when he's ready for a relationship again that its going to be with me, he doesnt want anyone else...

 

Fingers crossed!!!!!

 

I feel so much more hopefull and better about this decision after reading your stories, Thank You both so much

 

Keep us all posted

[nu464]

obviously u have ur reasons for ending the relationship, maybe he treated u bad or something, he is now regretting the choices he made and how he pushed u away! he is trying to make u feel sorry for him and give him sympathy! he may be going through something or something may have happened and he needs a familiar shoulder to lean on but set ur boundries and make it clear what u want or dont want!

 

i hope u make the right decision not him but for yourself...

[brokenheartedinaz]

Kitty,

 

I'm glad you can have some hope. When you love someone you fight for it and hang on to it til YOU feel like it's no longer worth fighting for. No one else can really understand your relationship but you and your partner. People are so quick to comment and judge and I say just follow your heart. Like you I am happy with how things are right now at this moment. It may not be everything I could ask for, but it's more than I expected at the moment and I cherish every minute I get to spend with my ex when we are together. Stay hopeful!

[confused kitty]

Thank you sooo much Brokenheart, Your kind words are very incouraging, I was almost feeling guilty about going against the advise people gave me on here but I just dont think NC would have done anything in my situstion, it defenitly does depend on the individual and their relationship.

 

This is so much more than I expected, when he endid it, I thaught Id never see him or speak to him again and that was the scariest thaught for me, we still have a great friendship and all the chemistry and feelings are still there on both sides - its just a case of right person but bad timing....

 

Can I ask you, did u set up boundaries with your ex?? Are you guys allowed see/date other people??

[chados]

are you sure its just not that feeling, "i'm going to be all alone" i rather stay unhappy then alone?. you broke up with him for some reason. the reason might still be there?. i know how you feel as i'm almost in the same position. i didn't feel that it was a great way to end it. and she never said, i don't love you, just that she didn't had the same feelings for me anymore.

 

thing is we talked earlier and promised that we would show each other that we cared. i was hanging out with her 3 days "everything was going fine" and then she went away 1,5 week. i acted needy insecure and scared. i put pressure on her, which i now can see was a bad mistake. and she dumped me. don't do that to him, especially when you dumped him. let him go so he can miss you. i wish you the best of luck:)

[brokenheartedinaz]

Kitty,

 

You are welcome. NC is not for everyone. I did do it for 20 days but it was more for my own wellness, I can honestly say I think it helped me a lot. As far as boundaries go, we both kinda agreed that if one of us decides to to start dating or seeing other people then we would be considerate and let the other one know. We both agreed though that the thought of another person being with someone else makes us both sick to our stomachs lol. Like I said, I'm just enjoying it all while it lasts cause right now I am happy and that's all that matters.

[confused kitty]

Once again thanks for your advice!

 

I defenitly dont want to date anyone else but him and hes assured me that he only want me, he said hes not interessted in hooking up with other girls as he does love me, but just cant handle pressure/responsability of a relationship right now but when hes ready again it will be with me...

 

Im not sure how its going to work out but Im going to enjoy every moment I have with him and deal with things along the way if they pop up ( pun intended lol)

 

Thank you so much Brokenheart, you advise has been like a breath of fresh air to me,

All the best with your situation

Kitty

[brokenheartedinaz]

Thanks Kitty,

 

I wish all of the best who want that second chance of love. Sometimes it takes time apart to analyze your situation and realize things that you could change to better your relationship. I know looking back there are many things I realized that I don't want to do again in any new relationship i am in. Things like letting the small things go and compromise. No one is perfect, but if you can realize where you went wrong then that's one step closer to me to fixing things and making your relationship stronger. Keep me updated and let me know how things go!