Who's the REAL bunny boiler?

[Elizabeth Southerns]

When there is no one being deceived, it is called an open M.

 

An open marriage is a very different thing from a situation where the BW knows about the MM's A, but chooses not to upset the applecart and risk losing him and her lifestyle.

 

Knowing that a spouse is getting action outside of the M is different to agreeing an open M that is based on both partners being sexually non-exclusive, yet it still involves not being lied to or deceived.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Yup. Who knows what went on in the past which culminated in - horror of horrors - a kitten being stolen?

 

Anyone who can read. It's been pretty extensively reported in the media.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Lies may or may not happen in any situation, but an A guarantees it.

 

 

Not at all. Where the BS knows about the A, or even chooses to deny it to herself, no lies are necessary. Nor are lies necessary if the BS simply doesn't care. Nor are lies necessary where the WS flaunts the A to the BS. Not all As involve lies. Nor are all cases which don't, "open Ms".

[donnamaybe]

Not at all. Where the BS knows about the A, or even chooses to deny it to herself, no lies are necessary. Nor are lies necessary if the BS simply doesn't care. Nor are lies necessary where the WS flaunts the A to the BS. Not all As involve lies. Nor are all cases which don't, "open Ms".

 

Oh, of course there is the rare .01% type of "affair." Once all are accepting such, it is now an open marriage.

 

I feel sorry for both women (or sometimes men) in those situations. They are desperate to hang on, both of them giving away their power to a selfish cheater.

Edited November 13, 2011 by donnamaybe

[woinlove]

An open marriage is a very different thing from a situation where the BW knows about the MM's A, but chooses not to upset the applecart and risk losing him and her lifestyle.

 

Knowing that a spouse is getting action outside of the M is different to agreeing an open M that is based on both partners being sexually non-exclusive, yet it still involves not being lied to or deceived.

 

The point here was whether the WS was deceiving the BS. If there is no deception and the WS is open and honest and the other spouse chooses to stay married under that situation, then one might as well call it an open M for the sake of distinguishing it from an affair situation where there is deception.

[Silly_Girl]

The point here was whether the WS was deceiving the BS. If there is no deception and the WS is open and honest and the other spouse chooses to stay married under that situation, then one might as well call it an open M for the sake of distinguishing it from an affair situation where there is deception.

 

There was an overlap where my guy was seeing me and spending weekends with me and living weekdays with his wife and she was consistently attempting to get him to agree to give me up. That was not an open marriage. At that stage I guess I'd term it as an affair without deception. Rare, I know, but not at all an open marriage.

 

Same as, now I come to think of it, when my boyfriend's wife was seeing her MM, she was open about when, had ceased sexual activity with him, but it was against the wishes of her husband. I still can't see that as an open marriage either. Because to my mind an open marriage means negotiation of new rules, and a new 'flavour' to an existing relationship. The denial/avoid affair is more like a traditional marriage, where one is breaking the apparent rules - having an affair.

[White Flower]

Not at all. Where the BS knows about the A, or even chooses to deny it to herself, no lies are necessary. Nor are lies necessary if the BS simply doesn't care. Nor are lies necessary where the WS flaunts the A to the BS. Not all As involve lies. Nor are all cases which don't, "open Ms".

 

I never lied to my exH during my A. Maybe that had something to do with our M being over in our hearts anyway and being separated yet living under the same roof in separate rooms. He suspected an A, but never once confronted me for reasons already stated.

 

MM, OTOH, did lie to his W. On the last Dday she did go kind of BB (Bunny Boiler) on him, but I don't blame her one bit. She nearly beat the crap out of him and she had every right because she was at her wits end. I'd have done the same thing probably. If that makes me a bunny boiler to kick some ass then so be it.

 

I don't think the point of this thread is to pit the BS posters against the OW posters; I think it's about bringing the idea of balance to the table. All people hurt in As, heck, all people hurt in any kind of R, but it isn't always the OP who ends up being the BB.

 

I know someone who spent 3 decades in prison for killing her H's OW of 5 years. She caught them in bed and she went off. I was in my A 5 years when she shared her story with me. She paid her dues and did her time and came out of prison a senior citizen who now works 12 hours per week at minimum wage and volunteers the rest of her free time. Calling her a bunny boiler seems a bit cruel to me...even though she killed someone just like me.

 

There is a person underneath the label.

Edited November 13, 2011 by White Flower

[White Flower]

Oh, of course there is the rare .01% type of "affair." Once all are accepting such, it is now an open marriage.

 

I feel sorry for both women (or sometimes men) in those situations. They are desperate to hang on, both of them giving away their power to a selfish cheater.

OTC, many people in open Ms feel very empowered by their position in an open such a R. They just don't post about it here because 1) the posters at LS don't make them feel welcome, and 2) they're having way too much fun living their lives!

[donnamaybe]

You say you didn't lie to your H but that he "suspected an A." Omission of the truth is still a lie.

 

Was there NEVER a moment where you were asked where you were and you left out part of the truth? If there is suspicion of an A there would have been those types of questions. Just because you stopped for groceries after seeing your AP, an answer of "shopping for groceries" is still a lie.

[donnamaybe]

OTC, many people in open Ms feel very empowered by their position in an open such a R. They just don't post about it here because 1) the posters at LS don't make them feel welcome, and 2) they're having way too much fun living their lives!

 

Um, yeah. That's why they don't post about it.

[White Flower]

OTC, many people in open Ms feel very empowered by their position in such a R.

Meant to edit but LS needs to update their editing software.

[seren]

I think anyone has the capacity to act out of character in times of stress. I don't understand bunny boiler behaviour as I am of the mind that if someone doesn't want to be in a situation the solution is to leave. I have never been the jealous type, but have seen some pretty extreme behaviour from people who are.

 

In my situation the OW pretended to be from the military and told me he had died in Iraq. For a few heartstopping momets I believed her, my son heard and thought his Dad had died and for that I would quite gladly have stolen her cat, dog, budgie and horse and stuffed them down her throat.

 

It was only when I thought that the miltary would never contact me by phone did I realise it was her. Some 4 years after D Day she still manages to track me down (why me) and leave horrible messages or silent calls so much so I have had to change numbers, go ex directory and lately, contacted the police. She works in a government dept so has access to my contact details. Frankly, I thought she had got over it all, but who knows what she is thinking. I feel sorry for her. But if she hurt my son, I would gladly make her life a living hell. Bunny Boiler behaviour or the act of a desperate woman? who knows.

[White Flower]

Nope, I never had to lie. I'm very honest and open and I would have been happy to tell him of my newfound happiness but I think he was afraid to know so he didn't ask.

 

In fact, he didn't engage with me much at all, which was probably the downfall of the M to begin with, which then opened the door to having an A. There is a reason for everything.

[donnamaybe]

Yes, there needs to be communication. That builds the foundation for a good R.

[White Flower]

I think anyone has the capacity to act out of character in times of stress. I don't understand bunny boiler behaviour as I am of the mind that if someone doesn't want to be in a situation the solution is to leave. I have never been the jealous type, but have seen some pretty extreme behaviour from people who are.

 

In my situation the OW pretended to be from the military and told me he had died in Iraq. For a few heartstopping momets I believed her, my son heard and thought his Dad had died and for that I would quite gladly have stolen her cat, dog, budgie and horse and stuffed them down her throat.

 

It was only when I thought that the miltary would never contact me by phone did I realise it was her. Some 4 years after D Day she still manages to track me down (why me) and leave horrible messages or silent calls so much so I have had to change numbers, go ex directory and lately, contacted the police. She works in a government dept so has access to my contact details. Frankly, I thought she had got over it all, but who knows what she is thinking. I feel sorry for her. But if she hurt my son, I would gladly make her life a living hell. Bunny Boiler behaviour or the act of a desperate woman? who knows.

 

Seren you have been very patient with this OW. telling you your H died at war??? Jiminy Christmas!

 

Nobody goes near my kids either. I'd gladly take on the title of bunny boiler to protect or avenge them. Period.

[White Flower]

 

Nobody goes near my kids either. I'd gladly take on the title of bunny boiler to protect or avenge them. Period.

But for a cheating spouse? So not worth it.

[MissBee]

I think anyone has the capacity to act out of character in times of stress. I don't understand bunny boiler behaviour as I am of the mind that if someone doesn't want to be in a situation the solution is to leave. I have never been the jealous type, but have seen some pretty extreme behaviour from people who are.

 

In my situation the OW pretended to be from the military and told me he had died in Iraq. For a few heartstopping momets I believed her, my son heard and thought his Dad had died and for that I would quite gladly have stolen her cat, dog, budgie and horse and stuffed them down her throat.

 

It was only when I thought that the miltary would never contact me by phone did I realise it was her. Some 4 years after D Day she still manages to track me down (why me) and leave horrible messages or silent calls so much so I have had to change numbers, go ex directory and lately, contacted the police. She works in a government dept so has access to my contact details. Frankly, I thought she had got over it all, but who knows what she is thinking. I feel sorry for her. But if she hurt my son, I would gladly make her life a living hell. Bunny Boiler behaviour or the act of a desperate woman? who knows.

 

Omg wowwww!

 

Bunny boiling behavior is the act of an unhinged woman....

 

Someone may be unhinged generally...that is, that is their normal tendency to have extreme and twisted reactions. Then some things may be an unhinging caused by extreme stress that doesn't characterize that person normally.

 

If someone hurts my family or child then one would see "the bunny boiler" in me perhaps...but in terms of trying to get back at an OW or something, no. I have too much pride and would rather cry in my closet and wish badly on them than give the OW or my wayward spouse the pleasure of seeing me act out. I do believe the best revenge is moving on with your life, because I'd rather not end up being the one ridiculed for stealing a kitten or going to jail which only ADDS to my hurt and humiliation. Although,had that woman called me to say that...Lord only knows what I would have done. Mav be I wouldn't do anything, but I'd certainly go off on her...even thinking about it my hands are shaking ...smh...see that's why I don't know about forgiving cheating, because if my husband cheats with some crazy person who has an ongoing vendetta against me...I'd resent him so much for that decision that is potentially ruining my life and my child's life.

[seren]

I think that no one really knows how anyone will react if they feel someone else is living the happiness they thought, dreamt, hoped was theirs. I used my situation to say that going after me is one thing, hurting my child is a different ball game altogether, for that, I would boil every bunny in the warren. Who knows, possibly the wife in this instance felt her life was wrecked, her kids denied the life she thought should be theirs. Seeing her wealthy husband having a child and setting up a home with someone else she had put her life on hold for (I understand Christine had supported him while he climbed the political ladder) pushed her off the deep end. Stealing a kitten is, IMO, bat****, but then in her mind she might have equated it to her taking what she thought would hurt him/her the most. Who truly knows.

 

I know many people who do things that hurt others I would never do, or like to think I wouldn't. The OW in my situation, is generally, an OK person, not who I would have as a friend, but she is just a normal, everyday person. I know that she hoped my H would leave and that her chaotic lifestyle would be magiaclly put right. I also know that this was never promised (from her and him), I also know that her life has taken a pretty grim downturn which has nothing to do with the A, but, to her, I am fair game. Had this ended with our double moves and stopped being so scary, I would have ignored it, I might even have tried to help her. But it seems there is no other recourse than to involve the police which is a last ditch attempt, by me to get her to stop. I will not prosecute as I think she really needs help.

 

The Iraq thing was cruel beyond belief, had she been within a mile of me I would probably have blown my stack and hers. Anyone has the potential to lose all sense of reason when in despair, what is often telling in A's, is that it is rarely the person who is the cheater who is targetted, but the one who is seen to have taken the other's (either BS or OM/OW's) happiness that ends up being a victim. Projection or viewed as the one to blame, who knows. I rather feel that when someone is hurt all bets go off the table. Which is very sad.

[donnamaybe]

Well then the WS in this situation is far and away the biggest jackass in that scenario. The BS would be able to recoup some of her losses if this happened in the U.S. One cannot use another as their meal ticket while they lay the groundwork for a successful future and get away with it here, and that is as it should be.

[Radagast]

Those in the UK will be familiar with this story which involves the dumped BW sneaking into the home the OW shared with the MM and their (OW & MM's) child, and stealing the child's kitten.

 

My ex-wife also targetted the children. She blamed them for the ease with which they accepted my wife and took her issues out on them.

[Avery]

Am I the only one noticing the obvious? The man claims his marriage was "over" since 1997, (effectively negating the wife's emotions as the marriage was "over". They have separate finances afterall ) But yet the "not a really married couple" have an 11 year old child.

 

You do the math.

[TinaniT]

, (effectively negating the wife's emotions as the marriage was "over". They have separate finances afterall ) .

 

From the news story I read, the wife decided to go live with another man in 1997 for a period, and that's why he considered the marriage over.

 

Then, they effectively had an open marriage, and he saw Emily.

 

The wife became distraught after a period of time of less wife, more girlfriend when it finally came to divorce, not the affairs prior (if acknowledged relationships can be affairs.)

 

It is a strange scenario, indeed.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Am I the only one noticing the obvious? The man claims his marriage was "over" since 1997, (effectively negating the wife's emotions as the marriage was "over". They have separate finances afterall ) But yet the "not a really married couple" have an 11 year old child.

 

You do the math.

 

People can only have kids within the confines of a M?

[Avery]

People can only have kids within the confines of a M?

 

I'm quite sure you're not that dense, so I'll presume the question was rhetorical.

 

My point was, of course, that perhaps the wife was not aware that the marriage was "over". They had NOT divorced, they were still living together in the same home, and quite obviously still intimate. I don't know about you, but that most certainly sounds like a married couple to me.

 

 

At the very least, I believe it is fair to say she getting mixed signals from him.

 

I wonder how his mistress felt to discover that he was still being intimate with his wife?

 

 

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