Anna101 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 So you and the BS in your situation are allies? For a while, in our situation, it felt like that. When she found out, she called me. He had betrayed us both at this point in time, so I honestly felt like she was the only person who understood. I'd spend all that time defending him, that with her I could just be honest about what he'd done. Not that we became 'friends' but during the worst period, and he has having a mental meltdown and so not helpful to either of us, we did have some good talks and we were not on opposite sides. As time went on and we 'chose' our paths, we stopped talking and now it's just a 'hi, thanks for doing blah blah' type of thing, but I only ever felt like she was my 'enemy' while we were in the affair.
frozensprouts Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I'd take it a few steps further. If you don't trust the person you are dating and feel the need to verify their marital status - don't date them. If you are that mistrusting of the people you date, you need to run a complete background check on anyone you date, even if they tell you they are single - they may be lying and be M, or, they may be dating one, or more, other people. ... and if you are that mistrusting - don't date at all. sigh... you don't understand. what i meant was, how many times do you read on here about someone who meets a guy/lady and they are told not that the person wanting to date them is single but " I'm separated, getting a divorce, we are just "roommates", we are only together for the kids, we have an "understanding", etc.". This would imply that the person is NOT unattached nor single, but they would like you to believe that their spouse is okay with them dating, or that they don't care about them, so what's the problem? How many people on here are deeply hurt when the affair is over because there was no divroce pending, they were not "separated", there was no "understanding", the spouse at home most ceratinly does care that they are cheating, etc. It turned out their "free except on paper" married person was just someone looking for someone "on the side". How many times do you see on here that affair partners were lied to? To me, the very fact that a person says "I'm married but..." would imply they are not telling the whole truth about their situation, and I wouldn't trust them to start with, but, if I did think they might just be telling the truth, wouldn't verrifying that make sense? i just don't accept the notion of willfull blindness.
frozensprouts Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 While this sounds logical, it's highly unlikely. In other words, if you just started to date someone why should you be saddled with that responsibility? Why not just disqualify them as a dating prospect instead? very true...
Silly_Girl Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Sorry but an AP isn't an innocent victim in an affair. Kismetly didn't say innocent though.
SoMovinOn Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 How many times do you see on here that affair partners were lied to? About the same number as SM/SW in the dating section are lied to by their S dating partners. Which is my point. One of very key components in any relationship is trust. You choose to believe what anyone tells you, because you trust them. If you don't trust them, or can't trust them, you shouldn't bother spending your time with them. Starting any new relationship involves risks, and requires you to put forth some amount of unearned trust. There are all manner of lies and half truths which may come out later and destroy the R. There are any number of truths that are told, which later change, which may end the R. Certainly, anyone who has been involved in an R where trust was destroyed is going to have issues in subsequent R's. That's not the other person's fault. That's *your* demon to deal with. To me, the very fact that a person says "I'm married but..." would imply they are not telling the whole truth about their situation, and I wouldn't trust them to start with, but, if I did think they might just be telling the truth, wouldn't verrifying that make sense? No. There are things you can't verify. If you're looking for someone to date and one of your potential candidates starts out with "I'm married, but..." ... the best response is "Call me when you're not." No verification needed. I just don't accept the notion of willfull blindness. Trust doesn't require willful blindness.
Toots Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Who understands the UK system? I'm surprised she is even eligible for public assistance, since she is married to a millionaire, has 3 children with him, the youngest is only 11 and is under her care. Why isn't he required to support his children? She receives Jobseeker's Allowance because she is unemployed. It has nothing to do with child support.
Toots Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 If the MM now lives with the OW and they have a family, why is she still being referred to as the OW? John Hemming is still married to Christine.
Toots Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 What I don't get is why she was found guilty at all. She is his W. That house belongs to her too, paid for with her money!!! It wasn't her money. It was his. They had separated legally since 1997 despite continuing to live under the same roof. Mr Hemming's statement said: 'Whilst working away in Huddersfield in the middle of the 1990s my wife rekindled her friendship with a man she knew from university. In 1997, just before we were to take our children on holiday, my wife decided to go to live with that man in Liverpool. 'I took the children off on holiday without her. My wife did not spend long with her friend. However, the act of going to live with someone else effectively ended the marriage.' Although a financial settlement was agreed, divorce proceedings did not go ahead. Mr Hemming added: 'My wife and I agreed a postnuptial agreement on finances which meant that our finances would be separated and set out what would happen if we divorced. We have, since 1997, operated separate financial arrangements.' Read more
alexandria35 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 It wasn't her money. It was his. They had separated legally since 1997 despite continuing to live under the same roof. I read your link and it was just a bunch of convoluted crap as far as I'm concerned. He says his wife ended the marriage when she walked out on him in 1997, but he also admits that he had started cheating on her before she left, yet somehow he doesn't see his actions as having anything to do with ending the marriage. Then he says she came back and their marriage began to improve. What? I thought the marriage ended when she left. He talks about their legal agreement to seperated finances but what does that have to do with supporting his kids? Are we to believe that his wife agreed to an arrangement where if they divorced he would stay wealthy and she would be desolate and poor?
TurningTables Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I have a real story to share: A friend of mine was living with her long time boyfriend. She found out he was cheating on her. So, she broke up with him and moved out. He was the type of guy was obessed with his body and work out all the time. He drank protein shakes every night to boost his muscle mass. So, before she left, she laced his protein shakes with some kind of ExLax or laxative. The next two weeks she spent laughing because he couldnt go "out" because of his nightly "episodes". The girl he was cheating with ended up dumping him because of it. Who got the last laugh?
spice4life Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 ...Charmin? :lmao: ...now that was funny.
pureinheart Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 I think affairs, in general, can result in all sorts of crazy behavior from all sides. Not just stealing kittens, but actual homicide. Betty Broderick is just one murdering BW I can think of. Many BH's have murdered OM, and have even been aquitted by using the "temporary insanity/crime of passion" defense. Many people have underlying emotional issues. These issues can often stay beneath the surface, but in times of crisis or trauma...the craziness is "activated". Since 10% of the population is personality disordered, and even more have other psychological issues...it is not very smart to become involved in an affair. So many people are already unstable, and when you add betrayal into the mix...it's a recipe for disaster. Wow, this is really a trip...sounds like control and walking on eggshells to me. FTR ANY stressor can "activate" a mental illness...it also makes me wonder if this isn't why some WS's delay leaving.
pureinheart Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 I have a real story to share: A friend of mine was living with her long time boyfriend. She found out he was cheating on her. So, she broke up with him and moved out. He was the type of guy was obessed with his body and work out all the time. He drank protein shakes every night to boost his muscle mass. So, before she left, she laced his protein shakes with some kind of ExLax or laxative. The next two weeks she spent laughing because he couldnt go "out" because of his nightly "episodes". The girl he was cheating with ended up dumping him because of it. Who got the last laugh? Well actually, he got the better part of the deal. Neither of them were were people I'd have in my life. His girlfriend was majorly vindictive and his AP was not a keeper, and could never stay in it for the long haul if she could bail so easily. Yep, he is much better off.
findingnemo Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 It wasn't her money. It was his. They had separated legally since 1997 despite continuing to live under the same roof. Sounds like cake-eating backed up by a legal agreement. Why are they still M if he really wanted out? The kids is not a reason in this case. They've probably seen all the drama and are ware of the problems. What's this nonsense about a post-nuptial for finances? I'm beginning to wonder about the women in this story. What could possibly be allowing them to live like this?
Author Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 I'm so so sorry you've been an other woman scorned. I haven't. But thanks for your concern anyway.
Author Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 I believe the OP is an OW in an affair I'm not. She's scorned over being rejected I'm not. Good luck on your healing journey, nonetheless
spice4life Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 I'm not. Then why did you say that you were looking for a way to "stay in it"? That implies you are in one does it not? In any case, good luck to you.
White Flower Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 But it isn't the existence of a R that causes terrible things to happen. It is how people in said R's are treated. Any time there is an A, SOMEONE is being deceived and lied to and their feelings completely discounted. Not necessarily so in other R's. Lies and discounted feelings happen in nonARs all the time. The D rate isn't solely fueled by ARs.
Author Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Then why did you say that you were looking for a way to "stay in it"? That implies you are in one does it not? I did not. If you read what I wrote, I said that: Not everybody in an A is looking for support to leave it. Some are looking for support to stay in it. I'd rather support people where they are, with what they want, rather than pushing my own agenda onto them because I think I know what's best for them. But that's just me. Others have a different idea of what constitutes "support". Nowhere did I claim that "some" = me. That assumption was yours alone. It was also completely wrong.
Author Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 But it isn't the existence of a R that causes terrible things to happen. It is how people in said R's are treated. Any time there is an A, SOMEONE is being deceived and lied to and their feelings completely discounted. Not necessarily so in other R's. Every, every, every single time? So there has never been an A ever in history where that has not happened, ever? So - any single case that anyone produces of that not having happened would refute such a sweeping claim, no?
findingnemo Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I've been researching how to deal with my psycho stbxh and have found a surprisingly huge number of sites addressing this issue. Many of them are about psycho xWs and are posted by the current Ws. It got me thinking that bunny boiler behaviour is more common than we realize. All it takes is one unstable person in an R whatever the type. Stealing a kitten is tame compared to some of the stunts exes pull. Most bunny boiler behaviour involves turning the kids against the other parent, false reports of sexual abuse to the police, dragging custodial parent to court over all sorts of modifications, refusing to pay child support, plenty of attempted murders, stalking by phone, email and Internet blogs, etc. Not knowing what the Mistress (OW) and the British MP have done in the past, how can we know who the real bunny boiler was in this case?
donnamaybe Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Every, every, every single time? So there has never been an A ever in history where that has not happened, ever? So - any single case that anyone produces of that not having happened would refute such a sweeping claim, no? When there is no one being deceived, it is called an open M.
donnamaybe Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Lies and discounted feelings happen in nonARs all the time. The D rate isn't solely fueled by ARs. Lies may or may not happen in any situation, but an A guarantees it.
donnamaybe Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I've been researching how to deal with my psycho stbxh and have found a surprisingly huge number of sites addressing this issue. Many of them are about psycho xWs and are posted by the current Ws. It got me thinking that bunny boiler behaviour is more common than we realize. All it takes is one unstable person in an R whatever the type. Stealing a kitten is tame compared to some of the stunts exes pull. Most bunny boiler behaviour involves turning the kids against the other parent, false reports of sexual abuse to the police, dragging custodial parent to court over all sorts of modifications, refusing to pay child support, plenty of attempted murders, stalking by phone, email and Internet blogs, etc. Not knowing what the Mistress (OW) and the British MP have done in the past, how can we know who the real bunny boiler was in this case? Yup. Who knows what went on in the past which culminated in - horror of horrors - a kitten being stolen?
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