ShannonMI Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I didn't mean to imply that Sha ' non. It was a hypothetical statement. "Sha ' non" hahahaha what's that about? You did sort of imply that, but it's fine.
freestyle Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 she leaned in very intimately and tried to feed my husband ice cream from her spoon. . She didn't?!?!?!?:eek: Wow, unbelievable---I probably would've been seeing red--at first anyways. Then I would've been amused....... I wonder if some of these women realize that they come across as desperate when they flirt with a taken man right in front of his wife/gf/so........
Nexus One Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 "Sha ' non" hahahaha what's that about? You did sort of imply that, but it's fine. Your name sounds more alien-esque if you pronounce it that way. As in: Take us to your leader Sha ' non. I'm just messing around a bit.
ShannonMI Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Your name sounds more alien-esque if you pronounce it that way. As in: Take us to your leader Sha ' non. I'm just messing around a bit. Hahahahahaha ok:p:p
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I mostly had to deal with that s... when me and bf were broken up for a short period. He got e-mails and FB messages from women telling him how glad they are that we broke up and that they have waited for months for a shot with him He didn't respond or engage them in any way.
Stung Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 The woman said Melody had killed her last husband. I can see why she saw red instead of the mature, graceful way. I agree. I can't imagine much more provoking than implying someone was actually responsible for the death of somebody they loved, what a horrible thing to say. I doubt I'd've taken the high road, my temper has been known to get the best of me. With mature and graceful I meant: Hang up the phone, then block the number. I.e. don't let them pull you down to their level. A new phone of mine has a number blocking feature, so it's possible. Some phone companies can/will do it too if you call them. I see your point Nexus but I believe Melody mentioned that the woman had been harrassing her for some time and always calling from different numbers, so that she could not be blocked? She didn't?!?!?!?:eek: Wow, unbelievable---I probably would've been seeing red--at first anyways. Then I would've been amused....... I wonder if some of these women realize that they come across as desperate when they flirt with a taken man right in front of his wife/gf/so........ I KNOW, right?! The woman has big brass ones, I do give her that. Honestly, with her things like that tend to be more power play and manipulation than legit desperation, but who knows. Maybe she was feeling a bit hurt and lonely at the time as her marriage was dissolving, she did used to like to reminisce a lot about the "good old days" when she and my husband were idealistic students together. Either way it clearly backfired as my publicly laughing was obviously not the result she was going for. I certainly would have been seeing red if my husband had not been so definitively "Yuck!" about it, but obviously I wouldn't have really done anything--I'm not the type to gracelessly brawl in a children's ice cream parlor, nor do I think it's good for my stepdaughter to sense overt tension between her two sets of parents. When kids are involved, I do take the high road, every time. Anyway, I think she has actually taught me many valuable lessons about patience and taking the long view of things. Maybe someday I'll even be thankful to her for that.
primer Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Ugh! Some women must really think highly of themselves. The girl that was after my BF has three kids and no job. Right now her parents are supporting her/them. Ummm . . . You are not a good catch!
Nexus One Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I see your point Nexus but I believe Melody mentioned that the woman had been harrassing her for some time and always calling from different numbers, so that she could not be blocked? Perhaps she's using the phones of different people to call Melody, simply keep blocking all the numbers, eventually she'll start running out of numbers/phones. And if she's using prepaid cards, then let her buy a new card every time she's been blocked. That would be a way too expensive hobby for a crack addict.
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 tigress, it's your b/fs job to shut down inappropriate interactions. If he needs a lot of external validation look out, especially when he reacts harshly when the shoe's on the other foot.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 It's good to be vigilant and concerned about this, not ranty at all IMO. Third parties can wreak all kind of mischief in your relationships. I used to think being confident and ignoring it were the way to go, no maam. People who seek to actively undermine your relationships or flagrantly disrepect them have to be handled like Machiavelli, which requires work to not cross the line into possessive and controlling, but lazily ignoring them has led to lots of crashed and burnt relationships, in my life and friends. I let BF know about 'the line' mentioned here and that I didn't want to be controlling--but I wasn't going to ignore it like it was all OK either. I told him that I view the girls' behavior as blatantly disrespectful to our relationship and why I view it as such, and then asked how he felt about it. He agreed it was disrespectful, and he said he would be more aggressive in putting a stop to it. He wasn't actively encouraging it, but he wasn't doing enough to stop it either, IMO. Sure, he is telling his ex he's with me and not interested--but he's still allowing her to talk to him in the way she has been. Sure, he isn't responding to 'full of hotness' girl--but he isn't telling her to lay off, in a diplomatic sense. I think perhaps he thought no additional measures were required--but clearly, what he has (not) been doing hasn't been working. I am trying to keep my expectations on this down to, well, zero. It is difficult. I feel to an extent I am trusting him to do what I think is right and that my level of serenity still depends on what he does/doesn't do regarding this situation. I don't think it should be like that, but...do I really want to go on like none of this matters? It is a very fine line to walk. One could say that if BF is 'keeping his options open' then my effort to put a stop to all this is only delaying the inevitable. Food for thought. I do admit to having indulged in some catty behavior earlier. I commented right under the 'full of hotness' comment with 'Ah, I know. I'm lucky. =)'
dasein Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) I agree with other posters, he's not stepping up enough. It's his responsibility to cut out easy things that make you uncomfortable. But I can also understand why he hesitates to do this, and it doesn't have anything to do with him keeping options open. Does he know their families, mutual friends? He may simply not want to make an issue and encourage further "who me? you took that seriously?" or "mymy we certainly have a high opinion of ourselves!" type BS and exchanges. Making a deal of it might cause the women in question to dig their heels in and do the exact same thing they are doing now, only via ways you can't see it, to spite you. Machiavelli say, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," or was that Sun Tzu? or somebody on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I forget... anyway somebody said it. Another thing is you two seem to be having these kinds of minor issues every ten-fourteen days or so, so this might be one to just drop and try to maintain low drama as the holidays approach with all sorts of new stressors. Always be mindful of what's coming around the corner. If you stand firm on this one, you may not be able to gripe as much when he gives you a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. In short, it sounds like what you are choosing is the right track. Edited November 9, 2011 by dasein
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 I agree with other posters, he's not stepping up enough. It's his responsibility to cut out easy things that make you uncomfortable. But I can also understand why he hesitates to do this, and it doesn't have anything to do with him keeping options open. Does he know their families, mutual friends? He may simply not want to make an issue and encourage further "who me? you took that seriously?" or "mymy we certainly have a high opinion of ourselves!" type BS and exchanges. Making a deal of it might cause the women in question to dig their heels in and do the exact same thing they are doing now, only via ways you can't see it, to spite you. Machiavelli say, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," or was that Sun Tzu? or somebody on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I forget... anyway somebody said it. Another thing is you two seem to be having these kinds of minor issues every ten-fourteen days or so, so this might be one to just drop and try to maintain low drama as the holidays approach with all sorts of new stressors. Always be mindful of what's coming around the corner. If you stand firm on this one, you may not be able to gripe as much when he gives you a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. In short, it sounds like what you are choosing is the right track. Perhaps that could be the case with 'full of hotness' girl, but definitely not with his ex. I personally think he should cut off all contact with her. She isn't respecting our relationship at all and sounds rather obsessed with him, and all while she's engaged to someone else. She thinks my BF is the love of her life and they're meant to be.
O'Malley Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 One night BF 'caught' (he woke up and saw, I wasn't hiding it) me talking with him; I was just b*tching about being sick and he got so worked up he demanded I stop speaking to him entirely. I asked him why he didn't trust me. We talked about it, saying we would trust each other with regard to this sort of stuff, I thought it was resolved, and then Friday night I find my ex's username is blocked in Gchat--BF had gone in my computer and done that. This stood out for me -- did he do this after you discussed your discomfort with his ex's comments? I'd be put off by this tit for tat way of handling conflict. Obviously some guys are taken aback when an ex or some stranger acts this way -- my boyfriend is more introverted and non confrontational than your average guy -- but it's not difficult to shut down someone's advances, even if it's not done in an aggressive way. Several years ago, there was one particularly attractive woman trying to monopolize my boyfriend's conversation all evening, when she plopped herself down on his lap. He didn't say a word, just scooted her off like she was a kid with a leaky diaper. I was more amused and embarassed for her than anything else. It's never been my reaction to be angry about even the more insidious behaviors, because he's never demonstrated an encouraging response to that kind of attention. If women find him attractive, that's a compliment to my good taste, and I don't begrudge anyone being generally flattered that some random stranger finds them desireable. There would only be issues if I felt that a guy thrived on and encouraged that attention.
2sunny Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 He allows the interaction knowing it may hurt you. Is THAT the kind of man you intend to be with?
dasein Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 He allows the interaction knowing it may hurt you. Is THAT the kind of man you intend to be with? I don't think the guillotine is in order here just yet. TA, in light of the recent info on ex you posted, her nuttiness and obsessiveness is likely what drove him away from her and to you (eventually) in the first place. Try to accept that he is obviously looking for something other than her, and is with you. Try also not to become her.
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 This stood out for me -- did he do this after you discussed your discomfort with his ex's comments? I'd be put off by this tit for tat way of handling conflict. We've both been in the habit of doing that. It's what I've been working on with him. Yes, it happened after we discussed everything. Dasein, it's not much of a matter of him choosing me over her. They broke up years ago, after he moved to the States, and she's in India. He did tell me he broke up with her because of the distance, there was no other reason. That worries me because generally, their relationship was good...really easy...not necessarily like ours is. We have had our fair share of conflict. I just remembered he's going there in January to see his family, and he and his ex have mutual friends... I'm hormonal right now so I know I'm just being irrational at this point. What I want is for him to make the decision on his own to cut off all avenues of contact. I don't want to ask him or pressure him into it like he did with regard to my ex. I did come to the decision to quit talking to my ex last night, even though there is no reason to as he isn't doing anything to undermine my relationship or disrespect my BF. I came to the decision because I rationalized maintaining an unnecessary friendship wasn't worth making BF uncomfortable and upset. I told him that last night. He was really happy about it. He didn't volunteer anything about doing the same on his end. I saw as of right now he's still friends with her on FB. I don't know what I'll do if I find out he's still been talking to her after all this. I know his decision on what to do should be independent of mine, but it is hard to live that.
norajane Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I don't want to ask him or pressure him into it like he did with regard to my ex. I did come to the decision to quit talking to my ex last night, even though there is no reason to as he isn't doing anything to undermine my relationship or disrespect my BF. I came to the decision because I rationalized maintaining an unnecessary friendship wasn't worth making BF uncomfortable and upset. I told him that last night. He was really happy about it. He didn't volunteer anything about doing the same on his end. I saw as of right now he's still friends with her on FB. I don't know what I'll do if I find out he's still been talking to her after all this. I know his decision on what to do should be independent of mine, but it is hard to live that. Why don't you want to ask him? Is it hard for you to tell him that you are uncomfortable with his relationship with his ex, and that your preference would be that he not stay in contact with her? I think that's different from pressure, and different from going into his account and blocking her (as he did with your ex). There is nothing wrong in letting him know how you feel and asking for what you want. Why the double standard - he is allowed to demand that you reconsider your actions, but you are not allowed to ask him to think about his actions? There is also nothing wrong in asking why he stays in contact with her. Maybe his answer would help you clarify what is and isn't going on. I think that trying to lead by example (you cutting contact with your ex) and hoping that leads him to make changes is, well, foolish. It is more likely to leave you disappointed. Are you afraid to ask him because you know he will say no, and will remain in contact, and then YOU would have to make a decision to live with it or not?
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Why don't you want to ask him? Is it hard for you to tell him that you are uncomfortable with his relationship with his ex, and that your preference would be that he not stay in contact with her? I think that's different from pressure, and different from going into his account and blocking her (as he did with your ex). There is nothing wrong in letting him know how you feel and asking for what you want. Why the double standard - he is allowed to demand that you reconsider your actions, but you are not allowed to ask him to think about his actions? There is also nothing wrong in asking why he stays in contact with her. Maybe his answer would help you clarify what is and isn't going on. I think that trying to lead by example (you cutting contact with your ex) and hoping that leads him to make changes is, well, foolish. It is more likely to leave you disappointed. Are you afraid to ask him because you know he will say no, and will remain in contact, and then YOU would have to make a decision to live with it or not? I already let him know it bothered me. I let him know that I considered it a major threat to and extremely disrespectful of our relationship and she needs to be cut out and cut off. He agreed and said he would be more aggressive in putting a stop to it. He said, "When she starts talking to me how am I supposed to know she's going to start saying the things she says (about me and her)?" I said, "When it comes up, tell her--'I'm not going to allow you to talk like this to me. If you bring this up again, I won't be talking to you anymore. You're not being a friend by disrespecting my relationship with my girlfriend.' And if she doesn't back off, you should just cut her off. Give her a chance to change her behavior, there's nothing wrong with that. But if she continues being disrespectful after that you should cut her off completely." He agreed and said he'd do that. But I don't know if that has happened yet. I suppose I could ask him. Better yet, he could be more proactive and go straight to her instead of waiting for her to contact him again. I will suggest that to him.
RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) This is happening because your boyfriend is letting it happen. He needs only say: "(Ex), we've broken up and I don't want anymore attention from you. Please stop contacting me," or, "I want to reduce our contact because I don't think it's appropriate for either of us." Is he doing that? No. Why isn't he doing that? Because he either likes having his ego stroked or he's keeping his options open so he knows he has someplace soft to land when he (or you) decides to bail. These girls are behaving inappropriately. I have several Facebook friends who are in relationships. OCCASIONALLY, if they post a PICTURE, I will say, "Oh, you look handsome/you look nice." I keep my comments -classy-. I also make a point to address the girlfriend by adding at least sometimes, "You make such a nice couple," or "Your girlfriend is really pretty." That's just part of having tact, being respectful, and acknowledging my place as a friend, not as a competitor for the guy. It's time for you to have a talk with your boyfriend about boundaries and how you expect him to handle these other women. If they're flooding him with compliments - making it clear they have the same reaction to his balls as bees do to pollen - that's not going to work. How would he feel if there were a bunch of guys treating you that way, including an ex-boyfriend? I'm sure he would claim, "It wouldn't bother me," as they all do, but it would. Edit: Ah, just saw some of the other replies. My honest feeling is that the need to stay in contact with ex is never for pure or pragmatic reasons - like he still owes her money or he just wants her friendship. It's almost always that someone is still carrying a torch for someone else; and they might even jump back into that relationship if an opportunity is available. The fact he wanted your ex out of the picture shows some projection on his part - since he may not have PURE intentions with his ex, he automatically assumes you don't as well, so he wants the competition out. If you can't talk to your exes, I'd tell him that I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with him so long as he's still talking to her. Edited November 10, 2011 by RiverRunning
norajane Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I already let him know it bothered me. I let him know that I considered it a major threat to and extremely disrespectful of our relationship and she needs to be cut out and cut off. Oh, so you already asked him to stop contact with her.... He agreed and said he would be more aggressive in putting a stop to it. He said, "When she starts talking to me how am I supposed to know she's going to start saying the things she says (about me and her)?" I said, "When it comes up, tell her--'I'm not going to allow you to talk like this to me. If you bring this up again, I won't be talking to you anymore. You're not being a friend by disrespecting my relationship with my girlfriend.' And if she doesn't back off, you should just cut her off. Give her a chance to change her behavior, there's nothing wrong with that. But if she continues being disrespectful after that you should cut her off completely." He agreed and said he'd do that. ...but he did not agree to cut contact. He is going to continue talking with her. But I don't know if that has happened yet. I suppose I could ask him. Better yet, he could be more proactive and go straight to her instead of waiting for her to contact him again. I will suggest that to him. Do you want him to cut contact with her? Or are you truly comfortable with him maintaining contact as long as he tells you that she isn't saying anything disrespectful about you?
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I told him I would prefer it if he went straight to her instead of waiting for her to come to him again and say he will no longer be in contact with her because of her disrespectful behavior. He said he will take care of it. He would have done it once she came around again, but I told him I want it taken care of sooner rather than later, I want to be done with it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 This is happening because your boyfriend is letting it happen. He needs only say: "(Ex), we've broken up and I don't want anymore attention from you. Please stop contacting me," or, "I want to reduce our contact because I don't think it's appropriate for either of us." Is he doing that? No. Why isn't he doing that? Because he either likes having his ego stroked or he's keeping his options open so he knows he has someplace soft to land when he (or you) decides to bail. He really does not even have to go that far, though it would be ideal if he would - on his own accord, because he feels the same way that you do (it's inappropriate). If he would just stop engaging with these girls, they would fade away. I understand your concerns, T, about making an epic battle out of it, because you really can't control him anyway - also, if he is feeling that you're controlling, he might just become sneaky, which would be even further damaging to your relationship.
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 He really does not even have to go that far, though it would be ideal if he would - on his own accord, because he feels the same way that you do (it's inappropriate). If he would just stop engaging with these girls, they would fade away. I understand your concerns, T, about making an epic battle out of it, because you really can't control him anyway - also, if he is feeling that you're controlling, he might just become sneaky, which would be even further damaging to your relationship. Exactly, Mme. I don't want to be controlling. I've made a lot of changes and I am learning to walk that fine line but it is hard sometimes. It is hard to know, as in this situation, when I am being reasonable in my requests/preferences and when I am not. I don't think he feels I am being controlling at this point, because he at least agrees with me about his ex's behavior. And I think he felt, previously, that repeatedly telling her he's with me and he's not interested in her was working well enough. To me, it clearly wasn't enough because she still wasn't quitting. It was clear to me the only way it would stop is if he at least threatened to cut her off, if not actually cut her off. I told him that. I had explained to him the way people feel/think when they are in his ex's shoes: They rationalize every little thing their object of affection does as a sign of interest. So the fact that he was still listening to her, still talking to her--that alone was a sign of interest. It was telling her she still has a chance. He said he had never thought of it in that way before.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 But to be fair, TA, you participated in similar behavior by communicating with C. I know you were not flirting, but he showed interest in you, and you did not just nip that all in the bud by yourself, because of your own opinion about that. That guy is not your "friend" and you two never established a relationship of friendship, so IMO there never has been any reason for you to be chatting with him about any subject - not only because your current bf does not like you to do so. For the record, I am not "against" friendship with members of the opposite sex or even with exes. But a real, actual friendship has to be in place. I'm not trying to blame anything on you, but I am hoping to help you see that neither one of you has firmly established boundaries about this kind of thing within yourselves. Seems like you are both looking for the reaction of the other in order to have such boundaries.
norajane Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I told him I would prefer it if he went straight to her instead of waiting for her to come to him again and say he will no longer be in contact with her because of her disrespectful behavior. He said he will take care of it. He would have done it once she came around again, but I told him I want it taken care of sooner rather than later, I want to be done with it. Excellent. You should not hesitate to be very clear with him about what you want and what isn't acceptable to you, and how important something is to you. He doesn't have to always agree, and he doesn't have to always do what you prefer. But making sure you are clear with him is important. Otherwise, he can just fluff it off. Expressing yourself forces him to address your concerns, one way or another, so that you then know where you stand and can make your own decisions and actions.
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